https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCFZ6af4BHjWU4DENAAUCvVAhttps://www.facebook.com/daughterofanarcissistmother
My mom has a phrase:

"Oh, you think so?" with a squint of her eyes.  As if to say "Oh really?" with an eyeroll. 

You know the conversation is over when she says this.

So I've found a good phrase of my own to use when she's nitpicking my house, or my sleep schedule, or my children, or just about anything and everything:

"I know, right?" then change the subject. 

I will show you how it works:


Mom: Oh wow, you never ripped up that part of your carpet!
Me: I know, right?  How's your dog doing today?

Mom: Oh wow, you never cleaned your porch!
Me: I know, right?  Did Alex get into any of your bread lately? (Alex=cat who steals her bread)

See how ingenious this is?  I mean, she COULD come back with "I was talking about....." but more than likely the chance to talk about her own life will outweigh her need to nitpick. 

We can hope. 

Try it and see it works for you and if so, come back and let me know!

OR if you have your own "phrase of diversion", let me know below :)

Cause you know what?  If you can distract them, you can confuse them into changing their behavior in that moment. 

Good luck!

And Happy Holidays :)
Stop expecting the NPD in your life to ever do the right thing.

Or to think when they do, they do it because they should or "that's who they really are"....no, they do it because it reflects well upon them.  And you're in their good graces.  If they get nothing out of it, they will NEVER do the right thing.  EVER.

I know it sounds harsh, but they won't.  They will ALWAYS choose the most self-serving route possible.

The more I study about narcissism, the more I learn that my ex-husband and ex-mother-in-law are TOTAL narcs.  Different than my mother, but still narcs.

No matter what, throughout our relationship and divorce, he would NEVER do the right thing.  Paying his child support, seeing his kids, it was all a part of his big grand scheme of "If I have to go out of my way and I get nothing in return (cause seeing your kids give you nothing in return), then I will just not do it".  Knowing my kids were not allowed to watch rated-R movies (at ages 3 and 6), he'd allow them to watch the raunchiest shit she could find, JUST to spite me.  See, he got something out of it: he got to be in control.  Even if that control hurt his children (and according to my sexually assault counselor, this was sexual abuse), he didn't care.  He got to go against my words.  I took his world away by divorcing him, so he took his children's worlds and used them to feed his own ego and narcissistic supply.

Narcs WILL NOT go out of their comfort zones to please others.  They will not put themselves out to save anyone but their own asses.

He even spent Father's Day partying with his brother down at his college every year (his brother's birthday) so he could feed this supply (cause girls used to hit on him and he got to be free of his family) while were married.  Every single year, and if his brother's birthday fell on Father's Day, so be it.  He would leave his sick and puking wife at home with a sick and puking baby to out to the bar and play darts.  He would tell me to "quit whining and take care of yourself" when I was sick but his ass would whine more than an abandoned dumpster baby when he was sick.

He would leave his 4 month old child on the couch, where he could roll off, just to bother me for sex (which I never gave him).  He'd basically abandon both of his kids for sleep if I wasn't home with them to watch them.  Try a 1 and 4 year old, alone in an apartment, fending for themselves, while he slept.  He did this every single time he had to watch them.

And when I actually got time off from being a SAHM, which was TWO times in 6 years?  He'd call and bitch and bitch and bitch to me about "when I would come home".  He, my dear readers, was a selfish dick of a man.

He made my husband's life hell too, having to put up with him all throughout the first half of our marriage.  And when my husband finally got to adopt my kids?  His own parents (who are something else....could be a little narcy, or something.....) didn't even give two shits.

But that's a whole other story. 

So, when you expect a narc to do the right thing?  (or if you're stupid like me, expecting it time after time after time after time), just know this:

IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!!!

Like, ever.

ALWAYS expect the worst with them.  So if they DO happen to do something right?  Its a pleasant surprise.  But please don't take that as "they are changing", cause they aren't.  They will eventually go RIGHT BACK to who they were once their "fakeness" wears off.

So yeah, no expectations.  I used to tell my ex, once I caught on "I know you'll always do the wrong thing, so I literally expect nothing out of you.  Nothing.  And you always deliver."

And I was right.

NO EXPECTATIONS my friends, or you'll be let down every, single, time.



So, I kinda feel bad about what I posted yesterday, BUT I also know it was the truth.  My husband read it and said "We are NOT taking her dog."  LOL  Yeah....he'll not be able to say no when the time comes LOL

But today was worse than yesterday with her.  She was yelling, argumentative, and combative, to my children and myself.  She was threatening, and being childish.  It was like shopping with 3 damn kids today, and two of them WERE kids.

I love my mother.  I really do.  And for who she is, not who I expect her to be.  She just frustrates me to high heaven.  She was good for such a long time...okay, like a freaking month and half, now that I count the days.  But that was the longest time ever!  And just like that BAM!!!!  back to her old self.

How lovely for me.

The only issue I have here in my inability to take care of my family, monetarily.  If I could just do that,  I could walk away from when the need arises.  I will not have to fake nice or pretend to be her verbal punching bag.  I could be more adult about the whole thing. 

But I will keep working on that part, and hopefully it will work out...for so many reasons. 

But mostly, so I can be "normal" and not have to subject my family to her ways on a regular basis. 

I know she's dying.  We all are, aren't we?  But she has a slow progressing disease...although I can clearly see the dementia progressing more rapidly than the Parkinson's.  I know she's hurting somewhere deep down inside, somewhere she can't even find herself. 

I know this.  And because of that, I can forgive her and humor her when I need to.  She can't help being narcissistic.  But I also don't deserve any more abuse, either.  And I know there is something on the brink just waiting to happen to us, something wonderful.  So we can be a financially secure family.  And so I can love her from afar when need be. 

Its not healthy, her and I, being in such close proximity all the time anymore.  And I know eventually, she will live with us when she's too sick to take care of herself.  And in an altered state of mind.  But until then, I can have a healthier relationship with her by keeping as much distance as I can between us, even with only a block between us.  I just need something to come thru.

I am gifted at so many things, as is my wonderful husband.  But it just seems we haven't caught a break yet.  We will, we will.  I just hope its soon. 

I am off to bed, good night my friends.  And pleasant dreams.
So here I am, November 11, 2013, and back into the world that is my mother.  The world revolves there.  She just got a new dog.  And at first it was my job to take her out and walk her.  Mind you, I live a block away LOL  But I love the dog, so what can you do?

Now she's more comfortable with it all, but I know my mom.  She gets bored REAL fast and guarantee you I will end up with a new dog within a year.  "Oh its too hard!"  "Oh, I just can't do it anymore!"  Cats are easy for her, you just "let them outside".  Without shots.  Or flea meds.  And hope they come back home.  If not, get a new one.

I feel assholey to say that, but that's how she's been my whole life.  I hope this time is different, but she has no fenced in yard, so I KNOW how this will turn out.

My mom HATES anything she has to work for.  I am 100% serious.  She won't even play one of her games (aka. Seek and Find games) if its timed.  Cause its work.

If she has to try more than 2 times, she's done with something.  She gives up more than any person I know on Earth.

I've had to fight my urges my whole life to not be like her.  My innate self wants to give up.  I get bored and tired of something, but I have learned: anything worth doing will be hard work.  So I've pushed against that wall that is my mother's behavior continuously my whole life.

And YET the times I do give up?  I got scolded for it. 

Then there were times I didn't want to give up, and she gave up for me.  She was bored with me ice skating, something I LOVED and made me quit.  "Its too much money," she'd say.  But my dad worked like 70+ hours a week and had an excellent job and I was an only child.  And our mortgage was $500 for 30 years.  So where did this magical amount of "too much money" for something your child desperately wants to do come into play?  Granted, I may be remembering wrong and maybe I gave up too.....but I know I didn't want to.  I am sure if I did, it was to please my mother.

That's all everything is with her: gaining her approval.  And when you don't?  You clearly know it.

Today I decided to break down a wall I had put up since June and tell her an issue I was having in my life, and she just fucking ignored me. 

Then I went to her house to borrow her car (our is not working right) and she ignored me some more. And I was all upset and hurt. 

Then I said "Whoah!  Hold up!  She can't make me sad anymore.....what the hell?  This was MY fault, I was the one who shared something with her that I knew full well she would not care about." 

And I instantly felt better.  She can't hurt me anymore.  Sure, maybe for a bit, but then I realize I am the one in control, not her.  She doesn't get to make me feel ANYTHING anymore.  Only I do. 

And while I am still doing stuff for her and have her in my life, our relationship is NOT the same in the least.  But I am not the same in the least.  She is.  But I am not, and that's all that matters.

I hope those of you who are going thru the same thing can find the strength to not be that person anymore either :) 

"Just like in chess...the Queen protects the King..."

 Yup.  My life is a chess game, always will be.  I am a pawn, always have been, to the Queen who rules the board.  I am only allowed so much, and she is allowed anything and everything.  But her job is to protect the King, who is also only allowed a minimum amount.  But the Queen, she can infiltrate everything.  

But sometimes...if you're a good enough player and the Queen isn't paying attention, you can win against her. 

But you gotta be quick, slick, and PAY ATTENTION.

But I tell you what.........my life would be so much more fun if I was playing Candyland.
the only person there to protect was my dog.  He was my best friend.  He slept under my crib and growled at people who came into my room.  He walked beside me outside, to keep me away from the road (but when he was alone, he'd run away).  My dog was awesome. 

He was also the same dog that my dad would beat with a belt.  Did my mother ever stop him?  Did she ever yell at him?  Threaten him?  Hit him for it?  Did she ever comfort the dog? 

And supposedly he did this outside in the yard.  Why didn't the neighbors call the cops on him?  Back then though, everyone "minded their own business".  Not ONCE did the cops get called on my family.  But maybe its a good thing they didn't, as I would have gotten the blame for it.

When I think about these things, I think more about my mother's role in all of it than my father.  I've gone my ENTIRE life being angry with my dad and giving him ALL of the blame.  I never once looked at my mother.  I saw her as a victim, just as I was.

But she wasn't a victim.  I personally feel my father drank to deal with his shitty life growing up and his life with her.  I think if she would have been a loving and understanding wife, he could have coped without alcohol.  But she came from a family of alcoholics, too, so drinking was just their thing.

But with her being a narcissist, he drank to deal with that.  He was not allowed to talk to his own family even......she made sure of that. 

I remember them fighting like INSANE people almost every night of the week....sometimes it was only weekends.  And my poor Pepper (my dog) would hid and shake and be scared.  And I would yell at them to "Stop!! You're scaring the dog!!"  But they never listened.  Arguing was more important than being normal.

I don't feel my anger will ever end towards her.  Not until: 1) she apologizes and talks openly about it with me or 2) after she's dead or I stop talking to her. 

Being around her makes me so angry.  It makes me hurt.  She won't even acknowledge anything happened this past summer.  She wants to pretend its all not real. 

:::sigh:::  I don't know how much longer I can pretend.  I thought it would be easy, but its not.  It makes it worse.  I want to bring it up to her, talk to her again, even thought I know it won't help, but it will make ME feel better.

I want to know why she didn't protect my dog.  He was mine...even though he was there before I was born, he was still mine.  I took care of him...and he took care of me.  They did nothing but abuse the poor thing.  I wish he would have bit them both. 

He lived to be 15 years old.  And I still miss him.  And my Beethovan, who also lived to be 15. 

Funny, I just remembered something....he bit my best friend with we were little...he attacked him.  My mother said it was because "Pepper hates men because that kid's brother kicks the fence at him".  But my dog hated men because my father abused him.  THAT'S why he bit my friend.  Not because of them.  She's so great at covering up shit.  Little did she know that secrets never say silent forever. 

And I, little by little, will uncover them all.  Even if that means I have to pretend to be nice when inside I want to scream.
that once I commit them to paper or my blog, I no longer feel them.

My anger has dissipated.  I really don't only want my mother in my life to have her help us.  I just sometimes am so angry, I have no idea how I really feel.  I let it cloud my brain.

I still don't know how I feel.....I just know it was really mean of me to say that.  Or maybe not?  I just don't know. 

my brain is just so confused. 

Maybe one day I'll be okay, but until then...I have this blog :)
Each day is a choice.  Each day is a struggle with her.....whether I talk to her or not. 

Each day I still don't know what to fucking do.

Yesterday she calls for me to come get stuff from her.  I found us both having NO IDEA what to say to one another.  So I do what I always do when nobody talks....I start babbling.

So why am I even talking to her at all? 

Honestly? 

I need things from her. 

I know that sounds assholey.  It sounds douchey and selfish.  But this bitch told her friends I was a whore at 14.  This bitch picked my father's abuse over me and still does.  Fuck her.

Do I still love her?  I don't know anymore.  At least my father was sorry for his abuse.  My mother can't even admit it. 

Do I hate her?  No.  I really don't.  I am angry at her still. 

I thought I could just be okay and forgive her, but as long as she keeps pretending like nothing happened, I will always be angry.  I have no idea how to let that go. 

I wish I was financially well off enough to set her free.  To not let it all go.  But I know I will need her to help us sometime.  And perhaps soon. 

I don't need her approval anymore.  I don't her love.  I am finally over all of that.  I could care less what she thinks of me.  She can call her a whore till the slutty cows home home......I just need her to do what she does best (and always has), help me with my bills. 

I am more angry after I see her than I am if I don't......why?  Cause it brings up EVERYTHING all over again.  When I don't see her, I can fix stuff in my own head.....I can forgive and let go.  But seeing her?  I want to fucking SCREAM at her!  "Why can't you admit you were a horrible mother and still am???"  "Why can't you say sorry to me????"  "Why are you such a fucked up bitch???" 

I don't know how to feel about it all.  But time will happen, and things will come up and things will change.  I don't need to fix it all right now. 

Right now, I just need to find an outlet for my anger rather than stewing in it. 

I just thought it was over.  Turns out....human relationships?  Not so easy.  Not so black and white.  Who knew? 

Its funny though, how I went thru 12 years (and that's not counting the time he was living), with being angry and hurt by my father's abuse, and now every time I think of him I feel absolutely NO anger towards him.  Its so peaceful and surprising.  I never thought that day would come...but here I am, with nothing but love for the guy. 

I hope one day I can get there with my mother, without having her to have be dead. 

But I feel deep down the only way that would happen is for her to admit it all....for her to apologize.  But deep down, I know that can't happen.  And I really really REALLY can't accept that. 

It's not fair....they get to abuse us, and then get to pretend like they didn't, and there's nothing we can do about it.

It's just not fair.

 


 

Today a little baby fell from his high nest in our tree.  He was a baby squirrel.

We tried our damnedest to save him, too.  We put him in a box with snuggly cloth napkins, put a hot water bottle in there to keep him warm, bought and fed him pedialyte, and then eventually bought him a cage and some formula.  But on our way home, our squiggly little active squirrel baby crawled onto his hot water bottle and gently passed away.  There was no indication of internal bleeding, but alas, that was what took his life.


Its horribly, sad, as I remember as a child finding abandoned or attacked baby wildlife, and my mother would tell me "Oh god, just go put it back.  Its just a stupid animal!" 

Now as an adult, I don't have to listen to her selfish words anymore.  I can fulfill my need to take care of those who are helpless to do so themselves, and in turn nurture my children's need for the same.  I can be the mother I never had. 

But today we still lost him.  All our work was not just in vain though as we gave him more than his squirrely family would have in his last hours, as he did not die 1) thirsty, 2) cold, and 3) alone.  I fed him with a dropper, held him, and his water bottle kept him warm.  When we left to go buy him a cage and some formula, I knew we should not leave him alone.  And alas, he passed away in my son's lap in his box. 

He knew he was loved by those who he'd not normally interact with.  I hope we eased his fear a bit, and made him comfortable during those last little moments. 

He wasn't "just a squirrel".  He was Mr. Squeakers.  He was our little guy for a few hours.  We banded together as a family to try to save him.  We had dreams for raising him, and how it would all work.  He was, and still is, important to us.  And now we're planning his funeral. 

But I don't have to listen to that horrid voice of assholeyness telling me "Get that stupid thing out of here!!"  Never once did she help me.  Not once.  She was heartless most of the time.  And still is. 

Unless it benefits her in some way.  

---------------------------------------

UPDATE: Yes, I did talk to her after she sent that letter, I called her on that Friday to tell her "When you're ready to speak the truth, call me".  Instead she waited a week and called to ask about my old cat and for us to come pick up a chair.  So we picked up it, and all she did was ANNOY ME with acting like her old self, not wanting to listen to me at all.  So that was the last we spoke.  I have no need or want to call her. 

I was ready to go back and ignore it all.  But after seeing her and it didn't take 5 minutes to piss me off, I remembered why I can't stand being around her. 

One day at a time, right? 

(this is taken today from After Narcissistic Abuse on Facebook)

If you're waiting for an apology from the narcissist, PLEASE, just let that go now - You'll NEVER get one that means anything. Even if they say the words...they don't MEAN it.

Here's why Narcissists are incapable of ever genuinely apologizing:

1. They don't accept responsibility - it's ALWAYS someone else's fault

2. Power & Control prevents them from truly being vulnerable enough to apologize

3. Their disordered personality construct is designed NOT to tolerate shame / vulnerability. Culpability, personal self blame is required in order to feel both guilty and genuinely sorry.

4. They don't have boundaries. They don't recognize that you are a separate person. If they don't feel the hurt that they caused you, then they think YOU couldn't possibly feel it either; thus preventing them from empathizing enough to offer an apology.

5. Seered Conscience - Narcissists are incapable of answering to a Higher Power, when they believe they're their own higher power (don't listen to them tell you they're a christian - that's just another "image" they pretend to have); thus, they don't have a conscience to appeal to. With NOTHING or NO ONE to convict them of wrongdoing...they're "scott free".

Today I broke my "no contact" with my mother.  She called looking for answers from my cat she has, what disease he had in the past to tell the vet cause he's sick again.  No mention of my previous call which I KNOW she heard my message.

Also, she gave my son a chair, one he wanted from the store, and she went behind his back and bought for herself.  Cause you know, it matched her living room!  That's a good reason to do it, right?
::::sigh::::

She was tired of the chair now, so now she offered it to him.  He's happily using it at the moment while playing his video game on his computer.

I played "nice".  And afterward, while talking to my husband, I came to these conclusions today:

  1. She is not my mother, she is my mom. There is a difference.  A mother holds you and tells you everything will be all right.  A mother helps her daughter become a better woman, and teaches her with care how to navigate the ways of the world.  A mother loves her daughter.  A mother puts her daughter first, over everything and everyone else if the need arises.  A mother will do anything to protect her daughter.  A mother is......everything my mom is not.
  2. My sister in law has Asperger's.  At first, she would piss me off with her inability to say "I love you, too" back when my children would say "I love you!"  She was irritating and I just didn't get her.  Why couldn't she be normal????!!!!  But then realized what was actually wrong with her and now we accept her "as is".  Not like she's a damaged product, but as a human being who's brain is capable of doing the things everyone else does naturally.  My mom is the same.  She is incapable.  I have to accept that, and treat her as so.  I can do as I do with SIL and see the little things she gives us.....and know that our relationship with her will never be normal.  She is 5 years older than my husband, but he's the big brother, because she is mentally younger than him.  My mother is mentally incapable of being nice (without it benefiting her).  And I just have to accept that.  She will never be a real mother, just as my husband will never have a relationship with his sister that he would like.  But instead of having expectations, we need to remember with those who are mentally incapable, our relationships are just "different".  Not wrong or right, just "different".  And we can't hold them up to the same expectations as those who are capable.
  3. I don't have to let her words hurt me anymore, from the past or in the future.  So she told her friends I was a whore at 14 when I was raped....that hurt. Yes it will always hurt.  But in a different way.  Instead of hurting like an open, gaping wound, it hurts like a sore scab.  Its healing, but it still needs time.  When I look at her now, I feel sorrow for her.  I feel that deep down inside she has some sort of pain leftover from our abuse and her abuse alone from her own parents.  One day we might talk about it, or not.  I need to learn to heal alone, and not need her "motherly" form of healing.  Cause I'll never get it, this I know.  So if she says something in the future?  I will see her as a mentally handicapped person instead of a person capable of saying and doing the right things.  I want to be able to laugh it off and just roll my eyes and walk away.  Like how you'd treat a person with dementia.....if they do something mean or say something mean, you just say "Okay, let's talk about something else instead" and giggle at them, knowing they do not realize what they say.
I have more, but I am tired and have an article to write :)

But yes, but now I know, from all this time away from her, how to stand up for myself and distance myself (which I still will).  I don't now how this will go, but NPD means it will be a rocky road.  Just like always.

But not as much as last time....because we can't go back to the way things were.  And in the future I still may want no contact, but until then, this is where I am.

Peace out, my friends.  And good luck.
I got this in my inbox today and I just love it!  So I wanted to share it with you all:

When you first have the N-realisation, you will typically find that you enter a period of an absolute roller-coaster of emotions. 

The first thing you’ll feel is elation. It’s not you, you’re not crazy. There is such freedom and relief in that that you might feel nearly giddy with it. 

But then might come a sense of desolation. You have to realise, once and for all, that she never loved you, and that is a very, very hard thing to accept. You may well experience grief as much as if she had died - and in a way she has, in that your image of her as nice and loving has died.
And then guilt might rear its head. How could you possibly think so badly of your mother?? Your own mother! How horrible and ungrateful a daughter are you...
And then euphoria might come back, as it hits you again how it was not you, that you are not crazy, and that you are now free from a lifetime of those lies.
And then sadness maybe ... grief for that little girl and young woman that you were, who believed all the lies and who wasted so many years.
Anger, and even rage, will no doubt rear up too. Fury maybe. How dare she treat you like that? How dare she abuse you (for that's what it was, make no mistake)? You might even have fantasies and dreams of inflicting violence on her.
More guilt then - how can you be so angry at your own mother?
And fear for the future - what now, for your relationship with her? Will you stay in touch, or will you leave the relationship? Each of those is a big decision, with massive implications, and that can be overwhelming at this time.

If you're Christian you might butt up against the issue about honouring your mother and father, and be buried in that dilemma. Is thinking this about your mother dishonouring her?
And then hope might raise its head - maybe you're wrong! Maybe if you try just a tiny bit harder, you can sort it out with her, earn her love, get a proper relationship with her.
Despair is another ingredient in this roller coaster too. How can you possibly heal from all the fallout of this? How can you ever reclaim all the things that should have been your birthright, such as self-esteem and confidence?
Well, the good news is that a huge part of what I'll be sharing with you in this Guidebook will be the answers to the above dilemmas, and we'll go through each of them in the coming weeks. For now, though, here's the solution:
  • Take deep breaths. Literally. Every time you feel yourself getting overwhelmed or stressed by this, consciously take at least ten deep breaths. When we're stressed we breathe from our chest, and phsyically doing the opposite of that, i.e. breathing from our diaphragm, calms us.
  • Try EFT. I'll be going into more detail about how to use it on these issues in the coming weeks, but for now, just Tap when you feel stressed, without saying anything, and note how it calms you.
  • Know that this will pass. It's a process, not a situation. You're not doomed to live in this chaos and confusion forever.
  • Accept the roller-coaster. Don't try to fight it. You are processing huge stuff here. You're changing your very paradigm, or world-view, of how life is, and who you are. That's massive work all by itself - of course it's going to cause upheaval. So don't try to fight that.
  • If at all possible don't do any other big life-change stuff while this process is going on, say for three months or so. So if you can avoid moving house, changing jobs etc, then do so. You don't need more stress right now.
  • Accept all the feelings. Don't berate yourself for having them. They are what they are, just accept them. Try to observe them if possible - that stops them being so overwhelming. Observe them and accept them without swimming in them. This technique can take practice, but it's very much worth doing.
  • If you have a partner, ask him/her to support you during this time. They don't have to understand what's going on (there's more information later in this program on that), just to accept and support you. The same goes for adult children. If you have younger children then it's not appropriate to burden them with this, just try to put on a brave face for them as much as possible.
  • Be kind to yourself. Give yourself little treats such as a nice walk, a hot bath, a couple of hours to read a novel and so on. Being nice to yourself might seem very challenging and just WRONG, so don't do it if it causes more stress. But if at all possible, nurture yourself at this time. 
  • Acknowledge, applaud and maybe even celebrate your courage. You're facing up to something most people can never bring themselves to do, i.e. the fact that your mother/parents were abusive. Be proud of that.
As I said, we'll be visiting these issues, and more, as the course develops.
All best, Danu

I will post more on my own roller coaster later, but if you've been reading, I have to let you know she hasn't called yet :)
Yet another letter, after I had written to her and she had to play it off as if it was childish by saying "I am done being your penpal now", yet she can send me another letter. 

So I called her, whipped out her old letter I never discussed with her so I can get some clarification on it, but she wasn't there.  So I left a message saying "The truth will set us free, Mom, when you're ready to speak the truth, call me". 

That will probably piss her off, she wants me to forget any of this ever happened.  Its the first time she's being held accountable for ANYTHING in her life, so we'll see. 

If she gets angry with me or demeans me when she calls, I will politely say "I have to go now, so when you're ready to be more understanding to me, call me back."  I will set boundaries with her.  I will say everything in "I" statements as in "I feel __________ when I hear you say this" or "When you did this, it made me feel ________", rather than accusing. 

The NUMBER ONE THING you never do is accuse a narcissist.  They will shut down and turn off. 

Or they will become abusive back to you. 

So in order to get anywhere with them, you have to use "I" statements.  Does it work?  Have no clue, haven't tried it yet, but I'll let you know. 

I get PUMPED up with adrenaline when I am up for a fight (or a confrontation), so my fingers are shaking as I write this.  I need to go jump around to shake it out! LOL 

But yeah, I am ready for this.  My therapist told me how to handle it, and now I will use her advice and see how it goes.  I feel prepared, rather than angry.  I will hold her accountable without accusing. 

I will not back down. 

I will not give him and pretend everything is fine. 

The #1 thing I want clarification on in her letter is "Ever since you were a little girl, I thought you were happy.  You never let me know anything was wrong."  What the fuck does that mean?  Did she not live my life with me?  Was she not there?  How could having an abusive father (and mother) be okay in ANYONE'S book? 

But she's crazy.  I can't hold her to the same expectations as a normal person, because she's not capable of normal.  Neither is my ex. 

I will be calm, not get over emotional, and if she brings up my outburst when I was at her house, I will politely tell her "I had every right to fly off the handle, you said you'd always pick your husband, the one abused me, over me, your daughter.  That was just a bad move on your part, and not a 'good mother' thing to say."  That might make her crazy mad, but its true.  And if she can't handle the truth, she's not ready to talk. 

But I am.  I will be here waiting for her call.  And I know this might take a long, long time, and may never actually be finished.  But in the meantime, I will do my healing and work on me.  If she continues to say abusive things to me, I will say "I'll call you in a few weeks to see if you've calmed down, and if you haven't, well, we can just call it quits.  I will not tolerate lies or abuse anymore."

I'll write again later when she calls back.

Till then........
I have a plan. 

I am going to call and leave a message when she's not at home.  That way I can say "You keep telling people to have me call you, but you have to understand why I won't."

Or I can email her. 

But she's not checking her email...as her computer is broken. 

I have too much to say though, for just a message on her voicemail.  So I guess I need to write it all down, and then cut it real short. 

Because while I have all of these things I want to say....none of it will make a difference. 

But its so hard to accept that. 

So many things left unsaid.  So many things.

But saying them won't change her.   She will never take actual responsibility for her actions.  She will never acknowledge my pain or my suffering, not in the way I needed her to.

I say "needed" because I no longer feel I need her to "mother" me anymore.  I don't need her nurturing, as she never has nurtured me.  I can finally accept that and realize it and let it go. 

I am still angry, yes.  But that will fade with time and with working on my healing. 

I never let myself feel angry in the past 8 years or so...well, not for these things.  8 years ago she was still pissing me off at every corner, as I used to live with her when I left my ex-husband.

She was still drinking heavily at that time as well. 

I just have nothing left for her anymore.

I just feel that because I haven't made it clear to her that I am not going back on this, that things will never be the same between us, and somehow she thinks it will be, I feel that loose ends haven't been tied up.  That I am "leaving her hanging". 

I can't further my healing feeling this way.  I need to tell her.  But in the most clear and concise way possible.  No complicated conversations, nothing to for to come back at me with.  Because if she does, I will still be stuck in this revolving door of crap.

She will say "Well the ball is in your court", which she said after I already said I was done with her the last time.  I just want her to leave it all alone and let me heal. 

But I am tired of her telling people (or leaving me messages) "You can call me!"  No mom, I will not call you and chat with you.  I have nothing to say. 


Maybe I'll leave a message, maybe I won't. 

But I am sticking by my choice no matter what.  And I mean no matter what.

Because like I've said in many blogs past, I am worth more than that.


If you have your story to share about your narcissist mother (your experiences, or how you are working on healing, or anything), please let me know. 

I can keep you anonymous or you can put your name on it.  I think its very important that we share our stories so we realize just how common this issue is.  And so we can see we aren't alone in this.


You can message me at girllostblogger@yahoo.com

 


I got the idea for this blog post from a blog I read today:

"Like a dog that always comes home to the master no matter how the master regards the dog".
Like a dog that always comes home to the master no matter how the master regards the dog. - See more at: http://emergingfrombroken.com/my-mother-doesn%E2%80%99t-love-me-and-the-process-of-grieving/#sthash.v8LlB7de.dpuf
Like a dog that always comes home to the master no matter how the master regards the dog. - See more at: http://emergingfrombroken.com/my-mother-doesn%E2%80%99t-love-me-and-the-process-of-grieving/#sthash.v8LlB7de.dpuf
Like a dog that always comes home to the master no matter how the master regards the dog. - See more at: http://emergingfrombroken.com/my-mother-doesn%E2%80%99t-love-me-and-the-process-of-grieving/#sthash.v8LlB7de.dpuf
Like a dog that always comes home to the master no matter how the master regards the dog. - See more at: http://emergingfrombroken.com/my-mother-doesn%E2%80%99t-love-me-and-the-process-of-grieving/#sthash.v8LlB7de.dpuf
Back when I was a kid, my dad, while drunk, would take out his belt and run after our dog and hit him.  I don't know why my mom allowed it, but maybe it was because he wasn't hitting her that she didn't mind?  She let him come after me, so why not a dog, right?

But anyways, my point is to say, that my dog didn't hold that against my dad.  My dog loved my father.  But my dog did attack my best friend (who was a guy) and hated all other men.

But he loved my dad. 

He always came back to him for love, for nurturing.  And he got it.  My dad didn't always hit him.  Just when he was in a certain kind of drunk mood.  Other times, my dad would wrestle him on the floor (once my dad got stuck in the splits because he was wasted and tried to wrestle our big 'ol dog, but his legs split apart and WHAM hit the floor!  It was kinda amusing at the time).

But my dad still abused him. 

So, all of these years that my mom and I had "such a great relationship" (as everyone says), was just me being a dog, running back for more nurturing.  But the opposite always happened: I didn't get it. She was never proud of me (only in front of my husband she'd act like I did something right).  She never gave me proper advice.  Hell, she never listened to me. 

She'd interrupt.  She'd ignore and act like I wasn't even talking.  Or she'd just walk out of the room. 

I'd love to have a fucking hat-cam and go talk to her about everything, just to show everyone I am not crazy, she is. 

But I am no longer that dog, running back for acceptance and love.  I allowed her to treat me badly all of these years.  When I don't let her, I get slapped in the face, just as I did 8 years ago when she told me I was a pervert for sleeping next to my boys (we had left their father and were living with her...my boys were 3 and 7 back then).  I told her to shut up and I was sick of her saying that (it was an ongoing thing with her) so she got up and slapped me.  I slapped her back, and she told me I was "crazy and insane for slapping my mother".  Never mind the fact she slapped me first for no reason. 

I could call her today, as she came by my book sale while I was inside and asked my husband for me to call her.  I could call her tomorrow.  But why?  I am not a German shepard/collie mix seeking attention from my abuser.  I don't need her attention.  She has nothing for me anymore.  There is nothing left to say. 

I want to scream at her again.  I want to yell at her and say "WHY DID YOU SAY THAT TO ME THE LAST TIME?????  THAT YOU'D CHOOSE MY FATHER OVER ME EVERY TIME???? WHEN HE ABUSED YOUR CHILD???"  But what will that do?  All I am doing is seeking more abuse by saying anything to her, because that's exactly what she'll give me. 

I loved my dog and miss him like crazy.  He was awesome.  He used to sleep under my crib to protect me and growl at anyone who came into the room.  He also used to walk with me outside when I'd get out into the front, and not let me cross the street.  He was the only protector I had when I was little. 

He died at 15 from cancer.  Even thru my father's abuse, he NEVER once turned on me.  He never growled at me, and when there were storms, he'd seek my bed for comfort.  This really makes me want to cry when I think about what my poor dog had to put up with.  He was big enough to take my dad out, but never once so much as snarled at him.

I am sorry Big Boy, you had to endure my father's abuse.  But I've learned from you that I will not go back for more, even if she is "my mother".  She has never been a real mother, she doesn't even know what that means.  So I don't even like calling her that. 

But I loved my dog.  He was my one and only real friend and real family back then.  My entire family is self-absorbed and jerky.  I miss him everyday, and when I find a pic of him, I will post it :) 

He was more than a dog, he was special.  He was my Big Boy.  Anyone that abuses a dog or lets a dog gets abused does not deserve to claim ownership of him.  So I hereby declare him as only my dog :) 

But that blog and my dog, taught me a very valuable lesson:  I will not seek love out where love obviously does not live.  Its like stalking an abusive ex who never loved you.  Its says more about you than them.  Do you really want that kind of "love"?

But if you are strong enough to realize this?  (and you are)  You can see that you are not a dog, you are a human being deserving of love and deserving of respect.  Dogs also deserve that, but the poor babies don't know any better.  Yet we do.  We can realize just how abusive someone is and walk away from it.  Its not easy, but its easier for us than it is for dogs.  And that says something, doesn't it?

We are capable of putting ourselves first when we need to, and if you are in the same boat?  You need to.  I need to. 

Not just us, but our families, too.  Grandma can rub off on them, and that's a fate worse than diarrhea!  I shudder at the thought.....but it happens.  I am dealing with that right now, actually.

But you?  You can rise above the idea that just because people are your parents, it doesn't make them the "end all be all" or even worth giving another chance if you don't want to.  The word mother literally means "she had sex and you popped out of her vagina" (or in my case, they paid money to adopt me).  But if they can't BE your mom?  Then they aren't.  Having sex or adopting you doesn't give them a license to treat you like shit. 

Would you accept that behavior from a spouse or friend?  NO.  Then she can't do it either. 

Simple as that. 

Dogs are loving creatures.  And blindly obedient.  Now is the time to work on us stopping our blind obedience. 

Open your eyes....what do you see?

You need to heal and work on you.  And I need to work on me. 

So many websites and Facebook pages for help with the recovery from narcissistic abuse are very anti-narcissist. 

Its really sad to see these people so filled with hate and rage towards their abusers. 

I get it.  I totally get it.  Some narc's are are vile, despicable, and "evil" people.  Some do horribly abusive things that deserves jail time or might classify them as as sociopath or psychopath. 

But the word "evil" would suggest there is a choice.  And narc's don't choose what they do.  Whether its learned behavior or born, it doesn't matter, they don't choose it.

Its a mental illness or disorder, just like being bi-polar.  You can't blame a bi-polar person for their behavior, right?

You can't blame an NPD person either, well, to a point. 

There is a point where when they can accept their diagnosis and work on changing their reactions and behavior.  Or can they?  I think some can. 

My mother?  I will say no, only because I don't want to hold onto hope that she can change. 

But I don't hate her. 

She was a pretty terrible mother, and really wasn't a mother at all.  Her actions were sometimes out of love, but mostly out of selfishness.  She's not a full-blown narc, so there are some normal actions and behaviors she has.

But most of what she says (and still says, as per her friends tell me) are either lies, condescending, or just plain ignoring.  She's still making up these little "white lies" to make herself look better, and now her friends can actually see it.  They question her, whereas they didn't before. 

I can't hate her, but I don't love her either.  I feel like I should have love for her because I call her "mother", but she's not one.  So where is the love supposed to come in?  I wish her well in life and even though I can't hate her (or my ex, or my ex-MIL), I don't have to subject myself to any more abuse.  I sound like a broken record here, but I need to remind people of this fact: you do NOT need to subject yourself to their abuse, even if they are family. 

You owe it to yourself to heal and find out who you are without the narcissistic in your life, because more than likely you are who they have molded you to be (with you fighting against it).  I owe it to myself and my family as well. 

Family means nothing, unless they act like family.  That is my motto.  Always has been, and always will be.  The only time this DOES NOT apply is when the person is your child.  If your child is a narc, you can still love them and help them, but also not be subject to their abuse.  When I find out some articles or websites that can help with this (How not to be a Victim of Narcissistic Abuse), i will definitely post them.  If you google it and find some good info, please post it.  I did find a new page someone suggested to me that I will post on my "links" page (when I get it up). 

So to make a long story short, you can heal without hating your narcissist.  Its not necessary.  Hate has no place in this world and is not a natural way to live.  Anger, yes, but hate?  It only hurts you. 
....I will not automatically dial my mother's number when I start a phone number off with a "3".

....I will be able to walk thru the stores I shopped at with her and not feel a pang of sadness.

....I will not automatically look at her house when I drive by (or maybe I can just stop driving by??--its hard when she's a block away).

....I will not worry about holidays and how it will work while not having her in my life (do I call her to say "Happy Birthday?" or any other holiday?)

....people will stop expecting us to "work it out".

....I will stop having anger towards her.

....I will stop remembering what I lost.

....I will learn who I am without her influence.  This part will take the longest, but I am ready. 

....I will become fully and wholly me. 

 


Last night, my therapist says I can have a relationship with my mother, I just have to set boundaries.

Like, if she gets condescending or crappy, just hang up on her.

I told her though "every word she says is laced with lies and condescension, I can't really hang up on her every moment we speak." 

She said "Just set boundaries." 

I said "But you don't understand.  This will take years of not talking to her at all so I can heal first.  I cannot heal if I have any conversation with her at all.  If she makes me angry to hang up on her, then I will be angry again, and not healing.  I need no contact with her." 

She said yes, but when I am ready......

But, will I ever be ready?  Nothing she says to me ever again will feel "normal".  I can't trust her.  I can't believe her.  I can't listen to her speak without taking each word and picking it apart for lies and condescension. 

So, my ultimate question is: who does it benefit to have a relationship with her? 

Who does it benefit?  Me?  Not in the least.  Her?  Yes. 

So even if I don't talk to her for years, what will having a relationship with her do for me in the future?  Will she "be my mother?"  Will she fulfill that role?   No, never.  She will never ever fulfill that role for me.

So what, then?  Why would I want my mother in my life if she can't be my mother?

Maybe one day I can see her as an acquaintance or something similar, but right now, I am still mourning the loss of a mother. 

I am still angry.  I am still in shock.  I am still sad. 

And I will be for a very long time.

And having any kind of relationship with her in the future will only benefit her and relationships are supposed to be 2-way streets and I don't play that way anymore.  I used to sit and let people walk all over me, but for the past few years, I've learned to stand my ground and speak my mind.  And with her, it will be no different. 

Even if she thinks she's my mother.  


UPDATE 2021: I don't have a relationship with her.  I do live with her, but I refuse to infuse myself with her in the least.  And I was absolutely right about everything I said above.  100%.


I got this from Narc-ology on Facebook:

A Big Bag of Nuts, Narcissist in a Nutshell (Part 1)

July 20, 2013 at 11:52am
The research is still up in the air, is NPD an inherent trait, a product from childhood, or both.  NPD is a personality disorder that is usually symbolized by a man or woman looking in the mirror.  If you ask someone who has never intimately known a narcissist, they may say someone who possesses an extreme amount of self-love.  Ironically, the Narc wants you to believe they are confident and love who they are.  Totally not the case.   The DSM V lists the following as criteria for being diagnosed as NPD.

1.  Identity: Excessive reference to others for self-definition and self-esteem regulation; exaggerated self-appraisal inflated or deflated, or vacillating between extremes; emotional regulation mirrors fluctuations in self-esteem.
2. Self-direction: Goal setting based on gaining approval from others; personal standards unreasonably high in order to see oneself as exceptional, or too low based on a sense of entitlement; often unaware of own motivations.
3. Empathy: Impaired ability to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others; excessively attuned to reactions of others, but only if perceived as relevant to self; over- or underestimate of own effect on others.
4. Intimacy: Relationships largely superficial and exist to serve self-esteem regulation; mutuality constrained by little genuine interest in others’ experiences and predominance of a need for personal gain.
5.  Grandiosity (an aspect of Antagonism): Feelings of entitlement, either overt or covert; self-centeredness; firmly holding to the belief that one is better than others; condescension toward others.
6. Attention seeking (an aspect of Antagonism): Excessive attempts to attract and be the focus of the attention of others; admiration seeking.

The narcissist lives in the land of pretend.  They are in a permanent identity crisis.  The root cause has not been identified, however, I suspect nurture with the propensity to be NPD from nature.  They constantly stay in their “safe place” where they don’t have to face the truth. The stay in a permanent identity crisis, they have no clue who they really are.  They boast about themselves, but on the inside they are insecure as hell.  The only thing that matters is the reflection and attention shone on them by others.  Everyone is a mirror. They want attention 24/7 and will compulsively compete against anyone, including a baby, to get it.  Their feelings and rights are all that matter.  They want the respect, honor, courtesy, gratitude, credit, encouragement, love, cheer, trust, apologies, sympathy, fidelity and admiration.  However, they give back nothing.   They deny everyone around them the right to be a human being.  They get it all and everyone else gets none.  Compare them to a drug addict trying to get a fix.  I dare you to go take the last bit of heroin from someone who has no money to get more.  I probably won’t hear from you again.  Instead of heroin, the narcissist’s drug is attention.  They will do anything, so they get it all and you get nada.

 Beyond anything you ever imagined they have ill will towards people who are not even a threat to them.   They are hostile and bitter towards everyone, including children.   For example, imagine if you thought of everyone in the world like you do your ex.  That is what they feel.  They have an unwarranted hatred towards everyone. They want to feel like God, superior to all beings.  They can only feel like this if everyone is beneath them.  No one can threaten their superiority. Do they believe their own lies?  They not only believe them, they are living one big lie.   It is one big illusion.  They must always be greater, cuter, smarter, more popular, etc.  That is why their life is so hectic. It is a constant race to get what they want from those who have it.  They are envious of everyone but pretend everyone is envious of them.

The narcissist lives in constant fear of being exposed.  They would rather die than face their inner self.  If you were that sick would you want people to know?   People ask all the time if they are the narc.  They give unjustified reasons why they think it might be them, usually because they were made to feel that way by the narc.  That is how it’s pretty easy to comfort their fears.  Narcs don’t look inward.  They don’t face the demons in their non-existent soul.  They avoid being alone most of the time to deter facing the truth.  Self-reflection is healthy and usually happens in solitude.  A Narc refuses to self-reflect so they must keep their mind busy all the time. Too much time alone and bored may mean that little voice in their head talks to them.  They don’t want to hear it ever.  For example, when I left my Narc, he spent every day and night in a casino gambling.  Since he didn’t have a new target yet, this prevented him from facing himself.

A narcissist has no shame and no guilt.  They will bring down a husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, child, coworker, or friend anytime anywhere.  They don’t even have to be provoked.  If that person has something they want they will say or do anything to get what they want.  Their need to believe they are God supersedes their conscience. (If they even have one) They believe they are superior.  Everyone is insignificant in their eyes; similar to if we pour poison on an ant pile and never think twice about it.  Unless you are idolizing them, making them feel superior, they have no need for you.   It’s easy for them.  All they need is their big mouth and evil ideas.  They will do this without a second thought because it is all about their script in life and what they want.
In short, they are predators.  They want it all and will never settle for not getting it.

Manipulating people is what they do best.   Type on your keyboard, walk to the kitchen, ride a bike, I’d bet you are not constantly thinking about what you are doing.  You are not saying in your head, “pick up foot, bend knee, lean forward, put foot down, etc.”  This is a natural learning.  Manipulation is natural learning for Narcs.  That is why they are so good at it.  Anyone can learn how to do what they do if they want to be evil but they will never be as good at it.  How did they get so good?  Practice, Practice, Practice.  They have been practicing since birth.  They subtly control your mind.   They are so good at it they can fool psychiatrists and pass lie detector tests.  Nothing is the truth, all a big show in their game of pretend.   The only thing altered is fine tuning the manipulation to each person they encounter.   They watch everything you do, listen to every word you say and mold their manipulation to you.  They are interested in your reactions, not you.  They could care less about half the things you tell them, it’s filtered out.

You might think, wow they are smarter than I thought. Um no.  My ex was a dumbass.   Just like walking, manipulation doesn’t take a genius.   Observant and perceptive, maybe, but they don’t have to have an IQ of 120 to do this.  It is how they have survived all this time.  

My delusional self almost wants to believe that narcissism is one big secret.  Considering that 1 in 25/28 people are Narcissists, how in the world have so many of us never heard this exists.  Smart, educated people, fooled by them, partly because we had no clue.  I am fairly sure you have told someone you were involved with a narcissist and you got the, “Dang you’re bat shit crazy” look.   This is why we need to get the word out, educate the public, and hopefully change their attitudes.  I don’t know about you, but having these people in positions of authority scares the hell out of me.  Luckily, predators can be scared away fairly easy, if you know they are predators.  If the second they take a step towards you they see you are wary, they will move on to an easier prey.  That is why we need to educate so no one will be “easy prey” and they can’t take advantage of anyone, thus preventing them from ruining the lives of everyone they come in contact with.   This is real and it’s spooky, and if I wouldn’t know any better, I’d think they were dropped here from another planet.
I climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Mmm Mmm...

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too"

This song is where I am at.  I took my love for my mother, and I took it down.  I've climbed mountains my whole life and just when I thought I would get to the point where I'd find me, I'd get a reflection of who I was, my mother (aka The Landslide--the destructive force in my life) would bring me down.

Oh, force that makes our world what it is (God, Energy, etc.), what IS love?  If a mother's love is not constant and unwavering, then what is love at all?  How can we learn to love without the most primal of loves to teach us the right way?

Can the child inside of me rise above all of this?  Can I rise against this destructive force that's always been there in my life?  Can I sail past it all while everything around me is changing?

The seasons of my life....adulthood, to survive without my mother?  Cause I HAVE been afraid of changing, cause I did build my life around her: totally and completely.

But now, time has surely made me bolder and that child inside of me who she thought abusing was fun, is now certainly older.....and the adult in me is older too.  Because choosing to change....choosing a life of hard over a life of easy, when hard has a better outcome?  That's real change.  So yes, I am older, and I am choosing to survive without her.  I can rise above all of this. 

Today my son and I drove past her house because he has a hard time pulling into our driveway from our alley the one direction, so we had go around the block, and there she sat with her bigmouth friend and I didn't even really care.

I wasn't angry about it, it just showed me where her head is at.  And I don't need to be a part of it anymore.  Each day tells me "You're making the right choice.  Even if it does feel foreign and unfamiliar." 

One day at a time.  Fake it til you make it, right?  So just act like its normal until it feels normal, and eventually, it will be normal.

Do I love her?  I don't know how I can when its all been a lie.  Am I thankful for what she's done for me in my life?  I don't know.  I am numb.  I feel nothing. 

But I know I am right and I am doing the right thing. 

Just one day at a time.



life really feels real.

We had to use our last $28, didn't even get all the tiny little bit of food today that we needed for the rest of the week to eat, and now we're 100% broke. 

Fuck.

Then my mom calls me and leaves a message and says "ComEd called and left you a message, I saved it for you.  You can call me back you know."

Its like 1) she's acting like I should have called her already, as if everything is okay and 2) now she knows we're having fucking electricity issues for payment.

So, she's going to think we need her and will come running back. 

Well guess what?  Not gonna do it.

Yes, it would be easier to fake nice and have her pay my bills.  But what then?  Act like nothing ever happened?  Let her walk all over me for another 36 years? 

:::sigh:::  I just can't do it this time. 

Its like leaving my marriage when I was married to the narcissist.  I wanted to leave him over and over again, but it was just easier to stay.  It felt wrong to leave.  Like in the pit of my stomach. 

Every time I've ever been angry with my mom, we'd just pretend it didn't happen and go back to the usual crap, and it would start all over again. 

But just like the day I left my ex......I knew it was right.  There was no question. 

And now?  I know this is right.  It feels 100% right.  Actually, going back to the "same 'ol same 'ol" with her feels wrong in the pit of my stomach. 

And....I always trust my gut.  It has never steered me wrong, ever. 

I knew the guy I babysat for when I was fourteen was bad news.  I felt it.  And what did he do?  He tried to come in my house on night, drunk, after walking me home (which I did not need him to do).  He also grabbed my ass. 

I knew my uncle was a bad guy.  And I still think he was.

I knew a certain job I applied for was just BAD NEWS and had to get the fuck outta there!  And later they got arrested and kicked out of town.

My gut?  Its always right.  It lets me know when its time to go, when its time to stay, when its time to get the fuck out.

And my gut says right now "Don't give in.  Don't fall back into that same miserable hole.  Don't go backwards, only forwards." 

And I am listening to it. 

She called today, and I didn't answer.  I don't know if I ever will.

Am I wanting to call her out on her shit?  Yes.  But when I really, really think about it, do I really?  No. 

I know nothing she says is the truth.  I know nothing she says will change the way I feel.  I know nothing will ever change. 

And while I want an explanation for telling her friends it was okay I was raped at 14 because I was a whore (even though I never had had sex before, but hey, I guess that constitutes sluttyness in her book).  And while I want her to grow the fuck up and leave my 15 year old son out of all of this.  And while I want an apology for her neglect and abuse.  It will all never happen.  She honestly thinks I was happy my whole childhood.  That I had this happy-go-lucky childhood that was more like torture than anything resembling fun. 

So it doesn't help when she calls.  I just wish she'd leave me alone and never bring me up to her friends again or her family again, ever.  I know it won't happen, there will be talk, and I will run into someone one day who will say something stupid, but I can handle myself. 

I have handled my own life since I was a child.  I know how to protect myself and do what I need to do. 

I just need to heal, instead of feeling all of this crap that I am still angry about.  But then again, that is how you heal.  To feel the crap and whatnot.  To feel it until its all been felt and brought to the surface and remembered, acknowledged, and let go. 

Its a process. 

But when you're broke, no money for more food, or to pay your electric bill, you sometimes wish it could be that easy to just ask for it. 

But really?  Deep down inside.....it feels good not to ask her.  It feels good even to fail, as long as failing is done so without any judgment from anyone, nobody to answer to.  Nobody to say "wow, can't you do anything right?" 

It feels good. 

I can get used to this feeling.  I really like it :)
I am going to let you all in a secret:

I...................am a whore.


I just found this out yesterday.

Actually, I've always known it.  Since it was a favorite of my father's names to call me.

I thought I left this part of my life behind me, now being 36 and with growing children and with my husband for 8 years, my previous marriage for 6.

But yup.  I am still a whore.

Apparently, I was a slut at 14.  WHO KNEW????!!!!

Wow.  I had no clue.  I wasn't even sleeping with anyone that age, I was a child.  But I guess you can be a slut even when you're not doing it!!

According to my mother, that is.

At 14, I was raped by my 18 or 19 year old boyfriend of 3 weeks, you know, the one my PARENTS let me date and go places alone with in his truck??  And its never been a source of shame until now.

When my mother had her neighbor read my letter out loud in front of other neighbors, what was said afterward was not told to me until yesterday.

Apparently, when that part was read, she asked my mother "She was raped??"

My mother's reply was to roll her eyes and say "She was sleeping with everyone!"

Um, no I wasn't.  I was a child.  With a man-aged boyfriend who knew what sex was and how to take it from a child.

This made me sick all day yesterday.  But it also cemented my knowledge that giving her up forever is now what is my plan.  It was always my plan, but I felt guilty thinking of her alone on holidays and whatnot.  I hoped I wouldn't cave in, and deep down inside I DON'T want a relationship with her, but somehow I still answered the phone one day and acted nice to her.  What's wrong with me?  But now, its kind a relief she did this  Because saying THAT???  That was beyond fucked up.  I just have to keep reminding myself that this is who she is and she is NEVER going to change. 

So either I am a liar or I deserved to get raped, which is it?  Either way, she left that out of my letter I got back from her explaining how sorry she was about letting her neighbor read it out loud because she "forgot about the rape part" and that she is sad I never told her because "I understand more than you'll ever know".  Oh, so now my mom was raped too?  With 1 in 3 women in this world having been raped or molested, I can see how it could happen.  BUT for her to say it now?  Its like "Oh look, I was raped too!  Feel bad for me!!"  Sure mom.

I can't believe ANYTHING she says, she's a total liar, so I have no clue if this really happened.  And guess what?  Don't care either.

You wanna tell your friends I was a WHORE at fourteen years old?  Well, fuck you.

You just sealed the fate of our relationship.

I can't even wave at you anymore or say hi or answer the phone.  I am done.

I think I will get my numbers changed, too.

And we are packing to eventually move soon.

I don't know where we will be going, but anywhere is better than a block away from my mom.

Cause know, with me being a whore and all.

It would be one thing if she told people I was a slut at that age for no reason, but to use that as a reason for me getting raped????

I will say it again, that is beyond fucked up.

Who does that?

I guess the world is telling me "stay away from her, don't go back" over and over again.  I just need to listen.
My hubby and I picked up this book called E-Squared.  Its about how to use the Law of Attraction.  I saw it on Wayne Dyer's page and just had to get it, because it was $2.51 for Kindle!

E-Squared--get this amazing book here!

So I thought (since I've been a LoA believer for a very long time) that this could get me to get back into the swing of things with he LoA, as I've been out of practice for awhile.

The first exercise is to ask the FP (Field of Potentiality) for a clear-cut sign that its real.  And for a gift.  All within 48 hours.  So, I use the LoA with books all the time, and it always works (I want a book, set my intention, then BAM I get it for $.59-$.99 at the Goodwill or Salvation Army instead of paying the full price I usually cannot afford).

So, the hubs and I are outside, talking about our awful money problems and how we need more of it and I decided to look for a job.  My husband went inside to call people for interviews for our freelance articles and I called my old job to see if they were hiring (I had to leave a message).  So then I go to start painting our garage again, and I turned up the radio and this song came on:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pl3vxEudif8

I was like "DAMN!! THAT'S MY LIFE'S ANTHEM RIGHT NOW!"  I could literally see my life in some kind of silly montage going by in my brain LOL  Of how our lives are changing....all due to my mother giving up her right to be my mother.

I just knew everything was going to be okay.  This feeling of calm washed over and I just knew it.

So then I said to the FP......"Sending me a song, I get it....I got the message, but that's normal for me.  I get songs that adhere to my life's circumstances right at the moment I need it.  Now I need the gift.  I need something else, within the last 24hrs of this 48hr time frame."

So yesterday, I got my gift.  OUT OF NOWHERE I get someone wanting to hire me to do photography for their wedding :)

Okay, you might write these off as coincidences.....but I know the truth....and that's: there are so such things as coincidences.

So while my mother might will be staying the same (in her letter she told me she will NEVER change), I will be changing and doing better without her.

Its a little sad, but its also wonderful!  I have learned I am nothing without her my whole life.  I wouldn't even fulfill my dreams because they'd be excluding her.  Now I am free to do anything.

And I am going to :) 
I am sorry I haven't posted in awhile.  I've been processing all of this, figuring out what to do. 

Right now, I know I need to grieve.  I cannot further my recovery without grieving for the loss of my mother. 

I remember writing "How can you hate someone and love them just the same?" in reference to my father.  I didn't hate him.....I just hated what he did.  Now I can say 100% I love him, and while I still don't approve of his behavior, I will always love and miss him.

Tuesday my therapist said to me "Is it easier to forgive your father than your mother because he's not here anymore?"

I thought about it and said "Yes.  If he was still here and still drinking and abusing my mother, I would not be in the position to forgive him."

But the difference is with my mother, since he is not here, and I have the choice to stay away from her for as long as I want to, I CAN forgive her while she's alive.  I don't have to wait till she's dead.

Am I still angry?  Yes.  I don't want to be.  But I am.

I am angry she now is angry with my son because her neighbor told her a bunch of things my son said about her, which I don't remember him saying at all.  But to bring him into it is just childish.  She wants to be mad at somebody, but now she might be "unable to forgive him", which is ridiculous.  He's 15.  He's a kid.  I WILL NOT let her throw her fucking narcissistic bullshit on my kid!! 

I think that's what I am the most angry at.  And the fact she said in a letter to me recently that "I thought from the time you were a child till you became and adult, you were happy.  Your unhappiness is news to me".  I want to SCREAM!!!!  Its like "WERE YOU EVEN THERE????"  Uggghhh. 

I don't want to be angry anymore.  I want to move on, but I just can't when she says stupid things like this.  But I need to get to the point that she can (and always will) say dumbass things, and just let it roll off my back and not care.  To treat her like a mentally retarded person who doesn't know any better.  "Oh she doesn't know what she's saying, she's mentally defective."  Because in reality, she is.  I mean, anyone who can take my abuse and act like it didn't happen......well, is just nuts. 

I am beginning to feel numb to her anymore.  Its like, I used to feel lost without her, but now I am feeling like THIS is way it SHOULD be.  No more worries about anything at all. 

I realize that 80% of my daily anxiety is because of her.  What will she say about my house?  What will she be angry for me at now?  What snarky-ass comment will she have about me not mowing my yard or about my kids or blah blah blah. 

I don't have to worry about ANY of that anymore. 

Phew!!

Its like a breath of fresh air!  Its like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders.  I feel free. 

Yet, I am still bound by my anger at times.  I want to call her and ask her about that, about my son, but I am afraid I will lose my cool.  Who cares right? 

She has to know she WILL NOT take her shit out on my child.  I will stand up for my child where she failed with me.  She never stood up for me, or had my back. ONE TIME she did, and I was an adult.  But only because it would make her look to be the good mom and the hero. 

I have to grieve and let go of my mother.  Let go of the mother I wanted and needed.  And now see her for what she is: a woman who lived in my house growing up who cooked for me. 

That's it.  I can see her as an acquaintance instead of that fairytale "mother" we all so desperately want.

I should do a ritual for her, to let her go, that mother ideal.  And then find the inner mother that can be EVERYTHING I want and need (something from the book.....the inner parent).  I won't need her to be that person anymore then.  I can be that person.  I can turn to me when I need a mom.

I will call her right now and see what she says.  If her neighbor is there, I will just call her back later.  I can feel adrenaline surging thru my body right now....LOL  Ick, I hate that.  But I hate confrontation, too. 

I need to be calm and not get angry with her.  I will not stoop down to her level.  My therapist says to use "I" statements, and that's what I'll do. 

So yes, I will post again what happens.  Till then.....
This is from a page on Facebook called:   After Narcissistic Abuse - There is Light, Life & Love--
Six signs to pay attention to. If you are dating someone who exhibits these signs, you may have a narcissist on your hands:

1. Deafness to what others feel, want or think. “What I want, feel, think or believe is all that matters so I don’t bother taking seriously what you say, especially when it differs from my thoughts or preferences.”
My ex NEVER cared about any of this.  If he really wanted me to shut up, he'd start making fun of me.

Narcissists think listening is like being a hockey goalie. They knock what others say away instead of letting the ideas of others enter a shared pool of information.
Yes, exactly.  I always felt so damn frustrated because talking to him was like talking to a wall.

If you say something that’s a good idea, don’t expect credit from a deeply entrenched narcissist. He is likely though to say your idea later as if it was his own.
Rather than take credit, he was like Gumby, he'd tell my idea to someone else in his family, let THEM beat it down and then come back at me with what THEY said.....even though for a few moments he'd agree with me.  He was moldable like clay by whoever he was with at that moment.

2. It’s all about me. “Since I know more, I am smarter and I am always right, I do most of the talking and that talking is mostly about me. That’s why I take up most of the air time in conversations.” Narcissistic people are sometimes, and even often, generous. The difficulty comes when what they want is contrary to what you want. Then, it’s all about them … their wants, their needs, not yours.
I HATED HATED HATED playing board games with him.  1) he'd never let the kids have leniency because they were kids, they'd have to "play by the rules or else lose".  He LOVED winning, and usually did no matter what game we'd play.  This just dawned on me.....my son used to CHEAT at every single game up until this year (he's 15).......now I know why!  That's the ONLY way he could win when he was little and learning to play games.  2) he'd rub it in your face because he'd always win.  I think he didn't like my IQ was higher than his, so then he'd try to "prove" he was smarter.

3. Rules are for others; they don’t apply to me. “I can have affairs, cut into a line where others are waiting, cheat on my taxes and ignore rules that get in the way of my doing what I want.” Narcissists often experience themselves as special, as above others, so rules don’t apply to them.
Yup, "I don't have to wear a seat belt, because I find the law stupid!"  He also won't pay taxes on his karaoke business. 

4. Don’t tell me your concerns. “I’m likely to get mad if you insist on having me listen to your concerns. Your concerns sound like criticism to me so I’ll want to hurt you back.” Narcissists think everything is about them, so if you try to say something about a feeling like sadness or anxiety that you have been experiencing, they are likely to hear it as a criticisms of themselves.
Oh yes.....my anxiety was a source of anger for him.  I have GAD and panic disorder and instead of helping me, it was all about him and how I was inconveniencing him.  I remember when I had to have a D&C a week after my son was born, he was PISSED because we just bought food, and he had to take me to the ER.  Also, when I was 4 months pregnant I was laying there crying because I was bleeding and thought I was losing my son.....(I had placenta previa) and said "He has to have a name, he can't die without a name...." he just ignored me and was irritated he had to be there.   And after my son was born....I got up to pee and he took my hospital bed and fell asleep in it.  When I woke him to sit back down, he refused to move.  "I was up all night!"  "Yes, dickface, so was I, but the difference is I WAS PUSHING A WATERMELON-SIZED BABY OUT OF MY HOOHA!" 

If they don’t take your feelings personally, they still are unlikely to respond with much sympathy or helpfulness. They are more likely to react with irritation than compassion because the focus is supposed to be on them, not on others.
Exactly.

5. When we have upsets, it’s always your fault. “I can’t be expected to apologize or to admit blame. I’m above others and above reproach.” Unwillingness to take responsibility for mistakes goes hand in hand with quickness to blame. Stay clear of blamers or ignore them. Otherwise they can be very demoralizing. Also, be realistic about their capacity for change: they are often unlikely to make bad habits better because they don’t learn from their mistakes.
Oh yes.  My son also exhibits this behavior, but he's a teen.....no matter what my ex did wrong, ITS ALWAYS MY FAULT.  To this day!  "You never come see your children and haven't in over a year."  "Oh yeah?  That's because of YOU!  Its YOUR fault!"  That's his all-time favorite. 

6. If I’m angry, it’s your fault. “You made me mad. I’m only mad because you … !” Again, blaming others is a narcissistic means of sustaining self-worth. Beware though of getting mad back at a narcissist. They’ll respond with fury. They can get mad at you (because it’s your fault if they are mad) but all hell is likely to break loose if you should dare to show even slight irritation toward them!
My ex used to call me a "fucking bitch" a lot.  LOUDLY.  When all the windows open.  It was so embarrassing.  And it was ALWAYS my fault.  To this day, he has his whole family believing its my fault.  Anytime he was angry, it was my fault.  Everything was my fault.  But oh well, he's my "ex" for a reason.
----------------------------------------------------------
So yes, its very relieving to know that he is a narcissist.  Because it makes realize that I am not crazy.  I knew something was not right with him.  But since it was always my fault, I never could tell what was what.  
But all of my actions were REactions to his behavior.  Eventually I'd start shit with him and cause some of the arguments, but I was tired of him.  So so so so so tired of it.  
Now I can back myself up with this info and realize while yes, I was not perfect, the main source of our issues were him.
So thank GOD he gave up his rights (his idea) and now my husband adopted the kids a few years ago.  
Now just to help my son with his tendencies......I think it runs in families, as my ex-MIL is a total narcissistic mother, and my ex is one, but I've seen these issues with my son his entire life.  I've done my best to not give in to him.....but it doesn't change his behavior.  

Although, my son did bring up that he stopped cheating....because it didn't really feel right anymore.  So I hope all of his are just learned behaviors and not born with it.....because it will be so hard for him in life.  I love my son so much and don't want to see him have the issues that other narcissists do.  But I can only do so much.  

But we'll see.....maybe he'll grow out of most of it?  I sure hope so.
Although my ex will never change, and neither will my mother, that's for damn sure.  But I don't have to put up with either one anymore.
So if you're married to one.....please find a way out.  They can't change.  Not when they're adults.  Just keep your wits and know its NOT YOU.  Its a hard thing to do, after being told for years it IS you, but I guarantee you, its NOT.  
Good luck my friends :)  And get away from your narcissists!


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Welcome to Girl Lost.


I am a daughter of a narcissistic mother, one of way too many in this world. If you're here, then you have one too. I hope by reading my words someone out there will realize they aren't alone.

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