Its messed up.  When I am not with her, I miss her.  Not really her...but the idea of her.  Of how I'd like it to be.  How every time I pick up the phone to call her I want it to be, but it never turns out that way.

I feel this magnetic connection between us.  And I feel like I am sitting here, like a two-piece puzzle with the other half missing.  But I will reiterate, its not HER I miss.  Its the being able to call her, to go see her, to tell her stuff--even though she will down it.  I have nobody to do that to.  Everyone else has lives.  She doesn't but she pretends to so she can get her narcissistic supply from someone else for a bit, when she's sick of me.

I feel like I am addicted to her, and I am going off a drug right now.  Am I addicted to her abuse?  No, I think its more I am addicted to wanting her to approve of me.  That's it.  And every moment, that's all I do.  I can't be me.  I can't be anyone, but the little girl trying to make mommy happy and have her approve of me.  And the few moments she does, its like a high.  

My co-dependence runs deep with her.  I don't know who I am without her.  I used to think she was my WORLD.  That I'd be a wreck when she died...and yes, I will be a wreck, but not as much as I once thought.

And that thought saddens me.

I could say "but she tried her best with me" or "she did what she could have"....but the truth is, and it hurts, is that she didn't.  She did her absolute worst.  She did the LEAST she could have, without looking like a bad mother.  Well, on the outside.

It was easy for her, I was an only child.  She only had me, the scapegoat, to deal with.

::::sigh::::  This is all so new to me.  But I am sure of one thing.  If I do go back to her for a relationship?  I am not the same person I was a week ago.  I am stronger.  I am NOT gong to put up with her insanity.  I will NOT let her ask my kids for shit.  I will NOT take money from her.  I will NOT help her with ANYTHING.  Our relationship is changing.  And she will abuse me for it, I know.  But I kinda want her to so I can bring all this shit up.

Even if she won't listen or yells at me, at least I get to say it.  Without fear of retribution.  The only hold she has on me is money.  And I am not taking any from her anymore, so therefore she has NO hold on me at all.

I wonder what that will force her to do?  When you don't comply, she threatens and throws baby fits.  What will she resort to next?  She has slapped me before.  Let's hope it doesn't happen again.

I hate physical violence.  I can't stand the idea of it.

I've had enough, seen enough to fill 50 lifetimes.  I am done with it, watching my parents beat the shit out of each other too many times.  Well, to me it was like that, as a child.  They hit each other, screamed like drunken idiots, and all the while scared the holy shit out of me. 

And I'll be done with her if that happens.  But who knows, I might be done with her anyways.  If she gets abusive to me when I don't comply.  Or I may not even try to work out anything with her.  Esp. not in person.

Email?  Hmmm her computer is broken.  Phone, perhaps?  Confronting her makes me sick to my stomach, because she gets abusive.  Oh well, I need to stop letting it bother me.

I love her.  But if she can't be the mother I need?  I don't know if I need her anymore.

And that breaks my heart.