I was cleaning my backyard today and realized something:

That the ONLY way to make my mother happy when I was little was to clean the house or my room.

The other day I jokingly said to my own kids "How come you guys never surprise me when I come home from somewhere by cleaning the house?  I remember doing that all the time for my mom.  And it always made me feel so good to do something like that for her."

But now that I look back, I realize that that was ONLY way to make her happy with me, so yes, I was very proud of that.  But an unnatural proud.  I was overcome with feelings of acceptance and love from her, whether she said to me or not.  I knew back then that I was valued for what I did, instead of who I was, but I just didn't think anything of it.  I blamed myself otherwise.

I was messy, moody, totally right-brained and artistic.  I lost my shit all the time.  I was NOT organized at all.  I was 100% the opposite of her (besides the moody part, we had that in common). 

I was too much trouble because I had panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder (although back then it was "strange" and "weird").  I was too much trouble because I got sick often.  I was too much trouble because I talked too much.  My desk at school wasn't organized (to this day she still picks on me about that) and she had to clean it.  I was just too much trouble.

Except.......when I cleaned.

Then I was a good girl.  Although, I always did it wrong. I also mowed the yard wrong.  I raked up leaves wrong.  I vacuumed wrong.  I washed windows wrong.  Anything I did that was worth a damn to her was still wrong.  From childhood until today.

But....there was always that ounce of pride...that spark, that made me proud of myself.  You know, until she took me down a notch.

I mean, you aren't allowed to feel too good about yourself, right?  But for those moments, until she inspected my work?  I was walking on clouds. 

It never really dawned too much on me until now.  I just thought I was not enough enough...well, I know now I was, but even though.....I still felt like I wasn't.

You can't undo a lifetime of belittling in just a few adult years.  Especially when its still going on recently as a little over a week ago.

My children were learning the same lessons from her.

My mother and uncle took it upon themselves two weeks ago to come and rip up my yard with out my consent (calling it cleaning) and took up everything I didn't want them to take up, but I had no idea they were out there.  So when I found them, what could I say?  I mean, they were doing something nice, right?

I hardly believe that now.

But so, they complained my kids weren't out with us.  I said they were busy.  The real issue is my 15 year old gets verbally assaulted by my mother and uncle anytime he does anything with them, so I did not want him out there. 

So he needed to go his driving permit and my mother said "Well, tell your son, that if he doesn't come out here and pick all this shit up (the mess they made), then I will NOT take him to get his permit tomorrow.  You hear that?  I will be outside of your house at 8:15 (and she showed up at 8....like always) and if its not done, I will leave and he will have to wait.  You tell him that!"

And what did I do?  He needed and wanted his permit, so what choice did we have?


I ushered him to get it done, my husband helped because they (my mom and uncle) loaded the lawn bags with 50,000lbs full of crap and he could not lift them on his own.

Thing is, she could have just asked nicely.  My son would have more been more than happy to comply.  But that's how she asks nicely. 

She threatens.  She barks orders.  She tells your ass to jump and expects you to scream with glee (no grumpy attitudes allowed!!) "HOW HIGH??? WHOOO HOOOO!!!"

She likes to drive past my house and call me to tell me my grass needs mowing.  Or my hedges need trimming.  Or whatever else she can think of.

I don't like her in my house and don't let her in my house anymore because my whole adult life she would say "OMG get your dishes done!  What if someone stops by??" or "Wow, I need to come up here and clean your porch, don't I?"  or "You really need me to come over and help you clean, don't you?" if my house was not up to her standards.  And it never is or was and never will be.

My whole life, I was valued for what I did.  And devalued by what I didn't do.  And since I never was good enough, I was always made to feel inadequate.

I've had to live a life full of feeling "I need to have a perfect house!!" and having a brain that just didn't understand how I could even achieve that.  So I've always been torn in half.  Always never living up to invisible and unattainable standards by a woman who should have loved me unconditionally.  Instead, her love was nothing but conditions. 

On my journey to live away from my narcissistic mother, I will learn to not be that parent.  I will learn what "unconditional" means instead.  I've had no role model for this, but just like always, I will learn to be my own.

And I will learn who I really am.  Without judgment.  Without conditions.  Without criticism.  Without her crap.  I will learn who I am as a mother.  As a woman.  And even as a daughter.

But most of all, I will learn who I am as a person.


And I thought 2012 was the year I transformed.

Look out 2013!