There 5 states of grief, according to On Death and Dying by Dr. Elisabeth Kuber-Ross: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For us dealing with someone who's still alive and need to grieve those parts of that person that are lost, we go thru them in this order:

1. Acceptance
2. Denial 
3. Bargaining
4. Anger
5. Depression

And the first thing I need to do is 1) use a journal to record my work (hence, this blog) and 2) grieve the mother I never had.  In order to start doing this,  I need to fill in the holes with writing down what the ideal mother would be like to me.  Contrast what I wanted and needed with what I actually had.  So....I've locked myself in my room, turned on some soothing music, and here it goes:

• I would like a mother who listens to me.  Who doesn't tell me "What you need to do is....." without even listening or letting me finish.  Just one who listens, and doesn't tell me what to do.
• I would like a mother who doesn't interrupt me, or walk off while I am talking to her.  One who engages in conversation with me and really hears me.
• I would like a mother who is loving to her grandchildren, my children.  One who accepts and supports my kids no matter what.  They always say "I wish we had Mike's grandma" or "I wish your birthmother lived closer, she's an awesome grandma."  A mother who just does things with my kids on a whim, because she knows how much they'd enjoy doing stuff with her. 
• I would like a mother who is actually interested in me.  I mean actually.  One who is actually proud of me, and doesn't take me down a notch every time I do something in order to put me in my place. 
• I would like a mother who who defends me.  And doesn't defend everyone else when I am angry at someone, instead of me.  She has only defended me a few times in my life, usually she always sides with the other person, even if she doesn't know them.
• I would like a mother who is flexible.  My mother makes the world revolve around her on her own time clock.  She says "Be outside by 8am sharp!  Or else this bus is leaving without you!" and she shows up at 7:55 and gets pissy when you're not out there waiting, even when there is no reason to be somewhere at a certain time.
• I wish I had a mother who supports and helps me with my anxiety.  NEVER ONCE has my mother offered to help me with my anxiety.  I haven't driven in 3 years because of it (for the last year I've been driving little places here and there) and NOT ONCE has she offered to help me drive again.  "You're not taking MY car on the road" she said recently (actually the day before all this happened), but she'd let me take her car alone, just not with her in it.  
• I wish had a mother that valued me for who I was, not what I did for her.  With my mother, if you don't do what she asks, you are lower than shit and she'll throw a baby fit and stomp out of the room.  PLUS she'll threaten you (she's famous for this one) "I WAS going to do something for you, but you just blew it!"
• I wish I had a mother as child who wanted to have adventures with me.  It was like once I turned around 8 years old, she just gave up.  No more horse back riding.  No more anything fun at all.  It was "Go find something to do" and sent me away to go play alone or with my friends.  When all I never wanted was my mother.  Even as an adult.  Every time I suggest something to do its always "Nah, you go do that with your family."  "But mom, you are my family."  "Nah."  I want a mom that says "Wow!  That sounds like fun!"
• I wish I had a mother that followed thru.  When she would actually get hair-up-her-ass-idea to do something amazing, she'd always pretend the next day like it was a stupid idea.  She'd get me all riled up and then just always disappoint me.  I have a tendency to do this, get great ideas and then just lose interest.  I got that from her, I see.
• I wish I had a mother who could accept criticism and admit her faults as easily as I do.   Granted, it hasn't been an easy road, but I can admit all my faults.....perhaps after an initial denial for like literally minutes (not days or anything), and I sit with a criticism (which hurts me) and then I think and say "Hmmmmmm....I can totally see their point."  And then I work on how to fix it.  My mother has no faults.  Well, at least according to her.
• I wish I had mother.  A real one.

I could go on and on, and add stuff all night, but this is a good list.  

That is all for now.  I am going to go either sleep or go process more of this crap.

Tomorrow is a new day.....and I am not looking forward to what she will have to say to me after I put a letter in her mailbox an hour ago.  She sent me a shitty, immature note, I sent her an adult and mature letter, telling her I don't know if she can ever change.  But knowing her, she'll take it as "Look, I tried to apologize, and you won't listen, so I am done."  Let her think that.  I don't care anymore.

I am tired of wanting her to change.

She just needs to leave me along stop sending me stupid crap in the mail LOL  It isn't helping anything.  I think tomorrow night?  I will burn her letter.  Or maybe I'll keep it for a scrapbook.  Either way, I need to not let it hurt me.

I offered to go to counseling with her in my letter, but I honestly don't believe it will help.

::::sigh::::

Well, let's see what she'll send back tomorrow.

Till then.