I am going to let you all in a secret:

I...................am a whore.


I just found this out yesterday.

Actually, I've always known it.  Since it was a favorite of my father's names to call me.

I thought I left this part of my life behind me, now being 36 and with growing children and with my husband for 8 years, my previous marriage for 6.

But yup.  I am still a whore.

Apparently, I was a slut at 14.  WHO KNEW????!!!!

Wow.  I had no clue.  I wasn't even sleeping with anyone that age, I was a child.  But I guess you can be a slut even when you're not doing it!!

According to my mother, that is.

At 14, I was raped by my 18 or 19 year old boyfriend of 3 weeks, you know, the one my PARENTS let me date and go places alone with in his truck??  And its never been a source of shame until now.

When my mother had her neighbor read my letter out loud in front of other neighbors, what was said afterward was not told to me until yesterday.

Apparently, when that part was read, she asked my mother "She was raped??"

My mother's reply was to roll her eyes and say "She was sleeping with everyone!"

Um, no I wasn't.  I was a child.  With a man-aged boyfriend who knew what sex was and how to take it from a child.

This made me sick all day yesterday.  But it also cemented my knowledge that giving her up forever is now what is my plan.  It was always my plan, but I felt guilty thinking of her alone on holidays and whatnot.  I hoped I wouldn't cave in, and deep down inside I DON'T want a relationship with her, but somehow I still answered the phone one day and acted nice to her.  What's wrong with me?  But now, its kind a relief she did this  Because saying THAT???  That was beyond fucked up.  I just have to keep reminding myself that this is who she is and she is NEVER going to change. 

So either I am a liar or I deserved to get raped, which is it?  Either way, she left that out of my letter I got back from her explaining how sorry she was about letting her neighbor read it out loud because she "forgot about the rape part" and that she is sad I never told her because "I understand more than you'll ever know".  Oh, so now my mom was raped too?  With 1 in 3 women in this world having been raped or molested, I can see how it could happen.  BUT for her to say it now?  Its like "Oh look, I was raped too!  Feel bad for me!!"  Sure mom.

I can't believe ANYTHING she says, she's a total liar, so I have no clue if this really happened.  And guess what?  Don't care either.

You wanna tell your friends I was a WHORE at fourteen years old?  Well, fuck you.

You just sealed the fate of our relationship.

I can't even wave at you anymore or say hi or answer the phone.  I am done.

I think I will get my numbers changed, too.

And we are packing to eventually move soon.

I don't know where we will be going, but anywhere is better than a block away from my mom.

Cause know, with me being a whore and all.

It would be one thing if she told people I was a slut at that age for no reason, but to use that as a reason for me getting raped????

I will say it again, that is beyond fucked up.

Who does that?

I guess the world is telling me "stay away from her, don't go back" over and over again.  I just need to listen.