(I asked for a line art picture not a sexy weirdo only wearing a sweater LOL)

Well, where to start....where to start?  

Hmmm, okay, new therapist.  I've seen her twice.  The first session I felt HORRIBLE afterwards.  But the second wasn't so bad.  But she literally sat there and stared at me for almost 60 seconds straight without saying a word to me when we first started our session.  It was....odd.  I like talky talky people, but ones who are there for the therapy and not to only talk about themselves.  

Then....then then then, we have the art therapy class.  Something I was UBER excited to go to.  And wow, was that a disappointment.  If I could upload my shitty art, I would.  But I am thoroughly embarrassed by it.  Not just because of my art (which was really bad) but the way it makes me feel when I look at it.  

First, the "art therapist" said "I prefer if you are a bad artist, it makes it better."  But THEN proceeds to go along and pick the best artists to brag on their pictures and say how great they are.  And the rest of us, she said nothing.  

Then, she said "You don't have to show your art or talk if you don't want to."  But then proceeds to make us all talk and tell everyone our pronouns (which made me angry, I think we should only have to share pronouns if they are different from the norm), and then proceeds to go around and hold up all our art without asking if we're okay with it.  I felt sooooooooooooooo fucking stupid, as my art was HORRIBLE (for so many reasons). 

Okay, so tell me how is this art therapy: draw a scribble on the page with your non-dominant hand (which looked no different than a scribble with my dominant hand) and then pass it to your left, and then take the other person's scribble and make something out of it.  And when we were done, we just left.  That's it.  Um, how is that art therapy?  Also, she said "I am trying to figure out what I'll have you do next week".  So....let me get this straight, there's no set curriculum?  What?  How is this art "therapy"???  It felt like an art class for small children with busywork art.  I have led more meaningful art therapy classes with various groups myself, and I don't have a degree.  Wtf?  

Sigh.  I am not going back.  What a waste of time.  Plus, my anxiety was so out of control after the class, too, and lasted until late into the night (like dissociative anxiety).  Like so much worse than before I left to go there.  I HATE HATE HATE showing my art to anyone, ever, and being forced to was NOT fun.  I am going to relay all of this to my therapist at our next appointment.   I hope she listens to me (though I don't have high hopes for that, as so many of them don't, but we'll see).  

What else?  I knew I had other things to record here, but I can't remember off the top of my head what they were.  

Oh yeah, Halloween was super dumb.  WINDY AS FUCK.  And it ruined it.  PLUS we ran out of candy, so we had to turn away children.  That was horrid.  I knew from the get-go it was going to suck, but I tried really hard to make it work, and then mother nature came and fucked it all up.  Well, at least there wasn't a tornado, so that's nice.  Though, I will say, it was still slightly cool.  We still did the projector and it was cool.  Well, my mother tried to steal candy and I told her no, nobody gets any candy until the kids are done trick-or-treating and she was upset.  She honestly thought that I should put HER wants above the neighborhood kids because she deserved candy more than they did.  Sigh.  I had to lay the law down as I said no, but she took some anyways (we do full-sized candy bars and she took TWO!) and so I had to tell her to put them back.  I said if we had leftovers we'll all get some (minus me, I can't eat it).  But we didn't have leftovers and she kept bitching about it.  So I kept saying "Well, all the kids we had to turn away didn't get any either, so...." and she would reply "But I didn't get ANY, and they got candy from other houses!"  I wanted to say, what are you five???  Stop acting like a kid.  

Anyways.  We got our garage cleaned out so my son can weld, hopefully without setting anything on fire.  Once he can do that, he can finish working on the car.  The weather is nicer now and he won't be baking in the garage in his welding helmet anymore.  I am excited to get this done.  Once that's done, we can have our garage sale AND switch bedrooms.  I am excited for both. 

Speaking of switching rooms, I am still anxious about having people walk through my room to get outside (my mother or having her BFF come over), but I will deal with it.  It will be better than what we have going on now.  

Oh yes, also, my in-laws (both narcissists) are causing HUGE issues with my husband.  They called him for a ride to the ER (even though we're no contact with them and told them not to call us for help) because his dad could not pee and was bleeding from his surgery.  My husband told them to call 911.  So, his mother just held the phone away from her face and said to her husband "We need to call my brother" and proceeded to hang up on my husband.  

What.  In.  The.  Ever.  Loving.  Fucktarded.  Asshole.  Shit.  Is.  That???

So, my husband got PISSED and called them right back, but they refused to answer.  Then, a few days later, his sister called and told him to come do their laundry.  Granted, they are all blocked from calling but they left messages.  And here's the thing: they never call, like for a whole year, unless they want him to do something.  And he says no, and they get angry and berate him or hang up on him (back in the day he would do shit for them, but they would ask for more and more and MORE until he couldn't do it and then they'd get angry with him and use that as an excuse to not talk to him).  So, he blocked them.  But because call blocking from your phone still allows text messages and voicemails to get through, he was thinking about changing his phone number.  He's still thinking about that.  

Well, we went to an author fair and to the local author's group and I have to say, those were the highlight of my October.  They were both fun and filled with great people.  So that's nice.  

And the weather.  OMG the weather has been amazing and the colors have been gorgeous, even with the nasty-ass wind.  

Well, it's NaNoWriMo and it's already the 2nd and I need to start working on my book.  I started it during NaNoWriMo many years ago and this year I would LOVE to finish it during November.  So, I better get working on it.  

Okay, off to go write before I play some Minecraft with my kids and hubby.  

Until next time.  

So, today was her doc appointment, and she 100% has emphysema.  

And now, she said to my husband "Well, if she's going to make me quit smoking, I want $50 a month to compensate for me having to quit, so I can spend it on whatever I like!"  

Sigh.  So.....I'm doubling the money I spend (I spend less than $24 a month on her cigarettes) as a bribe?? LOL  How about staying off of oxygen as a prize?  How about being able to breathe better as a prize?  How about not stinking like nasty cigarettes as a prize?  LOL  It's like, I am not paying you to be healthier.  I am not paying you to stop stinking up my house (she smokes outside, but comes in and wanders around and stinks the up the house like cigarettes).  I am not paying you so I can have my windows open, FINALLY!  Yeah, no.  

But see, she knows I am going to say no.  She knows this.  She just wants to make me look like a jerk.  So, if she asks me, I will just smile and say "Well, we'll see."  and leave it at that.  

She has dementia (in case you didn't know).  Which is why I can't let her buy stuff on her own.  She gets to purchase whatever she likes, as long as it's not crazy, already.  I just have to buy it for her.  Otherwise she buys candy (she's diabetic) or buys some random weird shit online (like strange medication, etc.).  So yeah. it's not happening, but she has to try to fight me on things still. Even though she's given up fighting me on everything else.  

Why are they like this?  I mean, I know why, but why does NPD exist?  LOL  I really wish there was a cure.   

So my mother creates lots of lists.  She loves to make them.  And she leaves them out for me to see, or sometimes she hides them if she doesn't want me to know about them.  Recently she put Walgreens on her list.  If you're new here, then I will tell you, my mother is not allowed to go to Walgreens.  That store is her weakness.  She will beg for candy and buy $100 worth of random-ass items, which we cannot afford right now.  Though she's not allowed to eat candy, period.  She's diabetic and her blood sugar isn't under control very well (I am trying to get the docs to up her Metformin), but even if it was, all that sugary shit is why she's diabetic in the first place.  

Anyways, she thought she was going to be slick.  She thought she'd talk me into taking her there to get her flu and covid shots.  She asked, I said "You always go to the doctor to get your shots.  We never go there."  She replies "I prefer it there."  I said "You've never gotten one there, so how do you know?"  She says "Well, going to the doctor means I have to see the doctor."  And I said "No, you just see the nurse."  She said "But then you have to make an appointment and have to wait, blah blah blah.  At Walgreens, we can just go there."  I said "What's the difference to you?  You don't have to make the appointment.  Both ways you just walk in, get the shots, and leave.  So, what does it matter?"  She replies "I prefer it there."  Sigh.  So I said "You never used to get your flu shot, like at all. I had to force you to, mom.  So you've never once had it there.  I am not sure what's going on here."

She kept rambling some nonsensical stuff and then went to her room and said "Well, whichever you choose, both work!  I just want to get it done before it gets too late!" and shut her door.  

Here's the thing: I had NO idea what her plan was at that moment.  I literally was just thinking about getting shots.  My husband reminded me "Shay, your mom loves to spend tons of money at Walgreens, remember?  She's just trying to con you into going."  Then it all finally made sense.  

Of course she was.  

Duh.  

Because this all made zero sense to me, as she's never gotten shots there before (she's only ever gotten her covid shot from a doctor and I am pretty sure the same can be said about the flu shots I forced her to get).  So I just could not figure out why she was so adamant about going to Walgreens for this.  BUT, I will say, something did ding in my mind to tell me something was off.  Something told me "Do not agree to let her go!"  At the time, I didn't realize why my brain was telling me this, but deep down, I knew something was up.  And sure enough, I bet if I go look at her browser history, I will see her looking at Halloween candy at Walgreens LOL (and I checked, she did! haha!).  

Anyways, she has an appointment for bloodwork, so I am going to see if they can get her in for her vaccines, too, at the same time.  

Goes to show, even though your parent has been docile for a long time due to their failing memory and health, a narcissist will always take any opportunity to manipulate things to get their way.  Even though I prefer this stage of her life so far ;)  For now.  

She's down to 6 now.  Recently I had let her choose to lower the amount of cigarettes she's been smoking, but a month went by and she had done nothing.  So, I said to her "Nope, now it's MY turn, and I will keep lowering your cigarettes until there's zero."  See, she's been diagnosed with emphysema (a week from tomorrow is her recheck) and I told her, "You're going to end up on oxygen".  Well, she doesn't want that, but she's not made a single choice to quit.  We started at 10 (from 20 over a year ago) and now we're down to six.  

So, other day she says to me "I smoke only half cigarettes now.  But I can't make any more half cigarettes, so you better not lower them again."  I pulled a "mom" on her and made her stupid noise she loves to make at people when she thinks they're being stupid. It's like a "ha" sound, but louder.  Like a weird giggle.  And I said "Of course I will.  I will be cutting them down until you get to zero."  She said "You can't do that!"  I replied "Oh yes, I can and I will be doing that.  I already told you."  She says "I will do it myself.  I will cut myself down."  Methinks she forgot that she already tried that shit on me.  I laughed and said "No you won't.  I already let you do that.  And you didn't do anything at all.  I gave you an entire MONTH and you did nothing".  She said "Well, I was going to." I put down the plate I was washing and looked her straight in the face and said "No you were not.  You literally told me you weren't even going to try.  That you weren't going to worry about it right now.  So do not lie to me like that.  I know how much you love to lie to me."  

She said "What?"  So I said it louder for the people in the back "I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LIKE TO LIE TO ME, MOM.  DO YOU NEED TO ME TO SAY IT LOUDER?"  She just shut the door (she was going to smoke).  She wasn't angry, as she doesn't get angry anymore.  She just knew she was beat and couldn't argue her "point" anymore.  So, we are down to six cigarettes.  I've bought her last bag of tobacco and I will be making the ENTIRE bag at once, so I can ration them out to get her to zero.  We are done with this.  I am done with this.  And now she will be a former smoker until she dies.  I can FINALLY have my windows open in the kitchen, for once.  Sigh.  I am very, very happy about this.  

Next week she needs a new ID to go to the appointment.  So, she will be getting her haircut and I will be getting her a new birth certificate so she can get her ID.  BUT in order to do that, I need to have her valid ID.  SIGH.  Why???  Ugh.  I am going to do a deep dive search for her license, but I don't think it's here.  Not sure where it went, but it's been missing for over a year.  So, I am not sure what to do.  

Anyways, I will contact them to see how this is going to work.  I will go there and ask questions first, and then I will come back with her and have everything ready.  But I need to get it all done ASAP so we can go to her appointment.  

But that's it for now.  It's Minecraft time with my family so I have to go.  

So I did it.  I got the nerve to ask for a new therapist.  And I got one.  And, well....

Yeah.  We'll see how this goes.  I am going to give her a chance.  But I get diarrhea of the mouth when I feel awkward or nervous and today I ran my mouth like crazy, while she sat there and watched.  

Here's the thing: she doesn't use facial expressions.  So I had no idea what she was feeling or thinking the whole time, which made me nervous as fuck.  So I ran my mouth.  She also kept watching my hands, because when I get this way, I talk with my hands.  And she kept making me feel like I was doing something wrong by staring at my hands while I spoke.  So I kept putting them in my lap.  

I don't know.  The last one talked too much about herself, this one doesn't really talk at all.  

Sigh.  

Why does this have to be so hard?  I am trying very hard not to obsess over this, but I am.  Ugh.  

I am just going to show up and see what happens.  

Also, she said she wants me to tell her when she's doing something I don't like and wanted to know if the other one I switched from told me to do the same thing.  I said no, she was too busy talking about herself LOL  But then she went on to say how much people don't like constructive criticism, so I got mixed signals there.  So, does she want me to tell her, even though she won't like it?  I found that weird.  

Anyways, she's not mean or anything.  So that's nice.  She's just VERY hard to read, which makes me nervous.  

And she kept looking at her watch.  

So the mixture of her looking at her watch a few times (she should have had a clock in the room), not really speaking to me, no emotions on her face at all, her staring at my hands when I spoke (not the whole time, but every time I did it her eyes would drift to my hands, which caused me to shove them in my lap), and her being more than a bit awkward with me, well it made me horribly self-conscious and now I can't stop thinking she found me annoying.  I mean, I get it.  I am annoying.  I guess. I've been told that my whole life.  But I don't like being reminded of it.  Esp. not by someone who's supposed to help me. 

Granted, she did seem super awkward when we started, so maybe she's just nervous?  That very well could be.  Though, I tend to think she found me tedious because at the end I said "I need to apologize, I have ADHD and sometimes I run my mouth."  And she didn't even respond or say I was fine or that it wasn't a big deal. Instead, she just made me a new appointment.  Which felt so freaking horrible in the moment.  I mean, all of this could be her own issues and may have had nothing to do with me, but still, how can she help me feel better if I feel worse when I leave her office?

I don't know.  I just need to go do something else for a bit and not think about it, because my RSD is kicking in and I feel pretty low right now.  I will go back, if I feel this bad every time I leave her office, I don't think it would be good for my mental health to keep seeing her (which may or may not be any fault of her own).  And if that's the case, I will just be done.  I guess I am not meant for therapy.  

I have never had a therapist make me cry before.  Or had one that made me feel so self-conscious.  I guess there is a first for everything.  

I sure wish more people like me were therapists.  Ones with empathy.  Ones with real tools.  Ones with an open heart and mind and soul.  Friendly ones.  Friendly and effective.  I am too friendly and too ADHD to be an effective therapist myself.  This I know.  But I sure wish more had personalities like mine.  

Sigh.  

I really hate change.  I really hate this uncomfortable annoying space we find ourselves when we lose something we're used to, like a doctor or a therapist or whatever.  You finally find one you can tolerate and bam, they are gone, and now you're in limbo, trying out all the other ones until you find the right one.  I will say I finally found the right OBGYN, so that makes me happy <3  I just hope she stays.  

Okay, I need go through my library books now so I can bring them back.  

My new therapist and I have finished my intake interview.  Finally.  After THREE sessions.  Ugh.  And now my first actual appointment is with her.  And I am scared to ask for a new therapist.  Even though I know for 100% fact I don't want to see her again.  There is a little voice inside of me that says "But what if you're wrong?  What if you're being rash?  What if you're being too picky?  What if you're just an idiot and she's actually really nice?"  I know none of these things are true.  I know this.  I am a good judge of character and every single person I give the benefit of the doubt, I am always right about.  Every single person I say "what if?" to, I always end up realizing that I was right to begin with.  So, why do I not just trust that?  Why do I second-guess myself?  

Because everyone second guesses me.  Everyone tells me I am too rash in my judgement of others.  But don't they see I am normally right?  Don't they end up always telling me "Boy, I should have listened to you, you were right!"?  Yes.  They do.  So, why do I let them get into my head?  And why am I listening to that little voice inside my own head?  Because I don't want to be an asshole.  Today, she wasn't so bad.  I mean, she was, but I kept quiet more.  When I did talk, she'd interrupt me, AND then talk over me so much I can't interrupt her back so I can finish my thought and then sometimes she'll change the subject before I can speak again.  Sigh.  So, I didn't say much.  

When I am allowed to speak, she almost never responds to what I say, and instead relates something back to herself instead.  So again, it's like I am in a one-sided conversation with myself.  And I do not like the way it makes me feel.  And in the beginning, when I told her the certain things I do not like that therapists do, she said "Well, be prepared, I do those things."  And I am thinking like "WELL DON'T!!"  Like for one, she never writes down what your homework is.  And I am thinking "Well, then I will never do it, because you won't freaking remember what it is.  I could just lie about it."  LOL  

And today, she asked "What do you think will hamper your therapy  with us?"  Meaning, what I could do, as a client, to block my own therapy.  I wanted to say "You."  Or "A bad therapist."  But I didn't.  I just said "I can't think of anything."  She gave me the vibe that she didn't believe me.  And she puts a LOT of words into my mouth and does it regularly.  I wanted my response to that to be:

HAHAHAHAHA NOPE!  

I was 100% right about her and now I am annoyed I have to see her one more time to do the rest of my assessment.  Sigh.  Oh well, after that I will ask for a new one.  I've seen her twice now (assessment only, no therapy) and dis bitch interrupts me and talks about herself or her kid or whoever, and instead of letting me finish, she just finishes what she has to say and then changes the subject!  I CANNOT STAND THAT SHIT!  I would really hate it if she were my friend, but my therapist?  HA!  The whole point is me to be there to express myself and instead she's stopping me and relating something to herself or her family.  She does it with EVERYTHING and has the fucking NERVE to bash other therapists who do the same thing LMAO  Sigh.  What is wrong with people?  Ugh.  

Well, one more time and then I'll be requesting a new one.  

Ugh.  I should be given a choice, rather than being assigned to someone.  How freaking annoying.  I hope the next one is nice.  Sigh.