I wrote this on another blog on :
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I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn't dive in
Wouldn't bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
Till I woke up on
On the concrete

I'm wide awake
Not losing any sleep
I picked up every piece
And landed on my feet
I'm wide awake
Need nothing to complete myself


I'm wide awake
Yeah, I am born again
Outta the lion's den
I don't have to pretend

-Katy Perry

Dear little Girl Lost,

I once was where you were.  I once was scared, alone, and fending for myself.  I had to deal with my own pain, my own fears, and my own life, all by my little self.  I had to watch you hide from Daddy, as he came after to get us.  "If I could only get my hands on you!" he would say.  I am proud of you because you never let him :)  The only time was when YOU made the first move because he was hurting Mommy again.  But that was after your time, you won't remember that.

No, back then, you were innocent.  Or should have been.  Instead you were forced to grow up far beyond your years....really, really quickly.  I remember that .45 record we'd play together when they would fight and we'd want to drown out their angry words.  You didn't deserve that.  You didn't deserve being left alone to protect yourself.

And just because we couldn't always protect ourselves, we didn't fail.  We did the best we could with what we had.  We were great!

And I know you always felt out of place, like you didn't belong anywhere.

But guess what?  You belong with me :)  And that's all you ever needed.

I can't tell you why the grown ups in your life didn't help you.  I don't have answers to that.  They knew, they saw it all happen every single time they were there.  Grandma and Grandpa knew, but always sent you back home with Mommy every time you'd run away from him.  Your aunts and uncles knew, and your cousins.  They ALL knew.  But nobody, not one person, decided to help you.  I am sorry for that.  You deserved soooooooooo much better that what you got.

But I will let you in on something: when you grow up, you learned from their mistakes and do your part in saving any children you see abused.  You will fight fiercely for your own children to be treated fairly, and you'll win.  You might think its never going to end, that you'll never be free of the pain and sadness you feel, but things do get better.  I promise :)

For you, my beautiful child-self, you are special.  You are like a super-hero.  You don't let the world cave in on you.  You don't self-destruct.  You don't suffer forever.  Instead you take what you've learned and apply it to help others.  Instead of letting it defeat you, you end up slaying that mighty dragon!  The dragon of anger, hate, betrayal, and burden.  You turn your life around into something spectacular!

If you knew then, what I know now, life would have been something to look forward to growing up, rather than a constant struggle.  Rather than everyday wondering "What the hell will happen to me today?" you could have thought "I can't wait to grow up!  Things will be so much better!".  But I can only tell you this now.  I hope that will be enough.

You were a beautiful child.  So full of hope, so full of love and empathy.  You would save a gopher from your cat and bring it in the house so he couldn't get him again.  You would help any animal you saw in need.  You knew the world needed saving back then.  That's one thing you never forgot.

You were full of creativity, another thing you carried with you into adulthood (and now you can paint, something you never thought you could do!).  And you loved nature in all of its forms (and now we aren't afraid of thunderstorms anymore, can you believe it??).  You will always love nature, its like your real, true home.  You will train your children to be Warriors, just like you.

You would love your kids if you could meet them, you would love to play with them and go on adventures.  I think its time you guys meet :)  You've been hiding for so long.  I think you were afraid to come out.  But its okay.  Your kids would love it!  To be free and fun like a kid again!  Wow, I can't wait!  And your future (real) husband?  He is one awesome dude.

So I will leave you to tell me any secrets you wish to share with me.  Its okay, even though I am a grown up, I will protect you.  I will do what's right.  I will take care of you, just like I always have.  But now it will be better, because I will know some of those secrets you have kept for so long.  It will feel better to release them and let go.

Hope to hear from you soon,

Your grown-up self