I am a failure. 

My parents always made sure I knew this.  I was, and always will be a failure. 

And today, more than ever, I can see they are right. 

I can't work.  I can't drive.

What use am I? 

My anxiety prevents me from doing either of these things.  WHICH was made worse by the abuse I suffered at the hands of my parents.  So, they were giving me a prophecy to fulfill that they were actually fulfilling themselves.

No, I know I have free will.  I am not bound by their actions.  BUT I am bound by my anxiety.  I CAN control it...but not completely. 

Today I got an application for my son.  I stared at it and thought "Could I do this?  Could I work here part time?"  And I knew the answer was no.  So I handed my son the application, knowing he is capable of such things.  And I felt my failure as a human being just oozing from my pores. 

"She is incapable of normal things" the ooze would say if it could speak.  "She can't do anything."

And that's true.  I cannot.  I want to do things.  I want to work.  I want to go places.  I want to drive myself to the store to get a gallon of milk of I need to.  But I cannot. 

So here I sit, writing a blog, surfing Facebook on a Saturday night, like every Saturday night.  Or every other night of the week, too.  And I know that this is it.  This is as far as my capabilities can reach.  I would say "for now", but I know keep in my heart that its been this way for almost 16 years so, yeah.  Not much hope for change when you think about it that way, right?

I want to open my own business.  I want to start a homeschool group in my home.  I want to do all sorts of things.  But I either get bored and give up, or I just have this HUGE wall I hit when it comes down to the execution of said ideas that I can't seem to get past or break through.  So I give up and walk away, on to dream up more new ideas. 

I am safe in ideas.

There are no expectations there.  I can dream all I want, I can write down my ideas....but that's it. 

Although sometimes I do execute them, only to find out I hate it, or it fails, and I move on just the same.  But 99% of the time I just wander off. 

So, again, I ask, what use am I?  What use is a woman who dreams up dreams, and never does anything with them?  Because the pressure of succeeding means hard work and I go nuts under expectations of the follow-thru (deadlines and whatnot). 

Why am I like this?  I feel so useless.

THEN I get this letter in the mail a bit ago (I think from my cousins....because my mother told my cousins last summer that "Oh its not my fault she never made anything of her life, she chose to stay home and take care of her kids"---that's the pot calling the kettle black LOL) that is this person writing in to YogaJournal about "I am 36 and have never made anything of myself, I feel like a failure".  Yes, add more fuel to the fire assholes.

WHY ARE THERE SUCH SOCIETAL EXPECTATIONS OF ONE MAKING SOMETHING OF ONESELF????  WHY IS NOT JUST LIVING ENOUGH???

Why does the world use guilt and shame as a way to MAKE people feel like failures? 

My hubby feels this same way constantly.  NOTHING he does is good enough for himself.  Getting picked up by a major publisher?  Becoming a popular short film reviewer?  Writing books people enjoy?  Nothing.  He feels like a constant failure.  He thinks he should be more and more and more.  The world has messed up our expectations of what we SHOULD be, rather than accepting ourselves for WHO WE ARE RIGHT NOW IN THIS MOMENT. 

Our expectations are too high.

Imagine going to your 20 year reunion to say "Oh me?  I am an agoraphobic who doesn't drive by myself anywhere and I have 4 cats.  And what do you do?"  How would that one go down?

I am going to make a list of all my accomplishments.  I need to remind myself that I AM capable of doing actual things.  That I am not a "one hit wonder" if I don't choose to let myself be (meaning I will do ONE thing of something and then give up on it--making shadowboxes, writing a book, etc.).  That I DO NOT have to live my parents' prophecy of me.

Yes, my cousins have degrees.  But they are miserable people.  I have love in my heart, much more than they could ever think of having.  AND more common sense.  And more business sense in my big toe than their entire brains.  I DO NOT have to compare myself to them. 

And if my mother wants to compare me to them?  Well?  Fuck her.  Who cares.  They are miserable people who have nothing better to do than talk shit about others.  Let them.  Karma is a bitch.

And I do love Karma.  Because she always shows up right when needed.  

Having your own parents tell you that you are a failure can still with you in ways you never even realize until you actually sit down and work it out. 

I will see my therapist on Wednesday.  I hope she has some insight on this.  If so, I will post it. 

Till then, don't let your parents' words continue to rule your life either.  Seek out the truth.  WHO ARE YOU?  Are you a failure?  Are you a loser? 

Or are you a person with untapped potential that you've kept hidden until now?

Well.  I think its time we find out.

Together.