So uh, my mom's BFF Christmas just came over without telling me she was doing so and got annoyed I would not let her in.  She was supposed to come over last week, but my house is PACKED with crap due to the fact my hubby and I traded rooms with our oldest son (the living room).  You couldn't even get to the front door!  Much less the kitchen.  But I told her my husband was sick (which he is).

So, I said later this week.  She called on Tuesday, I said he was still sick.  She said "Maybe Friday?"  I said I will let you know.  She called last night, I didn't see it until late.  She called his morning, I didn't answer, as I didn't want to deal with it.  We're still organizing everything and the kitchen is still packed with boxes.  There is ZERO room for her to visit.  And I didn't want to explain all that.  

NOR SHOULD I HAVE TO.  

This is MY house.  I live here.  I do not owe a single person an explanation for why they cannot visit.  Why it's not a good time.  Yes, my mother lives here, too, but I have things going on right now, I can't help that people cannot come over at the moment. 

But apparently she called and said she was coming over, something I told her a long time ago she was not allowed to do.  I told her she needs permission to visit, as I have a very aggressive dog (to strangers in his house, to us he's not aggressive to us at all and he is trying to like strangers outside of his house and doing quite well with it) and because I need to make sure it's clean.  Because, WTF.  Who doesn't want to clean up before someone stops by???  

Sigh.  

So, Christmas (not the holiday) was bored.  She's someone who always needs something to do, or else she gets anxious.  And she wanted something to do today, apparently, and thought that she could just disobey my house's rules, and just pop over for a visit with my mom.  Here are the reasons why that's not allowed: 

1. My house is not always put together.  a) Right now I have a HUGE burn pile built up in the kitchen (we burn our paper and cardboard), b) our dishes aren't done, c) the floor needs a good mopping, and d) THERE ARE FOUR HUGE PLASTIC BINS FILLED WITH STUFF BLOCKING EVERYTHING.  Some of those bins are for our garage sale, but most are to figure out where they need to go.  I am in the process of organizing and cleaning, I do not need someone, esp. a judgmental asshole who hates messy spaces, coming over and seeing my mess.  And yes, she's a judgmental asshole, as she's bitched to me before about having to clean her friend's fridge (she was paid to do it), and she kept talking about how "horribly disgusting it was".  I was like, "Why would she need you clean it if it was clean already???!!"  What an idiot.  
2. I have a mean dog.  He's actually pretty lovely and lovey and kind and sweet and adorable.  But he HATES strangers at his house.  He will BITE them.  Enough said.  She sat there today, saying "I won't catch what your husband has, I can just come through!" while my dog was going NUTS at the door, trying to break it down.  I was standing there like "Can you not see how stressful this is for me?  Cannot you not hear the rage in my dog's barks?  Do you want to come in and have him bite you??"  I need to either remove him from my house when she comes over or crate him.  Recently, my son has been taking him out on a leash when she comes over to get him used to her.  I hate it, but it seems to be working.  
3. I don't have a doorbell that works, I can't hear her knocking.  Today, though, she called my mom's number, which made me run to the door to answer it, because otherwise my mom would try to come out into my room to let her him, even though there is ZERO room for her to, and my mom is not allowed in my room. 
4. IT'S JUST FUCKING RUDE IF I ALREADY TOLD HER NOT TO DO IT!!  And I did tell her not to do it, more than once.  And she agreed.  Now the crazy woman has a cell phone, so she can call the moment she's on the porch and if I don't answer, she will call our house phone, which rings my mom's room.  Next time I will turn off the internet so the phones won't work LOL  

I found my first best friend.  Again.  I've looked her up many times in my life.   I've always wanted to contact her, but I don't know what to say.  I know she's most likely a narcissist.  Maybe not.  I had my best friend's daughter pegged for one, and she turned out to be a really wonderful adult.  Same goes for my kids' oldest stepsister.  She used to be horrible but grew up sweet and kind.  But there was something different about Tricia.  That's her real name.  I have no reason to hide it.  Granted, if I compared her to my best friend's daughter, I couldn't say they were that much different.  But then again, my BFF's daughter didn't hurt people for fun.   I was like 4 when I met her, but I knew her for many years, and that's my memory over 40 year later.  

I remember being in an argument with her and her reaching out and shoving me into a rosebush.  And I was stuck and screaming and my mom came out and Tricia followed us indoors into the bathroom, and I was so angry at her I just wanted her to leave.  But she just stood there, watching my mother washing all the blood off my body.  I don't remember her being sorry.  I don't remember her saying anything at all.  She just watched.  Granted, my memory could be wrong, but this stood out, just like the time she decided to poop in my front yard (so gross-kids are ick).  She also used to get the other kids to throw rocks at me when she was mad at me, or stick sticks into the spokes of my bike wheels when I would be riding home away from them in tears because they were being mean to me.  Tricia was my bully.  And my best friend.  

I also remember her and the boy I liked (who happened to be her boyfriend) being overly sexual with one another.  Which led to her being overly sexual with me, which led me to being overly sexual with other children we hung out with.  I didn't know it was wrong.  I don't know who started it, whether it was her or the boy I liked, but either way, one of them had to have been molested or shown something they shouldn't have seen, on a regular basis.  Which then led both of them to being overly sexual when we were all together.  

This affected my life greatly, as a kid.  Nobody ever asked me where I learned that stuff or why I did and said the things I did, I just got into trouble.  A lot.  And today?  Not a single kid from my childhood has sought me out as an adult.  And I really wonder why.  I can only assume it's because they thought I was a total weirdo as a kid and did weirdo things.  Granted, as I aged, those things got less and less, thank goodness, but what Tricia had taught me as a kid really affected my life back then.  And the lives of our friends.  

And I wanted to write to her about it.  But what on earth would I say?  "Hey I remember you were a total spoiled brat and taught me inappropriate things that messed up my life as a kid."  And if I am wrong about her, and she's not a narcissist, maybe, just maybe, we could get to the bottom of what was being taught to either her or I and we could finally put that chapter of our lives to rest.  But I don't think I am wrong about her.  So what will it do then?  Absolutely nothing.  Also, it may bring her to retaliate against me.  So, what's the point?  Thinking we'd figure things out is also a long shot, most likely her answer would be "I don't remember".  Or she'd blame me, even though she was older than me and I know I learned all about certain things from her.  

Instead, I think I want to put her chapter to rest.  I need to let her go.  I need to expunge her from my past and my soul.  I need to allow all the horrible things she did to me, and that she got others to do to me, to not be erased, but to be forgiven.  I could say she was just a child, but I was also just a child.  And I didn't deserve the things she did to me.  And I didn't do those things to her.  I did not bully her.  I did not hurt her in any way.  I looked up to her and thought she was my best friend.  But she used that against me and because of that, I followed a cycle of letting horrible people do horrible things to me from then on.  She was my first real friend in life.  And she showed me what friendship was.  And from then on, I either had friends who abused me, or I became a friend to those who I saw as weaker then me and bossed them around, the way she did me.  I didn't abuse them, but I did hurt them.  I never learned to do better until I was in my 30's.  

I think I now know what to write to her.  I was confused before.  I didn't know what I would say.  But just like my old neighbor Ray, who was a priest and touched me inappropriately under the Christmas table at his sister's house in 2016 or so, and the man I used to babysit for over 30 years ago, I wrote them a letter, said what they did, and let it go.  I now have to write to Tricia.  And I will let her go.  

There are other people I could write to.  But I tend to either run into them, or they can find me online or may know where I live.  So, I will leave them all alone until my family moves.  This December, which is the month of letting go for me, as I sent my last two letters in December two years ago, will be about my first real friend, Tricia A.  The little girl with stark blonde hair who treated me like total trash as a kid.  I need to find a way to forgive her and move on.  Sending her a letter would be good, but I need to be careful, as her old BFF, a mutual friend of ours growing up, knows how to find me.  But I can just block her if I have to.  Tricia is a narcissist.  That much I remember.  But her old BFF is not, but she is a flying monkey of hers.  So that's similar.  I just hope I don't run into her anywhere.  But if I do, I will say "Listen, what happened between me and Tricia as kids is between us, you weren't there, you don't know.  This is none of your business."  And I will walk away (or block her on social media).  

Thinking about sending her a letter hurts my stomach.  But I know I need to do it, though I also don't want to be on this woman's radar, which I haven't been for most of my life.  But I can send a letter that's short and to the point, and not signed, but she will know exactly who it is.  

Okay, I think I will work on my letter today.  I will say sending a letter to my hubby's boss who had a crush on him and then insulted me at his going away party for work was the right thing to do, but what I wrote was NOT the right thing to write, as it didn't convey exactly how I felt.  It was too nice.  So I need to remember that this time.  Not to be mean, but to convey exactly what I want to say, but at the same time imagine her reading it and laughing at me, so I have to be careful not to completely humiliate myself.  Also, I don't know what she's capable of as a narcissistic adult, so I also need to be careful.  

Okay, off to go plan my letter.  

So, this holiday season, I have a black eye and my bladder/urethra hurt like hell.  Why?  Because I had "urodynamic testing" done and while the doctor and the website all said "Oh, it doesn't hurt at all!!", let me tell you, they are freaking liars.  I think I have IC (and they think that, too) and FUCKING HELL do not get this done if you have IC.  HOLY BANANA BALLS just don't do it!  The pain is EXCRUCIATING and I did drop a few F-Bombs during the procedure, loudly. and screamed a LOT.  They had to try it THREE times with three different catheters because it hurt so bad.  And then I came home, and oh god, the pain I felt peeing was like nothing I've ever had before.  It's better now, thank goodness.  But I did take some Tylenol, so I think that may have helped (usually it doesn't).  

And I got the back eye because I wouldn't shut up when they were doing the procedure.  LOL j/k  No, I actually gave it to myself.  I went to pick up some plastic shelves and the dumb fucks didn't have them taken apart for me and I had to do it and my hand got loose and I jammed one of the risers right into my eye (which blinded me for a moment). AND it broke my glasses.  Those fuckers should have given me my money back and given me their crappy shelves for free LOL  Who makes the person paying take them apart?  Sigh.  Now my face is all swollen and I have a black eye.  And it hurts.  A lot.  

Well, that's how you know it's Thanksgiving time.  Never a dull moment around here.  Sigh.  LOL  

My mom has this cat who used to attack my dog.  Like, this crazy ass cat would charge my dog and chase him in the yard and hurt him and cut him open.  And then, one day, my dog started fighting back.  And now my mom's cat has been attacked by something outside of our house (like a year ago) and he hasn't left my mother's room since.  This experience changed that cat and now he's a sweetheart who doesn't go after anyone anymore (he used to bully the other cats, too).  But my dog?  Still hates him to the point of wanting to hurt him every time he sees him.  That makes it dangerous for the cat to leave my mother's room when the dog is roaming the house.

It's been over a year now and the cat is getting restless and wants to leave my mother's room.  And he does, in the middle of the night and early mornings, when our dog is sleeping, which is okay.  But now he's been wanting to go out of her room during the daytime, too.  And today?  I heard the cat by our door, crying to go back in her room and she was ignoring him.  So, I went out there, freaked out because he was out of her room in the middle of the day, and opened her door to let him in.  I thought maybe she was outside smoking and forgot he was out of her room.  Which still isn't okay, but it's worse that he was crying and she was hearing him and ignoring him, knowing damn well he's in danger if my dog were to leave my room.

"Ma, what the hell?  Why is he out here?  You know he's not allowed out here."

"I know."

"So, WHY ON EARTH DID YOU LET HIM OUT?  The dog will hurt him!"

"You hear that, cat?  You're not allowed out there," she says in a silly sing song voice as she pets him, making a joke out of the whole thing.  

"MOM!!!  You KNOW he's not allowed out there!  Do you even care about his well-being???"  

"Oh he will be fine.  He has been before."  She says nonchalantly, while ignoring me and playing her video game.

She's basically smirking the entire time, as though it's a game and she has zero respect for me.  

It's not like I am making arbitrary rules here, the rule is in place to keep her cat safe from my dog (even though it's the cat's fault--we have 7 other cats that my dog loves).  

Now I am making her dinner, and she comes out (for what reason, I do not know, since she's only down to four cigarettes, I don't get how she still has any left) and starts babbling to one of my cats, like she always does, just to annoy me.  I said "Please be quiet, you are being noisy.  And the cat is deaf, yet I am not."  She said "Well, I am deaf and dumb".  And I almost said "Yeah, I know".  But I didn't.  She does this daily to me, and rather than apologize to me for her shitty little meltdown the other day, she has to annoy me, because it's fun for her.

The issue here is if she's not going to take this seriously, the cat is finding a new home.  He's a goooood cat (now) and I need to keep him safe from her stupidity.  She always puts her possessions (whether they be animals or people) in danger.  Always.  She gets to a point where she stops caring and just does whatever she likes.  And supposedly this is her favorite cat...well, if she cares that much about her favorite cat, she will be down one less cat.  If that happens, I will find him a new home and I won't even tell my kids.  That way nobody can tell her anything or feel like they are having to lie to her, I will just say he must have gotten outside.  That way they won't have to lie to her.  If I told her the truth, I honestly fear what she would do to my pets.  She has ZERO conscience, esp. when she thinks she's been wronged (and if I take her cat away from her, she will feel VERY wronged).  Once, she tried to put her best friend in prison because her BFF forgot she was going out to dinner with her (the friend ended up going out with someone else that night). So, my mom called the police and reported her for selling drugs.  I mean...that was her best friend who she liked more than me.  I can't imagine what would happen to me, or my family, if I had to find her cat a new home.  When she was angry at me before, she called and turned off my LINK card (foodstamps) so I couldn't have access to my benefits.  So yeah, I fear her retaliation.  I do have my cleaner cabinet locked up, but she has access to medicines and other things.  

Yes, I sound paranoid, but I have every right to be.  As she's an unpredictable crazy person who is capable of most anything.  And she could hurt my cats or my dogs (or us!).  So let's hope she just keeps the cat in her room until I can get a catio for them to use out her window (which is coming this spring).  

Sigh. 

 I came across this video that EXACTLY explains what I am going through.  

This is EXACTLY what my problem with therapy is.  And I don't know how to fix it.  Well, I sort of do.  I personally feel that you get better quality care and work from a life coach than a therapist (depending on the life coach).  So, I may head in that direction next.  

She blames it on quitting smoking.  But I have a completely different theory.  And if you've been here for a few years, you'd know exactly what's up.  

Thanksgiving is coming, and Ol' Smokey can't pass up an opportunity to go crazy.  

She missed last year, so this seems like a build up, since she's extra cranky.  Two years ago at Thanksgiving time she slammed a door into my back and went insane (I should have called the cops, I don't know why I didn't).  And now she's going bashit because I haven't turned on her access to her MyChart (they require you to get a code to your email every few months, which is SOOOOOOOOO annoying).  Every time she asks me to do it, I am in the middle of either cooking or doing something else.  And she's not been asking me, she's been demanding me to do it.  

She comes into the room the other, after asking me a few times beforehand and says "Okay, I set it all up and it's ready, go sign me in."  

I was in the middle of stirring a pot of food.  "Ma, I am cooking dinner."  

"Yeah, so?  You can pause that and come back."  

I laughed and ignored her.  I don't do well with silly demands (and all of her demands in my entire life have been silly AF).  And on Saturday, she demanded I do it SIX times.  SIX.  

I was in the car and she called me on the on the phone to come do it.  And she was pissed.  "Are you coming in here to set up this or not???!!"  

"I am not at home."  

"Well, are you going to get me bread then?"  

"Are you out of bread?"  

"Well, yes!"  

"How would I know that?"  

"I don't know, I thought you took the bread and put it somewhere I can't find it."  

"I don't eat your bread, ma, why would I do that?"  

"Just get me bread."  

That's what I've been dealing with.  I would blame the dementia, but this is how she is.  Come holiday time and she turns into a raging bitch and she's mean to me.  

So I go home and she corners me, yet again and boy was she in a ripe mood.  

"Why haven't you done this yet??!!"  

"Ma, every time you ask me, I am in the middle of doing something else.  Why is this so important?  It's not like you have an appointment coming up or like the information is going anywhere.  It will be exactly the same when you get on as it would be today.  It doesn't matter."  

"I've asked you lots of times!!"  

"I know you have, and I've been busy".  

"*scoffs*  Well, I will just call and have it done myself tomorrow".

"You know you can't do that.  And even if you did do it, you will still have to ask me to do it for you when this happens, because you'll have no idea how to do it yourself."

"I'VE DONE IT BEFORE BY  MYSELF!!!" 

"Yes, and you also used to be able to watch TV by yourself, too, but you don't remember how to do that anymore, do you now?  Do not threaten me.  Just be patient and stop asking me a billion times to do something for you."    

"Well, you need to do it!!"  

"Geezus, just stop.  I will get it done as soon as I can."  

Up until now, I am annoyed, not angry.  But then she hits me with this fucking bullshit that I will say next, and that's how I know she's being a narcissist, not a dementia patient, because this is her thing she does to you to discredit you in an argument.  

"God, why are you so crabby?"  

Sigh.  That statement right there, I just wanted to scream.  I had forgotten how much she used to say that to you when you'd argue with her.  Then she'd lower her voice to make you supposedly look like the person's who's emotions are out of control, even though she was always the one who both hyped you up to be angry in the first place, but at the same time would be just screaming at you herself.  So I responded:

"*laughs*  I am not crabby at at all, you are annoying me because you keep asking me for something silly, even though it doesn't matter.  It's not any different from the last time you looked at it.  YOU are the crabby one.  YOU are the one who's been crabbing at me for over a week over various things.  So what's YOUR problem?"  

"I can't smoke!  That's what!!  I need my cigarettes!!"  

She's still smoking.  I only cut her down by one, from five to four, several days ago.  And she'd been at five for almost a month.  It's not like she was smoking an entire pack and I cut her down to four, which is how bad she was acting.  

"Well, you have emphysema.  So unless you want to be on oxygen, you need to quit.  I already told you this.  And you knew you'd be quitting."  Plus, she has to quit because eventually she'll be in a home and they don't allow smoking.  

"I am fine."  

"How are you fine?  You have decreased oxygen to your lungs.  How is that fine?"  

"Shay!! I've been smoking for forty years, I've been fine!"  

"No, actually, you're not, you got emphysema from it.  That's not fine."  

"The doctor said it's no big deal, he's not even worried about it!"  

"No, he didn't.  He said you need to quit smoking."  

"NO HE DID NOT!!"  

My husband then walks out of the bathroom and says "Smokey, I was there.  That is not what he said at all.  He said you need to quit smoking now so your emphysema doesn't get worse."  

"Whatever.  I just want my cigarettes!!!"  

Sigh.  At this point, it's just silly.  Granted, it's all been silly.  But now it's just going to be a rotation of her bitching that she has to quit smoking and me telling her why she has to.  And it won't quit until I walk away.  But then she decided to walk away.  

"Well, it's a good thing you're quitting, then you'll live longer that way."

"Well, I wont live too much longer like this if I have to feel this way!!" she yells from her bedroom.  

I hate when she threatens to die or say some kind of bullshit to try to make me feel bad.  It never works and I find it funny.  So I retorted back: 

"Don't make me any promises!"  

Then she says some sort of garbled response that I could not hear.

"You know I can't hear you, ma!  I have no idea what you're saying." 

My husband filled me in later.  She said "If I died tomorrow, you'd all dance on my grave."  

Geezus.  All over cigarettes.  Really?  Really? Of course, really.  She's a narcissist.  And she's not getting what she wants so she acts like a four-year-old drama queen.  

So, my husband came to me and said "You know why she's so adamant about this, right?"  

I replied "Yeah, this is weird, even for her, I don't get why she needs to get on that MyChart so badly, it's strange.  It's like she has something up her sleeve."  

He grinned.  "Exactly.  She wants to see the notes from the pulmonologist so if he said anything like what she just said in there, the idea that it's 'no big deal', then she can use that information to supposedly keep smoking."  

I was floored.  Duh.  Of course that's what she was doing.  She never asks me for anything unless she has a motive.  So, today is Monday, I am going to call the doctor's office and see what they say, so I can use that against her silly argument before I turn on her MyChart access again, which I will do during her dinner today (as that's the only time that she's out of her room long enough so she doesn't bother me while I set it up).  But reality, I don't even need to call, I just to repeat what the doctor actually said:

"Right now, you are okay, but if you don't quit now, it will get worse.  So, if you quit now, it won't get worse."  She's trying to manipulate that into "You are okay right now" and that's it.  Yeah, it's not so bad now, but it's going to GET WORSE, but she doesn't care about that.  All she cares about RIGHT NOW.  Which is why she's not allowed to spend money.  Because when we moved in here four years ago, she'd spend ALL her money and give me nothing for repairs and sometimes not even for the mortgage.  She never thought about her bills.  Or savings.  The ONLY reason they had savings?  Was because my dad was in charge of that.  Not Mrs. Moneyfingers over here.  Spending all their cash on everything they wanted and needed in the moment.  Never once thinking about the future or even the next day.  One time she opened a savings account for my son when he was a baby.  And she spent it all within a few months.  She has a shopping addiction, but not only that, she has NO idea what it's like to live without.  

After my dad died, she lived for TEN years without saving a penny.  She couldn't spend it fast enough.  She put at least a hundred thousand in investments and lost it all.  She never fixed anything at the house, even though it would have been cheap to fix.  She just shopped.  And she went on a cruise.  And she shopped.  And shopped.  And shopped.  Every single day for ten years straight.  She lost all the money (which had to be around a million) and didn't give me a penny, even though I had two kids and was struggling and poor as fuck.  She shopped so much, she still got pink bills in the mail because wasn't paying them and never once had car insurance on the car.  She just lived in the moment.  When all of that was gone, she collected social security on my dad and started a job.  The first job she's had since I was a little kid.  She lost all her jobs due to not being able to get along with her managers.  And so she remarried and he died, and she got all of his money, which was more than my dad's.  She even STOLE money from his children, who were literal children (same ages as my kids), just so she could live her "lavish" lifestyle (which meant just buying random shit whenever she wanted).  The VA caught her and punished, but of course I had to be the one to take care of it (I was sooooooooooo hoping they'd put her in jail, but alas, they did not) and this past year she finally had to stop paying them back, after paying back around $50,000 she stole.  Oh yeah, she also stole $34,000 from me, too (she used that money to get out of debt, which is weird, I don't get why she didn't just keep it and use that to buy whatever she liked, too).  She conned me into signing documents that I didn't know I was signing myself out of $34,000 until it was too late (and I was so codependent with her at the time, I just promptly made myself forget about it).  

So to make a long story short, she's an insane person who only cares about the given moment, and so why did I expect her to go quietly into the night?  Nope, dis bitch is raging.  Apparently she's read Dylan Thomas has lived her life by his poetry.  She certainly does think of herself as a rebel, as a fighter, as a badass.  This is her ultimate modus operandi.  Ol' Smokey, always a badass.  

I will read that poem at her funeral, Dylan Thomas's "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night".  At my father's I read Christina Rossetti's poem "Remember", which was extremely traumatic for me.  But this poem seems to fit her much better.  Because until the day she dies, she will be raging against anything that she can't choose for herself.  Makes me wonder if she has autistic PDA.  But since she has NPD, maybe it warps it to be just resisting authority?  Or maybe she's just a selfish asshole.  Whatever it is, my mother will rage against it.  And 99% of the time she directs that rage on me.  Always has.  Always will.  

Why did I ever think this would go differently? 

(SIDENOTE: For those of you who think I should just let her smoke, know that her smoking is an issue at our house, as she will smoke by open windows and come in and REEK like a half-smoked smashed up cigarette and then go wander around, stinking up the house...also, she needs to quit so she can go into a home and not give them hell about it.  I have my reasons for wanting her to quit, many reasons.  One being her health, though I know she's in charge of her own health, so that's just one minor reason.  I have hundreds more.)  

I really have no idea what's going on anymore.  All these therapists who are under-trained and totally useless.  This current one?  Just stares at me until I speak.  WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT???!! LOL  She's a nice enough person, but she literally does NOTHING.  I mean it.  Absolutely nothing.  I CAN DO THAT FOR FREE!!  hahahah If I wanted to talk to a plant?  I would get a fucking plant.  And it would cost one price, one time, and that's it.  For real, I am going to get myself a plant and call it my therapist.  And start posting pics of me having a session with it and saying "Some new insights with my new therapist" as the caption.  Because that's about as useful as a real therapist these days.  Perhaps even more so, actually, as this one gave me HORRIBLE RSD issues the first day we met.  I cried over it and I don't cry.  

So yeah, I am done.  No more.  Therapy today is CRAP and OVERPRICED AS FUCK!  When they literally do NOTHING at all.  It's a scam, ladies and gents.  That is, until you find that diamond in the rough.  That amazing one who actually helps you.  Everyone else is just stupid rock.  

So, my therapist's name will be Dr. Green.  And he will be amazing.  The end.  

Actually, going to start with a life coach instead, when I can afford it.  They are actually more helpful LOL