When my mom went to the family reunion back in 2013 when The Great Awakening happened, she told the entire family "I don't know why Shay has never done anything with her life."  Funny, I was a mother of two young boys, who I homeschooled.  My mother?  Was the one who never did anything with her life.  Not a damn thing.  She didn't even raise me.  Sure, she bought food, kept me fed (with crappy food), and kept me clothed.  But she didn't nurture me.  She didn't even have empathy when I hurt myself.  In fact, now that I think about it, me getting hurt actually not only makes her uncomfortable, but angry.  A few years ago I had a migraine and she slapped me in the head several times.  And more recently, when she knew I had a migraine, she would yell on purpose to hurt my head more.  As a kid, she'd tell me to shut up if I cried or she'd laugh at me or mock me for crying.  In 2022, I was in the ER with a burst cyst on my ovary, and I got home and she was so livid that she slammed a door into my back, right where I was in pain.  If you're a therapist, tell me, what the fuck can make a person angry about being hurt?  So weird.

Anyways.  She had said this, most likely projecting onto me how she felt about herself.  But today I realized something else, other than my autistic PDA, that makes it impossible for me to "make something of myself":  

My kids.  

Not in a mean way.  But I have a two higher needs autistic kids who are in their middle twenties and still need me as their caretakers.  And I don't have the time or ability to do a whole lot for myself (though sometimes I do, and I still can't, due to my autism/PDA).  I am not blaming them.  I am just realizing that I have made something of myself.  I may not be the best at it, but I am a mom.  First and foremost, above most things, I am a mother.  Yes, I get burnt out and I want to run away sometimes, and I fail, quite a bit.  But I am a real mom (unlike my mom, who is a "for show mom").  And while I may need more breaks than other moms, due to my autism and my PDA, I am still a mom and the best one I can be at any given moment.  I am trying to do better for my kids, and I don't always do it, but I don't give up.  That's one thing in life I don't give up on.  My oldest son may tell you I give up a lot, and that I am lazy, but I have anxiety, autism, and PDA (and POTS and fibro, etc.).  He can't see those things or does he think they're valid (because his autism blinds him to the fact that these things affect me, and he is usually only concerned with what affects him), but they are valid and they are real.  I don't need his approval in that way to know I am a good mom and I am trying my best.  

But either way, my mother is wrong.  I may not be a famous writer (yet) or a famous artist (yet) or a whatever whatever (yet).  But for now, I am mom.  And a damn good one at that.  And while I do need time for my own identity and my own interests and my own life, my kids are high needs and I have to do more than most moms at the ages that my children are.  And that's a LOT to ask of a single person.  But I am not sitting here blaming them or complaining.  It is what it is.  I love my kids and I love being a mom. 

Unlike my mom, who made all this time for herself and rather than fill it with making something of herself, she filled it with smoking, drinking, and gossiping.  Which I wouldn't even be commenting about if she hadn't had projected that shit onto me.  But that's who she is.  That's who they all are.  Simple-minded idiots who think they can control the world with their demands and silliness.  Overgrown children, they are.  And overgrown children they will always be.

Poor Amanda Bynes.  I remember watching her when my kids were growing up on Nickelodeon.  Then I saw the expose on Dan Schnieder and I wasn't surprised at all.  I had always followed what was going on with her, as I felt so badly for her predicament.  She once tweeted how her father verbally, physically, and sexually assaulted her and her mother, Lynn Bynes, wrote this: 

"I am heartbroken today for my husband of 47 years. Rick has been the best father and husband a family can ask for. He has never abused Amanda or our other children physically or sexually. These accusations are absolutely horrible and could not be further from the truth! These allegations stem from Amanda's mental state at the moment. They have no basis in reality. It saddens me beyond belief that my husband's character could be slandered in such a way."

I think we all know what that means.  Any mother whose response is like this?  Is covering up for a guilty person.  If you truly loved your daughter and cared about her well-being?  Your response would resemble a human being's like this: 

"(insert silence here)"

Because REAL parents don't make public statements about their children unless forced to do so, especially not about their child's mental health, which is nobody's business.  The ONLY public statement I saw from a mother who didn't seem like a jerk was Ryan Buell's mother who warned people that her son had an issue stealing money from people, so please don't buy any tickets to his programs.  He was taking money for tickets (like $80,000) and then not showing up and not giving refunds.  I guess he lied about having cancer, too.  (I had a friend who did this--the cancer part, not the money part--though he did steal lots of things and went to jail for it).  She wrote: 

"PLEASE stop enabling his situation by sending money, buying tickets to events that may never occur, buying merchandise/phone calls you may never get, paying money to watch him on Twitch, and giving him offers of shelter ... I am pleading with you out of LOVE for my son and I'm frightened by what his situation has become."

I mean, that's outing his bad behavior without being slanderous.  Whereas what Lynn said was protecting her husband, not her child.  And that's some narcissisticly codependent fucked up shit.  And it sounds like something my mother would post, if she knew how to post things.  

So, I kinda believe that Amanda's dad possibly DID do those things to her.  Which could be part of why she wanted to be emancipated as a kid.  And could explain her having a close relationship with Dan.  And she deleted it, sure, but that doesn't mean anything.  Maybe she wanted to state the truth, but knew it would hurt her, so she deleted it.  I mean, I once went completely transparent on this page and I deleted it because I knew it could be used against me if I were to be found out by my crazy-ass family.  

What do you think?  As a child of a toxic parent, do you think that Lynn's response reminds you of a narcissistic parent supporting an abuser?  Let me know in the comments.  

I can't write much about this, because I am trying to not think about it too much right now, as it just happened yesterday and it's so horribly painful.  But my beloved dog died yesterday.  In 2023, we lose three dogs, one to a stroke in January, and our two boys in May or so who we had to put down, due to old age and sickness.  But yesterday, my Pomeranian, my baby, the dog that was with me all the time, who loved me and I loved so freaking much, just died.  

A month prior he started having odd seizures.  We finally had the money to bring him to the vet two days ago and he didn't even examine him and said "Oh, it's just epilepsy, here's some pills".  Turns out, my dog was PASSING OUT, not having seizures anymore, and then he aspirated either food or water that night, and then died the next at the emergency vet's office.  

I can't do anything without feeling the loss of him.  Grief is like living in a dark nasty hole, only to have the sun rise in moments over the hole, making you think "Oh look, I am no longer in this hole", but then the sun moves and you remember, "Nope, I still live in this horrible little hole".  My dog was only eight years old.  He was supposed to live at least another 10 years, that was the deal we made.  Poms can live to be 20.  But I guess heart disease is common in Poms and he had a heart blockage.  I got his teeth cleaned recently so that didn't happen, but I think it had started long before that.  He was getting tired in the car, sometimes almost immediately, and that's not like him.  But I just thought he was middle-aged, I didn't think he was sick.  I also have this thing about vets...they suck.  And they almost NEVER diagnose your pet properly, so unless your dog is super sick?  Taking them to the vet is almost useless, as they just brush everything off and then charge you 100's of dollars for it.  Just like a real docor!

I cannot WAIT until we get AI doctors and vets....humans are too stupid for this (they're also too stupid to be driving, too, but that's a different topic all together).  An AI vet or doctor would have ALL knowledge and could test you for everything, and if AI was in charge, it would either be free or cost barely anything.  AND we'd get actual answers and not have to go through years of suffering until we do (and sometimes, we never do--like my dog, he died before we could get answers).  

He didn't even look sick.  When they brought him to me after he died, he looked normal.  Just like he was sleeping.  He didn't look weird or bad or different in the least.  He just didn't twitch his ear when I touched it, like he normally does.  

If vets were better (and cheaper)?  I would have brought him MONTHS ago and he could have been diagnosed (maybe).  If vets were better?  He could have been diagnosed the day before and maybe we could have put him down that day, instead of him sitting for TWELVE hours, panting (though he was struggling to breathe, I wasn't sure at the time, but he was) waiting for the vet to open the next day.  He suffered needlessly for twelve straight hours, which makes me sick to think about.  Granted, had he been diagnosed, they may have tried to save him with medication and he may have died anyways, in the same manner.  There is no way to tell.  But I want to blame something!  I need there to be a reason, even if that reason is me, and that reason needs to be something that could have been fixable.  But deep down, I know there is no one single reason (other than me, maybe).  I could have taken him to the vet months ago, but I also know they most likely wouldn't have diagnosed him properly.  Or maybe they would have.  I don't know.  I just want him back.  He's not supposed to be dead.  He's supposed to be my little guy who is always with me and loves riding in the car.  He was supposed to go on adventures with us.  He was supposed to move to our new property with us.  He was supposed to be my baby for at least ten more years.  TEN!  I didn't even get ten years total with him!!!  

I can't write anymore.  I have do something else, distract myself from the grief that wants to consume me.  My sinuses hurt from crying so much and I woke up with a migraine.  At least I can pee without crying my eyes out today.  Or maybe that won't last.  I will be alone most of the day, so I need to keep busy, or else I will dissolve into this horribleness.  So I will clean my room, and the house and do laundry and whatever else I can to keep myself busy.  

I feel so empty.  His loss is a HUGE part of my soul and I don't know how that will ever heal.  He was my baby.  My soul dog.  And now he's gone.  And I just want me and my family to switch timelines to get him back.  

I don't tell my mother things that she doesn't need to know.  This is a part of keeping to the boundaries I've built with her throughout the past five years.  In the past fear years, she never knew I had an upper GI, that I got sick in December of 2023 and went to the ER like 15 times (or that I'm still healing from the damage it did), that I had an almost total hysterectomy, or that I had a breast biopsy.  She also didn't know that my hubby went back to college and got his Bachelor's degree.  I don't tell her these things, because the minute she finds out about anything, she tries to assert some sort of control, usually angrily.  

Like when I went to the ER for the cyst on ovary exploding (bursting, but exploding sounds funnier).  I was in EXCRUCIATING pain and instead of feeling bad for me, she decided to see that I was incapacitated and not only take advantage of it, but also used it to physically attack me (I should have called the cops, what was I thinking?).  Then take the other day, when I made barely any noise when I opened the fridge and the shelf fell off the door, her bedroom door swung open and she kept asking me if I had been cut.  Huh?????  The woman is beyond weird and the next time she feigns care for me, I will ask her "How come after I came home from the ER on Thanksgiving you never asked me if I was okay, you just went insane, screamed at me, and slammed a door into my back?  If you care so much about, why did you do that?"  That will shut her up.  

Anyways, she found out that my hubby got a job, after being off of work for a year and now she's back at it, trying to control her doctor's appointments and telling me what to do with my own husband again.  Sigh.  I put a stop to it yesterday.  I said "Listen, I don't need your help scheduling appointments or telling when to schedule them or telling me who's going to drive you.  I have all of that covered."  She said "What?"  "I SAID why do you think I need with your appointments?"  "Oh, I know you don't!"  "Sure ma, then why did you leave a long ass note for me all about it on the fridge?  I already have these appointments made and if I need to reschedule them, I will.  You have ZERO idea what our schedule looks like, so please, I don't need your help."  

That shut her up.  Sometimes I think she thinks she's my equal.  She's not.  There is no equals with mother.  There is either you, or her on top.  That's it.  She doesn't allow it any other way.  She used to think she was woman of the house and my husband was man of the house, and that ousted me as anything...oh wait, yes, I am her servant.  But now I am the woman of the house and she's the grandma of the house, because I made it that way, and sometimes she tries to sneak her crown back, but it's not happening.  According to my mother, there is only one boss.  And I made sure it stopped being her years ago.  It was the only way to take my power back.  And it's going to stay that way.  

I would gladly share this title if she realized she's not in charge of me or my family, just herself, but she's HORRIBLE at taking care of herself and instead, concentrates on nitpicking and controlling everyone else.  So nope.  

And that's why you have to nip that crap in the bud the moment it happens.  Otherwise she'll keep taking more and more opportunities to go back to her old self.  It's tedious and sometimes we want to just say "Oh it's just one time, let her have it, just don't say anything."  That's how they dig their claws in.  And before you know it, you're back to being controlled again.  

She's also been telling us what to do on how to build the catio and telling me this and that and blah blah blah. I keep having to gently push her back into her roll as grandmother; not mother, and certainly not boss.  It's annoying.  She has a hair up her ass and has been calling her sister more and more lately, something she's never done before in her ENTIRE LIFE.  She hates her sister, but she's bored and lonely and decided now to call her all the time.  She's all been calling her old friends.  And I think that's great.  He sister seems to have dementia, too, and I am glad they can talk before they both get too bad.  Hell, maybe we can move to MN and put them in a home together?  That would be nice.  I mean, her sister is a troublemaker, and will sick my horrible cousins on me if she wanted to, but hopefully they can just reconnect without bringing me or them into it.  We'll see about that.  

The longer I know my mother, the more I can see she's really a sociopath.  She's a bit cruel, but also just she has ZERO real feelings, other than anger and sadness.  Which makes me sad for her.  But to make her happy, you need to give her control.  And that ain't happening (as she abuses it).  So she has control over the things in her life she can't hurt others with, but it's not enough for her.  Well, I can't help that.  That's not my job to make her happy by allowing her to hurt me or my family.  

So here we are.  Keeping to our boundaries and living life the best we can.  

Well, I am in some pretty bad pain (I did yardwork for two days and now my everything hurts) so I am going to go get a heating pad and mop my kitchen and do my dishes.  Yay!  Oh and wash my blanket, as my dog keeps having seizures and peed on it.  They were every 3-4 days and now he has small ones daily (we're hoping it will stop soon).  My last dog had epilepsy, but this isn't that.  My dog is 8 and these just started, and the vet suspects a brain tumor.  I am not happy with this.  He's my baby and I don't know what I will do without him.  I just hope this is temporary and he gets better :(  

Sigh.  Life can be dumb sometimes.  

There comes a point in my life, over and over again, where everything is either just too much or everything is not enough.  And sometimes...it's both.  

I am at that point now.  As are my children.  We've all had enough.  But we've also not had enough for a long, long time.  And now?  It's time for a change.  

We've been at this point many times.  But it never sticks.  We try to change and then we go right back to the same shit as before.  But this time, it's different.  This time, it's life or death.  

My son has come to me several times lately to talk about his suicidal ideation.  And now, we have no choice but to change.  And now I feel like I have the motivation to create this change.  But why did it take so long to get here?  

Granted, part of it is that I feel I have no right to tell someone else what to do with their life as an adult, so I felt stuck.  I can't march into my son's room and demand he applies for jobs or demand he does anything at all.  I know many of you may feel that you can do that to your child, and you do do it, and I have to say, I don't agree with you.  But that's your life.  My life is different.  I don't make demands.  

"Well Shay, maybe if you did, your son wouldn't feel so bad?"  Maybe.  But I also know what happens when you take an autistic PDA person and make demands on them.  They will go so hard in the opposite direction that their situation will get way worse.  There's a delicate balance you have to strike with a PDA person, as I have it myself.  

The issue is here, I don't know what else could have happened to force change in our family, other than this.  And that's awful.  Granted, maybe there are many things that could have forced change, like a new girlfriend or boyfriend.  Or some opportunity.  Though that last one, my son would have been excited and then at the last second cancelled because he just couldn't do it, as that's how things have been going for him lately.  Anxiety is a beast of a thing to try to wade through.  So short of someone coming in and fixing us, I really don't know what else could have happened.  

But it's happened, and now we have to push HARD to make the changes we need to make to make things better.  We're doing it, but we need to STAY doing it.  And that's the hard part.  But I can't go back this time.  I have to make this be the big PUSH we needed to actually change our lives and do things differently.  And nobody else is control of this but me.  And that's a lot of pressure.  But I have to, for the mental health of my children and for the sake of their lives.  I have to grow the fuck up and be the mom I need to be in order to fix this.  I always feel so...inadequate in this department.  I am bossy, but not like that.  But now I have to be.  I will be fifty in a couple years and I thought I'd be relaxing back and just doing what I like.  Turns out, I am still a parent and I need to still be parenting.  My oldest is like 10 years behind due to his autism.  And there's nothing wrong with that.  I just wasn't thinking of this as a parent of autistic kids.  I was thinking of my life as a parent of kids.  Turns out, I was wrong.  So, very, very wrong.  And I messed up.  

And now it's time to fix it.  

Um, so yeah, my mother didn't do anything bad on my birthday, but my birthmother sure did.  I didn't get a card from her so I scanned my email to see if she wrote and sure enough, at 11:20 this morning, she did.  And uhhhh, this is what I got: