Two days ago I cried because of what my mother said to me.  And now I am ready to move on.

I am not a crier....esp. in front of people like I did.  For me, that's a HUGE thing.  I could not cry in front of my parents.  My mother once got my cousins together and they all chased me down and laughed in my face for crying, my mother included.  And many other times she told me to "knock it off" because it would piss off my dad and throw him into a rage.

So I learned never EVER to cry in front people.

Mostly, I just HATE pity.  "Awwwwww....you okay?"  That sentence makes me punchy.  Like I wanna punch somebody LOL

I don't really punch people, but I really REALLY hate pity.

But yes, so I am done being sad at her stupidity.  Her disregard for others' feelings.  Her anger.  Her baby fits she throws.  Her more-than-hurtful words.

She is a disgrace to mothers everywhere.

I know my dad is looking at her right now and is probably very ashamed for what she's done and continues to do.

But that's the way she is.  Nobody can change her.  And I am fine with that.

So, instead I will finish my book (I am in the recovery part now) and use some other programs to move me forward into better days and a better life.

Tonight I see my new therapist, I am quite excited.  I hope she's not like my regular therapist (I see a sexual assault therapist) who doesn't believe my mother has NPD, that she some sort of "great secret" she has that makes her act this way (like being molested).  But if I wasn't sure before Monday that my mother had NPD, then I am 1,000,000x more sure after that.  But I was sure before that.....100%.  Everyone who knows about NPD and knows her, agrees.  I just hope my therapist can see that I am the one who needs to heal from this and its not about my mom...whereas my old one was all about "healing my mom" and me trying to "find out her secret".  If she has a secret?  Which we all do, so she probably does, I couldn't give a rat's ass, thank you very much.  This is NOT about her, it never was.  I love my therapist, but she wants to help everyone, and not just the person in her office.

I have the Organic Sister's "Digging Deep" program I will try.  I have "The Inner Child Workbook" to work thru.  And I will add in some vision quests, meditation, and shamanic journeying to all of this, too, as its been immensely helpful in the past.  I think I will buy a small recorder so I can record what happens after its done, sometimes I can't remember it all!  I might seek out some other stuff this summer, like spiritual help, too.

I will definitely blog as I go.  Keep track of all my progress of what works, and what doesn't and how it all makes me feel.

I know from going on my own recovery from my father's abuse was not easy.  It took me literally 12 years.  But I did it alone, with no help.  And my recovery?  It wasn't even planned.  It just happened.

When you find out your entire life was nothing but a lie, what happens next?

You then gather the strength inside of yourself to know 1) you've ALWAYS done it by yourself, you just didn't realize it, and 2) you are stronger than you've ever thought you were.

You move forward, cautiously, but steadily.  And you learn that life has no rules, and never did.

You just thought it did.