So here I am, November 11, 2013, and back into the world that is my mother.  The world revolves there.  She just got a new dog.  And at first it was my job to take her out and walk her.  Mind you, I live a block away LOL  But I love the dog, so what can you do?

Now she's more comfortable with it all, but I know my mom.  She gets bored REAL fast and guarantee you I will end up with a new dog within a year.  "Oh its too hard!"  "Oh, I just can't do it anymore!"  Cats are easy for her, you just "let them outside".  Without shots.  Or flea meds.  And hope they come back home.  If not, get a new one.

I feel assholey to say that, but that's how she's been my whole life.  I hope this time is different, but she has no fenced in yard, so I KNOW how this will turn out.

My mom HATES anything she has to work for.  I am 100% serious.  She won't even play one of her games (aka. Seek and Find games) if its timed.  Cause its work.

If she has to try more than 2 times, she's done with something.  She gives up more than any person I know on Earth.

I've had to fight my urges my whole life to not be like her.  My innate self wants to give up.  I get bored and tired of something, but I have learned: anything worth doing will be hard work.  So I've pushed against that wall that is my mother's behavior continuously my whole life.

And YET the times I do give up?  I got scolded for it. 

Then there were times I didn't want to give up, and she gave up for me.  She was bored with me ice skating, something I LOVED and made me quit.  "Its too much money," she'd say.  But my dad worked like 70+ hours a week and had an excellent job and I was an only child.  And our mortgage was $500 for 30 years.  So where did this magical amount of "too much money" for something your child desperately wants to do come into play?  Granted, I may be remembering wrong and maybe I gave up too.....but I know I didn't want to.  I am sure if I did, it was to please my mother.

That's all everything is with her: gaining her approval.  And when you don't?  You clearly know it.

Today I decided to break down a wall I had put up since June and tell her an issue I was having in my life, and she just fucking ignored me. 

Then I went to her house to borrow her car (our is not working right) and she ignored me some more. And I was all upset and hurt. 

Then I said "Whoah!  Hold up!  She can't make me sad anymore.....what the hell?  This was MY fault, I was the one who shared something with her that I knew full well she would not care about." 

And I instantly felt better.  She can't hurt me anymore.  Sure, maybe for a bit, but then I realize I am the one in control, not her.  She doesn't get to make me feel ANYTHING anymore.  Only I do. 

And while I am still doing stuff for her and have her in my life, our relationship is NOT the same in the least.  But I am not the same in the least.  She is.  But I am not, and that's all that matters.

I hope those of you who are going thru the same thing can find the strength to not be that person anymore either :)