I had a friend ask me today "How do you know if you're a narcissist?  The more I learn about them, the more I feel I might be one." 

God knows I've been in this same exact line of thought too many times to count.  I have lots of narcissistic tendencies, esp. due to the fact there was nobody to emotionally raise me and I was stuck doing it myself.  So from a very young age, I had to learn how to cope with abuse and neglect on my own.  What kid in that position would NOT become more selfish than others their own age?

Also then you add in the fact I was an only child, so it was a recipe for selfishness disaster.

But here is how I answered my friend today:

"I would have to say that if you think you are one, you're not. Because the true narcissist cannot even for one moment fathom being something other than always right. If you admit you're a narcissist, then that would prove you are wrong. 

 Now, if you were RAISED by a narcissist (OR have a codependent personality and have been around narcissists, whether raised or dated them or were friends with some), you will have narcissistic tendencies. These are not TRUE tendencies, but learned. So if you can look at yourself and say "Wow, that's just not right I do that" (Which I do it all the time LOL), you just have learned tendencies. 

Narcissists also borderline on being sociopathic (and sociopaths usually ARE narcs, but not all narcs are sociopaths) because there is no remorse. Do you have remorse for the things you do wrong? If so, again, not a real narc. Narcs only have remorse when they are trying to get something out of you, because they will be sure to do it right away again if doing the bad thing helps them to get what they want.  (But its not REAL remorse, mind you.)

So no apology is a REAL apology with a narc. Everything is selfish for them. "How will this look to others?" "How will this benefit me?" These are the questions they ask before EVERY single action they take.

Even love for their own children, if it benefits them, they will "pretend" to give it. If it doesn't, they will abandon that love and manipulate said children into guilt or whatever they can to get what they want out of them."

So if you feel real remorse, if you can feel real love (without strings attached), if you can admit when you're wrong (EVEN WHEN its not in your best interest to), if you can do things that have absolutely no benefit to you....I highly doubt you're a narc. 

But the fact anyone of us can ask this of ourselves?  Means we are capable of change.  Whereas a real narcissist cannot. 

Yay us! 

"Every single action employed by the Narcissist stems from a pathological need to control others.  In order to prove your love to a Narcissist, you must surrender all power and control over to him.  In short, you must become a real-life Marionette whose only purpose is to enhance the Narcissist’s false image, take care of him like a newborn baby, and accept his self-serving abuse."

I got this from a website today and it made me remember exactly my mother's motivations at all times.

My mother has been insanely nice to me for months.  Like, kissing-my-ass nice.  I walk into the room, I am some kind of rock star.  I let myself get fooled into thinking that "well, she's going through a nice period, I'll just ride this out".  And then we almost made the biggest mistake of our lives because of it: we almost moved into her apartment building (a two story flat) to help take care of her.

Then the other day she went on about Marilyn, her BFF's mother, about how much she could not stand her.  "She sat there and LET her husband abuse her daughter.  What kind of mother does that?"

Did she forget I brought this up last summer?  No.  She was testing me.  She went on and on about it.  I just sat there, thinking "What he crap do I say??"  I was stunned...she was back to her old tricks.  *sigh*  I knew it wouldn't last.  She was testing my loyalty to her.   She wanted to see if I would back down, or remind her.  I was moving in.  So she had to be sure.  If I were to fail her test, she would have called the landlord to tell him all sorts of lies about me.  I mean, last summer she tried to get me fined and arrested, so this is a woman capable of anything.

And it was at the moment, I knew I could not live with her.  Well, until one day when she CAN'T take care of herself.  But until then, I am staying put (as long as we can sign another lease LOL). 

Then she told my kids they could not carry drinks around upstairs, even when we live there.  Even water, cause that will "mold the carpet" if spilled.  Then she tried to embarrass my son in front of her friends because he was running the stairs and pounded on the stairs.  It was just a mess.  Today she called and wanted her car at 8:30 am.  I said "I take my meds at 9."  "Bring them with you."  "I can't, I give me and my son meds at the same time.  Then I have to eat, otherwise I get low blood sugar.  And I can't eat till a half an hour to an hour after I take my meds".  She wasn't happy, but damn if I will change my fucking medication to suit her silly "time restraints". 

Now that my uncle is gone, she says "I am not on ANY time schedule!  I can do what I want!!"  But apparently that doesn't apply to others who need to be on whatever time schedule she makes up in her head. 

So "a woman capable of anything" is the mantra I have to remember.  Her bright and cheery side.....is all just an act, as long as I don't step out of line.  Because if I do, she is capable of ANYTHING.  EVERY single action has a motive.  Its so easy to forget that when they are nice.  They lure you into a false sense of security.  "She is being the mom I want".  So when we're betrayed, we are blindsided so hard, its like a real slap in the face.  And sometimes it actually is.

8 years ago in May she did just that.  Took me by surprise, too.  Sure, she was drunk, but still. 

Well, yes, so this is a HUGE thing, for use to catch ourselves before we made the biggest mistake of our lives.  I am so thankful her NPD side showed itself again, to remind me of the hell that we'd experience while living there.