I came across this video that EXACTLY explains what I am going through.  

This is EXACTLY what my problem with therapy is.  And I don't know how to fix it.  Well, I sort of do.  I personally feel that you get better quality care and work from a life coach than a therapist (depending on the life coach).  So, I may head in that direction next.  

She blames it on quitting smoking.  But I have a completely different theory.  And if you've been here for a few years, you'd know exactly what's up.  

Thanksgiving is coming, and Ol' Smokey can't pass up an opportunity to go crazy.  

She missed last year, so this seems like a build up, since she's extra cranky.  Two years ago at Thanksgiving time she slammed a door into my back and went insane (I should have called the cops, I don't know why I didn't).  And now she's going bashit because I haven't turned on her access to her MyChart (they require you to get a code to your email every few months, which is SOOOOOOOOO annoying).  Every time she asks me to do it, I am in the middle of either cooking or doing something else.  And she's not been asking me, she's been demanding me to do it.  

She comes into the room the other, after asking me a few times beforehand and says "Okay, I set it all up and it's ready, go sign me in."  

I was in the middle of stirring a pot of food.  "Ma, I am cooking dinner."  

"Yeah, so?  You can pause that and come back."  

I laughed and ignored her.  I don't do well with silly demands (and all of her demands in my entire life have been silly AF).  And on Saturday, she demanded I do it SIX times.  SIX.  

I was in the car and she called me on the on the phone to come do it.  And she was pissed.  "Are you coming in here to set up this or not???!!"  

"I am not at home."  

"Well, are you going to get me bread then?"  

"Are you out of bread?"  

"Well, yes!"  

"How would I know that?"  

"I don't know, I thought you took the bread and put it somewhere I can't find it."  

"I don't eat your bread, ma, why would I do that?"  

"Just get me bread."  

That's what I've been dealing with.  I would blame the dementia, but this is how she is.  Come holiday time and she turns into a raging bitch and she's mean to me.  

So I go home and she corners me, yet again and boy was she in a ripe mood.  

"Why haven't you done this yet??!!"  

"Ma, every time you ask me, I am in the middle of doing something else.  Why is this so important?  It's not like you have an appointment coming up or like the information is going anywhere.  It will be exactly the same when you get on as it would be today.  It doesn't matter."  

"I've asked you lots of times!!"  

"I know you have, and I've been busy".  

"*scoffs*  Well, I will just call and have it done myself tomorrow".

"You know you can't do that.  And even if you did do it, you will still have to ask me to do it for you when this happens, because you'll have no idea how to do it yourself."

"I'VE DONE IT BEFORE BY  MYSELF!!!" 

"Yes, and you also used to be able to watch TV by yourself, too, but you don't remember how to do that anymore, do you now?  Do not threaten me.  Just be patient and stop asking me a billion times to do something for you."    

"Well, you need to do it!!"  

"Geezus, just stop.  I will get it done as soon as I can."  

Up until now, I am annoyed, not angry.  But then she hits me with this fucking bullshit that I will say next, and that's how I know she's being a narcissist, not a dementia patient, because this is her thing she does to you to discredit you in an argument.  

"God, why are you so crabby?"  

Sigh.  That statement right there, I just wanted to scream.  I had forgotten how much she used to say that to you when you'd argue with her.  Then she'd lower her voice to make you supposedly look like the person's who's emotions are out of control, even though she was always the one who both hyped you up to be angry in the first place, but at the same time would be just screaming at you herself.  So I responded:

"*laughs*  I am not crabby at at all, you are annoying me because you keep asking me for something silly, even though it doesn't matter.  It's not any different from the last time you looked at it.  YOU are the crabby one.  YOU are the one who's been crabbing at me for over a week over various things.  So what's YOUR problem?"  

"I can't smoke!  That's what!!  I need my cigarettes!!"  

She's still smoking.  I only cut her down by one, from five to four, several days ago.  And she'd been at five for almost a month.  It's not like she was smoking an entire pack and I cut her down to four, which is how bad she was acting.  

"Well, you have emphysema.  So unless you want to be on oxygen, you need to quit.  I already told you this.  And you knew you'd be quitting."  Plus, she has to quit because eventually she'll be in a home and they don't allow smoking.  

"I am fine."  

"How are you fine?  You have decreased oxygen to your lungs.  How is that fine?"  

"Shay!! I've been smoking for forty years, I've been fine!"  

"No, actually, you're not, you got emphysema from it.  That's not fine."  

"The doctor said it's no big deal, he's not even worried about it!"  

"No, he didn't.  He said you need to quit smoking."  

"NO HE DID NOT!!"  

My husband then walks out of the bathroom and says "Smokey, I was there.  That is not what he said at all.  He said you need to quit smoking now so your emphysema doesn't get worse."  

"Whatever.  I just want my cigarettes!!!"  

Sigh.  At this point, it's just silly.  Granted, it's all been silly.  But now it's just going to be a rotation of her bitching that she has to quit smoking and me telling her why she has to.  And it won't quit until I walk away.  But then she decided to walk away.  

"Well, it's a good thing you're quitting, then you'll live longer that way."

"Well, I wont live too much longer like this if I have to feel this way!!" she yells from her bedroom.  

I hate when she threatens to die or say some kind of bullshit to try to make me feel bad.  It never works and I find it funny.  So I retorted back: 

"Don't make me any promises!"  

Then she says some sort of garbled response that I could not hear.

"You know I can't hear you, ma!  I have no idea what you're saying." 

My husband filled me in later.  She said "If I died tomorrow, you'd all dance on my grave."  

Geezus.  All over cigarettes.  Really?  Really? Of course, really.  She's a narcissist.  And she's not getting what she wants so she acts like a four-year-old drama queen.  

So, my husband came to me and said "You know why she's so adamant about this, right?"  

I replied "Yeah, this is weird, even for her, I don't get why she needs to get on that MyChart so badly, it's strange.  It's like she has something up her sleeve."  

He grinned.  "Exactly.  She wants to see the notes from the pulmonologist so if he said anything like what she just said in there, the idea that it's 'no big deal', then she can use that information to supposedly keep smoking."  

I was floored.  Duh.  Of course that's what she was doing.  She never asks me for anything unless she has a motive.  So, today is Monday, I am going to call the doctor's office and see what they say, so I can use that against her silly argument before I turn on her MyChart access again, which I will do during her dinner today (as that's the only time that she's out of her room long enough so she doesn't bother me while I set it up).  But reality, I don't even need to call, I just to repeat what the doctor actually said:

"Right now, you are okay, but if you don't quit now, it will get worse.  So, if you quit now, it won't get worse."  She's trying to manipulate that into "You are okay right now" and that's it.  Yeah, it's not so bad now, but it's going to GET WORSE, but she doesn't care about that.  All she cares about RIGHT NOW.  Which is why she's not allowed to spend money.  Because when we moved in here four years ago, she'd spend ALL her money and give me nothing for repairs and sometimes not even for the mortgage.  She never thought about her bills.  Or savings.  The ONLY reason they had savings?  Was because my dad was in charge of that.  Not Mrs. Moneyfingers over here.  Spending all their cash on everything they wanted and needed in the moment.  Never once thinking about the future or even the next day.  One time she opened a savings account for my son when he was a baby.  And she spent it all within a few months.  She has a shopping addiction, but not only that, she has NO idea what it's like to live without.  

After my dad died, she lived for TEN years without saving a penny.  She couldn't spend it fast enough.  She put at least a hundred thousand in investments and lost it all.  She never fixed anything at the house, even though it would have been cheap to fix.  She just shopped.  And she went on a cruise.  And she shopped.  And shopped.  And shopped.  Every single day for ten years straight.  She lost all the money (which had to be around a million) and didn't give me a penny, even though I had two kids and was struggling and poor as fuck.  She shopped so much, she still got pink bills in the mail because wasn't paying them and never once had car insurance on the car.  She just lived in the moment.  When all of that was gone, she collected social security on my dad and started a job.  The first job she's had since I was a little kid.  She lost all her jobs due to not being able to get along with her managers.  And so she remarried and he died, and she got all of his money, which was more than my dad's.  She even STOLE money from his children, who were literal children (same ages as my kids), just so she could live her "lavish" lifestyle (which meant just buying random shit whenever she wanted).  The VA caught her and punished, but of course I had to be the one to take care of it (I was sooooooooooo hoping they'd put her in jail, but alas, they did not) and this past year she finally had to stop paying them back, after paying back around $50,000 she stole.  Oh yeah, she also stole $34,000 from me, too (she used that money to get out of debt, which is weird, I don't get why she didn't just keep it and use that to buy whatever she liked, too).  She conned me into signing documents that I didn't know I was signing myself out of $34,000 until it was too late (and I was so codependent with her at the time, I just promptly made myself forget about it).  

So to make a long story short, she's an insane person who only cares about the given moment, and so why did I expect her to go quietly into the night?  Nope, dis bitch is raging.  Apparently she's read Dylan Thomas has lived her life by his poetry.  She certainly does think of herself as a rebel, as a fighter, as a badass.  This is her ultimate modus operandi.  Ol' Smokey, always a badass.  

I will read that poem at her funeral, Dylan Thomas's "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night".  At my father's I read Christina Rossetti's poem "Remember", which was extremely traumatic for me.  But this poem seems to fit her much better.  Because until the day she dies, she will be raging against anything that she can't choose for herself.  Makes me wonder if she has autistic PDA.  But since she has NPD, maybe it warps it to be just resisting authority?  Or maybe she's just a selfish asshole.  Whatever it is, my mother will rage against it.  And 99% of the time she directs that rage on me.  Always has.  Always will.  

Why did I ever think this would go differently? 

(SIDENOTE: For those of you who think I should just let her smoke, know that her smoking is an issue at our house, as she will smoke by open windows and come in and REEK like a half-smoked smashed up cigarette and then go wander around, stinking up the house...also, she needs to quit so she can go into a home and not give them hell about it.  I have my reasons for wanting her to quit, many reasons.  One being her health, though I know she's in charge of her own health, so that's just one minor reason.  I have hundreds more.)  

I really have no idea what's going on anymore.  All these therapists who are under-trained and totally useless.  This current one?  Just stares at me until I speak.  WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT???!! LOL  She's a nice enough person, but she literally does NOTHING.  I mean it.  Absolutely nothing.  I CAN DO THAT FOR FREE!!  hahahah If I wanted to talk to a plant?  I would get a fucking plant.  And it would cost one price, one time, and that's it.  For real, I am going to get myself a plant and call it my therapist.  And start posting pics of me having a session with it and saying "Some new insights with my new therapist" as the caption.  Because that's about as useful as a real therapist these days.  Perhaps even more so, actually, as this one gave me HORRIBLE RSD issues the first day we met.  I cried over it and I don't cry.  

So yeah, I am done.  No more.  Therapy today is CRAP and OVERPRICED AS FUCK!  When they literally do NOTHING at all.  It's a scam, ladies and gents.  That is, until you find that diamond in the rough.  That amazing one who actually helps you.  Everyone else is just stupid rock.  

So, my therapist's name will be Dr. Green.  And he will be amazing.  The end.  

Actually, going to start with a life coach instead, when I can afford it.  They are actually more helpful LOL 

So most days she's not chatty.  Hell, some days she's silent.  But sometimes she gets a hair up her ass and decides to run her mouth and annoy me.  

No, I am not referring to her just talking to me normally, I am referring to her actually running her mouth.  Like, nonstop.  And that's the type of mood she's been in lately.  We take her to go her blood taken (to recheck for anemia, and I am glad it came back normal) and I was also getting my blood taken and I was trying to talk to my husband about something and she she kept interjecting her thoughts on what I was saying.  Even though she had no idea what I was talking about.  Then she did it all the way home and when we got home she kept bothering me nonstop and yesterday (the day after) she kept bothering me, too.  Telling me about things that really were not anything anyone would care about.  I was washing dishes and she gets out her brand new jeans I just bought her and said "Can you touch this?"  I reply "No, I am washing dishes.  Why, what's wrong with them?"  She replies "Are they the same jeans you always buy?"  "Yes."  "Oh, because these are thinner."  Sigh.  Glad to see 'ol mom is back, the complainer.  I said "What does it matter?"  She says "Oh it doesn't!  I was just thinking you may have been spending extra money on them when they aren't as good at the other jeans!"  I rolled my eyes.  "Do they cover your legs?  Yes?  Then that's all that matters.  Thank you, but I need to get back to washing dishes now."  

Sigh. 

This is her MO.  This is what she does.  She get's one iota of herself back and she's back right to being a jerk about the things I do for her.  She has to bitch about everything.

The other day I took her to get her haircut and she leaves the salon and says "Okay, where else will you take me now?" I said "I have a shit ton of things to do, so we need to go home.  I have appointments and errands to run."  She stomps her feet and puts on a pouty face and says "Boy, I never get to do nothing!"  I said "YOU ARE WELCOME.  I just took you to get your haircut, and that's not good enough for you.  Okay then."  She still complains about anything to do for her.  So, when I do nothing, it's the only time I get the bliss of her being a good person to me.  When I give her things, she complains.  So, why do I even try?  

Living with an aging narcissist is like living with a perpetual four-year-old brat.  Not just a regular four-year-old, but a bratty one.  A complainer about everything.  A whiney little baby.  Granted, her whining is way less often, but it's still there.  Reminding me of years of torment.  

But I take in stride now.  I don't obsess about it.  I just laugh that she's still in there, bitching and complaining on the inside.  

I will say that from now I on I need to say "We are getting your haircut today and that's it.  Please don't ask to go elsewhere."  Or "I am taking you to go buy books, but we are ONLY buying books today.  Please don't fill up your cart with $100 worth of crap.  Today it's just about books.  And if you need new shirts."  Or whatever.  I need to be upfront and warn her first and maybe that will help.  She will complain beforehand and I can say "Well, if you're going to complain, we don't need to go.  Be grateful you get to go pick out your own books, etc.".  She will change her tune real quick.  Or I can say "We are going to the store to buy books today, and only books.  And if you complain about that, we won't go at all."  I won't even give her the chance to complain then.  I like that idea.  

She's been bugging my kids, too, with her mouth diarrhea (um, putting it that way sounds so much worse LMAO).  I am hoping she settles down again soon.  Mental illness is like this.  I am not sure if this is her version of manic (as she's always had these episodes) or what, but it's always something we, as a family, need to get through.  It's not fun, and sometimes she will do crazy things during these episodes.  She used to go on shopping sprees during these times, too, but thankfully, she has no access to money anymore (something she recently "demanded" again, when my husband talked to her doctor about her quitting smoking).  I buy her everything she needs and I take her to specific stores where she can do less damage (like resale shops).  Otherwise she'll try to buy $100 worth of candy. 

Well, I hope today she's better.  But if not, we'll just bear through it and put up with her silliness, as usual.  

(I asked for a line art picture not a sexy weirdo only wearing a sweater LOL)

Well, where to start....where to start?  

Hmmm, okay, new therapist.  I've seen her twice.  The first session I felt HORRIBLE afterwards.  But the second wasn't so bad.  But she literally sat there and stared at me for almost 60 seconds straight without saying a word to me when we first started our session.  It was....odd.  I like talky talky people, but ones who are there for the therapy and not to only talk about themselves.  

Then....then then then, we have the art therapy class.  Something I was UBER excited to go to.  And wow, was that a disappointment.  If I could upload my shitty art, I would.  But I am thoroughly embarrassed by it.  Not just because of my art (which was really bad) but the way it makes me feel when I look at it.  

First, the "art therapist" said "I prefer if you are a bad artist, it makes it better."  But THEN proceeds to go along and pick the best artists to brag on their pictures and say how great they are.  And the rest of us, she said nothing.  

Then, she said "You don't have to show your art or talk if you don't want to."  But then proceeds to make us all talk and tell everyone our pronouns (which made me angry, I think we should only have to share pronouns if they are different from the norm), and then proceeds to go around and hold up all our art without asking if we're okay with it.  I felt sooooooooooooooo fucking stupid, as my art was HORRIBLE (for so many reasons). 

Okay, so tell me how is this art therapy: draw a scribble on the page with your non-dominant hand (which looked no different than a scribble with my dominant hand) and then pass it to your left, and then take the other person's scribble and make something out of it.  And when we were done, we just left.  That's it.  Um, how is that art therapy?  Also, she said "I am trying to figure out what I'll have you do next week".  So....let me get this straight, there's no set curriculum?  What?  How is this art "therapy"???  It felt like an art class for small children with busywork art.  I have led more meaningful art therapy classes with various groups myself, and I don't have a degree.  Wtf?  

Sigh.  I am not going back.  What a waste of time.  Plus, my anxiety was so out of control after the class, too, and lasted until late into the night (like dissociative anxiety).  Like so much worse than before I left to go there.  I HATE HATE HATE showing my art to anyone, ever, and being forced to was NOT fun.  I am going to relay all of this to my therapist at our next appointment.   I hope she listens to me (though I don't have high hopes for that, as so many of them don't, but we'll see).  

What else?  I knew I had other things to record here, but I can't remember off the top of my head what they were.  

Oh yeah, Halloween was super dumb.  WINDY AS FUCK.  And it ruined it.  PLUS we ran out of candy, so we had to turn away children.  That was horrid.  I knew from the get-go it was going to suck, but I tried really hard to make it work, and then mother nature came and fucked it all up.  Well, at least there wasn't a tornado, so that's nice.  Though, I will say, it was still slightly cool.  We still did the projector and it was cool.  Well, my mother tried to steal candy and I told her no, nobody gets any candy until the kids are done trick-or-treating and she was upset.  She honestly thought that I should put HER wants above the neighborhood kids because she deserved candy more than they did.  Sigh.  I had to lay the law down as I said no, but she took some anyways (we do full-sized candy bars and she took TWO!) and so I had to tell her to put them back.  I said if we had leftovers we'll all get some (minus me, I can't eat it).  But we didn't have leftovers and she kept bitching about it.  So I kept saying "Well, all the kids we had to turn away didn't get any either, so...." and she would reply "But I didn't get ANY, and they got candy from other houses!"  I wanted to say, what are you five???  Stop acting like a kid.  

Anyways.  We got our garage cleaned out so my son can weld, hopefully without setting anything on fire.  Once he can do that, he can finish working on the car.  The weather is nicer now and he won't be baking in the garage in his welding helmet anymore.  I am excited to get this done.  Once that's done, we can have our garage sale AND switch bedrooms.  I am excited for both. 

Speaking of switching rooms, I am still anxious about having people walk through my room to get outside (my mother or having her BFF come over), but I will deal with it.  It will be better than what we have going on now.  

Oh yes, also, my in-laws (both narcissists) are causing HUGE issues with my husband.  They called him for a ride to the ER (even though we're no contact with them and told them not to call us for help) because his dad could not pee and was bleeding from his surgery.  My husband told them to call 911.  So, his mother just held the phone away from her face and said to her husband "We need to call my brother" and proceeded to hang up on my husband.  

What.  In.  The.  Ever.  Loving.  Fucktarded.  Asshole.  Shit.  Is.  That???

So, my husband got PISSED and called them right back, but they refused to answer.  Then, a few days later, his sister called and told him to come do their laundry.  Granted, they are all blocked from calling but they left messages.  And here's the thing: they never call, like for a whole year, unless they want him to do something.  And he says no, and they get angry and berate him or hang up on him (back in the day he would do shit for them, but they would ask for more and more and MORE until he couldn't do it and then they'd get angry with him and use that as an excuse to not talk to him).  So, he blocked them.  But because call blocking from your phone still allows text messages and voicemails to get through, he was thinking about changing his phone number.  He's still thinking about that.  

Well, we went to an author fair and to the local author's group and I have to say, those were the highlight of my October.  They were both fun and filled with great people.  So that's nice.  

And the weather.  OMG the weather has been amazing and the colors have been gorgeous, even with the nasty-ass wind.  

Well, it's NaNoWriMo and it's already the 2nd and I need to start working on my book.  I started it during NaNoWriMo many years ago and this year I would LOVE to finish it during November.  So, I better get working on it.  

Okay, off to go write before I play some Minecraft with my kids and hubby.  

Until next time.  

So, today was her doc appointment, and she 100% has emphysema.  

And now, she said to my husband "Well, if she's going to make me quit smoking, I want $50 a month to compensate for me having to quit, so I can spend it on whatever I like!"  

Sigh.  So.....I'm doubling the money I spend (I spend less than $24 a month on her cigarettes) as a bribe?? LOL  How about staying off of oxygen as a prize?  How about being able to breathe better as a prize?  How about not stinking like nasty cigarettes as a prize?  LOL  It's like, I am not paying you to be healthier.  I am not paying you to stop stinking up my house (she smokes outside, but comes in and wanders around and stinks the up the house like cigarettes).  I am not paying you so I can have my windows open, FINALLY!  Yeah, no.  

But see, she knows I am going to say no.  She knows this.  She just wants to make me look like a jerk.  So, if she asks me, I will just smile and say "Well, we'll see."  and leave it at that.  

She has dementia (in case you didn't know).  Which is why I can't let her buy stuff on her own.  She gets to purchase whatever she likes, as long as it's not crazy, already.  I just have to buy it for her.  Otherwise she buys candy (she's diabetic) or buys some random weird shit online (like strange medication, etc.).  So yeah. it's not happening, but she has to try to fight me on things still. Even though she's given up fighting me on everything else.  

Why are they like this?  I mean, I know why, but why does NPD exist?  LOL  I really wish there was a cure.   

So my mother creates lots of lists.  She loves to make them.  And she leaves them out for me to see, or sometimes she hides them if she doesn't want me to know about them.  Recently she put Walgreens on her list.  If you're new here, then I will tell you, my mother is not allowed to go to Walgreens.  That store is her weakness.  She will beg for candy and buy $100 worth of random-ass items, which we cannot afford right now.  Though she's not allowed to eat candy, period.  She's diabetic and her blood sugar isn't under control very well (I am trying to get the docs to up her Metformin), but even if it was, all that sugary shit is why she's diabetic in the first place.  

Anyways, she thought she was going to be slick.  She thought she'd talk me into taking her there to get her flu and covid shots.  She asked, I said "You always go to the doctor to get your shots.  We never go there."  She replies "I prefer it there."  I said "You've never gotten one there, so how do you know?"  She says "Well, going to the doctor means I have to see the doctor."  And I said "No, you just see the nurse."  She said "But then you have to make an appointment and have to wait, blah blah blah.  At Walgreens, we can just go there."  I said "What's the difference to you?  You don't have to make the appointment.  Both ways you just walk in, get the shots, and leave.  So, what does it matter?"  She replies "I prefer it there."  Sigh.  So I said "You never used to get your flu shot, like at all. I had to force you to, mom.  So you've never once had it there.  I am not sure what's going on here."

She kept rambling some nonsensical stuff and then went to her room and said "Well, whichever you choose, both work!  I just want to get it done before it gets too late!" and shut her door.  

Here's the thing: I had NO idea what her plan was at that moment.  I literally was just thinking about getting shots.  My husband reminded me "Shay, your mom loves to spend tons of money at Walgreens, remember?  She's just trying to con you into going."  Then it all finally made sense.  

Of course she was.  

Duh.  

Because this all made zero sense to me, as she's never gotten shots there before (she's only ever gotten her covid shot from a doctor and I am pretty sure the same can be said about the flu shots I forced her to get).  So I just could not figure out why she was so adamant about going to Walgreens for this.  BUT, I will say, something did ding in my mind to tell me something was off.  Something told me "Do not agree to let her go!"  At the time, I didn't realize why my brain was telling me this, but deep down, I knew something was up.  And sure enough, I bet if I go look at her browser history, I will see her looking at Halloween candy at Walgreens LOL (and I checked, she did! haha!).  

Anyways, she has an appointment for bloodwork, so I am going to see if they can get her in for her vaccines, too, at the same time.  

Goes to show, even though your parent has been docile for a long time due to their failing memory and health, a narcissist will always take any opportunity to manipulate things to get their way.  Even though I prefer this stage of her life so far ;)  For now.