When you first have the N-realisation, you will typically find that you enter a period of an absolute roller-coaster of emotions. 

The first thing you’ll feel is elation. It’s not you, you’re not crazy. There is such freedom and relief in that that you might feel nearly giddy with it. 

But then might come a sense of desolation. You have to realise, once and for all, that she never loved you, and that is a very, very hard thing to accept. You may well experience grief as much as if she had died - and in a way she has, in that your image of her as nice and loving has died.

And then guilt might rear its head. How could you possibly think so badly of your mother?? Your own mother! How horrible and ungrateful a daughter are you...

And then euphoria might come back, as it hits you again how it was not you, that you are not crazy, and that you are now free from a lifetime of those lies.

And then sadness maybe ... grief for that little girl and young woman that you were, who believed all the lies and who wasted so many years.

Anger, and even rage, will no doubt rear up too. Fury maybe. How dare she treat you like that? How dare she abuse you (for that's what it was, make no mistake)? You might even have fantasies and dreams of inflicting violence on her.

More guilt then - how can you be so angry at your own mother?

And fear for the future - what now, for your relationship with her? Will you stay in touch, or will you leave the relationship? Each of those is a big decision, with massive implications, and that can be overwhelming at this time.

If you're Christian you might butt up against the issue about honouring your mother and father, and be buried in that dilemma. Is thinking this about your mother dishonouring her?

And then hope might raise its head - maybe you're wrong! Maybe if you try just a tiny bit harder, you can sort it out with her, earn her love, get a proper relationship with her.

Despair is another ingredient in this roller coaster too. How can you possibly heal from all the fallout of this? How can you ever reclaim all the things that should have been your birthright, such as self-esteem and confidence?

Well, the good news is that a huge part of what I'll be sharing with you in this Guidebook will be the answers to the above dilemmas, and we'll go through each of them in the coming weeks. For now, though, here's the solution:

• Take deep breaths. Literally. Every time you feel yourself getting overwhelmed or stressed by this, consciously take at least ten deep breaths. When we're stressed we breathe from our chest, and phsyically doing the opposite of that, i.e. breathing from our diaphragm, calms us.
• Try EFT. I'll be going into more detail about how to use it on these issues in the coming weeks, but for now, just Tap when you feel stressed, without saying anything, and note how it calms you.
• Know that this will pass. It's a process, not a situation. You're not doomed to live in this chaos and confusion forever.
• Accept the roller-coaster. Don't try to fight it. You are processing huge stuff here. You're changing your very paradigm, or world-view, of how life is, and who you are. That's massive work all by itself - of course it's going to cause upheaval. So don't try to fight that.
• If at all possible don't do any other big life-change stuff while this process is going on, say for three months or so. So if you can avoid moving house, changing jobs etc, then do so. You don't need more stress right now.
• Accept all the feelings. Don't berate yourself for having them. They are what they are, just accept them. Try to observe them if possible - that stops them being so overwhelming. Observe them and accept them without swimming in them. This technique can take practice, but it's very much worth doing.
• If you have a partner, ask him/her to support you during this time. They don't have to understand what's going on (there's more information later in this program on that), just to accept and support you. The same goes for adult children. If you have younger children then it's not appropriate to burden them with this, just try to put on a brave face for them as much as possible.
• Be kind to yourself. Give yourself little treats such as a nice walk, a hot bath, a couple of hours to read a novel and so on. Being nice to yourself might seem very challenging and just WRONG, so don't do it if it causes more stress. But if at all possible, nurture yourself at this time. 
• Acknowledge, applaud and maybe even celebrate your courage. You're facing up to something most people can never bring themselves to do, i.e. the fact that your mother/parents were abusive. Be proud of that.

As I said, we'll be visiting these issues, and more, as the course develops.

All best, Danu