My new therapist and I have finished my intake interview.  Finally.  After THREE sessions.  Ugh.  And now my first actual appointment is with her.  And I am scared to ask for a new therapist.  Even though I know for 100% fact I don't want to see her again.  There is a little voice inside of me that says "But what if you're wrong?  What if you're being rash?  What if you're being too picky?  What if you're just an idiot and she's actually really nice?"  I know none of these things are true.  I know this.  I am a good judge of character and every single person I give the benefit of the doubt, I am always right about.  Every single person I say "what if?" to, I always end up realizing that I was right to begin with.  So, why do I not just trust that?  Why do I second-guess myself?  

Because everyone second guesses me.  Everyone tells me I am too rash in my judgement of others.  But don't they see I am normally right?  Don't they end up always telling me "Boy, I should have listened to you, you were right!"?  Yes.  They do.  So, why do I let them get into my head?  And why am I listening to that little voice inside my own head?  Because I don't want to be an asshole.  Today, she wasn't so bad.  I mean, she was, but I kept quiet more.  When I did talk, she'd interrupt me, AND then talk over me so much I can't interrupt her back so I can finish my thought and then sometimes she'll change the subject before I can speak again.  Sigh.  So, I didn't say much.  

When I am allowed to speak, she almost never responds to what I say, and instead relates something back to herself instead.  So again, it's like I am in a one-sided conversation with myself.  And I do not like the way it makes me feel.  And in the beginning, when I told her the certain things I do not like that therapists do, she said "Well, be prepared, I do those things."  And I am thinking like "WELL DON'T!!"  Like for one, she never writes down what your homework is.  And I am thinking "Well, then I will never do it, because you won't freaking remember what it is.  I could just lie about it."  LOL  

And today, she asked "What do you think will hamper your therapy  with us?"  Meaning, what I could do, as a client, to block my own therapy.  I wanted to say "You."  Or "A bad therapist."  But I didn't.  I just said "I can't think of anything."  She gave me the vibe that she didn't believe me.  And she puts a LOT of words into my mouth and does it regularly.  I wanted my response to that to be:

HAHAHAHAHA NOPE!  

I was 100% right about her and now I am annoyed I have to see her one more time to do the rest of my assessment.  Sigh.  Oh well, after that I will ask for a new one.  I've seen her twice now (assessment only, no therapy) and dis bitch interrupts me and talks about herself or her kid or whoever, and instead of letting me finish, she just finishes what she has to say and then changes the subject!  I CANNOT STAND THAT SHIT!  I would really hate it if she were my friend, but my therapist?  HA!  The whole point is me to be there to express myself and instead she's stopping me and relating something to herself or her family.  She does it with EVERYTHING and has the fucking NERVE to bash other therapists who do the same thing LMAO  Sigh.  What is wrong with people?  Ugh.  

Well, one more time and then I'll be requesting a new one.  

Ugh.  I should be given a choice, rather than being assigned to someone.  How freaking annoying.  I hope the next one is nice.  Sigh.  

I have to remember she's not the same person she was a year ago.  I just don't want to be surprised if she were to do something inappropriate, know what I mean?  I get that she's not the same person anymore, but that doesn't mean she won't revert back at any given moment.  

Okay, so what's going on here is that my son wants his own bedroom.  And my bedroom is smaller than the living room, where he has his bedroom right now.  He doesn't need the entire living room as his room, but my husband and I do.  My son wants privacy, and my bedroom has tons of that.  And everything about this exchange of room is 100% win-win, minus the fact that you have to walk through the living to get out the front door.  And my mom will abuse the shit out of that the minute she knows we're changing rooms.  She's not allowed in my room, she's not allowed to open my door and I've worked on that with her until she finally understood.  I worked hard on that.  And now, it will all just be thrown out the window the minute she knows she can walk through to get out front.  

My son's room used to be in the basement, but it flooded and ruined all his stuff, so he moved upstairs to the living room.  Now, the living room has a lock on it.  So that's something.  But during the day I can't lock my door all day long.  

I did come up with a partial solution: they make ceiling curtain runners that you can shape however you like on your ceiling and you get floor to ceiling curtains and bam!  Wall divider!  

BUT I will lock my door when I am sleeping and when we leave the house.  Because we need to build this boundary in our house that says that the living room is no longer the living room, it's our bedroom and we need to treat it as so.  And the front door?  Is the door that's in our room to leave the house.  If people need to leave the house out the front when we're gone?  They need to use the garage door.  It won't be easy getting it through people's heads, but that's going to be the way it has to be.  The front room is OUR room and is NOT the throughway to the front.  The kids can use it, but my mother cannot.  She's not allowed in our room and that's not going to change just because we move rooms.  

I have a system in my mind setup for how we'll take her garbage for her (her own kitchen bin) and we'll be changing the kitchen around as well.  So that way she can't just bust into our room for taking out garbage.  

Because I am telling you right now, I am NOT starting over again.  She's NOT coming into the room or opening our door, ever.  Unless she's leaving the house with us, and our curtain will be pulled.  

This feels like we'll be starting over again.  But I think we have enough boundaries set into place to keep her at bay.  At least I hope so.  

After you read all of those, you'll know why I made this song: 

I hope you like it.  I sure do.  Happy Halloween, friends <3  

He's a man who gives himself trophies....because he's special.

Once in a blue moon, my ex will call me.  Recently, his uncle died.  I really liked his uncle.  I felt bad for him to be married to such a cunt as my ex's aunt.  I hate that bitch (who I also just ran into recently).  She's rude and horrible and stupid.  And a narcissist (like my ex's entire family is).  But his uncle wasn't.  He was a jokester.  A gruff motorcycle rider who was badass and hilarious.  And so my youngest son called my oldest son yesterday, telling him to call their father asap, as Uncle P died.  And so today, I texted my ex telling him how sorry I was.  Rather than text me back a thank you, he called me.  While driving of course, his wife never knows he talks to me.  

I've known his wife since childhood.  Sounds odd, right?  But I went to school with her and her sister.  They were always nice to me.  Her sister was a normal 80's/90's kid, whereas, she was quite trashy.  Not trying to be rude here, but she was.  Like most of the kids who went to my school.  

I have no beef with this woman today.  I used to.  I used to have a HUGE beef with her.  But my kids are grown now and I don't have any reason to dislike her.  When my kids were small, you bet your ass I did.  I am not a trashy mom.  My mom was, and her mom was, but I am not like that.  I don't drink and do drugs around my kids.  I don't let them watch rated-R practically-porn movies or horror movies when they were too young for either of those things.  I didn't walk around in skimpy undies letting my ass cheeks hang out.  But she did all those things with my kids.  Plus, she was inebriated when they were in her care.  Every single time.  Oh, and she was a hooker.  For real.  A real life hooker.

But here's the thing: today?  I don't judge her for any of that.  We're different, her and I.  We parent differently.  We have different IQs (low blow, but it's true and I am honestly not even trying to be mean about it).  We have different ideas of what parenting looks like.  And I didn't want my kids around that shit.  She got my son high for the first time....and it fucked him up (if you know what dabbing is).  My son was freaking out so badly I had to go get him.  My ex wasn't there and laid into her about it, but still.  I had my reasons for hating her back then.  Today, we're all good.  I have zero reason to say she's a bitch or even about the fact that she's still kind of a hooker.  In all honesty, I get it.  I get why she is this way, I even get why she pays her bills that way.  Like I said, she has a low IQ, and she has zero skills to take care of herself in life.  Hooking is the only way she can make a steady income.  In other countries, it's perfectly legal.  So I get why women do this.  Hell, if I had been in any other situation in life?  I may have had to resort to that myself.  I can't judge her for her lack of choices in life.  So I have zero issues with her, and I am always nice whenever I see her (which is not often). 

I am also nice to my ex.  I have no reason to hate him anymore, as all of that shit between us is in the past.  The kids are grown and he gave them space by letting my husband adopt them (which was the best parenting decision he ever made).  

But what I do have issues with is when he brings shit up and acts like he did nothing wrong.  

Sigh.  Haven't we been through this?  Haven't we said enough about this all?  This time it wasn't directed at me, but I had to listen to him drone on about how everyone around him was at fault for his life, but him.  And then he said something strange.  But I'll get to that in a second.  

"My mom is the reason I had to give my kids up!   She called you and told you that T did drugs in front of the kids which made you believe her and then everything happened!"  

What I wanted to say but didn't: (Are you forgetting the reason that pushed me over the edge?  How we even got there to begin with?  The abuse the children endured at your hands?  The neglect?  The manipulation?  The way you made our lives a living hell?  The money you stole from your kids by refusing to pay child support and the extorting me when you were giving up your rights?  Do you remember any of that, asshole?)

"You know, I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but you'd say I am pretty smart, wouldn't you?" 

(Did you forget when you actually got ANGRY with me and picked a huge fight because we found out that my IQ is higher than yours?  Did you forget how we'd go to our friends' house and play board games each weekend and you'd insist on playing Trivial Pursuit because our friends were hillbillies and you wanted to lord your autistic superior knowledge over them to make them feel stupid?  Did you forget that you can barely follow a conversation with anyone, ever, because are you are always too busy thinking about what you want to say next to listen to anyone?  Or that you will talk over people halfway into a sentence because what you have to say is so much more important?  No, B.  I don't think you're pretty smart.  I think you're an utter moron with nothing of substance to say.   I see your constant jealousy over every little thing in the world around and wonder how the hell you even know how to tie your own shoes without yelling at them for not listening to you.)

"You know, my dad pushed you on me.  He wanted me to leave B because she had three kids and so he steered me to you.  But you know what?  To this day I regret so much leaving her.  I think me breaking up with her broke her.  She cried so hard and kept asking she did wrong.  I broke her heart.  And she actually loved me." 

(This is the weird thing he said to me.  He's never talked about his ex before me before.  Not since he dumped her in 1997.  I felt so weird when he said this to me.  I wanted to say that if his dad hadn't had done that, we wouldn't have two kids, but the I remembered he doesn't care.  He'd gladly go back in time in erase them from existence if it meant he got to be with a woman who actually "loved him".  I mean his kids have barely anything to do with them  Not only that, he feels bad for her?  And he didn't think he broke my heart a thousand times when he abused me or my children?  When he used to tell people how fat I was when I pregnant or he'd scream profanity at me for disagreeing with him?  Or how stupid he'd try to make me feel because he was obsessed with being the smartest person in the room?  Why can't he feel bad for something he actually did?  I am telling you right now, that this girl was NOT broken by him.  He was her meal ticket.  He was 23, paying her bills, and taking care of her kids--and he literally knocked two teeth out of her son's mouth, so yeah, I think after he left, she wised up and realized what a fucking asshole he was to her and her kids--I hope she found another meal ticket, one that treated her, and her children, way better).  

So, from what I can tell of our phone call is that 1) my ex is still blaming only his mother for having to give up his rights to his children, 2) he still thinks he's so very smart, and 3) B was a woman who "actually loved him" and he regrets breaking her heart (and I got the feeling he thinks he utterly destroyed her).  Damn guys, did you know he was so fucking special?  And to think, I let that man slip out of my grasp!!  Whoo-ee.  What was I even thinking???

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why I only talk to him maybe twice a year.  

Sigh.  

After her got with his wife, she dragged me through their new house and showed off ALL THE WORK my ex put into their house.  Painting all the rooms.  Fixing shit.  Blah blah blah.  All I could think was "Who even is this guy?  The man who made me take my 9-months-pregnant-scared-of-heights ass up on a ladder to paint my baby's nursery because he refused to."  Yeah, whoever did all that shit?  Was NOT the man I had been married to.  He was lazy AF and refused to anything for me, ever.  He would even make my sick-ass go to the drugstore to get my own Kleenex.

I hate my ex.  

Not in an active way.  I don't hate him now.  I hate who he was when he was in our lives.  His control issues and manipulations.  His verbal, emotional, physical, mental, and sexual abuse.  He wasn't prepared to be married to me.  The bitch who took no shit and who's ASD-PDA ass would never do anything I didn't want to.  A man with a strong need for control and a woman who refused to be controlled.  You'd think his bitch-ass would have backed down.  But alas, you'd be wrong.  As was I.  

It was like two bulls fighting it out to the death in the pasture.  Nobody ever won our fights, but I did win the long game.  That game is called "not being a narcissist".  And because of that, I win.  He's still selfish, self-centered, and self-serving and I have a husband and two kids "who actually do love me".  My ex?  Wouldn't know what real love was or meant if it punched him in the face.  Which I wanted to do many times in my life.  I never did though.  I never even threatened it (though I did threaten to beat his ass once, when he threatened to beat my 1 1/2 year old son's ass for being too slow on the stairs).  This man was not prepared to deal with me.  A real mom with PDA.  

And he still thinks he did nothing wrong.  Everything is everyone else's fault.  Geez.  Some people never change.  Thank goodness I did.  

Here's my song about him: 

Ooh, I need to make a song about him!  Yes!  That will be my next song.  I will link it below.  

Choo choo, motherfuckers.  

So, apparently my mother has emphysema.  And a month ago she agreed to quit smoking.  I was out of tobacco and asked if I could just not buy more.  She said no, she will smoke less and less all by herself and I don't need to do anything at all about it, just give her the same amount of cigarettes per usual and she'll cut down on her own.  

It's been a month and she's done nothing.  

So today, her old BFF Jane got ahold of her and she told me that Jane just quit smoking a week ago.  I said "OMG you two can be quitting sisters!"  She ignored me.  She said "Jane has COPD and emphysema and blah blah blah."  And I said "Just like you will have if you don't quit."  She walked away from me, annoyed.  I said "Listen, do you want to be on oxygen?  Because that's where you're headed.  Do you really want the last years of your life being spent suffering like that?  Choose better."  She ignored me and went to her room.

Then she came back out, saying she's got uncontrollable diarrhea again.  And then she had the nerve to use that as an excuse to not quit.  "Well, with this going on," she says in a discouraged tone (which I can tell was 100% fake) "I am not even going to worry about quitting" she said with an exaggerated sigh.  I replied "Oh you don't have a choice.  You do realize that stimulants cause diarrhea, right?  So the more you smoke, the more diarrhea you'll have."  She HATES when I point out facts that discredit her stupidity.  She, once again, ignored me.  I said "You need to cut down."  She said "I have!!"  I said "No you haven't.  I give you the same amount of cigarettes every single day."  She said "I meant since we moved in here."  I replied "You know damn well what I am talking about.  And YOU didn't cut down anything, I cut them down for you."  She ignored me and went outside.  To smoke, of course.

So, tonight's cigarettes will be 9 instead of her normal 10.  And they will stay at nine until I get a new bag of tobacco and then we're going to 8 (which is half a bag away).  Every half of bag, she's cutting down by one.  I GAVE HER the opportunity to do it herself, and she did NOTHING.  So now the choice is being made for her.  She's got emphysema and she's quitting.  It's as simple as that.  

And I bet tomorrow she's going to be angry.  But she can be angry all she wants.  It won't affect what I give her.  She asked me to let her do this herself, and I let her.  But she failed and now it's on me.  And I have to deal with her BS over it.  Oh well.  That's life.  By the time she sees the pulmonary doc, we'll be down to 8, so that will be a good thing to tell him.  

My last therapist left to start her own practice (and she doesn't take medical card so I can't see her anymore).  And I am really hoping this new one isn't like all the others.  I've had ONE therapist that fit the way I like therapy, just one.  Her name is Nina and she left to go work at an old folk's home as an activities coordinator.  Sigh.  Every other therapist either a) is a total narcissist who either lies to me, or gaslights me or b) does that whole "listening" bullshit rather than actually giving therapy.  It's like....in reality, why do these people think that listening and repeating what you say is worth around $100 an hour??  I could get that for free from my husband.  For real, I need to become an professional listener, and I could make money at it, and do exactly what these therapists do, minus the fact that I would have student loans to pay off, so I could charge affordable prices.  "$30 bucks an hour, and I will listen to you tell me your problems and I will parrot back to you what you said to me!  Just like your therapist does!"  LOL  For real, I should actually do that.  "Shay, the Listening Life Coach".  I am a licensed life coach, so why not?  They could save money on therapy bills and I'd probably do the same, if not better, job.  

My last therapist was very validating, too.  She would add in "I totally can see how you'd feel that way!" and "Wow, that sounds so hard!"  She was (is) a seriously nice person.  But at the same time, she didn't give me any actual therapy.  She didn't prod me to explore my feelings.  She didn't really act like anything other than a good friend who was actually interested in my issues.  Granted, it did help me.  I am not saying seeing her was a total waste.  But I am to wonder what is it that we're doing here with therapy these days?  What is the purpose or the point?  And could we get the same involvement and outcome from something or someone else?

So, I should start at the beginning and ask what my real question is: What exactly is therapy?  So, I took that question to ChatGPT and here is what it came up with: 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Therapy, often called counseling or psychotherapy, is a process where a trained professional, a therapist, helps individuals explore their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors to better understand and address their challenges. Therapy can take various forms, such as talk therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), and more, depending on the therapist's approach and the client's needs.

People go to therapy for a variety of reasons, including:

1. Emotional Support: Therapy offers a safe, non-judgmental space to talk about personal issues, mental health struggles, or life challenges, with someone who is trained to listen and guide.

2. Mental Health Management: Those dealing with conditions like anxiety, depression, PTSD, or mood disorders benefit from therapeutic strategies and coping mechanisms that can help alleviate symptoms.

3. Self-Exploration and Growth: Therapy can be a way to gain deeper insights into one's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, often leading to personal growth, improved self-esteem, and emotional resilience.

4. Trauma Recovery: For people who have experienced trauma, therapy can provide tools to heal and integrate those experiences in a healthy way, rather than letting them disrupt life.

5. Relationship Issues: Whether it's family, friends, or romantic partners, therapy can help people improve communication, resolve conflicts, or navigate difficult relationships.

6. Life Transitions and Stress: Major life changes, such as career shifts, grief, or aging, can bring about stress and uncertainty. Therapy helps individuals cope and adapt to these transitions.

7. Breaking Negative Patterns: Therapists help identify and break unhealthy patterns of thought or behavior, fostering better decision-making and creating more positive outcomes in life.

People go to therapy because it's a powerful tool for healing, growth, and self-awareness. It helps them to process difficult emotions, find solutions to problems, and ultimately live healthier, more fulfilling lives.

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We all think of Monk going to see his therapist or Tony Soprano seeing his.  We see them asking probing questions and directing them towards making personal discoveries (or breakthroughs) in their sessions.  This is what I used to think therapy was.  And this is what Nina used to do for me.  

Everyone else?  Not so much.  

My first therapist uncovered that I had been sexually molested as a child.  He said every single thing I told him about my life as a kid and what I was going through as an adult, all pointed to being molested.  I had had a VISERAL flashback when I watched Melrose Place when Allison was marrying Billy, and she had had a flashback while her father was walking her down the aisle.  When that happened, I had started panicking, like I couldn't get out of the room fast enough, and felt like I couldn't breathe.  When I had told my mother-in-law about about at the time (she's my ex-MIL now), she laughed and said "You're so sensitive!  You were just reacting to the character on the screen!"  Because that happens.  My ex-MIL is a cunt, btw.  Just so you're aware of that.  But this was something that had never happened before.  Sure, I had panic attacks, but not like that.  And not over something like that.  

Anyways, I brought that up to my therapist, and he started asking me questions and I relayed all of everything I could remember.  And we both concluded what I had at the time was a body flashback and I had been most likely molested as a kid.  And all these years later, I do know that he was right.  He was a good therapist, but like all the others, he left, and I never saw him again.  So I was wrong, Nina wasn't the only good one I had.  But I don't remember his name at all.  

Then I saw a series of bad ones that were free, due to the fact they were reupping their licenses and had to give so many hours of therapy away for free.  Drew.  Gail.  Some other lady.  But then, Nina.  Nina prodded me for info, helped direct my thoughts to more healthy ones, and gave me tons of great coping skills and homework to work on.  She was the real deal.  

But then she left and I had a series of other ones who, at times seemed like they were going to be super helpful (but not Regina, she was a jerk), but turned out to be narcissists in sheep's clothing.  They lied.  They gaslit me.  They changed what they said to me from appointment to appointment.  They didn't listen.  Or they did nothing but talk about themselves for at least half of the appointment.  And then I had a few who just let me ramble on and never once interjected with anything but repeating what I just said to them.  At least my last one also included information on websites and books I could go look up.  And she was way more supportive than the others, but still.  Is this what therapy has come to?  Is this what it is now?  Paid listening? (some don't even do that!)

It's like, what on earth am I paying for here?  Is this all there is?  Are there actually any therapists who who do their actual jobs?  

Here is another question: what are these guys learning at school?  Are they being taught to be like this?  If so, what in the holy hell are they racking up all this debt for?  When they could just be paid listeners instead??  Or even life coaches??  Yes, they get paid more for being a therapist, but they have all that debt to pay off first.  Granted, maybe that's the point?  Maybe they're playing the long game here?  Once their debt is paid off, they'll be rolling in the dough!  

And it's all a fucking scam. 

A good therapist is worth their weight in gold.  One who listens, but also hears you and uses what you say to get your mind to open and to see the truth.  One who gives you coping skills, and has you work on things at home and actually uses those things to further your therapeutic journey.  One who pokes you and prods you to get you open up the parts of your mind and thought processes that are shut off due to maladaptive thinking.  One who's goal is to have you be so mentally healthy by the time you're therapy is done, you have no need for them anymore.  

Where are all those guys??  What happened to them? 

I once went to a sexual assault counselor and we never once talked about my rape (the reason I was going there) or my sexual abuse as a child.  We never talked about sexual assault once.  We talked about my abusive mother.  I did like her.  She was a nice person, but she refused to believe that my mother had NPD.  It's like, I know for 100% fact my mother has NPD, but now you're trying to, what, gaslight me?  Because you don't agree?  It was weird.  She wanted to think my mother had trauma, and that's why she was the way she was.  My mother DID have trauma.  But that doesn't mean my mom didn't have NPD LOL  Sigh.  I eventually started seeing a new therapist, and I didn't want to see two, so I stopped seeing her.  

The ONLY thing I walked away from my very long time of seeing her (like a year) was my love of genealogy.  C got me into that, because she was into that and thought due to me being adopted, it was a good idea I explore that.  She wasn't wrong.  But still....what kind of sexual assault counselor never talks about sexual assault or changed the subject when I did bring it up?  Sounds me to like SHE was the one with trauma and needed her own SA counselor.  

I feared writing this, because my last therapist asked me for all of my links to everything that I did, including my YouTube channel and my books that I've written.  And she KNEW I told her I had hard time saying no to people, esp. when put on the spot.  So I just blurted out all my info before thinking about whether or not I should be giving that information out.  And now I feel stifled.  Now I feel like I am being controlled by the idea that someone I know could be reading what I write.  And they may not like it.  

But here's what I say to that: who cares?  I will not silence myself out of fear.  And feedback is a good thing.  I could never tell her to her face that her therapy was not real therapy.  It was validating and nice to talk to someone outside of my home, but it wasn't therapy.  Not in the least.  And the moment I would have had to pay for it out of pocket?  I would have refused.  As I am not paying for someone to act like my friend.  That's just weird.  (and here I go blocking her on my phone so I don't get a text message about this LOL  If you're reading this, D, don't, I don't want you on my personal blog, that's overstepping your bounds as a therapist, you should have never have asked me for this info in the first place).  

So, my new therapist?  I really hope she's nice.  I really hope she gives me real therapy.  If not, I will see if I can switch. I need more structure.  I need more direction.  I need concrete ideas and techniques to implement in my life.  No, I don't need to be told what to do constantly, but what I don't need is yet another pseudo-therapist who acts like a life coach (just kidding, life coaches 100% give you more shit to work on than a therapist does) or a friend who's really interested in your drama.  And the worst part about all of this is?  I EXPLAIN EXACTLY WHAT I WANT TO EVERY SINGLE THERAPIST I GET.  And none of them listen.  Not even a little bit.  

But I am seriously thinking about getting paid to be a listener.  Hell, I could start my own business and employ other listeners, too.  

I mean, why not?  No reason anyone should have to pay the outrageous prices a therapist charges to do the same exact thing.  

Anyways, I will come back after my first appointment and I'll post how it goes.