I feel restless.  I can't do anything.  I can't accomplish anything.  I feel like I am waiting for something big to happen.

Its been 11 days.

Its not like I am being stubborn.  I am scared.

Scared she will yell at me.  Scared she will say "Get the fuck out of my house" or "What do you think you're doing here?"

Scared she will say "Oh look, you finally decide to grace us with your presence" or "Oh, so you aren't mad anymore?"

Or worse, scared she won't say anything at all and act like nothing has happened.

Then it will be up to me to bring it up.

And I've been taught to avoid confrontation at all costs.  It makes me sick.  It puts  knots in my stomach.  I hyperventilate a little.  And I shake.  I get adrenaline coursing through my veins and my body vibrates.  I feel sick all over.

Me and confrontation aren't friends.

So to combat this response, I've learned to take care of issues as they happen, and not as they build up so I don't have to have an all out war with someone.

I've been known to say "I know we've just met, but we just don't mesh.  I don't think we'll make good friends.  Good luck with your life!" with someone that I can just tell will be a problem in the future.  Cut it off before it begins.

But I've been taught with my mother to keep my mouth shut or else.  So I normally just absorb her hidden abuse and just move past it in the conversation.  But little did I know, just how all those "jabs" and "insults" would turn into such resentment and eventual rage (which I am over now.....but I am still angry).

And now I am left with thinking "What the fuck now?"

I just want it to be done with so I can move on.  Move forward.  At least know where I stand and get something started.

I know from past experience, she WILL NOT admit to anything.  She WILL demean me at every turn and act like I am overreacting.  She will lie to make herself look better and me stupid.  She will attempt to make me feel guilty "Oh if you think I was really that bad of a mother....."

But somewhere, there is a little girl deep down inside of me that wishes she would own up to her and my father's abuse.  Wishes that will acknowledge my pain.  (I am shaking as I write this.....damn adrenaline).  Wishes she would sincerely say "I'm sorry".  Instead of the condescending way of "Oh, I guess I am sorry I was such a bad mother" in her sing-song voice she uses.  I hate that voice.  Its so demeaning.


I have a headache now.  But I need to get things done.  Maybe that will make me feel better.

Hmmmm.....since its clear she's not going to grow up and make contact with me first, I will have to do it.  But how?  Walk past her house with my dogs?  Drive over and wave?  I think that sends the wrong message.  I don't know how I feel or what I want, so waving might say to her "Oh look, she's not mad anymore!  Yay!  I can pretend like everything is great now!" 

And its not.

Well, I will figure it out later.  Right now I have a life to live, laundry to wash, a backyard to clean, and a million other things I can think of.

She did drive past my house today, and she ALWAYS honks, and she didn't.  So safe to say, she's waiting to see if I am still mad, then she will still be mad.  If I am not, then she can go on and be fine.  But this time feels different......I think she may stay mad forever.  And you know what?

I am fine with that.