So many websites and Facebook pages for help with the recovery from narcissistic abuse are very anti-narcissist. 

Its really sad to see these people so filled with hate and rage towards their abusers. 

I get it.  I totally get it.  Some narc's are are vile, despicable, and "evil" people.  Some do horribly abusive things that deserves jail time or might classify them as as sociopath or psychopath. 

But the word "evil" would suggest there is a choice.  And narc's don't choose what they do.  Whether its learned behavior or born, it doesn't matter, they don't choose it.

Its a mental illness or disorder, just like being bi-polar.  You can't blame a bi-polar person for their behavior, right?

You can't blame an NPD person either, well, to a point. 

There is a point where when they can accept their diagnosis and work on changing their reactions and behavior.  Or can they?  I think some can. 

My mother?  I will say no, only because I don't want to hold onto hope that she can change. 

But I don't hate her. 

She was a pretty terrible mother, and really wasn't a mother at all.  Her actions were sometimes out of love, but mostly out of selfishness.  She's not a full-blown narc, so there are some normal actions and behaviors she has.

But most of what she says (and still says, as per her friends tell me) are either lies, condescending, or just plain ignoring.  She's still making up these little "white lies" to make herself look better, and now her friends can actually see it.  They question her, whereas they didn't before. 

I can't hate her, but I don't love her either.  I feel like I should have love for her because I call her "mother", but she's not one.  So where is the love supposed to come in?  I wish her well in life and even though I can't hate her (or my ex, or my ex-MIL), I don't have to subject myself to any more abuse.  I sound like a broken record here, but I need to remind people of this fact: you do NOT need to subject yourself to their abuse, even if they are family. 

You owe it to yourself to heal and find out who you are without the narcissistic in your life, because more than likely you are who they have molded you to be (with you fighting against it).  I owe it to myself and my family as well. 

Family means nothing, unless they act like family.  That is my motto.  Always has been, and always will be.  The only time this DOES NOT apply is when the person is your child.  If your child is a narc, you can still love them and help them, but also not be subject to their abuse.  When I find out some articles or websites that can help with this (How not to be a Victim of Narcissistic Abuse), i will definitely post them.  If you google it and find some good info, please post it.  I did find a new page someone suggested to me that I will post on my "links" page (when I get it up). 

So to make a long story short, you can heal without hating your narcissist.  Its not necessary.  Hate has no place in this world and is not a natural way to live.  Anger, yes, but hate?  It only hurts you.