As a child I thought my mother was a saint.  For real.  Like a real saint.  That's the only way I can explain it. 

I thought my mother didn't do anything wrong, like ever.  She never cheated in a game.  She never ate sweets.  She didn't drink soda (but yet she drank beer---LOTS of beer).  She was perfect.  But I also remember her planting that into my mind.  "Oh I HATE sweets, I only make them for you guys!" She constantly was making homemade cookies.  Like, CONSTANTLY.  But I never saw her eat any. 

I, on the other hand, was fallible.  I ate my share and her share of cookies.  I'd sneak them during TV time before bed.  I'd sneak them any time she wasn't in the room.

Eating at my house was a thing.  It was always a thing.  Sometimes a good thing, but usually a bad thing. 

Breakfast was sugary cereal.  Always. 

Lunch was non-existent.  She would make pb&J when I was a kid, but that was the most she'd do.  She never "cooked" anything for lunch.  Ever.  Or it was leftovers from the night before.  I do recall her making chicken salad that would last a week in the fridge for lunches, but that was the absolute most.  When she got custody of my step-sisters, she NEVER ever cooked.  They had to make their own sandwiches.  The most she did was get out bags of chips.  That's it.  When my kids are hungry for lunch, they are Satan.  She sighs in disgust and is like "OH god, hurry up!  We've got things to do!"  Or she takes us out for lunch, but normally at some strange hour, after everyone is starving to death.  I am hypoglycemic, but she treats me like I am crazy.  Although her brother has diabetes, and treats him like "OH GOD THE WORLD WILL EXPLODE IF HE DOESN'T GET FOOD!"  True, his world WOULD explode....but for the same reason I need to eat at certain times too.  But I don't count see.  My issues aren't real to her.  Never have been, never will be.

Dinner on the other hand....now that shit was sacred.  You HAVE to be at the dinner table.  You HAVE to be sitting in your seat at 6pm on the dot.  Or else all hell broke loose.  She cooked these huge dinners with enough leftovers to feed an army. 

I don't know what it is from her own childhood that she treats food like the devil.  Or rather treats being hungry like the devil.  She doesn't eat breakfast, and for lunch she eats popcorn.  She's not supposed to eat sweets, but I find wrappers hidden in her wastebasket sometimes before she empties it.  LOTS of wrappers.  Makes me wonder all those years if she was also eating the cookies and kept making more to cover that fact up? 

And why is dinner so important?  That must be from her childhood too.  Must have been ingrained into her brain.  She must have been impressionable because even though she tried to ingrain that into me, it didn't work.  I wonder....were her dinners as a child fun?  Were they scary?  Did they have to clean their plates?  I am sure they did.  My mom used to say "I was the first one at the dinner table and the last one to leave".  I always wondered what that meant?  She was rail thin as a child...sickly looking even.  Were they starved?  Did they not get breakfast and lunch?  If my mom ate so much, why was she so sickly looking?  Was dinner the only meal?  I don't think so.  She always said they walked home for lunch (the school was right there).  What did they eat?  Did they have to fix it themselves? 

I think I will drop questions now and then to figure it out.  Inquiring minds want to know!  She has this really horrible, horrible relationship with food.  Was she shamed as a child for the food she ate?

Also growing up, my mom fed me full of sugar (could be why I am hypoglycemic now).  We always had kool-aid.  Always.  And cookies.  And sweets of all sorts.  And poptarts.  And nasty shit.  She fed the same diet to my step-sisters.....and they got fat really quickly living with her.  The little one was bone thin, and when she left to go back to her mother, she was pudgy.  Why would a mother of any sort do that to children?  What's so deep inside of her that shames her that she feels like she has to make others fat?

She does the same to my kids.  My son said "I am trying to lose weight, could you not bring cookies out every time I come over?  I have no willpower and will eat it."  So what did she do?  Put MORE cookies and shit out.  Her house is stocked with so much sugar, all the time.  She buys hordes of sweets for my family and I just chuck it into the garbage.  What is her relation to sugar?  Why is she like this? 

I will investigate, but since I do not speak to my family...I don't know how far I will get. 

I never wrote about what happened with my cousins.  I will write that next, but for now, my fingers are tired of typing. 

But until then.....

Oh and btw, I still fight with sugar addiction to this day.  Its a constant daily battle for me.