Right now I am feeling so rejected.  Its been 9 days since my mother has talked to me.

Today my son, who is 15, went driving past her house, and she refused to even look at him or wave, while sitting on the porch.  They both swear she saw them, too.

Are we that disposable?

36 years of me being by her side 99% of the time, and just like that?  I say one thing she doesn't like and that's it?

Are you kidding me?

I mean, I knew she was off-kilter and a tad crazy, but even if she thought it was me driving, to not even wave?  That's so NOT like her.

She must still be angry.

And I don't give a fuck.

Yes, I care she won't talk to me, but I don't give a fuck if SHE'S mad.  I mean....what the hell does she have to be mad about?

:::sigh::::  Well, she's a narcissist, so I guess there's that explanation.

I attacked her parenting skills so, I guess she can be mad all she wants.

Wow.....I really didn't realize just how disposable I really was.

It makes me just know how much of a right choice I am making by staying away from her.  But my plan wasn't to do it cold turkey......I just wanted some space, a few days like usual.  And instead of pretending like nothing happened, I would just confront her at every turn.

I don't even know if I'll get that chance now.

Its freeing, in a way.

But it also hurts.

I thought I meant more to her that what I obviously did.  I mean....I am her daughter.

But in her world, the weight of that word does not carry the weight of what she is to me: mother.

But, just as everything else in my life, I am redefining words and roles and meanings all the damn time.  So why not her?  Why not that word?  I already have somewhat with dealing with my birthmother (I am adopted).  But I always thought of my mom as my real mother. 

Now I am wondering......for some people, is there really such a thing?