My mother and I have had a very neutral relationship for a few years.  In the past, we've been VERY argumentative and hostile to one another.  But recently, its been mostly pretty calm.

So to have my life turned upside-down like this out of the blue, its just....well, like the Tower Card of the Tarot.

When you see the Tower in a reading, you may feel afraid, shaken and insecure. It is a time of great turmoil and destruction as you seek to understand how you could have been so wrong, so naive, or so blind about a particularly situation. And now, what will you do and how will you manage in the face of this shocking truth? You may be experiencing sleepless nights, depression, grief, anger and confrontation. These are normal reactions to major changes in your outer and inner worlds.

A Tower experience is any experience that shakes the foundation of your current sense of security and/or forces you to question your strongly-held beliefs, perceptions, attitudes and behaviours. It may be a divorce, death of a loved one, financial failure, health problems or job loss, or any event that penetrates to the core of your inner being, affecting you spiritually, mentally and physically. It is often descriptive of a major upheaval, disruption, emergency or crisis, and is likely to bring chaos in the aftermath of such an event.

If the Tower appears in your reading, ask yourself, “What structures in my life are breaking up?” No doubt you will already be very aware of where there is turmoil and destruction but sometimes it can be on a more subtle or subconscious level

.-- BiddyTarot.com

It has shaken me to my core.  It was unexpected, & out of the blue.  But my mother has always been abusive (I consider perpetual shaming abuse), and still is, but I've made choices in my life to not give her the option of abuse.  So its been kept to a minimum.  I was wondering that earlier....why has she gotten better these past few years?  Oh yes, because of my me.   And my choices:

1. I DO NOT invite her into my house.  Even on my front porch.  She'll walk right in and say "OH!  I see you need me to come over and spend a day with you to help you clean your porch?"  And if I get annoyed with her and say something snippy, she get's pissed.  I used my dogs as an excuse for her not coming in.  They will jump all over her and hurt her.  Or so I tell her.
2.  I do not bring up any new ideas.  I don't discuss my future or anything at all with her that can give her the ability to say "That won't work" or talk about how stupid it is.
3. I leave my kids at home most days.  She's REALLY mean to them, always bitching about 1 little thing they've done wrong.  Grandparents usually want their grand kids around, esp. if they never get to see them. My mother sends them in the other room and doesn't want them around, and bitches if they do 1 little thing she doesn't like.  Especially if its my older son.  She can't bitch at me, so she takes it out on my 15 year old son.  And most times?  He refuses to be anywhere near her because of this.
4. I do as I am told.  I do not use her computer (she'll complain I am being lazy.....).  I go to her house to get stuff done for her, that's it.  
5. I don't discuss other people with her.  She LOVES to gossip and tear down all of her friends and our family members, but when I talk about someone in my life who's bothering me, she defends them, without even knowing them.  Classic narcissist tactic to make me feel like I am overreacting.
6. I don't show her my art.  When I do a painting (and she's done this her whole life), she'll say "Oh, yeah......this kinda......well, it looks strange right here.  Something......something's not right......"  I want to slap her when she does that.  So my art stays in my house.  BUT she'll sure tell other people what a great artist I am LOL  Another classic narcissist tactic.  Down me to my face, then brag me up to others.
7. I keep our conversations surface.  I don't talk about feelings.  Or anything that matters in real life.  That way, she can't say something stupid to piss me off.

And its been working......up to a point.  She still has baby fits and throws shit when doesn't get her way (narcissistic rage).  But its not as often as it used to be.

Then this just happens out of the blue.  I wasn't even angry with her and nothing crazy had went on lately.......so its just....shocking.

Do I regret it?  Not at all.  I am GLAD it happened.

I healed from my father's abuse mainly because he's dead.  To heal from my mother's abuse will ONLY happen if I don't see her anymore.  She'll never say she's sorry.  She'll never admit and openly talk about it.  So, if I have to deal with her, I'll just want to punch her in the face every time I see her.

Not really...but close.

So the ONLY way for me to heal, is to let go of the fairy tale she'll ever say sorry and work through this with me, and to just never see her again.

Its a tough choice, one I've made many times in the past and was ready for it.  But now that I am not ready, its actually a choice...its not anger talking.  Its not an empty threat.  Its 100% real.  Its not really a choice at all though.......I have to protect myself and my family from her. 

She's vindictive, VERY vindictive, as per what she did last weekend I can see she still is.  So I have to be ready for her to REALLY let loose and dig into me somehow (thru our family or her friends).  My new therapist (who is AWESOME by the way!) said to practice Radical Acceptance.  If she does say something to her friends or my family and I find out?  To just let myself be angry and then say "What can I do about it?"  The answer will be "nothing" and I need to go do something else and let it go.

::::::deep breath::::::

I can do this. 

It hurts beyond anything I've ever had to choose.  It hurts for me to think of her dying alone.  It hurts for me to know nobody will be there to help her when she's old and needs it.....but I just can't.  I am not made of stone.  But I have to stand up for my LIFE.  She's ruined so much of it.......I have to stand up for my kids......I don't want her to ruin any of their life anymore either.

I now have to pick up the pieces she's left jagged & chipped within my soul and make them whole again.

Who knows, maybe after years of me working on this, I will be able to see her once in awhile and let her cruel words roll off of my back like they were nothing?

And maybe not.

And that's the part that hurts most.

I love my mother because she tried to raise me.  She failed miserably, but she tried. 

But now its time to fix all the damage she left behind and move forward.

I was given this life for a reason.  I need to remember that. 

I can do this.

But sometimes, I just want to ask the powers that be, "Why was I not good enough to have a real mother?"

And then I remember, I am good enough.   She just wasn't a good enough mother.