Have you ever had a narcissist in your life, or witness a narcissist in someone else's life, do a 180 after their life circumstances have changed?  Have you ever thought to yourself "Wow, I never thought this person could change, but here they are, totally wonderful now!"?  And even though it may seem out of the blue at times, it really isn't.  If you look closely enough, you'll see that there actually was a trigger for their turnaround.  Whether it be a death in the family, losing a job, a divorce or a relationship ending, or something else equally as life-changing.  Or, in the case of my own mother, their power being taken away from them.  Take away a narcissist's power, and you take away what makes them tick.  

I've seen this happen a few times in my life, once with my mother's best friend Christmas.  Her sister was a raging narcissist, ever since birth and was horrible to Christmas.  But once their parents both died, her sister did a complete 180 and said "We are all we have left" and stopped mistreating her.  Christmas said "See?  People can change."  I didn't want to burst her bubble so I didn't tell her the truth.  If her sister could go back to who she used to be with her for any reason, she'd drop her like a hot potato and go right back to being a bully to her.  But for some reason, with their parents being gone, she didn't see her as a threat anymore.  Even though she still was a raging narcissist in every single other part of her life (such as taking out credit cards with fake names and fake social security numbers, collecting on her dead "husband's" social security, claiming to be his wife, even though they were never married, wearing wigs and committing petty crimes in various places, etc.), she saw her sister as something she could use for her own benefit, rather than bully her to make herself feel better.  But I never said these things to Christmas, as what good would that to do.  So I let her believe her sister had changed.  But the horrible truth was she hadn't and never would change.  

All because a potato is a potato and can never be anything but a potato.  You can dress it up with cheese or sour cream and chives, cut it into strips, mash it, boil it, bake it, slice it, and call it something different like "French fries".  But it's still a freaking potato.  And can never be anything else.  And that's how narcissists work.  They are who they are from birth to death, and will never be anything different.  

And that's because people with sociopathy, or anti-social personality disorder, are born from other sociopaths, and they develop NPD as an expression of their sociopathy.  You cannot have NPD and not be some level of a sociopath.  You are born that way and cannot get rid of it.  Just like someone with ASD (autism spectrum) cannot get rid of their autism.  It's a part of who they are, just like ASD is a part of who I am.  And I equate those with NPD as being potatoes, as they are filled with nothing but starchy boringness and they all taste the same (we're talking white potatoes here, not sweet).  Some potatoes may be delicious, if prepared properly, but that's how they get us.  We THINK they are more than just a potato, but after sitting in the fridge overnight, you pull out yesterday's baked potato, and it goes right back to tasting like a regular potato again.  And that's how they keep us coming back.  

My own mother has made this 180, as well.  She's a totally different person today than she was less than a year ago.  Hell, she's a totally different person than she was a few months ago.  She's changing to exactly what I want in a mother, which really sucks, because I know it's a lie.  "But can't you just enjoy it, Shay? Enjoy the good times with her?"  This is something my therapist once asked me.  I replied "Enjoying the good times is how I always get hurt.  Getting sucked into her orbit when she's being good and nice is how I always get slapped in the face when she completely reverts back to her old self.  And because it always is so abrupt, it feels like a slap in the face.  I would rather stick a low level of not enjoying her on an even keel, so that way I don't feel the up and downs of her mood swings."  I mean, at the time, I found it kind of crazy he'd even suggest that I find ways to enjoy her good behavior.  Because he knew I had a tendency to get sucked right back in when she was good, and then get slapped out when she was bad.  What bad advice.  But then again, he was full of both good and bad advice.  That's why you have to remember that therapists are humans, too, and some you have to be careful with, as they are also narcissists.  

But today, at this time, she's changing to the point I feel I can relax.   But every time I relax, she will out of the blue revert back to her old behavior, which slaps me in the face, and I have to start over again.  So, I don't let up on her.  I keep doing what I've always done, even though she's stopped doing so much of her past negative behaviors.  For one, she's stopped complaining to Christmas about me (and now she only brags about me instead, which confuses Christmas, as she's only ever heard my mother talk shit about me).  She's stopped having fits when I don't let her do the things she wants to do (like go to the grocery store--as she refuses to not touch her face at the store or wash her hands when she comes home, or piles too much sugar into her cart even though she has diabetes and has a freak out when I tell her no, or takes her mask off to talk to strangers really close to their face, etc.).  She's stopped throwing huge fits and threatening me when I don't give her access to the amount of money she wants (last year, around this time, she started asking me for $200-$300 for birthday shopping, even though most of that wasn't even for birthdays, but for her to go buy random items she didn't need, like her obsession with household cleaners and whatnot, and this went on for every single birthday last year).  Instead, she now buys $20 worth of scratch lottery tickets for birthdays (plus $20 worth for herself).  She's stopped bitching.  About everything.  My mother is someone who lives and breathes bitching.  If she's not bitching, she's not awake.  I bet she even used to dream about bitching.  But she's completely stopped.  Part of it may be due to her declining brain cognition, due to her dementia, but it also has to do with the fact I've made it impossible for her to bitch and get away with it.  Before, I'd just let it slide.  But I started creating situations in which she'd get in trouble for it or shamed for it, and she doesn't like that at all.  She even started telling me "I can't do that because I'll be bitched out for it."  And I'd reply "Me asking you stop doing something isn't me bitching you out.  It's me asking.  There is a huge difference, mom."  To her, me constantly pointing out and reminding her to stop doing something negative was me shaming her for doing that thing.  She wanted to live her life completely free of anything saying anything to her ever about anything she ever did wrong.  She just wanted to do bad things and be allowed to.  I mean, she lived so much of her life that way.  So when I refused to back down and pointed out her negative behavior every single time she did it?  That shamed her.  So she saw it as me doing something wrong.  Funny, right?  When she was the one actually doing something wrong.  But it worked.  And now she doesn't do most of those things anymore.  

It's like the time many years ago she used to call me 20-30 times in a row and hang up and call back, over and over again.  No reason she was really doing it.  She just got it into her head one day that this was appropriate to call me like that, because remember, we are all nothing more than objects to these people.  So if I wasn't available to her RIGHT IN THE EXACT MOMENT she wanted me to be (because she was so used to instant gratification), she'd call until I picked up.  That way she didn't have to wait.  Because my mother HATES waiting for anything, ever (going with her to restaurants was the worst, because she could never wait patiently for the food to come).  But by calling me over and over again, she didn't have to wait.  Remember, this was my cell phone she was calling.  It was always on me.  And she'd call me so much, that I would ignore her calls most days.  So I got on my voicemail and recorded an outgoing message: "Sorry I am not available to pick up the phone.  If this is my mother, please stop calling me 20 times in a row, and instead, leave me ONE message with what exactly it is that you want, and I will call you back later."  She called me again and said "Wow, I must have pissed you off."  She wasn't wrong, she did piss me off, because only crazy people did the things she did, but leaving that message on my voicemail stopped her from calling me like that ever again.  All she needs is someone to bring her behavior to light and it so deeply shames her that she gets offended and stops doing whatever it is.  It doesn't always work the first time, and I may have to ask her 100 times to stop, but eventually, it does work, as long as I don't let up.  Though it especially works if I point out her behavior to someone outside of our home in front of her (like her physical therapist).

She's also stopped taking my things and constantly rearranging them.  And the biggest thing?  Is that she's almost stopped having bad moods completely.  Sometimes she experiences them, but that's normal (though her bad moods are pretty mean).  But mostly, she's in a very quiet and calm.  Sometimes she gets super hyper, but thank goodness those days are few and far between.  These days, she spends most of her time just playing computer games and watching shows on her computer.  She's docile.  

But has he truly changed?  

The short answer is no.  Absolutely not.  If she had access to something or someone who gives her power?  She'd go right back again.  She is a product of her environment.  Just like Christmas's sister.  Take away a narcissist's power, and they may become "nice".  Because they have to.  The only other option is complete and total abandonment of everyone around them.  For Christmas's sister, it was losing their parents.  She couldn't get mommy and daddy to choose her over Christmas anymore, so she decided to remove Christmas from her list of scapegoats.  She had no family left.  And my mother?  She has no family that will do anything for her, other than me.  She also has no friends, other than Christmas anymore, as they've all passed away.  My mother's posse has disbanded, so she has nobody to rotate scapegoats with anymore.  Also, I have taken away any power she'd have over me, so she has nothing left.  So now?  She's nice to me.  But if I gave her some power back...she'd go right back to treating me like garbage again.  

The ONLY time I can say that narcissism might get better?  Is if their dementia gets a lot worse.  My grandma did this.  She lost all her steam once her Alzheimer's went far enough.  

Not all people with dementia get better, though.  Most get worse.  We were lucky that my grandmother seemed to do the opposite.  But my husband's mother?  Her mask has fallen and now she doesn't care who sees her true narcissist self.  It's sad.  And, if I'm being honest, a little frightening, as her blatant mistreatment of my husband is effecting him, even if he doesn't admit it yet.  My mother, on the other hand, isn't bad enough with her dementia yet.  She still has many of her wits about her and still would revert right back to mistreating me if given the option.  

Usually, what looks like change, is just the narcissist doing what they need to do in order to get what they want from you.  

And remember, friends,  a potato is always potato, no matter how you dress it up or season it.  It may look wonderful, but on the inside, it's still the same thing it was before.  And it always will be.  

I will have to say there seems to be more, but I guess many of the things I could come up with could be explained under the umbrella of these three identifications.  Because every time I think of something, I realize it's already been explained in these categories.  

I will have to say that my own childhood was predominantly in the incompetent category, but I do also have the denied childhood as well, as my parents were both pretty erratic in their behavior and both were fairly violent, mostly with words, but also physically, too.  I call it "waiting for the other shoe to drop", and that is still the same to this day.  Which is why I am around 99% grey rock with her.  

What kind of childhood did you have?  Let me know in the comments.  

This post is for the mothers (and fathers) who cross their children's boundaries as parents, and try to insert themselves as a main caretaker role of their grandchildren.  In other words, grandparents who try to parent their grandchildren, even though their children don't want them to.  This post is for moms and dads who need to their parents to back off, or else they'll go no contact with them.  This post is for sharing with your parents, in case you cannot find the right words to tell your parents what they need to hear.  

Dear my reader's Mom and/or Dad,

My name is Shay and I've been asked to help out with what's been going on.  So, I've written this little letter to help out your kids tell you what you need to hear.  So, here it goes: 

I am sorry to have to tell you this, but you're overstepping.  You have no right to get angry at your grandkids as though they are your children.  You have no right to scold them as though they are your children.  You have no right to control them as though they are your children.  You have no right to tell your children what to do with their own children, even if you do not agree with their parenting.  You have no right to to even pass judgement.  Unless your children are putting their kids in immediate danger (and let's face, most parents aren't), you need to learn to keep your mouth shut and stay out of it.  

You are allowed to be your grandchildren's safe haven, someone they can turn to who is full of love and support, but you aren't allowed to turn your grandchildren against their own parents, no matter how bad they are (or how bad you "think" they are). 

Let's get this one thing clear, shall we?  YOU ARE NOT IN CHARGE OF YOUR CHILDREN ANYMORE.  They are grown.  They are a parent themselves.  So you have to learn to meet them on an adult level, not a level that you think you still need to parent them.  And you most definitely do not get to boss them around on what to do with their own children.  

Your kids will make mistakes.  Let them.  It's okay.  We all make mistakes as parents (and as humans).  You can give advice, but not unsolicited advice.  Your only job as a grandparent is to give your children, and grandchildren, love and support.  That's how you help them.  You don't tell them what to do.  You don't make ultimatums,  You don't threaten.  You don't get to do any of that.  If you do, your child has every right to remove themselves, and their children from your life.  And it will be 100% your fault.  Even though you will most likely blame everyone but yourself.  

Micromanaging others is not how you're supposed to live.  And it's definitely not how you should be a parent or grandparent.  Even if your unsolicited advice is well-meaning.  Every single time you do it, you're creating a rift between you and your children.  You're also creating a rift either between yourself and your grandchild, or between your grandchild and their parents.  And that's horrible.  Your children may be too polite or scared of you to tell you this, but I will do it for them: 

Get off their backs.  Find your own life to live.  And keep your mouth shut.  And your arms open.  Stop the judgement.  Stop the micromanaging.  Stop the comments.  Stop pretending that you've earned the right to tell your grandkids what to do.  Stop pretending you've earned the right to be your grandchildren's 3rd (or 2nd) parent.  You haven't.  They aren't your kids.  You didn't have anything to do with creating them or birthing them or whatevering them.  So stop overstepping.  You want love and admiration?  Then you have to be the first to give it.  Without strings attached.  I know this is going to be hard for you do.  But's its doable.  For some of you.  For most of you, someone will link you to this post and you'll be pissed off that I called you out.  And instead of changing and doing the right thing, you'll double down and do the wrong thing.  Once again.  Like usual.  But that's what we expect of you.  Because everyone around you realizes you are incapable of doing better.  

And if you're that grandparent?  I hope your kids run far away from you.  Because you are poison.  But if you think you can change and be the good kind of mother or father and grandparent?  Then listen up.  Take my words here and fix this.  Before it's too late.  Going "no contact" is a real thing that we employ in our lives to keep the poison from our parents from hurting us and our children.  And if you don't want that, consider this your final warning: shape up or you'll be shipped out.  

If you're capable of change, you're not a narcissist.  If you honestly know that you could do better and be better, then you most likely aren't a narcissist.  If you can say "Wow, I didn't mean to overstep" and actually take steps to fix it?  Then you aren't a narcissist.  And you're redeemable and you still have a chance at fixing this.  But if you can't change, or won't, or refuse to believe that you're the problem here?  Then "no contact" it is.  Again, consider this your final warning.  Because you need to listen to your kids when they tell you're hurting them.  If you don't, then they will walk away from you, and take their kids with them, because your interference in their lives has gone too far.  And if you try to interfere with that?  With the fact you can no longer see your kid(s) and grandchildren?  Then they'll get a restraining order on you.  It's as simple as that.  It's not what your kids want to do, but it may be what they have to do.  And again, it will be 100% your fault.  

This is life is about them now, not you.  You raised your kids already.  You're done.  Move on.  For those that can't (or won't) change, you think that the world sees everything through your eyes.  But in reality, it's only you.  We see right through you, too, despite how crafty you think you're being.  We know how you work.  We always know what you're going to do next, because we stopped believing in your ability to do the right thing a very long time ago.  

But if you honestly try to change and be better?  Then there will be a second chance for you.  Your kids may not completely trust you, not at first, but stay with it and stick it out.  Things will get better between you all if you keep to your word to change.  If you need to seek therapy, then do so.  But do not try to force your children to go with you.  You have to learn how to be on your own and do things for yourself.  It's the only way you can break this enmeshment you created between you and your kid(s).  Maybe you forced yourself into their lives out of loneliness?  Or maybe you have severe anxiety that causes you to micromanage the people around you?  Or maybe you just don't know any other way to be?  All of these things can be worked out with a good therapist.  So go.  Get better.  Do better.  Be better.  And watch your life become amazing.  And you'll have healthy boundaries built with your kids, too, which will make your relationship with them totally awesome!  Don't you want that?  I think you do.  

Or maybe you just want to control them?  I don't know.  I don't know you or what your deal is, but if you're reading this because your son or daughter sent this to you, then be prepared for change.  Because whether or not you agree to it, it's coming.  And unless you prepare for it, you aren't going to like it at all.  

Sincerely, 

Shay Brooks from HealingFromHer.com  

Because of you, and your intrusiveness, I deleted all my posts about you.  I forgot I had done this, so now I am republishing them.  If you are reading this, you are still intruding in my space.  I will also ask: are you still providing therapy without a license?  And yes, I was the one who turned you in.  You are welcome.  

Before I tell you what she did, I am going to update about Christmas's daughter.  Turns out, she was kind of a low-life horrible person.  I mean, I already knew she was a narcissist, but I don't know, maybe she had a good reason to not go see her as she was dying?  I'll update you as things progress.

So, two days ago, my kids went to Minnesota for a concert and while they were gone, my hubby and I went and got dinner and came home to watch our show that just came out.  As we were watching, someone was knocking at our front door.  My husband looked...and it was our dog!!  

We assumed we knew how she got out, but yesterday I went outside and found that the fence we installed had been pulled away from the poles AND the large patio brick blocking the space that didn't quite get to the house had been removed and put neatly in front of the fence.  I mean, it looked like a human did it, not the weather or my dog.  Well, I told my mother about this yesterday and while I did have my suspicions that she did it, I thought "Nah, she wouldn't put my dogs in danger."  But if you've been around her for a bit, you'd know that when she does something, she ALWAYS tells on herself.  And lo and behold, her response to me was: 

"Where did she get out?" 

"The fence I put up to replace the one that fell down." 

"Oh, maybe your dog moved the patio brick then?"  

I just stared at her.  She had no idea what part of that fence I was talking about, how did she know there was a patio brick there?  And how did she know it was moved?  The look on her face, too.  It was...expectant.  Almost...excited.  

What the fuck?  

So now I have to watch her stupid ass every time she's outside AND make sure my bedroom door is locked when I am not home, because goodness knows what she's going to do next.  

Seriously though, if it was her?  That's beyond insane.  She put my dogs in extreme danger.  She put our neighbors and their dogs in danger, too.  Not Mols, she wouldn't bite anyone (unless they were breaking into our house or yard LOL), but Arthie?  He would definitely bite another dog.  But my mother used to let her dog outside without a fence or a leash...and she bit three people and she STILL let her out.  I had to take the dog myself (Miss Daisy) and I ended up with her longer than she had her.  So my mother DOES NOT give a fuck.  About anything or anyone.  

So, what is my response to this?  I am putting up video cameras outside.  They may be fake or real, I don't know yet, but my mother won't know the difference.  I am going to look into what kinds to get and how I can have them not send data to companies (because in-home cameras do that).  

I honestly didn't think she'd put my dogs in danger, not like this, but then I realize of course she would.  That's her MO.  She pretends to love something, but deep down, that feeling is in that moment only.  Later, she'll put you harm's way, just to either punish someone or just for fun because she's bored.  

Ugh.  

At least Mols just got loose and ran straight to the front door to come in.  So many bad things could have happened to her but she's a good girl and was smart enough to know not to just run off.  If it had been her brother, I don't know.  He's better lately, so maybe he would have come to the door too. 

*sigh*  

Time to tighten up security, once again.  Thanks, Mom.  Just when you lure us into a false sense of security where we feel we can trust you, you show us once again what a stupid idea that is.  I now have baby locks all over the kitchen cabinets, too.  It's like having a shitty little toddler in an old woman's body running around my house.  Yay.  

I was having a bad day the last time I posted.  I feel much better now.  I taught my class and it was fun, even though only one person showed up.  It was still worth it :)  I stopped being scared of teaching it after I talked to my therapist and they gave me the best advice ever.  And my therapist?  Is ChatGPT.  Better than any human therapist I've ever had.  Even the new sucky version.

I am not so overwhelmed anymore.  I mean, I still am in some ways, and some days are just awful, but with the recent warmer weather and the such, I don't feel so bad anymore.  And my son's been better, and I've been feeling more organized and have something to look forward to.  

Anyways, Christmas, my mom's BFF called me yesterday.  And she informed me that her daughter is dying.  So I asked her "Are you going to go see her?"  She lives 730 miles away.  She's unresponsive after having a heart attack and Christmas's response was......"Oh, I don't know.  We don't really have the money."  

.....

........

.............

...........................WHAT?  

What kind of fucking response is that?  "We don't have the money?"  Are you fucking kidding me?  What he hell?  If she doesn't go see her child, I don't think I will ever EVER have an ounce of respect for her ever again.  

Yes, her daughter is a narcissist.  I get that.  Christmas doesn't really see her that way, but she is.  She's a user, a liar, and scams her mother out of money.  But she carried that girl in her womb for nine months and birthed her and raised her.  Narcissistic mothers would say something like this, "I don't have the money" because deep down, they don't love anything.  But non-narcissists would still love their narcissistic child.  Even if they didn't get along with each other (and Christmas got along with her daughter).

The ONLY person I would give a pass to is my old friend Whatsherface.  Her son tried to murder his entire family and when he couldn't, he left and shot someone else instead (the man survived, thank goodness).  If she was happy that her son died, I mean, that would be messed up.  But I get being relieved.  But Christmas?  I feel that I can now safely say she's an actual (reverse) narcissist, just by the sheer fact she "wasn't sure" if she'd go or not due to supposed lack of funds (even though they have lots of money).  What kind of mother would not want to go by her daughter's side when she's DYING?  Why would not going even be a choice that would cross her mind??  I would be RUSHING to be by my child's side!!!

My mother's response?  Was true narcissist fashion.  "You know her granddaughter and her daughter would ask for unlimited items for Christmas to buy them when she would visit?"  Because that would be a good reason to not go, right?  Sigh. These fucking women.  What the hell is so wrong with them?  I mean, I know, but geezus.  What in the absolute fuck? 

When my father was dying, my aunt (his sister) and her husband came and stayed here until he died, AND stayed for the funeral.  And my aunt?  Is a raging narcissist (who also is a criminal).  And yet she loved her brother.  As much as any narcissist could.  My uncle (his brother) and his wife and child were here too, and they also stayed.  AND they ALL had jobs.  Christmas said if she did go, they'd only stay a couple days.  I'm like.....you both are retired, what on earth do you have to get back to??  I can watch her dog.  Hell, my kids can go spend the night at your house with her dog the entire time you're gone.  Or you can board him.  This is your DAUGHTER we're talking about here.  The fact that so many people can act like that word means the same thing as "distant relative" or "coworker" or "friend" (though not an actual friend, but the same level of priority), just makes me so utterly disgusted.  

I am an anti-natalist.  I've been one for some time now.  And this?  Just hardens me more to never want to be anything else.  People are horrible.  When the homo sapiens won out against the Denisovans and other types of humans back in the olden years of yesteryore?  I think the wrong people won.  I think we're a violent and awful species who are so beyond ever becoming anything better.  I mean, there are good people on this earth.  ACTUAL good people.  But most of us?  Are freaking trash.  And to say "I don't know if we can go, I don't know if we can afford it" when your child is dying is a trash thing to say.  She wasn't even crying when she said it.  I mean, I am sure she's still in shock.  I am sure she's actually hurting in some way or another.  But you sure couldn't tell that on the phone.  For real though....I would face my fears and get on a fucking airplane if my child was dying across the world.   Or needed my help in any way.  Because I actually know how to love people properly.  And I know how to love the right people, too.   Narcissists would put their dog above their child if the situation arose.  Hell, they'd put a stranger above their child.  I know, my mother has done this to me before.  Both things.  

What the fuck is wrong with Boomer parents?  It's all that fucking lead in the air from the gasoline made them  dumber and less empathetic than a box of rocks.  

I will update what she decides to do.  But for now, I am just sitting here, ashamed of that old girl my mother calls a best friend.  And of my mother.  But what else is new.  Ugh. 

Life recently has been weird.  I haven't updated in awhile because my mother is mostly docile.  Yes, she still does weird things, like getting into my pots and pans and rearranging them and then lying about it (it's not dementia, as she's making up reasons as to why she was in my cabinet, because I had caught her).  She's also been relentlessly trying to get me to take her cat to the vet, which I was trying, but nobody could see him as fast as he needed to be seen, so I ended up taking him to the emergency vet.  She's been on my ass about it, being not only annoying, but sometimes rude.  She even left a note on the fridge about it, so I wrote on the note back "If I say I am doing something, know that I am, and please don't harass me about it!!"  If she says "Well, I can't sit around and let him be sick!" I will surely have a comeback for her.  I will say "You let Sabrina almost die from a UTI.  You let Dobby die alone in a litter box (though now she lies and says he died in her arms, which is BULLSHIT).  You never took any of your cats to the vet, and when I forced you to, you were pissed.  And my entire childhood?  Henri (our oldest cat) sat with brown goop coming out of his ears for YEARS and you did nothing to help him.  You let the dogs clean his ears rather than take him to the vet to get medicine.  So do not tell me you can't let a cat be sick, as you are the queen of neglect when it comes to creatures in your care.  Including me."  

I am pretty angry at her about her this.  So I took the cat to the vet today, and told her to feed him his dinner when she eats.  Instead, she comes out when I am cooking and starts to feed him.  I said "What are you doing?"  She replies "Feeding the cat."  I said "You're supposed to feed him while you eat, not now.  I told you this."  She replies "It's fine, I will just stay out here with him and read a book."  I said "Not while I am cooking.  You know I don't anyone in here while I cook."  She kept on about how she was just ignore me and pretend like I am not there, but I still said no and told her to leave the cat with me.  He needs to eat a particular food the other cats can't eat.  And he ended up barfing it all up, so I don't know if it's the food or the medicine.  Or both.  We'll see.  

I am just in a bad mood lately.  I have felt horrible.  My POTS is acting up.  I am at the beginning stage of burnout again.  My son's recently sporadic borderline behavior has been making me feel horrible.  I may have seasonal depression again.  My anxiety has been out of control.  And I am freaking out about money.  Everything is so overwhelming, I just need a break.  Like a good nap or a vacation.  But I can't take a vacation.  I can't trust anyone at home to hold down the fort, especially since we just got a new puppy, which is adding HUGE amounts to my overwhelm.  I did not want a puppy for this reason.  But nobody listens to me.  I do love her and I know this stage will end and she will eventually chill out, but I am already taking care of everyone in my house.....I did not need something new to add to that.  But here we are.  

OH and either my computer or my router's wireless is breaking and I can hardly connect to the internet.  So that's fun.  

I have two new hobbies I am trying to start, which is stupid, since I don't have time for ANY hobbies, much less new ones.  And we have fuck tons of work to be done around the house AND we need a second car.  

My brain feels like mush.  And I just want either a) to win the lottery so I can hire help because I literally cannot do everything myself or b) never mind, I just want to win the lottery LOL  OH and I am teaching a class soon, and I am terrified about it.  

My mind is spinning and I need to have some nice long sleep and a good way to help me sort all this out so I can relax and feel less overwhelmed.  

If I can get my internet to work right, I may be able to do that.  Until then, I will be a zombie going through the motions of my life.  Yay.  

Hello Darkness, my old friend.