I don't tell my mother things that she doesn't need to know.  This is a part of keeping to the boundaries I've built with her throughout the past five years.  In the past fear years, she never knew I had an upper GI, that I got sick in December of 2023 and went to the ER like 15 times (or that I'm still healing from the damage it did), that I had an almost total hysterectomy, or that I had a breast biopsy.  She also didn't know that my hubby went back to college and got his Bachelor's degree.  I don't tell her these things, because the minute she finds out about anything, she tries to assert some sort of control, usually angrily.  

Like when I went to the ER for the cyst on ovary exploding (bursting, but exploding sounds funnier).  I was in EXCRUCIATING pain and instead of feeling bad for me, she decided to see that I was incapacitated and not only take advantage of it, but also used it to physically attack me (I should have called the cops, what was I thinking?).  Then take the other day, when I made barely any noise when I opened the fridge and the shelf fell off the door, her bedroom door swung open and she kept asking me if I had been cut.  Huh?????  The woman is beyond weird and the next time she feigns care for me, I will ask her "How come after I came home from the ER on Thanksgiving you never asked me if I was okay, you just went insane, screamed at me, and slammed a door into my back?  If you care so much about, why did you do that?"  That will shut her up.  

Anyways, she found out that my hubby got a job, after being off of work for a year and now she's back at it, trying to control her doctor's appointments and telling me what to do with my own husband again.  Sigh.  I put a stop to it yesterday.  I said "Listen, I don't need your help scheduling appointments or telling when to schedule them or telling me who's going to drive you.  I have all of that covered."  She said "What?"  "I SAID why do you think I need with your appointments?"  "Oh, I know you don't!"  "Sure ma, then why did you leave a long ass note for me all about it on the fridge?  I already have these appointments made and if I need to reschedule them, I will.  You have ZERO idea what our schedule looks like, so please, I don't need your help."  

That shut her up.  Sometimes I think she thinks she's my equal.  She's not.  There is no equals with mother.  There is either you, or her on top.  That's it.  She doesn't allow it any other way.  She used to think she was woman of the house and my husband was man of the house, and that ousted me as anything...oh wait, yes, I am her servant.  But now I am the woman of the house and she's the grandma of the house, because I made it that way, and sometimes she tries to sneak her crown back, but it's not happening.  According to my mother, there is only one boss.  And I made sure it stopped being her years ago.  It was the only way to take my power back.  And it's going to stay that way.  

I would gladly share this title if she realized she's not in charge of me or my family, just herself, but she's HORRIBLE at taking care of herself and instead, concentrates on nitpicking and controlling everyone else.  So nope.  

And that's why you have to nip that crap in the bud the moment it happens.  Otherwise she'll keep taking more and more opportunities to go back to her old self.  It's tedious and sometimes we want to just say "Oh it's just one time, let her have it, just don't say anything."  That's how they dig their claws in.  And before you know it, you're back to being controlled again.  

She's also been telling us what to do on how to build the catio and telling me this and that and blah blah blah. I keep having to gently push her back into her roll as grandmother; not mother, and certainly not boss.  It's annoying.  She has a hair up her ass and has been calling her sister more and more lately, something she's never done before in her ENTIRE LIFE.  She hates her sister, but she's bored and lonely and decided now to call her all the time.  She's all been calling her old friends.  And I think that's great.  He sister seems to have dementia, too, and I am glad they can talk before they both get too bad.  Hell, maybe we can move to MN and put them in a home together?  That would be nice.  I mean, her sister is a troublemaker, and will sick my horrible cousins on me if she wanted to, but hopefully they can just reconnect without bringing me or them into it.  We'll see about that.  

The longer I know my mother, the more I can see she's really a sociopath.  She's a bit cruel, but also just she has ZERO real feelings, other than anger and sadness.  Which makes me sad for her.  But to make her happy, you need to give her control.  And that ain't happening (as she abuses it).  So she has control over the things in her life she can't hurt others with, but it's not enough for her.  Well, I can't help that.  That's not my job to make her happy by allowing her to hurt me or my family.  

So here we are.  Keeping to our boundaries and living life the best we can.  

Well, I am in some pretty bad pain (I did yardwork for two days and now my everything hurts) so I am going to go get a heating pad and mop my kitchen and do my dishes.  Yay!  Oh and wash my blanket, as my dog keeps having seizures and peed on it.  They were every 3-4 days and now he has small ones daily (we're hoping it will stop soon).  My last dog had epilepsy, but this isn't that.  My dog is 8 and these just started, and the vet suspects a brain tumor.  I am not happy with this.  He's my baby and I don't know what I will do without him.  I just hope this is temporary and he gets better :(  

Sigh.  Life can be dumb sometimes.  

There comes a point in my life, over and over again, where everything is either just too much or everything is not enough.  And sometimes...it's both.  

I am at that point now.  As are my children.  We've all had enough.  But we've also not had enough for a long, long time.  And now?  It's time for a change.  

We've been at this point many times.  But it never sticks.  We try to change and then we go right back to the same shit as before.  But this time, it's different.  This time, it's life or death.  

My son has come to me several times lately to talk about his suicidal ideation.  And now, we have no choice but to change.  And now I feel like I have the motivation to create this change.  But why did it take so long to get here?  

Granted, part of it is that I feel I have no right to tell someone else what to do with their life as an adult, so I felt stuck.  I can't march into my son's room and demand he applies for jobs or demand he does anything at all.  I know many of you may feel that you can do that to your child, and you do do it, and I have to say, I don't agree with you.  But that's your life.  My life is different.  I don't make demands.  

"Well Shay, maybe if you did, your son wouldn't feel so bad?"  Maybe.  But I also know what happens when you take an autistic PDA person and make demands on them.  They will go so hard in the opposite direction that their situation will get way worse.  There's a delicate balance you have to strike with a PDA person, as I have it myself.  

The issue is here, I don't know what else could have happened to force change in our family, other than this.  And that's awful.  Granted, maybe there are many things that could have forced change, like a new girlfriend or boyfriend.  Or some opportunity.  Though that last one, my son would have been excited and then at the last second cancelled because he just couldn't do it, as that's how things have been going for him lately.  Anxiety is a beast of a thing to try to wade through.  So short of someone coming in and fixing us, I really don't know what else could have happened.  

But it's happened, and now we have to push HARD to make the changes we need to make to make things better.  We're doing it, but we need to STAY doing it.  And that's the hard part.  But I can't go back this time.  I have to make this be the big PUSH we needed to actually change our lives and do things differently.  And nobody else is control of this but me.  And that's a lot of pressure.  But I have to, for the mental health of my children and for the sake of their lives.  I have to grow the fuck up and be the mom I need to be in order to fix this.  I always feel so...inadequate in this department.  I am bossy, but not like that.  But now I have to be.  I will be fifty in a couple years and I thought I'd be relaxing back and just doing what I like.  Turns out, I am still a parent and I need to still be parenting.  My oldest is like 10 years behind due to his autism.  And there's nothing wrong with that.  I just wasn't thinking of this as a parent of autistic kids.  I was thinking of my life as a parent of kids.  Turns out, I was wrong.  So, very, very wrong.  And I messed up.  

And now it's time to fix it.  

Um, so yeah, my mother didn't do anything bad on my birthday, but my birthmother sure did.  I didn't get a card from her so I scanned my email to see if she wrote and sure enough, at 11:20 this morning, she did.  And uhhhh, this is what I got: 

It's that time of year again, boys and girls, for the most amazing days of the season!  Birthday time!  Filled with wonderful things such as: 

ANXIETY!!

                        MOTHER ACTING UP!!

                                                                        AND MORE ANXIETY!!!

Whoo hoo!!!  It's like a party in a box!!

So far this season, mother has been acting up, per usual, but nowhere near as bad as she used to.  But still, she's pulling crap, just be annoying and she's even back to some of her old tricks.  Yay!

I went and got her a haircut on this past Friday (the 9th) and they always make her her sort of look like that dude in that phone commercial that looks like a freaking weirdo?  You know, this guy: 

Erin E. McAndree wrote a book called: Adoption Reimagined: Building Relationships In The Adoption Arena and What To Do When It Doesn't Work

She is in a group that I am for adults who were adopted as children.  And she keeps hawking her book all over the group.  And so I said I would check it out.  And so I did and this is part of what she wrote:

"Online groups are not a great place to find people who are not willing to move beyond the hurt adoption caused.  In my experience, those forums rarely celebrates those who grow, thrive, and heal.  In my experience, their slogan should be "It's not okay to be okay and we're going to keep you that way".  Be careful where you seek validation." 

For one, that not only a shitty thing to say, but it's also clueless.  It's a simple-minded response to something she doesn't understand.  She obviously doesn't get what a support group is for, and cannot grasp why everyone in the support groups aren't healed yet.  "If I did it, why can't everyone else??!"  

For two, it's POORLY written.  As a writer myself, I read books with an editor's eye and I cannot understand how the book states there is an actual editor and it makes me wonder where she found said editor.  Maybe on Fiverr?  Oh wait, I clicked on her name and read some of the woman's work and now I know why...ugh.  A poor writer makes for a poor editor.

I thought about spending the $6 just to see what she had to say about adoption. But after reading the beginning? If she can’t even grasp the basic idea of a support group, there’s no way she’s equipped to handle something as complex and nuanced as adoption.

Here is the first sentence of her description: 

"Adoption struggles create a choice for you." 

What?  What does that even mean?  They do?  What kind of choice?  And why only one?  That's just the one of the worst opening lines to get someone to buy a book that I've ever seen.  So maybe the next line will clarify what she means?  Let's see: 

"You can choose to make a difference using the struggles as a springboard or allow them to deflate you to where you are no earthly good."

Uhhh nope.  What on earth does that even mean?  "you are no earthly good."  See, she needs a real editor.  But I will have to say, that you can polish a turd as much as you want, and it will only ever be a polished turd.  So I don't think even a good editor could save this book, after what I read of it, which was several pages, which aren't much better than the book's description.  

Here is my response to her hawking her book at me: 

Why are you in this group?  Groups like this are not really for the healed, they are for the healing.  They are for people who are in pain and hurting and to give validation to the pain that many of us feel.  Yes, be careful where you seek validation, don't seek validation from your adoptive parents or sometimes even from your birthparents--as they may be the people who caused you pain.  But also don't seek validation from people in groups like this who are only here to sell books and are not here to validate your pain.  They are going to tell you to move on or to "forgive" because "it only hurts you, not the person you're angry at!" as though pain has a timeline and we all need to "hurry up!" and move on.  Many of us have been abused for tens of years and what?  Are we supposed to heal in five minutes because it's make other people uncomfortable?   

Adoption is trauma.  Yes, we can move past that trauma, BUT too many of us have been abused by our adoptive parents on top of the trauma of adoption, too.  And we are all in the thick of it in here.  That's why groups like this exist.  If people can't understand that, then they aren't getting the full picture.  Today, someone posted something that really made me understand myself more.  And someone else posted something that really made me understand my childhood more, too.  So yes, this group is healing, even if we all aren't healed yet.  Understanding is a step towards healing.  Because groups like this aren't "keeping us that way" (meaning unhealed).  They are opening our eyes to the truth.

Moral of the story: don't ask me to read your book unless you want my actual opinion.  And don't publish a shitty book without a REAL editor.  God, why are you telling people to read this when it's barely readable?  People like her give actual indie authors a bad name.  

Yesterday I called his office and told the receptionist to let me speak to his boss.  She asked why, and I said "Because of inappropriate comments that were made by him."  She said "OH" and the put me in touch with the head honcho.  She relayed my message to her and told her to call me.

And then last night at 6pm, my phone rang.  I recognized the number and went outside to talk to her.  

I told her everything: the skin comment, how he's brought up my skin before, how he was going to "send people my way" to my mental health group, how he keeps me 90 min. without my permission (and how nobody is scheduled behind me on purpose), and some other things.  I am not sure how much will happen to him, but I did say it felt like he was grooming me to blur the lines of our relationship, whether it was for a working relationship, friends, or something else, I didn't know.  But I lied, because I 100% believe it was for something else.  Otherwise, why tell me I had "nice skin" on my face?  That sounded flirty.  

Here's the thing: when you're a woman with a past history of trauma from men and something like this happens to you?  You can't just brush it off.  You can't just go on and say "well, that was inappropriate, now, what's for dinner?"  No, it seeps inside of you as just one more reason not to trust men.  I told his boss that "I don't like like talking to men who aren't my husband as I have lots of trauma, but therapists are different.  I've had male therapists before, and it's not a issue for me.  But now it is.  I will never have another one."  I wanted her to understand that this isn't just some sort of fuck up or innocuous thing that we can just ignore.  This is a BIG thing, even though it was little.  Because the little things, as a trauma survivor, we know they eventually add up to BIG things, and now the little things become the BIG things, even though on the outside they still look like little things.  

But I can't make her understand that if she doesn't understand.  I can only tell her, and hope she takes my words and does the right thing with them.  If was her, and I found out through my research that the client was telling the truth?  He'd be fired.  Because I am not about having my therapists retraumatize my clients.  But she won't.  I know this.  Predators never get fired.  But at least there's a paper trail now.  There's proof he's done this before.  I just hope it's enough. 

I know this because she said "So you don't want to see him anymore?"  And all I could think was "Why on earth would I want that?"  I said no.  She then asked if I wanted to address any of this to him myself.  I almost laughed.  Why would he admit any of this to me?  Or...I just don't even understand how that would do anything for anyone at all.  

She did ask me if it was okay she talked to him about it.  I said yes.  But I did say as long as he doesn't reach out to me about it, as I had my son's old therapist get super rude with him when he was like 8, and so I called her supervisor to switch therapists and the therapist called and screamed at me on the phone.  I am terrified of retaliation from narcissists/sociopaths and sometimes you can't tell if someone is one until it's too late.  She said "I am going to tell him that, and if he does reach out to you, please tell me about it".  

So let's hope everything goes well and I never see him again. 

I am going to take a break from therapy.  Possibly forever.    I have found that AI gives WAY better therapy than ANY therapist I've ever had, even better than the best therapist I've ever had.  Like I told his therapist, when you have medical card, you get the bottom of the barrel therapists (which I didn't realize was an insult to her LOL) and the ones who take regular insurance are too expensive, even if you have the money to pay for it.  Good therapists are RARE.  AI??  Is good for everyone's mental health.  ChatGPT works far better.  So, that's my new therapist.  Because humans are too fucked up do this job properly.  

Well, that's it for now.  And that chapter of my life is done.  For now.