I climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Mmm Mmm...

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too"

This song is where I am at.  I took my love for my mother, and I took it down.  I've climbed mountains my whole life and just when I thought I would get to the point where I'd find me, I'd get a reflection of who I was, my mother (aka The Landslide--the destructive force in my life) would bring me down.

Oh, force that makes our world what it is (God, Energy, etc.), what IS love?  If a mother's love is not constant and unwavering, then what is love at all?  How can we learn to love without the most primal of loves to teach us the right way?

Can the child inside of me rise above all of this?  Can I rise against this destructive force that's always been there in my life?  Can I sail past it all while everything around me is changing?

The seasons of my life....adulthood, to survive without my mother?  Cause I HAVE been afraid of changing, cause I did build my life around her: totally and completely.

But now, time has surely made me bolder and that child inside of me who she thought abusing was fun, is now certainly older.....and the adult in me is older too.  Because choosing to change....choosing a life of hard over a life of easy, when hard has a better outcome?  That's real change.  So yes, I am older, and I am choosing to survive without her.  I can rise above all of this. 

Today my son and I drove past her house because he has a hard time pulling into our driveway from our alley the one direction, so we had go around the block, and there she sat with her bigmouth friend and I didn't even really care.

I wasn't angry about it, it just showed me where her head is at.  And I don't need to be a part of it anymore.  Each day tells me "You're making the right choice.  Even if it does feel foreign and unfamiliar." 

One day at a time.  Fake it til you make it, right?  So just act like its normal until it feels normal, and eventually, it will be normal.

Do I love her?  I don't know how I can when its all been a lie.  Am I thankful for what she's done for me in my life?  I don't know.  I am numb.  I feel nothing. 

But I know I am right and I am doing the right thing. 

Just one day at a time.