Today a little baby fell from his high nest in our tree.  He was a baby squirrel.

We tried our damnedest to save him, too.  We put him in a box with snuggly cloth napkins, put a hot water bottle in there to keep him warm, bought and fed him pedialyte, and then eventually bought him a cage and some formula.  But on our way home, our squiggly little active squirrel baby crawled onto his hot water bottle and gently passed away.  There was no indication of internal bleeding, but alas, that was what took his life.


Its horribly, sad, as I remember as a child finding abandoned or attacked baby wildlife, and my mother would tell me "Oh god, just go put it back.  Its just a stupid animal!" 

Now as an adult, I don't have to listen to her selfish words anymore.  I can fulfill my need to take care of those who are helpless to do so themselves, and in turn nurture my children's need for the same.  I can be the mother I never had. 

But today we still lost him.  All our work was not just in vain though as we gave him more than his squirrely family would have in his last hours, as he did not die 1) thirsty, 2) cold, and 3) alone.  I fed him with a dropper, held him, and his water bottle kept him warm.  When we left to go buy him a cage and some formula, I knew we should not leave him alone.  And alas, he passed away in my son's lap in his box. 

He knew he was loved by those who he'd not normally interact with.  I hope we eased his fear a bit, and made him comfortable during those last little moments. 

He wasn't "just a squirrel".  He was Mr. Squeakers.  He was our little guy for a few hours.  We banded together as a family to try to save him.  We had dreams for raising him, and how it would all work.  He was, and still is, important to us.  And now we're planning his funeral. 

But I don't have to listen to that horrid voice of assholeyness telling me "Get that stupid thing out of here!!"  Never once did she help me.  Not once.  She was heartless most of the time.  And still is. 

Unless it benefits her in some way.  

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UPDATE: Yes, I did talk to her after she sent that letter, I called her on that Friday to tell her "When you're ready to speak the truth, call me".  Instead she waited a week and called to ask about my old cat and for us to come pick up a chair.  So we picked up it, and all she did was ANNOY ME with acting like her old self, not wanting to listen to me at all.  So that was the last we spoke.  I have no need or want to call her. 

I was ready to go back and ignore it all.  But after seeing her and it didn't take 5 minutes to piss me off, I remembered why I can't stand being around her. 

One day at a time, right? 

If you're waiting for an apology from the narcissist, PLEASE, just let that go now - You'll NEVER get one that means anything. Even if they say the words...they don't MEAN it.

Here's why Narcissists are incapable of ever genuinely apologizing:

1. They don't accept responsibility - it's ALWAYS someone else's fault

2. Power & Control prevents them from truly being vulnerable enough to apologize

3. Their disordered personality construct is designed NOT to tolerate shame / vulnerability. Culpability, personal self blame is required in order to feel both guilty and genuinely sorry.

4. They don't have boundaries. They don't recognize that you are a separate person. If they don't feel the hurt that they caused you, then they think YOU couldn't possibly feel it either; thus preventing them from empathizing enough to offer an apology.

5. Seered Conscience - Narcissists are incapable of answering to a Higher Power, when they believe they're their own higher power (don't listen to them tell you they're a christian - that's just another "image" they pretend to have); thus, they don't have a conscience to appeal to. With NOTHING or NO ONE to convict them of wrongdoing...they're "scott free".

1. She is not my mother, she is my mom. There is a difference.  A mother holds you and tells you everything will be all right.  A mother helps her daughter become a better woman, and teaches her with care how to navigate the ways of the world.  A mother loves her daughter.  A mother puts her daughter first, over everything and everyone else if the need arises.  A mother will do anything to protect her daughter.  A mother is......everything my mom is not.
2. My sister in law has Asperger's.  At first, she would piss me off with her inability to say "I love you, too" back when my children would say "I love you!"  She was irritating and I just didn't get her.  Why couldn't she be normal????!!!!  But then realized what was actually wrong with her and now we accept her "as is".  Not like she's a damaged product, but as a human being who's brain is capable of doing the things everyone else does naturally.  My mom is the same.  She is incapable.  I have to accept that, and treat her as so.  I can do as I do with SIL and see the little things she gives us.....and know that our relationship with her will never be normal.  She is 5 years older than my husband, but he's the big brother, because she is mentally younger than him.  My mother is mentally incapable of being nice (without it benefiting her).  And I just have to accept that.  She will never be a real mother, just as my husband will never have a relationship with his sister that he would like.  But instead of having expectations, we need to remember with those who are mentally incapable, our relationships are just "different".  Not wrong or right, just "different".  And we can't hold them up to the same expectations as those who are capable.
3. I don't have to let her words hurt me anymore, from the past or in the future.  So she told her friends I was a whore at 14 when I was raped....that hurt. Yes it will always hurt.  But in a different way.  Instead of hurting like an open, gaping wound, it hurts like a sore scab.  Its healing, but it still needs time.  When I look at her now, I feel sorrow for her.  I feel that deep down inside she has some sort of pain leftover from our abuse and her abuse alone from her own parents.  One day we might talk about it, or not.  I need to learn to heal alone, and not need her "motherly" form of healing.  Cause I'll never get it, this I know.  So if she says something in the future?  I will see her as a mentally handicapped person instead of a person capable of saying and doing the right things.  I want to be able to laugh it off and just roll my eyes and walk away.  Like how you'd treat a person with dementia.....if they do something mean or say something mean, you just say "Okay, let's talk about something else instead" and giggle at them, knowing they do not realize what they say.

When you first have the N-realisation, you will typically find that you enter a period of an absolute roller-coaster of emotions. 

The first thing you’ll feel is elation. It’s not you, you’re not crazy. There is such freedom and relief in that that you might feel nearly giddy with it. 

But then might come a sense of desolation. You have to realise, once and for all, that she never loved you, and that is a very, very hard thing to accept. You may well experience grief as much as if she had died - and in a way she has, in that your image of her as nice and loving has died.

And then guilt might rear its head. How could you possibly think so badly of your mother?? Your own mother! How horrible and ungrateful a daughter are you...

And then euphoria might come back, as it hits you again how it was not you, that you are not crazy, and that you are now free from a lifetime of those lies.

And then sadness maybe ... grief for that little girl and young woman that you were, who believed all the lies and who wasted so many years.

Anger, and even rage, will no doubt rear up too. Fury maybe. How dare she treat you like that? How dare she abuse you (for that's what it was, make no mistake)? You might even have fantasies and dreams of inflicting violence on her.

More guilt then - how can you be so angry at your own mother?

And fear for the future - what now, for your relationship with her? Will you stay in touch, or will you leave the relationship? Each of those is a big decision, with massive implications, and that can be overwhelming at this time.

If you're Christian you might butt up against the issue about honouring your mother and father, and be buried in that dilemma. Is thinking this about your mother dishonouring her?

And then hope might raise its head - maybe you're wrong! Maybe if you try just a tiny bit harder, you can sort it out with her, earn her love, get a proper relationship with her.

Despair is another ingredient in this roller coaster too. How can you possibly heal from all the fallout of this? How can you ever reclaim all the things that should have been your birthright, such as self-esteem and confidence?

Well, the good news is that a huge part of what I'll be sharing with you in this Guidebook will be the answers to the above dilemmas, and we'll go through each of them in the coming weeks. For now, though, here's the solution:

• Take deep breaths. Literally. Every time you feel yourself getting overwhelmed or stressed by this, consciously take at least ten deep breaths. When we're stressed we breathe from our chest, and phsyically doing the opposite of that, i.e. breathing from our diaphragm, calms us.
• Try EFT. I'll be going into more detail about how to use it on these issues in the coming weeks, but for now, just Tap when you feel stressed, without saying anything, and note how it calms you.
• Know that this will pass. It's a process, not a situation. You're not doomed to live in this chaos and confusion forever.
• Accept the roller-coaster. Don't try to fight it. You are processing huge stuff here. You're changing your very paradigm, or world-view, of how life is, and who you are. That's massive work all by itself - of course it's going to cause upheaval. So don't try to fight that.
• If at all possible don't do any other big life-change stuff while this process is going on, say for three months or so. So if you can avoid moving house, changing jobs etc, then do so. You don't need more stress right now.
• Accept all the feelings. Don't berate yourself for having them. They are what they are, just accept them. Try to observe them if possible - that stops them being so overwhelming. Observe them and accept them without swimming in them. This technique can take practice, but it's very much worth doing.
• If you have a partner, ask him/her to support you during this time. They don't have to understand what's going on (there's more information later in this program on that), just to accept and support you. The same goes for adult children. If you have younger children then it's not appropriate to burden them with this, just try to put on a brave face for them as much as possible.
• Be kind to yourself. Give yourself little treats such as a nice walk, a hot bath, a couple of hours to read a novel and so on. Being nice to yourself might seem very challenging and just WRONG, so don't do it if it causes more stress. But if at all possible, nurture yourself at this time. 
• Acknowledge, applaud and maybe even celebrate your courage. You're facing up to something most people can never bring themselves to do, i.e. the fact that your mother/parents were abusive. Be proud of that.

As I said, we'll be visiting these issues, and more, as the course develops.

All best, Danu

I got the idea for this blog post from a blog I read today:

"Like a dog that always comes home to the master no matter how the master regards the dog".