life really feels real.

We had to use our last $28, didn't even get all the tiny little bit of food today that we needed for the rest of the week to eat, and now we're 100% broke. 

Fuck.

Then my mom calls me and leaves a message and says "ComEd called and left you a message, I saved it for you.  You can call me back you know."

Its like 1) she's acting like I should have called her already, as if everything is okay and 2) now she knows we're having fucking electricity issues for payment.

So, she's going to think we need her and will come running back. 

Well guess what?  Not gonna do it.

Yes, it would be easier to fake nice and have her pay my bills.  But what then?  Act like nothing ever happened?  Let her walk all over me for another 36 years? 

:::sigh:::  I just can't do it this time. 

Its like leaving my marriage when I was married to the narcissist.  I wanted to leave him over and over again, but it was just easier to stay.  It felt wrong to leave.  Like in the pit of my stomach. 

Every time I've ever been angry with my mom, we'd just pretend it didn't happen and go back to the usual crap, and it would start all over again. 

But just like the day I left my ex......I knew it was right.  There was no question. 

And now?  I know this is right.  It feels 100% right.  Actually, going back to the "same 'ol same 'ol" with her feels wrong in the pit of my stomach. 

And....I always trust my gut.  It has never steered me wrong, ever. 

I knew the guy I babysat for when I was fourteen was bad news.  I felt it.  And what did he do?  He tried to come in my house on night, drunk, after walking me home (which I did not need him to do).  He also grabbed my ass. 

I knew my uncle was a bad guy.  And I still think he was.

I knew a certain job I applied for was just BAD NEWS and had to get the fuck outta there!  And later they got arrested and kicked out of town.

My gut?  Its always right.  It lets me know when its time to go, when its time to stay, when its time to get the fuck out.

And my gut says right now "Don't give in.  Don't fall back into that same miserable hole.  Don't go backwards, only forwards." 

And I am listening to it. 

She called today, and I didn't answer.  I don't know if I ever will.

Am I wanting to call her out on her shit?  Yes.  But when I really, really think about it, do I really?  No. 

I know nothing she says is the truth.  I know nothing she says will change the way I feel.  I know nothing will ever change. 

And while I want an explanation for telling her friends it was okay I was raped at 14 because I was a whore (even though I never had had sex before, but hey, I guess that constitutes sluttyness in her book).  And while I want her to grow the fuck up and leave my 15 year old son out of all of this.  And while I want an apology for her neglect and abuse.  It will all never happen.  She honestly thinks I was happy my whole childhood.  That I had this happy-go-lucky childhood that was more like torture than anything resembling fun. 

So it doesn't help when she calls.  I just wish she'd leave me alone and never bring me up to her friends again or her family again, ever.  I know it won't happen, there will be talk, and I will run into someone one day who will say something stupid, but I can handle myself. 

I have handled my own life since I was a child.  I know how to protect myself and do what I need to do. 

I just need to heal, instead of feeling all of this crap that I am still angry about.  But then again, that is how you heal.  To feel the crap and whatnot.  To feel it until its all been felt and brought to the surface and remembered, acknowledged, and let go. 

Its a process. 

But when you're broke, no money for more food, or to pay your electric bill, you sometimes wish it could be that easy to just ask for it. 

But really?  Deep down inside.....it feels good not to ask her.  It feels good even to fail, as long as failing is done so without any judgment from anyone, nobody to answer to.  Nobody to say "wow, can't you do anything right?" 

It feels good. 

I can get used to this feeling.  I really like it :)