So, today I opened my Facebook to see a friend request...from my ex-husband's sister.  *sigh*

Let me tell you a little backstory on this woman: she's a narcissist, just like her mother, but she also hates her brother (my ex).  And I assume she heard about my beef with him and now wants me to spill the tea on the whole situation.  

But here's the thing: when I cut the cords with Will, I cut them with the whole Bowser family.  When the kids decided to stop talking to him, I then made the choice to stop talking to ALL of them.  Why?

Because they're just drama and will suck me in and then ignore me when they are done with me. And, not to mention, they will use every little thing I tell them against me, if they can.  My youngest son and I recently went to a family reunion and she ignored us for over 30 minutes.  IN FACT, everyone ignored us for like 30 minutes, and we sat alone doing nothing, almost ready to walk out the door.  I've had this happen too many times, where some jerkoff invites you to something and ignores you either the entire time or a huge chunk of time.  Who the fuck does that?  Oh yeah, narcissists do.  

It's like one in the morning right now, otherwise I'd spill the tea about all the horrible things I've been through with this woman.  But I am just tired of it.  And I don't want to dedicate one more moment of my life to her.  She's not worth it.  She's awful: a horrible mother, a horrible aunt, a horrible sister-in-law, and a horrible sister.  She's just the worst.  

So, I am done.  No more games.  I am going to go delete her friend request right now.  There, I did it. 

See, there is a part of me that wants to tell her about him (my ex).  That wants to bitch to her about what he said and did to my kids.  I want to set all these fuckers straight.  But I know better and I cannot fall back into old habits, just because I don't have a friend outside of my house to talk about this stuff with.  But I need to ignore that part of me, that "old me" that wants to fall back into old habits, and become something better that that.  

I am trying.  But I am weak.  But I will do my best to not indulge in conversation with her.  She's awful and mean and horrible, and I need to remember that.  

Wish me luck.  

This is Will the Weenie, my ex-husband, he's supposed to be wearing overalls, but he's not.

I am STILL super bothered by my ex-husband posting that shit online about me.  Especially the part about me being "jealous" which is why I didn't like his girlfriends.  I was floored when I read that, and I still am.  I have never heard him, not once, ever say anything like that before.  So, what, almost 20 years later he's going to make up the fact that I was "jealous"?  Of what?  Certainly not of his girlfriends...I mean...um....that just makes me simultaneously want to barf and roll over in hysterical laughter at the same time.  He made me sick to be married to him while we were still married (he grossed me out), so that never once was an issue.  I mean, one day he asked me "Don't you still love me?"  I said "I don't think I ever did.  I was with you and then we were forced to get married a month after we started dating...love was never ever an option for me.  Then I had to stay because we had a child and I nowhere else to go.  So I tried to make it work.  But I never loved you."  It "broke" his narcissistic little heart (or so he acted when I left him).  So, what on earth could I have been jealous of? 

I assume the only thing that would make sense (and I will say he never makes sense...so this probably isn't even it) was the idea that these women were in my children's lives.  Maybe he thought I was jealous they'd see these women as other mothers?  That isn't too far fetched from reality, but it wasn't because they were just "other women".  It's because they were all trash.  My ex didn't date normal women.  He dated trashy, bossy, controlling (read: narcissistic) other women.  I was the most normal woman he was ever with.  And yes, I was controlling, too.  BUT that's purely because he was trash and a narcissist and didn't do one single thing as a father to my children.  SO, my mentality is "if you can't do the time, you can't do the crime".  Wait, that sounds weird.  I mean if you can't put in the work, you can't reap the benefits.   So, I gave him ZERO benefits.  And for a narcissist?  That was akin to me punching him in the face repeatedly every single day.  

If you won't act like a father, then you get ZERO choices in what happens with your children.  WE are not a we anymore at that point, there is a me and there is this guy who lives in our house and pays our bills.  What?  Is this 1953?  Naw, bitch, it's the late 90's and early 2000's.  You have to actually do the job if you want equal say.  You can't skate by in life and expect to get everything equally.  

"You only wanted me for my money!" he used to scream at me.  *sigh*  No, dumbass, what I wanted was a good father and husband.  What I wanted was someone who wouldn't abuse me or my children.  What I wanted was for my husband to "step up" and become a man, instead of complaining every single time I asked him to help with our children.  What I wanted was an equal partner, not some idiot who treated me like his slave.  I didn't get anything I wanted.  So, neither do you.  That's how this works.  You can't be lazy as fuck AND be an asshole.  You have to pick one.  I would have preferred you to be neither, but like some kind of twisted moron, you chose both.  So, in what universe did you think that you would get equal say in a life that you didn't include yourself in?  You were a silent benefactor.  That's the position you put yourself in, not me.  Except you didn't know your role because you could not stay silent.  You can't be a tyrant benefactor, that's how you get overthrown.  Or at least, ignored.

So, that's how I became controlling.   I didn't tell him what to do with his half of our lives.  I told him what to do with mine.  Which was "stay the fuck out of it!".  He created this division, not me.  He had every god damned chance to be a good father and husband and he instead chose to be a lazy asshole.  He was cruel, mean, and selfish as fuck.  WHY WOULD I GIVE ANYONE WHO ACTS LIKE THAT EVEN A TINY BIT OF CONTROL OVER MY OR MY CHILDREN'S LIVES?  

Nope.  

But it goes so far beyond just being an asshole.  Soooooooo far beyond.  He also sexually abused me and shamed me for doing things once, that he did on a regular basis.  One day, I was really sick and had a migraine and fell asleep on the couch.  ONCE.  And my son, who was a baby, was sleeping on my bed rolled off the bed and shut the door with his body.  Him and his asshole friend KENNY (real name, you dick) came home and found me and started screaming about the baby being stuck in the bedroom pushed up against the door.  He wasn't crying, he was sleeping.  They had a FIT about it and made me feel like total shit.  

Kenny didn't have kids yet, and my ex (I want to use his real name so badly here) wasn't a real parent, so who on earth were they to say shit?  Especially since Will (kinda sorta his real name), my ex, had sleep apnea and refused to get a cpap machine and slept everywhere, all the time, one reason I could not leave my children alone with him. One time, he fell asleep and my youngest son almost went down the stairs in his walker.  

But we gently pushed the door open and the baby went with it and he was fine.  Not that it was okay that happened, but I was fucking sleep deprived and never ever took naps anyways.  So this?  Was always going to be a one-time occurrence.  

But of course, he hammed it up, talking about how "irresponsible" I was (pot? meet kettle!) and what a bad parent I was.  L.  O.  L.  Me.  A bad parent.  *giggle*  I lived for my kids and spent every waking moment of my young adult life taking care of my kids and homeschooling them and living the life of a mom.  That was my identity.  Did I make mistakes?  Absolutely.  And some pretty big ones later in life (as you may have read about that recording).  But the mistakes I did make I have made up for and I have done my best to grow and change and be a safe space for my kids to make mistakes and grow and change, too.  I've also learned to be a better wife and friend to my husband as the years have gone by.  What as Will done?  Oh I know!  He's never admitted to his mistakes and keeps on making new ones and never apologizes and just blames me (and everyone else around him) for everything rather than taking one iota of responsibility AND he apparently makes up shit in order to sound like he's a victim.  

Did I make mistakes in our marriage?  You betcha!  But I don't regret a single one to him because HE'S AN ABUSIVE NARCISSIST!  The "mistakes" I made were trusting him with any vulnerable part of me or my kids, because he just used those things to exploit us all and hurt us.  The biggest mistake I made was not pushing to get a restraining order on him earlier and allowing my children anywhere near him after we separated.  And believing for one stupid second that he could do better.  Those were my mistakes.  

You know he used to read my journals?  So much so that I used to write in code so I could later lie and say "That's a story idea I was working on", even though back then? I wasn't a writer LOL  And he was stupid so he believed me.  

I am sorry I keep harping about this, but I just finally full realized since this all happened that he really is 100% a narcissist and he's also a liar.  I knew he exaggerated, but I never realized how much he was lying behind our backs.  Which is a good thing.  

I finally feel free.  Yes, I am processing my anger, 20 years after leaving his dumbass, but I feel that I am allowed to actually process it correctly now.  I am no longer stuck a cycle of having to deal with him anymore.  No more excuses.  Nothing.  I am finally free.  I can breathe again.  I can cut that cord and be done.  God, it feels utterly amazing!  I want to dance in the streets!  I want to sing it out loud!  I want to be joyous and scream it from the rooftops:

"I NEVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT ASSHOLE AGAIN! WHOO HOOOOOOOOO!!"  I mean, unless I run into him (I did run into his wife recently, but she didn't say shit to me).  If I do run into her, I want to tell her: it was always about him, Tena, never you.

To be free of your abuser, is a release like nothing else.  

Like my uterus, Will is cut from my life forever, never to return.  And I am free!!  Just like my uterus, he gave me nothing but shit (well, also just like my uterus, he gave me two amazing kids--but the rest of the time, they both gave me nothing but shit!).  Whoo hoo!    

Now I need to some sort of releasing ceremony!  

Goodbye Will Bowser!!  You were nothing but a pain in my everything!  And now that pain can be gone and I can celebrate having my life back again!  This is how I feel about this below!  Happy Easter y'all!  I am free!!! 

WHY oh WHY did I say anything to her??  Riddle me this, Batman???  God!  Why did I think it would be okay to share something with her???  I thought I was doing something completely benign.  I thought it was just something to say and nothing would ever come of it.  Why did I think that?  Why did I let my guard down and think anything this woman is involved in would be ever be benign??  *sigh*  

AAAAHHHHHHHH!!

For real, why?  I STUPIDLY told her all about the stupid next door neighbor that used to ask me to watch her dog all the time (there are lots of posts about her on here) and how I ended up having to call the police on her and my other neighbor due to them harassing me and my son.  

Why did I tell her that?  WHY???? Stupid!  Stupid!  Stupid!  Stupid! 

Today she thought it would be hot goss to tell her BFF Christmas all about this when she visited today.  I have no idea how far she made up information (which she always does), but Christmas is losing it, so she wasn't listening anyways.  But then I go to go into her room to fix her computer and she stopped me before I got down the hall (Christmas was still here at the time) and said "I don't know if I should tell you my plan.  I told C all about it."  

C:  Plants?  You told me about your plants?

Her:  PLANS!  Not plants!

C:  Plants?  I don't remember what plants you were talking about. 

Her:  NO!  I SAID PLANZZZZZZZZ!  I HAVE A PLAN, REMEMBER?  ABOUT THE NEIGHBOR??

C: Oh yeah.  (How I imagine their dynamic is Walter and Donnie from "The Big Lebowski")

Me:  *sigh*  Please leave this alone.

Her: Why?

Me:  Because this has nothing to do with you at all.  It happened to me, not you.  

Her:  Yes it does.  It's MY house.

Me: What on earth does that have to do with anything?  

Her: Well, I will only do it if I have to.

Me: No you will not.  She's not going to talk to you anyways, so just don't talk to her.

Her: What if she does?

Me: She will not.

C:  Why?  Does she not like your mom?  

Me: *sigh* (it's like poor C is only here for half of the conversation--ever)  She doesn't like any of us.  She won't engage with my mother because she doesn't like any of us.  So this won't even be a problem.

Her: Well, if she does, then I will do it.

Me: NO, YOU WILL NOT.  You will stay out of this, because it didn't happen to you.  It's none of your business.

C: Yeah, you're just going to make it worse.  Stay out of it.

Her: Whatever.

So, this is proof, right here, that she can be mostly silent for almost a whole year and the MOMENT she's given something, she will grasp for the whole world.  She's not content in her smallness.  She's always vying to be on top.  And this was like dangling gold for her.  She will keep trying to grab it until she's destroyed everything around her.  And this is exactly why you never give a narcissist a cookie.  Because they will always want the bakery to go with it.  

At dinner, I will stick around to see if she says more about it.  And when she does (I really really hope she does),  I am going to say "And this is why I don't tell you things.  You take things too far and involve yourself in things that have NOTHING to do with you.  If you want people to share things with you?  You need to stop taking charge of those things as though you own them.  It's not a good trait to have.  Instead, you should listen, and that's it.  Stop spreading gossip that's not yours to spread.  Stop taking charge of situations that have nothing to do with you.  Just stop.  If you can't just listen and let it be?  Then you don't need to be told things.  Period."  

And that's the thing.  I can't expect her not to act this way.  She can't help it.  That's who she is.  So, I just can't tell her things.  Ever.  

I already knew that, but I've slipped a few times in the past few years.  But from now on, I can't do it anymore.  I just can't.  She could fuck up things for us with her big mouth so I have to learn to just not share anything, ever with her.  

Ugh.  Same lesson, different day, right?  It needs to stick this time.  

I never hang out with my mother.  Because when I do, she knows I am her scapegoat, and uses that as much as she can.  But lately, she's been so much better.  Why did I think that would stay?  I assumed she was done with all that.  Goes to show, that she's never done and never will be.  

She felt in control yesterday.  And you know as well I as I do, if you give a mouse a cookie...

Give this old woman a tiny bit of control back (or rather, now, the illusion of control) and BAM!  She becomes an insatiable hole of needing more and more and more.  That's a visual for ya, eh?  She thought that because the doctor was funny, she could then, under the premise of being funny, be annoyed and rude and act like I was being an asshole because I made her stop smoking and I don't let her clean my kitchen and I don't let her go to Walgreens and shop.  She even had the nerve to say when he asked her if she smokes and I piped up and said "Oh she just quit!", she rolled her eyes and said "Well, I quit, but I don't if I will stay quit" with exasperation in her voice.  I laughed and said "Funny, you won't have anyone to buy you cigarettes so it's not your choice".  The funny part is that I let her get the accolades for quitting, even though it wasn't her choice.  Not one bit.  She didn't want them though.  She wanted to pretend that either a) I was forcing her (though that's the truth) (which she told the nurse) or b) it was her choice, but she could just as easily go right back (which she told the doctor).  

She also bitched I wouldn't let her clean anymore.  I do let her clean.  But not my kitchen.  I can't trust her.  She uses the freaking scrubbie she cleans the toilet with to clean my stove!  Yuck!  If she had pressed on about that, I would have said that.  I did speak up when the doc asked if we've gotten our flu or covid shots last year, I said no, nobody in the house was working during flu season so we didn't.  Then she said in another exasperated voice "Yeah, they won't let me shop!"  I knew exactly what she was talking about.  I even wrote about it on here.  But I pretended not to.  I said "Shop?  For a vaccine?"  She said "At Walgreens!  I wanted to get my shot so I could shop!"  I immediately came back with "Well, some diabetic I know will fill her cart up with $100 worth of candy when she goes there, so I wonder why we couldn't go."  I should have added "Wow, you're tricky, you tried to trick me into letting you go to Walgreens to get your flu shot just so to go shopping?  Wow.  I'll have to remember that."  But I didn't.  I just let her feel dumb about the candy.  She wants to act like I am being an asshole to her?  Then I will her be the one to look like one with the truth.  

But these instances were nothing compared to what she did after.  

I had three meds I took with me for him to refill.  He told her to stop taking her blood sugar every single day.  That her sugars were fine and at her age, they should be a little high otherwise she could get low blood sugar and that could hurt her (if she forgets to eat, etc.).  And hers are just a little high.  So the test strips I needed a refill on didn't need a refill.  

Then I had two meds.  I needed one med called into the VA and other med refilled at Walgreens, but only a 30 day script, so then we can get a 90 day later from the VA.  I just needed the meds filled sooner because the VA takes more than two weeks to get her meds to her.  A little complicated, but he got confused and then that made me freak out thinking I explained it wrong and so I got tongue-tied.  I don't stutter when I get nervous (though I can) but I do get my brain in a knot and that makes my words come out wrong.  When I am put on the spot, I can't think straight as it is, so I was lucky to get that out the first time.  And then when this happened, my mom laughed at me and started saying shit.  "So, do you need a refill or not?" she said in a huffy voice, while laughing, trying to make me look stupid to the doctor.  

What.  The.  Fuck.  

I about walked out out of the room.  

But I didn't, I just ignored her and repeated myself and he got it and we moved on, both of us ignoring her.  

It was horrible, but it was the best it could be, with him ignoring her asshole behavior and us pretending like she wasn't there.  But she hasn't done that in so long to me, I almost forgot she ever did it.  But I am reminded now.  And fuck her.  This was just like her back in the day playing Yahtzee with me (which she only did in order to get her narcissistic supply) and picking on me because my brain would freeze up with when I would do math (turns out, I have dyscalculia, something I've written about on here--it's the number version of dyslexia).  She literally played that game with me on purpose to make fun of me.  

Who the fuck does that to a child?  Who is so stupid that they would have to feel superior to a child?  Because of you're superior in most ways, you're a freaking adult!  But that wasn't enough for her.  I think because she has a low IQ that she needed to feel superior to me because even at 8, I was smarter than she was.  You should have seen the day she did my math homework for me and I came home and all the problems I did were right, and all the ones she did were wrong.  And I was so proud of myself and found it so hilarious that for ONCE I beat my mother at math!  She was LIVID and it ended with her giving me the silent treatment for however long.  

Just to be clear, when I say "beat my mother at math", she wasn't good at math.  This was adding.  Adding, that's it.  Your basic garden variety 2nd grade addition.  That's what she can do.  I did better in multiplication, which is what she got all wrong.  Because anything harder than addition, she couldn't do.  I am not making fun of her, as she probably has a math issue, too, but the sheer fact that she shamed me every single day for years and years and years for my math learning disability (also for reading clocks...she'd quiz me to laugh at me--she tried that 5 years ago when we moved in here, too!) when she can't do math herself is just bullshit.  

I think that makes her sort of a monster.  

Yes, I know her own inadequacies are what fuels her behavior.  Her simple mind says "I feel bad about myself, let me make myself feel better by making someone look dumber than us!".  I get that.  But isn't that what a monster does?  At least just a little?  Especially to a child.  

But if you think about it, what kind of fucking idiot do you have to be do that to a kid?  Like, literally stupid.  So, the next time you think about your parent picking on you as a kid (and beyond)?  Know that they had to pretty fucking stupid in order to feel intellectually superior to a kid.  And if they still do their best to make you feel stupid, you have to laugh at them.  Because they're just beating the same old dead horse "I have relive you being a stupid little kid when I was smarter than you so I can feel better about myself!" They aren't picking on you now, they are reliving their glory days when you actually didn't know as much as they did (or maybe you did, maybe you knew more and they had to remind you that you're just a dumb little kid).  They know if they pick on you now, you will revert to being a kid and their humiliation will have the same effect.  

So, let's work on stop letting them have the upper hand.  You know what I am going to do?  I am to heal that little girl inside of me (remember, we have inner children, not a single inner child, inside of us) who used to be humiliated playing Yahtzee by going to the resale shop today and buying that game and playing it right in the kitchen with my husband right in front her ass.  And she will say "Oh we used to play that all the time!" and I will say "I remember.  You used to humiliate me for your own pleasure because I didn't do math fast enough for you.  I am glad I never have to play this game with you ever again."  

Let's hope my kids will be busy so they aren't in the room when I say it (well, my oldest, my youngest doesn't care), as it makes him uncomfortable when I stand up to her.  

This will not only help to heal that little girl by calling my mother out on her shit, but it will let her know that humiliating me will only be met with me doing it right back to her.  I am not 8 anymore.  I am almost 48.  Over forty fucking years of this shit.  

I keep saying that 2025 is my feral year.  So, I am accepting my feral-ness as it comes and just going with it.  Because I am tired of just letting these bastards just getting away with saying whatever they like to me or treating me like shit and I just sit there and take it.  So, now, I am learning to snap back.  I couldn't yesterday in the doctor's office because I didn't want to argue in front the doc "Mom, that's not nice, this doesn't concern you, be quiet".  But I can today.  

Because fuck this.  I am not a little kid anymore.  I have nothing to fear from her anymore.  I am in control of my own life.  I don't need to allow her to treat me like shit just to make her feel better about herself.  And I don't need to allow myself to be that little girl who felt stupid as fuck in her mother's presence.  My mother is an idiot.  I should have always laughed at her when she picked on me, knowing that she only did it because she felt dumb.  It would have made my life worse had I done it, so it was best I allowed it to hurt me.  But it wasn't best in the long run.  

But I can fix it now.  At least little by little.  And today I will go get a Yahtzee game and let that little girl get some healing.  

I suggest you do the same: let today be the day you go out and do something for one of your inner children to heal.  

Until next time.  

Oh and no, I won't be taking her to many places this season.  But I will take her for her birthday.  But that's it.  I am not subjecting myself to more of this shit, no more than I have to.  


UPDATE: 

I got a really nice Yahtzee set, which I will be playing today right smack dab in the kitchen for her to see LOL  

So, mother has quit smoking.  Well, I got her to 1 cigarette a day, then to a half, and now she's all done.  Thank goodness!  No more having to shut our windows when she's smoking and no more stinky horrible cigarette smells.  BUT now I can't kick her out of the room for smelling like smoke anymore...so that's a negative, but it sure outweighs her smoking!  I will be able to go back as much as I want to this summer!!  Whoo hoo!  So that's great.  

This year I am going to take her places.  Like to the botanical gardens (a few of them) and maybe the apple orchard in the fall.  She will want to go shopping, but I'd rather take her to go do things instead.  Why?  Because she's been better lately.  And I know she will be losing her memory soon enough, so I want her to have some fun while she can still remember it.  

Also, I will be building a catio soon for all the cats to go outside in, and they won't be allowed to go roaming around wherever they like.  I am tired of paying for vet bills AND it should help them not get fleas, too.  We can hope.  It will be outside her window so they can just come and go as they please even at night.  She got really excited about this idea, so much so...that she started taking over and trying to tell me what to do LOL  Sigh.  Like she's ever built anything in her life.  I already know how I am building it (which actually got even easier the more I thought about it) and I hate when she tries to involve herself in my projects (which she always does...when she knows about it).  

So yeah, that's my plans for the springtime.  Also, taking her to get a cute haircut (which I will be in charge of this time, because they always cut it super dumb and she allows it...when I know she hates it).  I would cut it myself, but I don't do women's hair, only men's.  

So, haircut, catio, and springtime adventures.  

Let's hope she doesn't mess it up with her narcissism.  

Twice in the last 30 days I've had a mammogram and now they need to do a biopsy.  Sigh.  I am terrified...yes of the results, but also of the biopsy itself.  I am terrified of the numbing and procedure and being alone away from my husband.  I don't think he can go in with me, but I wish he could.  

Sigh.  That's all for now.  

UPDATE:

It all went okay.  So much so that they said it's shrank a LOT from the last time I got imaging and an ultrasound, that it's most likely a cyst.  Thank goodness.  

Now, just to icepack my boob for a few days and hopefully it will all turn out okay.  

UPDATE UPDATE: 

It's "okay" and totally not cancerous.  BUT rather than once a year, I have so many issues with this breast I will need to go every six months to keep an eye on it all.  Geezus.  Though at least the biopsy went okay, so I am happy about that.  Silver linings, right??  <3  And now I've made my 6 month appointment.  So that's taken care of.  I just hope in six months everything looks normal.  

Today I found an old jump drive and in it, I found a folder labeled "Recordings".  The first was me messing with a scammer that was pretty funny.  But the next four or five were NOT what I was expecting.  I opened the file and heard myself screaming at my son.  

Good god, that was horrible.  It turned my stomach.  My oldest son was 17 and that was the day he was packing up to be kicked out of my house to go live with his father.  I want to cry just thinking about it.  

See, my son is autistic and has emotional issues and back then, they were at their worst.  And I made them so much worse by not understanding what was going on.  So my son broke things and hit people.  And in the recording, he was blaming me.  And I was listening to this file saying "He was right.  It made it all so much worse."  But the old me didn't listen.  She thought she knew best.  She thought she was doing the right thing.  That her son was was the problem and that was that.  

And that simply was not true.  

Yes, he had issues, but he wasn't the only problem.  It was all of us.  

Five entire recordings of my son crying, and yelling, and screaming about he didn't want to go.  It freaking broke my heart to listen to that.  But he was gone for only two days.  And he came back a new man.  And we had a parenting agreement in place with him and he got better.  Did he still backslide?  Oh yes, and I did, too.  But it took my youngest son to see what we were doing to him for us all to change.  I thank my son so much for that.  Without him making us see the light, who knows what would have happened.  

Yes, my oldest son was violent.  He was aggressive.  He was loud.  He berated me.  He was doing all the wrong things.  But I did all the wrong things too: I yelled back.  I berated him back.  I screamed at him.  I blamed him.  And I didn't do the ONE thing he needed (even through his yelling): and that was LISTEN to him.  And it's been ten years and I've learned my lesson.  Even if he still yells at times.  I listen.  The other day I did yell back at him, but that's rare anymore, and it took him by surprise.  

And the more I listened and let him yell and let him scream, but without saying much back, the less he yelled and the less he screamed.  The more I saw his point of view, the easier things got.  And if I had known back then what I know now?  That all it took was for me to listen?  Life could have been so much better for us all.  

I will say one thing that was good that came out of this: his brother and him are closer because of it.  Before, they fought like cats and dogs.  But when they banded against me?  They found a bond.  Not that I am taking credit for that...that's on my youngest.  He is the reason this family healed.  Because he showed us the way through the darkness.  He was our light.  And this changed my oldest son into brother's biggest supporter and protector and fan.  See, D always loved his little brother.  He was the most excited big brother in the universe when I found out I was pregnant.  He even named one day little brother "Superman".  But once my oldest started experiencing issues with his emotions, that's what drove a wedge between them.  And that's not my oldest's fault.  He couldn't help his big emotions and still sometimes can't (though he usually gets a hold on them pretty quickly).  But then my youngest went through puberty and started to control his own emotions (he's also autistic), then they started coming back together again.  It took me a bit longer to get it.  But now I do, and I we're all so much better.  

I told my oldest about these recordings and we both felt bad.  He told me how much he loved him and I told him how much it hurt me to hear those recordings, to know the pain he felt and to literally hear it with my own ears, it was horrible.  He said "We're all better now.  None of us knew back then how to deal with all of that.  Especially me."  He's so much more self-aware now.  So much more mature and kind-hearted.  Well, he was always kind-hearted, he just felt these overwhelming emotions he could not control that made him say and do things that didn't show off how kind-hearted he really was.    

There were times I suspected he was a narcissist.  And horribly enough, times I accused him of that in the heat of a horrible argument.  God, I wish I could take those words back.  But I also know there are many words my son wishes he could take back, too, the things he accused me of.  It was a bad and horrible time for us all.  Turns out, ASD can mimic narcissism in so many ways, and I think that could be due to the fact that so many narcissists have ASD.  Neither of us has NPD.  But we were both learning about it (because of my mother) and we could clearly see the patterns in both of us that mimicked it.  We both learned a lot from that period of our lives.  Even if it was in a chaotic and cruel sort of way.  

It's so weird, to see how far we've come in ten years.  The recording put a pit in my stomach.  Hearing the proof of a memory we all (in our house) would like to forget.  But here's the thing: we don't forget.  We don't pretend it didn't happen.  We don't avoid talking about it due to shame.  Because there is no shame in acting horrible.  It's a part of being human.  We full accept we made mistakes and will make more in the future.  That's how we grow and learn.  Narcissists 100% do not understand this.  They allow their massive shame to never allow them to admit to their mistakes.  Or, if they do admit to them, it's for manipulative reasons.  Something has to benefit the narcissist in order for them to do it.  Always.  So, just casually walking into your child's room to talk about such a recording, and then discussing it with acceptance, clarity, and forgiveness would never ever happen, on either part.  No, they would have deleting the recording and pretended it never happened or would have kicked their mother out of the room or gotten angry about it (granted--they can get angry or not want to speak about it, without being a narcissist, too...sometimes people aren't at the point to feel safe in admitting their mistakes yet in life (for many reasons), my youngest was silent about it when I talked to him about it and he definitely does not have NPD).  

How did I escape this?  My birthfamily (on both sides) is filled with narcissism, and my adoptive family (on both sides) is filled with narcissism.  By all means, I should have NPD.  But I don't.  I think that alone proves it's biologically inherited by some gene (the low level sociopathy, that is).  And I am so glad that both my children, even though they inherited much of my ex-husband's DNA for their looks and other things, they did NOT inherit is his NPD.  And that my husband, who's parents also have NPD, did not inherit it from them (his brother did, but his sister didn't, thank goodness).  His brother saw him as a rival from the moment he was born.  He was twelve.  If my kids had a twelve year difference in age, both kids would have treated their younger brother as their little buddy.  They would have loved to have had a little person to cart around and have fun with.  They would have been their protectors.  But not my hubby's brother.  He saw him immediately as a nuisance and treated him like total garbage.  Once, my hubby threw up on him (he was around three years old), and his brother got so mad he went and peed on his toys.  He was fifteen!!!  

But we four escaped the prison of our DNA.  I really consider us lucky as NPD must be a horrible prison to live in every single day, day in and day out.  I am so lucky that I get to experience life as it really is.  That I have the capabilities to examine my mistakes and forgive myself for them.  I feel sorry for those with NPD.  It doesn't excuse their behaviors, but I can still see how horrible it must be live like that.  

I did delete those recordings.  I never wanted to listen to them again.  The pain and sorrow I caused my son.  The pain and sorrow he caused me.  But we both don't hold a grudge as we both realize you do better when you know better and when you're capable of doing better.  We realize that ASD makes so many things so much worse at times, but while it takes longer for us, we do learn to do better.  And that's all we can ask in life.  Learn from your mistakes, and do better.  Or at least try.  Narcs don't try.  They just go on being who they are forever (or if they do change, it's a manipulation).  

I love my family.  And I am so proud of how far we've all come.  But mostly, I am more proud of the fact that we can revisit our past mistakes with grace and understanding and forgive ourselves and each other for them.  Because love is what makes a family good.  And my family is saturated with it.  

Not my mother though.  But I still have compassion for her.  Even if she has none for me.  Because that's my blessing and her curse (not the other way around).  Because being loved isn't as much of a blessing as being able to love.  You are blessed because you can love (because so many people are unable to).  Never forget that.