I got the idea for this blog post from a blog I read today:

"Like a dog that always comes home to the master no matter how the master regards the dog".

Back when I was a kid, my dad, while drunk, would take out his belt and run after our dog and hit him.  I don't know why my mom allowed it, but maybe it was because he wasn't hitting her that she didn't mind?  She let him come after me, so why not a dog, right?

But anyways, my point is to say, that my dog didn't hold that against my dad.  My dog loved my father.  But my dog did attack my best friend (who was a guy) and hated all other men.

But he loved my dad. 

He always came back to him for love, for nurturing.  And he got it.  My dad didn't always hit him.  Just when he was in a certain kind of drunk mood.  Other times, my dad would wrestle him on the floor (once my dad got stuck in the splits because he was wasted and tried to wrestle our big 'ol dog, but his legs split apart and WHAM hit the floor!  It was kinda amusing at the time).

But my dad still abused him. 

So, all of these years that my mom and I had "such a great relationship" (as everyone says), was just me being a dog, running back for more nurturing.  But the opposite always happened: I didn't get it. She was never proud of me (only in front of my husband she'd act like I did something right).  She never gave me proper advice.  Hell, she never listened to me. 

She'd interrupt.  She'd ignore and act like I wasn't even talking.  Or she'd just walk out of the room. 

I'd love to have a fucking hat-cam and go talk to her about everything, just to show everyone I am not crazy, she is. 

But I am no longer that dog, running back for acceptance and love.  I allowed her to treat me badly all of these years.  When I don't let her, I get slapped in the face, just as I did 8 years ago when she told me I was a pervert for sleeping next to my boys (we had left their father and were living with her...my boys were 3 and 7 back then).  I told her to shut up and I was sick of her saying that (it was an ongoing thing with her) so she got up and slapped me.  I slapped her back, and she told me I was "crazy and insane for slapping my mother".  Never mind the fact she slapped me first for no reason. 

I could call her today, as she came by my book sale while I was inside and asked my husband for me to call her.  I could call her tomorrow.  But why?  I am not a German shepard/collie mix seeking attention from my abuser.  I don't need her attention.  She has nothing for me anymore.  There is nothing left to say. 

I want to scream at her again.  I want to yell at her and say "WHY DID YOU SAY THAT TO ME THE LAST TIME?????  THAT YOU'D CHOOSE MY FATHER OVER ME EVERY TIME???? WHEN HE ABUSED YOUR CHILD???"  But what will that do?  All I am doing is seeking more abuse by saying anything to her, because that's exactly what she'll give me. 

I loved my dog and miss him like crazy.  He was awesome.  He used to sleep under my crib to protect me and growl at anyone who came into the room.  He also used to walk with me outside when I'd get out into the front, and not let me cross the street.  He was the only protector I had when I was little. 

He died at 15 from cancer.  Even thru my father's abuse, he NEVER once turned on me.  He never growled at me, and when there were storms, he'd seek my bed for comfort.  This really makes me want to cry when I think about what my poor dog had to put up with.  He was big enough to take my dad out, but never once so much as snarled at him.

I am sorry Big Boy, you had to endure my father's abuse.  But I've learned from you that I will not go back for more, even if she is "my mother".  She has never been a real mother, she doesn't even know what that means.  So I don't even like calling her that. 

But I loved my dog.  He was my one and only real friend and real family back then.  My entire family is self-absorbed and jerky.  I miss him everyday, and when I find a pic of him, I will post it :) 

He was more than a dog, he was special.  He was my Big Boy.  Anyone that abuses a dog or lets a dog gets abused does not deserve to claim ownership of him.  So I hereby declare him as only my dog :) 

But that blog and my dog, taught me a very valuable lesson:  I will not seek love out where love obviously does not live.  Its like stalking an abusive ex who never loved you.  Its says more about you than them.  Do you really want that kind of "love"?

But if you are strong enough to realize this?  (and you are)  You can see that you are not a dog, you are a human being deserving of love and deserving of respect.  Dogs also deserve that, but the poor babies don't know any better.  Yet we do.  We can realize just how abusive someone is and walk away from it.  Its not easy, but its easier for us than it is for dogs.  And that says something, doesn't it?

We are capable of putting ourselves first when we need to, and if you are in the same boat?  You need to.  I need to. 

Not just us, but our families, too.  Grandma can rub off on them, and that's a fate worse than diarrhea!  I shudder at the thought.....but it happens.  I am dealing with that right now, actually.

But you?  You can rise above the idea that just because people are your parents, it doesn't make them the "end all be all" or even worth giving another chance if you don't want to.  The word mother literally means "she had sex and you popped out of her vagina" (or in my case, they paid money to adopt me).  But if they can't BE your mom?  Then they aren't.  Having sex or adopting you doesn't give them a license to treat you like shit. 

Would you accept that behavior from a spouse or friend?  NO.  Then she can't do it either. 

Simple as that. 

Dogs are loving creatures.  And blindly obedient.  Now is the time to work on us stopping our blind obedience. 

Open your eyes....what do you see?

You need to heal and work on you.  And I need to work on me.