Actually, yesterday was the day I've been waiting for my whole life.

I finally found out the truth.

I will NEVER think again "Did she mean it that like that?"  "Does my mother love me the way a mother SHOULD love her daughter?"  "Is she serious?"

I know all the answers and then some.

She does not love me.  Nor did she ever.

Yesterday I marched my ass down to her house and asked her point blank "Why?  Why are you lying to your friends?"  See, she MADE our mutual friends inform on me, they both are....sensitive?  I guess I'll use that word.  So she said "What did she say about me?"  "I can't tell you, you'll be angry."  "Oh yeah?  I'll be angry with you if DON'T tell me!"  So they told on me.  Everything I said.

And one got so turned against me she was PISSED at me for lying.  Cause my mother got it into her head I am a liar.

I straightened her out, but I don't want to be friends with someone who will betray my confidence.

So her response to lying to her friends was "Its none of their business."

I said to my mother "Why did you let him hit me?"  She said "You should have protected yourself."  I said "I was just a child."  She said "If that were your husband, who would you protect?"  I screamed at the top of my lungs "MY CHILD!!!  I WILL ALWAYS PROTECT MY CHILDREN!!!"

She first said "Your dad never hit you."  I said "He punched me".  "He never punched you."  I said "You are a total narcissist.  He made a fist and hit me in my jaw while you had me pressed up against the fridge to stand in between us."  She said "Oh yeah, but that only happened one time.  He's dead now, get over it."  I said "I live with it every day.  But I am square with Daddy, he and I are good.  I have forgiven him.  But its YOU I can't forgive.  Not your abuse."  She said "Oh well, its in the past, get over it."

So much was said back and forth, with her being a fucking psycho crazy person and me just flabbergasted, but in the end I less than politely told her I never wanted to see her again and my children hate her guts.  And I slammed her door harder than I ever slammed a door in my life.

And then I broke down crying (which I never do...because of her) and then all of a sudden......that was it.  That weight that's been on me for 36 years was lifted (well, 34 1/2 years).  It was done.  It was finally all over.

Today the realization finally sunk in: I've never had a mother.  Not a real one.  And I never will.

And that's okay.  I've always taken care of myself, what on Earth do I need her for?  She's never done shit for me, but abuse me and make me feel like crap.

I am breathing sigh of relief after sigh of relief every moment now.  Its over.  Its all over.

No more living in fear.  No more not feeling like myself around a woman who only used me.  No more anything.

Its finally done.

I feel strange.  And yet relieved.

I can finally find out who I am without her.  Without her control, her demeaning words.  I can be free to be me.

I've done my time.  My prison has finally set me free.

You have no idea how that feels :)  I am the freest person on the planet right now.  I've paid my dues.  I am done.

But the difference is: I didn't deserve my prison sentence.

But who cares right?   I am free, that's all that matters.

Here I am, sitting before myself, in a strange new form.  A free woman away from all her pain and sorrow and penance for crimes I never committed.  Someone new shall emerge from this.  Someone better.  Happier.  Someone with a life she deserves, rather than one that held her with bars of shame, guilt, and reminders of the past hell she's lived through.

I am like the Great Phoenix and the Tower from the Tarot deck: it took me to burn my bridges and walls down completely before I can emerge with a clean slate to start anew.  I could not start to be who I really am while be stuck in her prison.  It took my childish cousin to show my mother my blogs in order to set the wheels in motion, to make her mad enough at me to say something and create this whole situation.

So even though I think it was sneaky-ass childish move, I thank you.

Because I am free.

I am FINALLY fucking free!!!

And that's the best thing my cousin and mother have ever done for me.  Best.  Thing.  Ever.