I totally have been in a calm place with my mother for the past many months.  Nothing significant has happened.  Although the anger is still there, creeping below the surface, threatening to blow at any given moment when its applicable.  Meaning, when she acts like a fool.

So what happened the other day, I am surprised that I did not blow up.

My mother took my son on Thursday, the 17th to see some WWII planes and I stayed back at her house to play with her dog and our new kitten.  I needed some paper and took a pad down, which was in plain sight.  Totally not hidden.  It just dawned on me that my mother recently had cleaned the shit out of her all her drawers and computer desk and everything everywhere, and that was in plain sight.  Hmmm.....left for me to find "accidentally?"

So the letter started nice, to my mother's deceased husband's oldest daughter (confusing much?), which by marriage I guess would be my stepsister?  Whatever.  I don't call her that.

But anyways, my mom really doesn't like her. 

So she writes in this letter that "Once she stopped harassing you, she then turned on me" or something of the sort.  Or something like "she turned her (something I can't remember at the moment) on me".  I will find the paper and put it in where when I find it.

*sigh*  Goes to show: even when a narc is being nice, they aren't actually being nice.  It's all a pretend joke to them.  A game.

As a child I thought my mother was a saint.  For real.  Like a real saint.  That's the only way I can explain it. 

I thought my mother didn't do anything wrong, like ever.  She never cheated in a game.  She never ate sweets.  She didn't drink soda (but yet she drank beer---LOTS of beer).  She was perfect.  But I also remember her planting that into my mind.  "Oh I HATE sweets, I only make them for you guys!" She constantly was making homemade cookies.  Like, CONSTANTLY.  But I never saw her eat any. 

I, on the other hand, was fallible.  I ate my share and her share of cookies.  I'd sneak them during TV time before bed.  I'd sneak them any time she wasn't in the room.

Eating at my house was a thing.  It was always a thing.  Sometimes a good thing, but usually a bad thing. 

Breakfast was sugary cereal.  Always. 

Lunch was non-existent.  She would make pb&J when I was a kid, but that was the most she'd do.  She never "cooked" anything for lunch.  Ever.  Or it was leftovers from the night before.  I do recall her making chicken salad that would last a week in the fridge for lunches, but that was the absolute most.  When she got custody of my step-sisters, she NEVER ever cooked.  They had to make their own sandwiches.  The most she did was get out bags of chips.  That's it.  When my kids are hungry for lunch, they are Satan.  She sighs in disgust and is like "OH god, hurry up!  We've got things to do!"  Or she takes us out for lunch, but normally at some strange hour, after everyone is starving to death.  I am hypoglycemic, but she treats me like I am crazy.  Although her brother has diabetes, and treats him like "OH GOD THE WORLD WILL EXPLODE IF HE DOESN'T GET FOOD!"  True, his world WOULD explode....but for the same reason I need to eat at certain times too.  But I don't count see.  My issues aren't real to her.  Never have been, never will be.

Dinner on the other hand....now that shit was sacred.  You HAVE to be at the dinner table.  You HAVE to be sitting in your seat at 6pm on the dot.  Or else all hell broke loose.  She cooked these huge dinners with enough leftovers to feed an army. 

I don't know what it is from her own childhood that she treats food like the devil.  Or rather treats being hungry like the devil.  She doesn't eat breakfast, and for lunch she eats popcorn.  She's not supposed to eat sweets, but I find wrappers hidden in her wastebasket sometimes before she empties it.  LOTS of wrappers.  Makes me wonder all those years if she was also eating the cookies and kept making more to cover that fact up? 

And why is dinner so important?  That must be from her childhood too.  Must have been ingrained into her brain.  She must have been impressionable because even though she tried to ingrain that into me, it didn't work.  I wonder....were her dinners as a child fun?  Were they scary?  Did they have to clean their plates?  I am sure they did.  My mom used to say "I was the first one at the dinner table and the last one to leave".  I always wondered what that meant?  She was rail thin as a child...sickly looking even.  Were they starved?  Did they not get breakfast and lunch?  If my mom ate so much, why was she so sickly looking?  Was dinner the only meal?  I don't think so.  She always said they walked home for lunch (the school was right there).  What did they eat?  Did they have to fix it themselves? 

I think I will drop questions now and then to figure it out.  Inquiring minds want to know!  She has this really horrible, horrible relationship with food.  Was she shamed as a child for the food she ate?

Also growing up, my mom fed me full of sugar (could be why I am hypoglycemic now).  We always had kool-aid.  Always.  And cookies.  And sweets of all sorts.  And poptarts.  And nasty shit.  She fed the same diet to my step-sisters.....and they got fat really quickly living with her.  The little one was bone thin, and when she left to go back to her mother, she was pudgy.  Why would a mother of any sort do that to children?  What's so deep inside of her that shames her that she feels like she has to make others fat?

She does the same to my kids.  My son said "I am trying to lose weight, could you not bring cookies out every time I come over?  I have no willpower and will eat it."  So what did she do?  Put MORE cookies and shit out.  Her house is stocked with so much sugar, all the time.  She buys hordes of sweets for my family and I just chuck it into the garbage.  What is her relation to sugar?  Why is she like this? 

I will investigate, but since I do not speak to my family...I don't know how far I will get. 

I never wrote about what happened with my cousins.  I will write that next, but for now, my fingers are tired of typing. 

But until then.....

Oh and btw, I still fight with sugar addiction to this day.  Its a constant daily battle for me. 

I had a friend ask me today "How do you know if you're a narcissist?  The more I learn about them, the more I feel I might be one." 

God knows I've been in this same exact line of thought too many times to count.  I have lots of narcissistic tendencies, esp. due to the fact there was nobody to emotionally raise me and I was stuck doing it myself.  So from a very young age, I had to learn how to cope with abuse and neglect on my own.  What kid in that position would NOT become more selfish than others their own age?

Also then you add in the fact I was an only child, so it was a recipe for selfishness disaster.

But here is how I answered my friend today:

"I would have to say that if you think you are one, you're not. Because the true narcissist cannot even for one moment fathom being something other than always right. If you admit you're a narcissist, then that would prove you are wrong. 

 Now, if you were RAISED by a narcissist (OR have a codependent personality and have been around narcissists, whether raised or dated them or were friends with some), you will have narcissistic tendencies. These are not TRUE tendencies, but learned. So if you can look at yourself and say "Wow, that's just not right I do that" (Which I do it all the time LOL), you just have learned tendencies. 

Narcissists also borderline on being sociopathic (and sociopaths usually ARE narcs, but not all narcs are sociopaths) because there is no remorse. Do you have remorse for the things you do wrong? If so, again, not a real narc. Narcs only have remorse when they are trying to get something out of you, because they will be sure to do it right away again if doing the bad thing helps them to get what they want.  (But its not REAL remorse, mind you.)

So no apology is a REAL apology with a narc. Everything is selfish for them. "How will this look to others?" "How will this benefit me?" These are the questions they ask before EVERY single action they take.

Even love for their own children, if it benefits them, they will "pretend" to give it. If it doesn't, they will abandon that love and manipulate said children into guilt or whatever they can to get what they want out of them."

So if you feel real remorse, if you can feel real love (without strings attached), if you can admit when you're wrong (EVEN WHEN its not in your best interest to), if you can do things that have absolutely no benefit to you....I highly doubt you're a narc. 

But the fact anyone of us can ask this of ourselves?  Means we are capable of change.  Whereas a real narcissist cannot. 

Yay us! 

"Every single action employed by the Narcissist stems from a pathological need to control others.  In order to prove your love to a Narcissist, you must surrender all power and control over to him.  In short, you must become a real-life Marionette whose only purpose is to enhance the Narcissist’s false image, take care of him like a newborn baby, and accept his self-serving abuse."

I got this from a website today and it made me remember exactly my mother's motivations at all times.

My mother has been insanely nice to me for months.  Like, kissing-my-ass nice.  I walk into the room, I am some kind of rock star.  I let myself get fooled into thinking that "well, she's going through a nice period, I'll just ride this out".  And then we almost made the biggest mistake of our lives because of it: we almost moved into her apartment building (a two story flat) to help take care of her.

Then the other day she went on about Marilyn, her BFF's mother, about how much she could not stand her.  "She sat there and LET her husband abuse her daughter.  What kind of mother does that?"

Did she forget I brought this up last summer?  No.  She was testing me.  She went on and on about it.  I just sat there, thinking "What he crap do I say??"  I was stunned...she was back to her old tricks.  *sigh*  I knew it wouldn't last.  She was testing my loyalty to her.   She wanted to see if I would back down, or remind her.  I was moving in.  So she had to be sure.  If I were to fail her test, she would have called the landlord to tell him all sorts of lies about me.  I mean, last summer she tried to get me fined and arrested, so this is a woman capable of anything.

And it was at the moment, I knew I could not live with her.  Well, until one day when she CAN'T take care of herself.  But until then, I am staying put (as long as we can sign another lease LOL). 

Then she told my kids they could not carry drinks around upstairs, even when we live there.  Even water, cause that will "mold the carpet" if spilled.  Then she tried to embarrass my son in front of her friends because he was running the stairs and pounded on the stairs.  It was just a mess.  Today she called and wanted her car at 8:30 am.  I said "I take my meds at 9."  "Bring them with you."  "I can't, I give me and my son meds at the same time.  Then I have to eat, otherwise I get low blood sugar.  And I can't eat till a half an hour to an hour after I take my meds".  She wasn't happy, but damn if I will change my fucking medication to suit her silly "time restraints". 

Now that my uncle is gone, she says "I am not on ANY time schedule!  I can do what I want!!"  But apparently that doesn't apply to others who need to be on whatever time schedule she makes up in her head. 

So "a woman capable of anything" is the mantra I have to remember.  Her bright and cheery side.....is all just an act, as long as I don't step out of line.  Because if I do, she is capable of ANYTHING.  EVERY single action has a motive.  Its so easy to forget that when they are nice.  They lure you into a false sense of security.  "She is being the mom I want".  So when we're betrayed, we are blindsided so hard, its like a real slap in the face.  And sometimes it actually is.

8 years ago in May she did just that.  Took me by surprise, too.  Sure, she was drunk, but still. 

Well, yes, so this is a HUGE thing, for use to catch ourselves before we made the biggest mistake of our lives.  I am so thankful her NPD side showed itself again, to remind me of the hell that we'd experience while living there.

I am a failure. 

My parents always made sure I knew this.  I was, and always will be a failure. 

And today, more than ever, I can see they are right. 

I can't work.  I can't drive.

What use am I? 

My anxiety prevents me from doing either of these things.  WHICH was made worse by the abuse I suffered at the hands of my parents.  So, they were giving me a prophecy to fulfill that they were actually fulfilling themselves.

No, I know I have free will.  I am not bound by their actions.  BUT I am bound by my anxiety.  I CAN control it...but not completely. 

Today I got an application for my son.  I stared at it and thought "Could I do this?  Could I work here part time?"  And I knew the answer was no.  So I handed my son the application, knowing he is capable of such things.  And I felt my failure as a human being just oozing from my pores. 

"She is incapable of normal things" the ooze would say if it could speak.  "She can't do anything."

And that's true.  I cannot.  I want to do things.  I want to work.  I want to go places.  I want to drive myself to the store to get a gallon of milk of I need to.  But I cannot. 

So here I sit, writing a blog, surfing Facebook on a Saturday night, like every Saturday night.  Or every other night of the week, too.  And I know that this is it.  This is as far as my capabilities can reach.  I would say "for now", but I know keep in my heart that its been this way for almost 16 years so, yeah.  Not much hope for change when you think about it that way, right?

I want to open my own business.  I want to start a homeschool group in my home.  I want to do all sorts of things.  But I either get bored and give up, or I just have this HUGE wall I hit when it comes down to the execution of said ideas that I can't seem to get past or break through.  So I give up and walk away, on to dream up more new ideas. 

I am safe in ideas.

There are no expectations there.  I can dream all I want, I can write down my ideas....but that's it. 

Although sometimes I do execute them, only to find out I hate it, or it fails, and I move on just the same.  But 99% of the time I just wander off. 

So, again, I ask, what use am I?  What use is a woman who dreams up dreams, and never does anything with them?  Because the pressure of succeeding means hard work and I go nuts under expectations of the follow-thru (deadlines and whatnot). 

Why am I like this?  I feel so useless.

THEN I get this letter in the mail a bit ago (I think from my cousins....because my mother told my cousins last summer that "Oh its not my fault she never made anything of her life, she chose to stay home and take care of her kids"---that's the pot calling the kettle black LOL) that is this person writing in to YogaJournal about "I am 36 and have never made anything of myself, I feel like a failure".  Yes, add more fuel to the fire assholes.

WHY ARE THERE SUCH SOCIETAL EXPECTATIONS OF ONE MAKING SOMETHING OF ONESELF????  WHY IS NOT JUST LIVING ENOUGH???

Why does the world use guilt and shame as a way to MAKE people feel like failures? 

My hubby feels this same way constantly.  NOTHING he does is good enough for himself.  Getting picked up by a major publisher?  Becoming a popular short film reviewer?  Writing books people enjoy?  Nothing.  He feels like a constant failure.  He thinks he should be more and more and more.  The world has messed up our expectations of what we SHOULD be, rather than accepting ourselves for WHO WE ARE RIGHT NOW IN THIS MOMENT. 

Our expectations are too high.

Imagine going to your 20 year reunion to say "Oh me?  I am an agoraphobic who doesn't drive by myself anywhere and I have 4 cats.  And what do you do?"  How would that one go down?

I am going to make a list of all my accomplishments.  I need to remind myself that I AM capable of doing actual things.  That I am not a "one hit wonder" if I don't choose to let myself be (meaning I will do ONE thing of something and then give up on it--making shadowboxes, writing a book, etc.).  That I DO NOT have to live my parents' prophecy of me.

Yes, my cousins have degrees.  But they are miserable people.  I have love in my heart, much more than they could ever think of having.  AND more common sense.  And more business sense in my big toe than their entire brains.  I DO NOT have to compare myself to them. 

And if my mother wants to compare me to them?  Well?  Fuck her.  Who cares.  They are miserable people who have nothing better to do than talk shit about others.  Let them.  Karma is a bitch.

And I do love Karma.  Because she always shows up right when needed.  

Having your own parents tell you that you are a failure can still with you in ways you never even realize until you actually sit down and work it out. 

I will see my therapist on Wednesday.  I hope she has some insight on this.  If so, I will post it. 

Till then, don't let your parents' words continue to rule your life either.  Seek out the truth.  WHO ARE YOU?  Are you a failure?  Are you a loser? 

Or are you a person with untapped potential that you've kept hidden until now?

Well.  I think its time we find out.

Together.

Today my therapist asked me how's your relationship with your mom now....and my one word answer:

Fake.

When you realize your mother has NPD, you either ignore them, or humor them.  Humoring someone is not a real relationship.  I love her, yes.  Like how a real human loves another human.  But her love is 100% conditional.  For real.  Its not like she's pretending her love is conditional, it really is.  She cannot love like a real human can love another human.  And we have to accept that as a shortcoming of hers if we really want to be able to heal.  (Hers, meaning your mother and mine).

So while we have a "fake" relationship, its still a type of one.  And while its not perfect, its something.  

And I guess that counts for something. 

The fact my mom treats most everyone the same sometimes makes me feel better.

But then sometimes it doesn't.  Because she doesn't treat those she sees as above her that way, only those below her. 

I am included in that category. 

So she treats me, and her 3 friends, and my kids and sometimes my hubby all the same.  She says her little phrase "Oh, you think so?" with her squinty eyes at us.  She brushes off our issues as if they are nothing.  She acts like she's humoring us with her presence. 

So in other words, we are her minions and she is queen. 

BUT to know its not just me does help me to feel better just a tad.  But her one friend is mentally retarded.  One is only slightly brain damaged because of trauma she received as a child.  And the last one, who is my friend as well, she treats as though she IS retarded.  She she lumps my intelligence into those she deems as mentally inferior.

But that's what the maternal narcissist does: turns her children into emotionally retarded people around them.  She will keep you as a child by treating you like one, make you feel crazy by not validating things that actually happened, and invalidates your feelings as if they don't count.  So no matter what, around her, you will feel like a child.  And an emotionally stunted one, at that.


So if you're used to your mother treating you in a certain way, then pay attention to how she treats others.  If you see her using the same techniques and the same "narc-y" phrases, then you can be sure of how she sees that person on her totem of narcdom.  Behind their backs she may talk shit about them, OR she may talk them up like they are AMAZING, but to their faces she treats them like shit, OR puts her "narc facade" (that mind-numbing, fake presentation of OVER niceness, and sickening sweetness). 

BUT people can go up and down her totem pole like a stripper in a show, depending on where they are are in mom's good graces.  Even if she isn't their mother.  She likes to play this game with my cousins.  She pretends to me they are AMAZING (although before they were ASSHOLES), but then others she talks shit about them (who then tell me).  And if I bring that up to her, she will deny, deny, deny!  "I never said that about them!  She must have heard wrong!"  So you quickly learn to keep your mouth shut and don't get into any "real" conversations with her about anyone else.  BUT if I prove I am a good girl and don't bring up any "triggers" for her, then I am in her good graces enough to hear her talk smack about others. 

Luckily I am not with her every day anymore, so I don't have to play that "totem pole" game.  I don't bring up my cousins.  I don't comment on them when she talks about them, other than saying "oh really?".  I talk about her cats, her dog and my pets.  I don't bring up my friends, or other people.  I try not to talk about my life except in general.  I will slip up sometimes and bring up something important to me, just out of habit.  But normally I just leave it alone.

I know she sees me as below her.  But she doesn't only see ME as below her, so I guess that's nice.  But be that as it may, I need to remember, I am NOT below her.  Though when I am around her, I sometimes have a hard time not feeling childish or as an outsider in my own mother's house.  But that's why I limit how much I see her.  Its better for my own psyche.  And I've trained myself to see when she treats others the same as myself.  It makes me sad for them, but it also makes me realize:

THIS IS ALL A GAME TO HER.  And I don't have to play it if I don't feel like it. 

Remember that.  You don't have to play their games.  You can do as I do, and just say "I gotta go!" when you've had enough.  Or you can never play the game at all. 

You and I are not below them.  We are so far above them, that they can't see us, and it scares them.  So they have to play pretend.  So let them.  Its not about you anymore.  It all about them.  They are the queens and we are the pawns.

And its okay if she thinks I am a pawn.  I know I am queen.  Not the queen of others, like she wants to be.  But the queen of me.  The queen of my own life.  And I don't need her approval.