Um, so yeah, my mother didn't do anything bad on my birthday, but my birthmother sure did.  I didn't get a card from her so I scanned my email to see if she wrote and sure enough, at 11:20 this morning, she did.  And uhhhh, this is what I got: 

It's that time of year again, boys and girls, for the most amazing days of the season!  Birthday time!  Filled with wonderful things such as: 

ANXIETY!!

                        MOTHER ACTING UP!!

                                                                        AND MORE ANXIETY!!!

Whoo hoo!!!  It's like a party in a box!!

So far this season, mother has been acting up, per usual, but nowhere near as bad as she used to.  But still, she's pulling crap, just be annoying and she's even back to some of her old tricks.  Yay!

I went and got her a haircut on this past Friday (the 9th) and they always make her her sort of look like that dude in that phone commercial that looks like a freaking weirdo?  You know, this guy: 

Erin E. McAndree wrote a book called: Adoption Reimagined: Building Relationships In The Adoption Arena and What To Do When It Doesn't Work

She is in a group that I am for adults who were adopted as children.  And she keeps hawking her book all over the group.  And so I said I would check it out.  And so I did and this is part of what she wrote:

"Online groups are not a great place to find people who are not willing to move beyond the hurt adoption caused.  In my experience, those forums rarely celebrates those who grow, thrive, and heal.  In my experience, their slogan should be "It's not okay to be okay and we're going to keep you that way".  Be careful where you seek validation." 

For one, that not only a shitty thing to say, but it's also clueless.  It's a simple-minded response to something she doesn't understand.  She obviously doesn't get what a support group is for, and cannot grasp why everyone in the support groups aren't healed yet.  "If I did it, why can't everyone else??!"  

For two, it's POORLY written.  As a writer myself, I read books with an editor's eye and I cannot understand how the book states there is an actual editor and it makes me wonder where she found said editor.  Maybe on Fiverr?  Oh wait, I clicked on her name and read some of the woman's work and now I know why...ugh.  A poor writer makes for a poor editor.

I thought about spending the $6 just to see what she had to say about adoption. But after reading the beginning? If she can’t even grasp the basic idea of a support group, there’s no way she’s equipped to handle something as complex and nuanced as adoption.

Here is the first sentence of her description: 

"Adoption struggles create a choice for you." 

What?  What does that even mean?  They do?  What kind of choice?  And why only one?  That's just the one of the worst opening lines to get someone to buy a book that I've ever seen.  So maybe the next line will clarify what she means?  Let's see: 

"You can choose to make a difference using the struggles as a springboard or allow them to deflate you to where you are no earthly good."

Uhhh nope.  What on earth does that even mean?  "you are no earthly good."  See, she needs a real editor.  But I will have to say, that you can polish a turd as much as you want, and it will only ever be a polished turd.  So I don't think even a good editor could save this book, after what I read of it, which was several pages, which aren't much better than the book's description.  

Here is my response to her hawking her book at me: 

Why are you in this group?  Groups like this are not really for the healed, they are for the healing.  They are for people who are in pain and hurting and to give validation to the pain that many of us feel.  Yes, be careful where you seek validation, don't seek validation from your adoptive parents or sometimes even from your birthparents--as they may be the people who caused you pain.  But also don't seek validation from people in groups like this who are only here to sell books and are not here to validate your pain.  They are going to tell you to move on or to "forgive" because "it only hurts you, not the person you're angry at!" as though pain has a timeline and we all need to "hurry up!" and move on.  Many of us have been abused for tens of years and what?  Are we supposed to heal in five minutes because it's make other people uncomfortable?   

Adoption is trauma.  Yes, we can move past that trauma, BUT too many of us have been abused by our adoptive parents on top of the trauma of adoption, too.  And we are all in the thick of it in here.  That's why groups like this exist.  If people can't understand that, then they aren't getting the full picture.  Today, someone posted something that really made me understand myself more.  And someone else posted something that really made me understand my childhood more, too.  So yes, this group is healing, even if we all aren't healed yet.  Understanding is a step towards healing.  Because groups like this aren't "keeping us that way" (meaning unhealed).  They are opening our eyes to the truth.

Moral of the story: don't ask me to read your book unless you want my actual opinion.  And don't publish a shitty book without a REAL editor.  God, why are you telling people to read this when it's barely readable?  People like her give actual indie authors a bad name.  

Yesterday I called his office and told the receptionist to let me speak to his boss.  She asked why, and I said "Because of inappropriate comments that were made by him."  She said "OH" and the put me in touch with the head honcho.  She relayed my message to her and told her to call me.

And then last night at 6pm, my phone rang.  I recognized the number and went outside to talk to her.  

I told her everything: the skin comment, how he's brought up my skin before, how he was going to "send people my way" to my mental health group, how he keeps me 90 min. without my permission (and how nobody is scheduled behind me on purpose), and some other things.  I am not sure how much will happen to him, but I did say it felt like he was grooming me to blur the lines of our relationship, whether it was for a working relationship, friends, or something else, I didn't know.  But I lied, because I 100% believe it was for something else.  Otherwise, why tell me I had "nice skin" on my face?  That sounded flirty.  

Here's the thing: when you're a woman with a past history of trauma from men and something like this happens to you?  You can't just brush it off.  You can't just go on and say "well, that was inappropriate, now, what's for dinner?"  No, it seeps inside of you as just one more reason not to trust men.  I told his boss that "I don't like like talking to men who aren't my husband as I have lots of trauma, but therapists are different.  I've had male therapists before, and it's not a issue for me.  But now it is.  I will never have another one."  I wanted her to understand that this isn't just some sort of fuck up or innocuous thing that we can just ignore.  This is a BIG thing, even though it was little.  Because the little things, as a trauma survivor, we know they eventually add up to BIG things, and now the little things become the BIG things, even though on the outside they still look like little things.  

But I can't make her understand that if she doesn't understand.  I can only tell her, and hope she takes my words and does the right thing with them.  If was her, and I found out through my research that the client was telling the truth?  He'd be fired.  Because I am not about having my therapists retraumatize my clients.  But she won't.  I know this.  Predators never get fired.  But at least there's a paper trail now.  There's proof he's done this before.  I just hope it's enough. 

I know this because she said "So you don't want to see him anymore?"  And all I could think was "Why on earth would I want that?"  I said no.  She then asked if I wanted to address any of this to him myself.  I almost laughed.  Why would he admit any of this to me?  Or...I just don't even understand how that would do anything for anyone at all.  

She did ask me if it was okay she talked to him about it.  I said yes.  But I did say as long as he doesn't reach out to me about it, as I had my son's old therapist get super rude with him when he was like 8, and so I called her supervisor to switch therapists and the therapist called and screamed at me on the phone.  I am terrified of retaliation from narcissists/sociopaths and sometimes you can't tell if someone is one until it's too late.  She said "I am going to tell him that, and if he does reach out to you, please tell me about it".  

So let's hope everything goes well and I never see him again. 

I am going to take a break from therapy.  Possibly forever.    I have found that AI gives WAY better therapy than ANY therapist I've ever had, even better than the best therapist I've ever had.  Like I told his therapist, when you have medical card, you get the bottom of the barrel therapists (which I didn't realize was an insult to her LOL) and the ones who take regular insurance are too expensive, even if you have the money to pay for it.  Good therapists are RARE.  AI??  Is good for everyone's mental health.  ChatGPT works far better.  So, that's my new therapist.  Because humans are too fucked up do this job properly.  

Well, that's it for now.  And that chapter of my life is done.  For now.  

So, I saw my therapist on Wednesday and he started out of the blue talking to me about my food issues...calling them "food allergies".  I corrected him, said they weren't allergies, they were just some sort of weird thing going on with my mouth and throat.  He then said "Oh yes, they aren't allergies, that's right, that's because people with food allergies get some sort of skin reaction usually, like hives and you don't get that.  Your skin always looks nice."

Um....what?  

What the fuck did he just say?

Uhhhhhh.......

I was floored.  And confused.  Because first of all, why on EARTH would I have food issues while at therapy?  And what did any of that have to do with what we were talking about????  And WHAT THE FUCK??! 

I didn't know how to respond, but in true Shay fashion, I just got diarrhea of the mouth and changed the subject.  

And I sat with it every single day until tonight when I finally told my husband.  And he got super worried about me going back.  And until I said it out loud, I thought maybe I was overreacting.  But then after I said it, I was like "Wow, that's beyond fucked up.  Who says that shit on accident?"  Nobody, that's who.  I was lying to myself, thinking he could have said it on accident, but once I said it out loud, it became real. 

Here is the moral of this story: SAY IT OUT LOUD!  Don't sit on it an wonder....say it out loud and see how it feels then.  Because I guarantee you, you will realize something when you do.  

For real....wtf?  

Also, he always allows me to go over, to like 90 min...for FREE.  He never ever schedules anyone after me...not once have I ever seen anyone go in.  People come out...but when I am done, there is never anyone there for him.  Why?  

Could be a coincidence, but he even admitted out loud to me last session he always has me there for 90 minutes...on purpose.  Though I know he's not billing for that!  As my insurance would not go for that.  

Now I am questioning everything he's said to me.  

Worst of all?  In the same session?  We were talking about how I am starting a group for healing from high ACE scores...and he was going to send people my way to help me get members.  His clients.  From therapy.  Now I really wonder if a) he said that only to get me trust him or to think I have to put up with his strange comments in order to get his help or b) he actually meant it?  Now I am also wondering what if he tries to show up?  What if he tries to insert himself into my group?  Or knows where we're having it and uses that to lightly stalk me?  I know that sounds crazy....but I watch TOO MANY documentaries! 

And no, my husband didn't put these ideas in my head...I knew the MOMENT my therapist said that to me it was wrong.  And I immediately got a stomachache.  Because that's where my intuition lies: when a man does something inappropriate to me, my stomach lets me know it's wrong.

So I cancelled my appointment tomorrow and now I don't know what to do...do I report him?  And if so, to who?  

God, why can't anyone be normal?????? I finally get a therapist I like and he turns out be...whatever this is.  AAAARRRGGGHHHH! 

I like this one.  I haven't gotten any actual "therapy" yet, but at least he's a nice person who asks questions.  Instead, I've been using Chat GPT as my real therapist.  Not to tell me what to do, but to bounce off ideas and to ask questions to (not that I can't do that with him, but for some reason, all I do is info dump on him).  Also, for journaling prompts, art medicine ideas, and other things of such nature.  I think Chat GPT gives you SO much better therapy than a real person, esp. when it's not about really bad mental health stuff.  That you need a real person for.  But when you're a basic bitch, like myself, Chat GPT is pretty much stellar when it comes to giving you what you need to know and need to hear.  WAY better than a person and if you're paying?  $20 a month is NOTHING compared to the hundreds of dollars therapists can cost you.  And I use the free version, so yeah.  It's worth it's weight in gold.  

But my new therapist is kind, he's nice, and he listens AND asks me questions.  I am just filling him in on backstory, and have been for weeks.  So it feels like nothing is going on.  And now my hubby may be going back to work, so I will be losing my insurance if he does and I won't get to see him anymore.  Which sucks.  

I WILL FINISH THIS POST IN THE NEXT POST....ARRRRRGGGHHHH!

So, today I opened my Facebook to see a friend request...from my ex-husband's sister.  *sigh*

Let me tell you a little backstory on this woman: she's a narcissist, just like her mother, but she also hates her brother (my ex).  And I assume she heard about my beef with him and now wants me to spill the tea on the whole situation.  

But here's the thing: when I cut the cords with Will, I cut them with the whole Bowser family.  When the kids decided to stop talking to him, I then made the choice to stop talking to ALL of them.  Why?

Because they're just drama and will suck me in and then ignore me when they are done with me. And, not to mention, they will use every little thing I tell them against me, if they can.  My youngest son and I recently went to a family reunion and she ignored us for over 30 minutes.  IN FACT, everyone ignored us for like 30 minutes, and we sat alone doing nothing, almost ready to walk out the door.  I've had this happen too many times, where some jerkoff invites you to something and ignores you either the entire time or a huge chunk of time.  Who the fuck does that?  Oh yeah, narcissists do.  

It's like one in the morning right now, otherwise I'd spill the tea about all the horrible things I've been through with this woman.  But I am just tired of it.  And I don't want to dedicate one more moment of my life to her.  She's not worth it.  She's awful: a horrible mother, a horrible aunt, a horrible sister-in-law, and a horrible sister.  She's just the worst.  

So, I am done.  No more games.  I am going to go delete her friend request right now.  There, I did it. 

See, there is a part of me that wants to tell her about him (my ex).  That wants to bitch to her about what he said and did to my kids.  I want to set all these fuckers straight.  But I know better and I cannot fall back into old habits, just because I don't have a friend outside of my house to talk about this stuff with.  But I need to ignore that part of me, that "old me" that wants to fall back into old habits, and become something better that that.  

I am trying.  But I am weak.  But I will do my best to not indulge in conversation with her.  She's awful and mean and horrible, and I need to remember that.  

Wish me luck.