I am sorry I haven't posted in awhile.  I've been processing all of this, figuring out what to do. 

Right now, I know I need to grieve.  I cannot further my recovery without grieving for the loss of my mother. 

I remember writing "How can you hate someone and love them just the same?" in reference to my father.  I didn't hate him.....I just hated what he did.  Now I can say 100% I love him, and while I still don't approve of his behavior, I will always love and miss him.

Tuesday my therapist said to me "Is it easier to forgive your father than your mother because he's not here anymore?"

I thought about it and said "Yes.  If he was still here and still drinking and abusing my mother, I would not be in the position to forgive him."

But the difference is with my mother, since he is not here, and I have the choice to stay away from her for as long as I want to, I CAN forgive her while she's alive.  I don't have to wait till she's dead.

Am I still angry?  Yes.  I don't want to be.  But I am.

I am angry she now is angry with my son because her neighbor told her a bunch of things my son said about her, which I don't remember him saying at all.  But to bring him into it is just childish.  She wants to be mad at somebody, but now she might be "unable to forgive him", which is ridiculous.  He's 15.  He's a kid.  I WILL NOT let her throw her fucking narcissistic bullshit on my kid!! 

I think that's what I am the most angry at.  And the fact she said in a letter to me recently that "I thought from the time you were a child till you became and adult, you were happy.  Your unhappiness is news to me".  I want to SCREAM!!!!  Its like "WERE YOU EVEN THERE????"  Uggghhh. 

I don't want to be angry anymore.  I want to move on, but I just can't when she says stupid things like this.  But I need to get to the point that she can (and always will) say dumbass things, and just let it roll off my back and not care.  To treat her like a mentally retarded person who doesn't know any better.  "Oh she doesn't know what she's saying, she's mentally defective."  Because in reality, she is.  I mean, anyone who can take my abuse and act like it didn't happen......well, is just nuts. 

I am beginning to feel numb to her anymore.  Its like, I used to feel lost without her, but now I am feeling like THIS is way it SHOULD be.  No more worries about anything at all. 

I realize that 80% of my daily anxiety is because of her.  What will she say about my house?  What will she be angry for me at now?  What snarky-ass comment will she have about me not mowing my yard or about my kids or blah blah blah. 

I don't have to worry about ANY of that anymore. 

Phew!!

Its like a breath of fresh air!  Its like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders.  I feel free. 

Yet, I am still bound by my anger at times.  I want to call her and ask her about that, about my son, but I am afraid I will lose my cool.  Who cares right? 

She has to know she WILL NOT take her shit out on my child.  I will stand up for my child where she failed with me.  She never stood up for me, or had my back. ONE TIME she did, and I was an adult.  But only because it would make her look to be the good mom and the hero. 

I have to grieve and let go of my mother.  Let go of the mother I wanted and needed.  And now see her for what she is: a woman who lived in my house growing up who cooked for me. 

That's it.  I can see her as an acquaintance instead of that fairytale "mother" we all so desperately want.

I should do a ritual for her, to let her go, that mother ideal.  And then find the inner mother that can be EVERYTHING I want and need (something from the book.....the inner parent).  I won't need her to be that person anymore then.  I can be that person.  I can turn to me when I need a mom.

I will call her right now and see what she says.  If her neighbor is there, I will just call her back later.  I can feel adrenaline surging thru my body right now....LOL  Ick, I hate that.  But I hate confrontation, too. 

I need to be calm and not get angry with her.  I will not stoop down to her level.  My therapist says to use "I" statements, and that's what I'll do. 

So yes, I will post again what happens.  Till then.....