Each day is a choice.  Each day is a struggle with her.....whether I talk to her or not. 

Each day I still don't know what to fucking do.

Yesterday she calls for me to come get stuff from her.  I found us both having NO IDEA what to say to one another.  So I do what I always do when nobody talks....I start babbling.

So why am I even talking to her at all? 

Honestly? 

I need things from her. 

I know that sounds assholey.  It sounds douchey and selfish.  But this bitch told her friends I was a whore at 14.  This bitch picked my father's abuse over me and still does.  Fuck her.

Do I still love her?  I don't know anymore.  At least my father was sorry for his abuse.  My mother can't even admit it. 

Do I hate her?  No.  I really don't.  I am angry at her still. 

I thought I could just be okay and forgive her, but as long as she keeps pretending like nothing happened, I will always be angry.  I have no idea how to let that go. 

I wish I was financially well off enough to set her free.  To not let it all go.  But I know I will need her to help us sometime.  And perhaps soon. 

I don't need her approval anymore.  I don't her love.  I am finally over all of that.  I could care less what she thinks of me.  She can call her a whore till the slutty cows home home......I just need her to do what she does best (and always has), help me with my bills. 

I am more angry after I see her than I am if I don't......why?  Cause it brings up EVERYTHING all over again.  When I don't see her, I can fix stuff in my own head.....I can forgive and let go.  But seeing her?  I want to fucking SCREAM at her!  "Why can't you admit you were a horrible mother and still am???"  "Why can't you say sorry to me????"  "Why are you such a fucked up bitch???" 

I don't know how to feel about it all.  But time will happen, and things will come up and things will change.  I don't need to fix it all right now. 

Right now, I just need to find an outlet for my anger rather than stewing in it. 

I just thought it was over.  Turns out....human relationships?  Not so easy.  Not so black and white.  Who knew? 

Its funny though, how I went thru 12 years (and that's not counting the time he was living), with being angry and hurt by my father's abuse, and now every time I think of him I feel absolutely NO anger towards him.  Its so peaceful and surprising.  I never thought that day would come...but here I am, with nothing but love for the guy. 

I hope one day I can get there with my mother, without having her to have be dead. 

But I feel deep down the only way that would happen is for her to admit it all....for her to apologize.  But deep down, I know that can't happen.  And I really really REALLY can't accept that. 

It's not fair....they get to abuse us, and then get to pretend like they didn't, and there's nothing we can do about it.

It's just not fair.