Today is Tuesday and I hadn't talked to my mother since Christmas eve on Thursday.  Yesterday, I started feeling bad, like I was ignoring her.  But then I figuratively gave myself a slap in the face and said "WAKE UP!"  She ALSO hasn't called me, either.  So why do I feel guilty?

And sure as heck, she called today "Omg I thought you moved!  I haven't heard from you in so long!"

And THAT ladies and gents, is why I feel guilty when I don't call her for days.  Because shes says the SAME thing every single time.  Did I mention we live a block away from each other? LOL  So yeah, this time?  I was prepared.

Mom: OMG I thought you moved! I haven't heard from you in so long!

Me: Yeah, I thought the ice storm froze your house and then the wind swept it away!  I haven't heard from you since Thursday!

Mom: (Oh, she doesn't like I started playing her guilt game back to her, so she had to up the ante)  Yeah, well I thought you died!

Me: I know right? I totally thought someone poured water on you and you melted! (Just kidding! I didn't say this, but I wish I had!  LMAO  But I guarantee you, I WILL say this now that I've thought of it! haha)  What I really said was "I know, right?  I thought you decided to leave the country!"

I was not going to give up until she relented LOL  And it worked :)  She started talking about her cats and asking me what I did on Christmas day instead.  I complained about my inlaws to her (nothing big, just silly little stuff, like how my MIL opened up the gifts I bought her and she never said Thank You one time--which is better than being her normal rude self).

So there ya go.  I finally realized why that pang of guilt hit me on Monday, and then I figured out how to deal with it.  I have found out, that if you play out scenarios in your mind before they happen, you'll know exactly what to say when they do happen, and you won't be caught by surprise either.  So today, I knew exactly what to say to her when she pulled her guilt trip on me.

And now that I know what causes these feelings in me, I can combat them by reminding myself she doesn't call me either.  I think the next time she says that, and every single time thereafter, I will say exactly that, no more games: "Well, you have a phone, you can call me."  And then BAM!  Change the subject!! LOL  That should nip it in the bud.  If not, well, what can she say to that?  She can try to make something else to make me feel bad for, then I can respond with "Why do you want me to feel bad when you didn't call me either?  Let's change the subject."  Sometimes the direct approach is the only way to deal with these children. 

And let's hope this also alleviates that guilt I periodically feel, as well, now that I know what's causing it. 

he may have died a happy man, rather than one full of regret and self-loathing.

When I think about this, I imagine my father, with loving family around his deathbed, and his children holding his hands.  My father did have loving family around him that day, but he died alone, in his sleep later that night.  Which is good, I suppose.  I watched my father die once.  He just...stopped breathing.  I thought to myself, "This is it.  There is where he dies."  I was ready to accept it.  It was shocking, but not as bad I had once thought.  To watch the man you called Daddy take a breath in,  then out, then...nothing.  His battle was over, even though his battle with cancer only started a month prior, his bigger battle was finally over.

But he didn't die that day.  No, they did a suction on his lungs and he woke up enough to eventually go home and die a few weeks later at home, in his sleep.  He was grumpy after that.  So very grumpy.  He yelled at the ambulance drivers who took him home for the ride being "bumpy".  He grouched at everyone, and hardly talked to me at all.  I was at home when he died, with my then (dumbass) husband and 2 year old son.  When I got the call, it was 1am.  My mom's number came up in the caller ID.  I picked up the phone.

Me: Hello

Mom: *silence*

I knew he was dead.  And that was it.  The batter was now finally over.

Life was a constant battle for my dad.  As a baby he was given up for adoption when he was born because his father had died in WWII and having other children, his mother could not take care of him.  He was then adopted into a severely narcissistic, abusive family.  Then they adopted his sister, and then a year or so later, VOILA!  Mama is pregnant!  So when mama had the baby boy, they (my dad and his sister) were sent away on a train, alone, to stay with people, so mama could have time alone with her new bouncing, baby boy!!

My dad and his sister cried the whole way, thinking they were being given away, because now mama had a REAL child, and they, the impostors, were not needed anymore.

I want to cry as I type that.  I can't even imagine for a moment what that was like for them.  Hugging each other on the train, not knowing what would come next: whether or not they still had a home or if their mother still even wanted them.  To question their mother's love them???  What a fucking whore.  I seriously want the ability to raise people from the dead, just to punch them in the face, which is SO what I would like to do to her.

Then as they got older, mama started working for this gigantically fat man (I only say this because as a child he was the biggest man I'd ever seen), whom she promptly started fucking.  He bought her jewelry, took her on vacations, and everyone knew they were having an affair, and she flaunted it in front of her husband's face.  She'd bring her boss home for dinner with everyone there.  The kids knew what was going on, and hated them and their father, who did nothing about it, for it.  Eventually she and her husband divorced (and I assume SHE divorced him, because he would just sit there and let her do whatever she wanted and would not stand up to her at all) and she married her boss.

The kids were almost grown and HATED their new "stepfather".  Once, my father opened the basement door as his "stepfather" was coming up the stairs and hit him square in the face with the backside of said door, knocking the man to the floor.  "Oops," he said, as he peeked around the corner, which what I can imagine as a snicker beneath his breath.  Vindication!  Even if only for a moment!

From there, he started dating my mother in high school when he was a senior, she was 15 and he was 17.  When he graduated high school, he promptly joined the airforce.  Everyone in the community knew his mother was a "tramp" and everyone was always talking about it, so why not leave?  Then, when my mother turned 19 and my dad 21, my parents got married.  Their first year of marriage my dad was stationed in Thailand for Vietnam.  During that time, my dad wrote to my mother constantly, including love poems.  I was always shocked at the content.  Not because it was sexual, but because it was real, loving, and intimate.  It was a side of my father, a man unable to express his feelings in any manner, putting down his heart on paper, so very elegantly and sweetly.  (sidenote, my mother destroyed these letters after my father's death, something I still haven't gotten over...even though the letters were hers to destroy, they were a part of my history I would have liked to keep)

After that, my dad worked for Coke as a truck driver.  He also worked at the airport fixing airplanes.  Then eventually he became a local truck driver, which he was for around 40 years, working 80 hours a week.  I have no idea why my dad felt he needed to work that much, I am assuming my mother pushed him to it, so she could stay home with their child (they adopted me back in the late 70's) after a stillbirth/miscarriage.

My father would get up at 4 am or earlier for work, come home at 6pm or later.  I hardly saw him.  When I did, he was drunk most of the time, esp. on the weekends.  Where was this man who pledged his love in love letters, written songs and poems?  Where was this young kid who was a "riot" in Latin class (which is what I learned recently from a yearbook that was given to me by a family member), who made these other kids' lives worth coming to school every single day?  School probably was his ONLY outlet for fun growing up. 

A happy, go lucky kid, could have stayed a happy go lucky adult, had he only found the right woman to be with.  A non-abusive woman who loved him more than she loved herself.  Instead, he married a woman who ONLY loved herself (or actually, she loved nobody, not even herself).  In every aspect of the idea except literally, he married his mother.


I imagine what his life would had been like had he just been with another woman.  He could have kept up with his music (he was a wonderful and talented musician, who, when I was growing up, only played when he was wasted, BUT was in a very popular band in high school, and was friends with a very globally popular band at that time-before they were famous), and he could have had a job he loved.  He could had been happy.  He may have never started drinking (he grew up from age 17 on being around my mother's Swedish family who drank like they were Irish, so it was all he saw--deal with your problems by drinking them away!).  He may still had gotten stomach cancer (though I doubt it, as I really blame the drinking that caused his acid reflux which in return, caused his cancer), but at least he have died with less regret.  Sure, he'd still have regret, we all do, but he beat my mother regularly when drunk and mentally tormented me and I can't say you'd have much more regret than that, other than murdering people.  He wasted his life, and he knew it, which caused him to have copious amounts of depression his entire adult life.  Being drunk was the ONLY way to combat that and feel semi-normal.

On the flipside, we could say that he may still have had depression....he may still had found his way to the beer can, and he may still have been abusive to a good woman, rather than to a woman who was more abusive right back to him.  So who knows?

But I still feel for him.  And I still can't imagine the things I don't know about (like what else went on in his life that I don't know about).  I know he didn't deserve this life.  He deserved better.  Not that abusing us was okay, it wasn't.  But I can see the pattern that caused it.  And he didn't deserve to subjected to that way of life and biology that caused him to be who and what he was.

I am going to look up his family.  Check out his adoption records, find his brothers and sisters.  I want to know my dad.  Even the parts of him he never knew.  He was never okay with being adopted, but I am.  And I am okay with him.  We are okay.  He's been dead 15 years (it feels like 5 at times, and other times it feels like forever, another lifetime ago) and now I think I'd like to look up his family and know where he came from.  Maybe I'll find answers to why he was the way he was?  Maybe I won't.  Doesn't matter.  To know is to understand and I am more about understanding people than to hate them.

One day I'll look to understand my mother.  But for now, I'll start with my dad.  And that's enough.


So, had my father escaped the abuse?  I would have never known him.  My kids would not be alive today.  So I have a lot to thank his existence for.  But it's still not fair.  The only fair thing is that he existed at all.  Because of him, I am who I am today.  Some good.  Some bad.  But aren't we all? 

(insert whatever lie your narcissist mother told you here).  Could be people, could be a certain food, could be something you're really good at, but your mother told you that you weren't.

These women are MASTER MANIPULATORS.  Don't you forget it.  Never take their word for anything, EVER.

Growing up, and until recently, my mother had convinced me that fruitcake was the devil.  She said it's the most disgusting thing on earth.  I always wanted to try it, but she would NEVER let me buy any, ever.  So it wasn't until Christmas day of 2015 I ever had a taste of fruitcake.

And let me tell you, that shit was gooooood!

So while, maybe she really did hate it, but why not buy me some just one time as a kid to let me try it?  I was convinced it was awful, and every time I brought up tasting it it front of her, she would go on and on and on about how awful it was and how dumb I'd be for trying it.  See, it's all about control.  She couldn't risk me loving it, when she hated something so much.

This is a quite stupid example, as honestly, there was never anything stopping me from buying a loaf of this myself and trying it.  But isn't that the entire point here?  That something that could be solved SO easily, never is, all because of the poisoning of the mind from the narcissist parent.  The ONLY reason I even tried it, was because another narcissist, my mother-in-law, insisted I did.

(Funny thing: My mom used to buy my teachers fruitcake every single year for Christmas...how's that for shits and giggles?)

Let's expand this idea to something greater, such as, oh, I don't know, a person.

"This person is (insert insult here)".  You hear it your whole life.  You accept it as truth because your parents say so.  In my case, my 2nd oldest male cousin, let's call him "The Enforcer" (because he's a cop, get it? haha), married a woman who not only forced him to convert to Catholicism (we were all a different religion), but was thought as by many in our family as "The Lazy Witch".  There were tall tales of my cousin getting off of work for a break, he'd come home, vacuum the entire house (while holding a baby in his arms), fixed the kids food, and went back to work....all the while TLW would sit on her ass and I guess do nothing at all.   This was a widely held belief, all the while backed up by a picture of him holding a baby with a vacuum in his hand.  I wasn't smart enough to put two and two together to see those were lies perpetrated by my mother's sister, who was The Enforcer's mother.  But now I am 100% sure that's not how their marriage went in the least, but that was the rumor.  Narcs LOVE spreading rumors.  

Then we have my father's sister, who was an "embezzling whore" who married her own uncle.  My mother HATED this woman, I think because my father loved talking to his sister on the phone (though only when drunk, I think) and she hated my dad giving anyone else any attention (even myself, as seen by the rift she created between us).  Though I do think my aunt made my dad cry regularly?  I can't remember.  But I had such a horrible view of her, all my mom did was talk shit about her.  She never let me form my own opinion about her, and now she's out of our lives forever, due to my father's death.  When my dad died, she was ANGRY that my aunt was grieving, as if she had no right.  What kind of sick person doesn't let a woman grieve over her brother's death?  But anyways, the point is, I never got to know my aunt.  My dad never got to tell me stories about them growing up.  All I know is what my history-changing mother tells me, and my aunt will only know the history-changed "facts" my mother has told her.  What a fun way to live life!

Our narcissist parents will do anything to control us, esp. to think like them.  They feel justified in their hatred of whatever or whoever, as long as you agree with them.  When you disagree with them, they will normally belittle you (like call you stupid, etc.) until you back off.  It's their tactic, their way of keeping control.  "Agree or pay the price!"

Then we have the other issue that usually goes along with all of this:

Take my other cousin, for example.  When my grandma was sick, said cousin never visited, and even told me "I would visit more, but Grandma doesn't even know who I am".  My mother hated this woman with every fiber of being.  I did, too.  Then my cousin and I had it out, and then she became my mom's new BFF.  What in the holy fuck?  So, to my mother, the enemy of my enemy is my BFF?  I was always, and will always, be her enemy, in her mind.  So anyone I hate (or hates me), she will love.  It's as simple as that.  My cousin did bad things to me, so my mom now supports her.  Though I will say, that my mother thinking my cousin was a selfish jerk in the first place was justified.  I still don't like the woman (a fellow narcissist, just like good 'ol mom).  So while we are supposed to bow down to our mother's hatred of things or people, if WE hate something or dislike or have an issue with someone, they will LOVE them (or it).

So the formula is: 
Mom's dislikes have to also be disliked by us, but if we dislike something, then Mom will love it.  

For the most part, they can sway back and forth (like she does with my cousin's approval) to their liking, which makes them completely unstable (and makes you want to pull your hair out), but normally that's how it will go.

But my original point is, just because your mother has led you to believe something, doesn't make it true.  

Here are a few things that I have believed my entire life because what she put into my head: 

1. I am bad at math.  She LOVES to think I am bad at math.  So I believed I was.  Once, I asked her help on a math paper when I was in 3rd or 4th grade and she did 1/2 of the problems for me, and when I got the paper back, ALL of her answers were wrong and mine were right.  When I confronted her about this, she accused me of lying and being mean and had a tantrum until I shut up about it.  That should have tipped me off, but I was too young to really see the truth yet.  Also, playing Yahtzee with her was like going to the dentist (the dentist was more fun).  I only played with her because she loved it so much and I wanted to make her happy.  She loved not only bossing me around (telling me where to put my scores), but also to poke fun at me while I tried to add up my scores in the end.  "Aren't you done yet?" with that condescending smile on her face and tone of her voice.  Then she'd answer for me as I was adding up the numbers, just to get me to stumble.  I had a math phobia my ENTIRE LIFE because of her.  I honestly believed I was bad at math.  I was an adult before I realized this wasn't true.

2. I have horrible handwriting.  Before her sickness, my mom had immaculate handwriting.  And she sure made you knew this, too.  Because hers was so beautiful, she loved to point out how awful mine was and how messy it was and still does to this day.  She'll squint and say "What does this say?" while making a confused face, as if it's so sloppy you can't even read a word of it.  But then a few years ago, I shared something in an online group, which had my handwriting on it.  I said "I am sorry my handwriting sucks so much, but you get what I am talking about" (meaning whatever example I was trying to show...like a chart or something).  And all I got were replies saying "What are you talking about?  Your handwriting is beautiful! I wish mine was like yours!" and the such.  I started crying.  Me?  Beautiful handwriting?  I had never been told that a day in my life (besides my husband, who, at the time, I thought was just being nice).  That bitch lied to me.  Again.

3.  I look better with short hair.  I am still battling this one to this day.  I am sitting here, with uber short hair, not knowing if I would even like to have long hair or not.  My mom had NO time for fixing my hair and forced me to cut my hair every other year until finally, in 9th grade, I never let it grow out again.  I could say, I prefer short hair.  But I have no idea if this is the truth or a lie created by my mother.  I don't even know how to grow it out (I get to a point where I don't know what to do with it, so I cut it off again).  I had hair down past my butt in kindergarten.  But that's it.  First grade, short like a boy's cut!  2nd long, 3rd short, etc.  This makes me question everything about me: who would I be without her influence?  I have no freaking idea. 


I know there is more to add to this list, but for now, this is all I can think of.

So the moral of my story here, boys and girls, is:

Just because she led you to believe something is true (or horrible), doesn't mean it is.  Even if it's something as simple as buying a damn fruitcake, just go do it.  If you hate it, you'll know it's because YOU hate it, and not her.  And isn't that the entire point?  To know who YOU are without HER?  Because I will tell you right now, I bet your life is so riddled with lies that she had led you to believe, you aren't even aware of them all yet.  I know I'm not.  But I am getting there.  Slowly, but surely. 

And you can, too.  Just go buy yourself a fruitcake and get on with it.

and all through the house.  Not a creature was stirring, except for the narcissistic mother who called seven times in a row demanding you take her somewhere.  Where?  Her message did not say.  But she sure wanted to go!  Alas, you were not home, so you did not get the phone call(s) (or you were, but it was the weekend and you didn't want to spend another day carting her ass around town for no reason).

So you call her the next day, to see what she wanted, and she's being a whiny little baby, making all sorts of threats and whatnot.  You, being the educated child of a narcissist, didn't fall for one of her games.  There was intimidation, threats, guilt trips, excuses, lies, and everything in between.  But you stood your ground, gave her solutions to every single issue she brought up (which didn't fare well, as they can not respond when there is a solution, as they are trying to hurt you, and solutions only shut their abuse down).  When the solutions would not work, she moved on to other things to complain about.  But you shut them down, too.  Then she got hostile.  And when you shut her down again, she accused you of overreacting.  So you hung up on her.  Because there was nothing else to say.

Then you left the house, went an picked up her meds for her ($3 copay, that she just HAD to leave the house the day before to go get, but yet refused to tell you she needed her meds), picked up her candy, and dropped it off to her (and had your son bring it in, as she won't get sassy with him).

And now, all is well.

The End.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HAHAHAHAH Yeah right!  As if that's the end!  But wouldn't that be nice?  This whole scenario actually happened, but there WILL be punishment for putting her in her place.  Mark my words.  But you know what?  Who cares?  I am finally in a spot (mostly there) that I don't NEED to keep her in my life if I don't have to.  We'll see after taxes and other things if there needs to be any more contact.  But still, it felt good to NOT give into any of her little stupid games :)  I laid the truth out straight and now we'll see if she'll back down, or combat me harder.  I TOLD her today, that 100%, if she tries to drive her car or keeps on bugging me about driving, I will wash my hands of her completely (which ended up actually happening--in 2017 I gave her her car back and I went no contact for fourteen months!).  Actually, no matter what, she's never going to drive again, I will see to that.  She has dementia and can't stay her in lane, EVER, and almost hits every car we pass by.  Thing is, she can SEE she's not in the lane, and refuses to get back into her lane (she's in the middle of the road).  I will have her license revoked AND I will call 911 if she ever got behind the wheel.  And now when we're out, I will NEVER give her my keys to sit in the car again.  I will use the remote start and the automatic unlock button to let her in.  But no more touching my keys.  PERIOD (she tried to drive a week or so ago by tricking me into giving her the keys, because she was "cold in the car"--even though it was 45-50 degrees out and nice).  I had to threaten her in front of strangers that I wasn't going to get into the car until she moved into the passenger seat.

And today she was bitching about paying for a car she can't drive.  I said "So give it back to the car lot".  She had no answer for that LOL

*sigh*  I am just so tired of this.  Change is coming in 2016.  One way or another.  I will either getting her a nurse to drive her everywhere, she will be put into a home if her dementia gets worse, or I will just walk away from her, completely (ding ding ding! I did the last one!)

2016 resolution: I am done taking her shit.  I'm going to get mouthy! (something I actually did! haha!)

I don't want revenge on her.  She fucked up with me, and will never get me back.  Since I realized she was a narcissist, I've ceased to be her daughter.  I've pretended, but I am not really.  And she's ceased to be my mother.  She just doesn't know it yet. 

But even with all of that, I've been on a path to healing, trying to understand my life and hers, and how they relate to one another and how this whole thing could have even happened.  The more research I do, the more I realize that my entire family has it, and it goes way back along the family lines for as far back as we can see. 

But even so, that doesn't mean it's okay.  And even though it's not okay, that doesn't mean I have wish harm on those that have abused me. 

My mom is sick.  She has dementia that will eventually take her sanity and instead replace it with hallucinations & paranoia.  So pretty much dementia AND schizophrenia.  Whoo hoo.

I can't imagine any person having to go through that at all.  Especially not someone I know. 

So, as she ages and gets sicker, I have to think about the inevitable end of things.  And what I DO want her for, is when it's her time to go, to go peacefully.  I do not wish a long, drawn out disease for her.  I do not wish her to have any strokes.  I do not want her to suffer.  She doesn't deserve that.

Granted, she abused me.  She still abuses me.  She's not a very nice person, nor is she kind (and when she is, it's self-serving).  Everything she says is a fabrication, an act, a lie.  Nothing in her life is real.  Which makes sense she will start having hallucinations eventually, as she's already living in a fantasy world.

But I am not her.  I do not wish ill things on other people.  I do not like to hurt others for sport or for my own agenda or amusement.  So I wish her kind, and loving thoughts.  I wish her to live out her last days she has left happily, and not suffering in her own piss and shit.  Not being wheelchair bound unable to speak.  Not

Granted, that may happen.  It did with my grandparents.  Dementia is an evil disease.  It not only steals your memories, but it also steals your body's ability to function (because of the failing memory).  And if it happens, that's the way it's meant to be.  But I do not wish it on her.  No matter how angry I am at her.  No matter how much she hurt me in the past.  I can't be that person who's heart is so filled with hate I would want my mother to suffer just to pay back her bad deeds.

Now, there is still time for her to really fuck up and for me to change my mind on this LOL  I am not saying she's not capable of such great evil that I would want her to burn in hell (and I am an atheist!!).  I am just saying, if everything stayed the same, the way it is now, this is how I feel. 

And that's healing for me.  She makes me angry, but I am really working not taking her words personally anymore.  She's on her way down the rabbit hole of sickness, so I don't know how much more she's capable of (but never underestimate a narc).  And watching her deteriorate makes me see her as a human being, rather than a monster anymore. 

Let's just hope she can hold out her behavior until her mind eventually goes.  Then I know healing from her abuse will be easier for me, and my family.  Which is all I can ask for.

 

 

*sigh*

It's not like it's bad enough to have a narc mother, but I gotta have narc mother-in-laws, too.  (I use the plural because my ex's mother was also a narc).

And it's not just me who has to deal with it, it's my poor hubby.  Though she likes to get her supply from me now, not him.  But at the same time, HE is the one dealing with his mother treating his wife badly.  That's a horrible place to put your child.  Even if I hate my future daughters-in-law, I really hope I keep my mouth shut about it.  I just hope my kids make good choices in their spouses! haha

But as for my mother-in-law, today she decided to try to goad me into a fight about religion, knowing that last time I had been at her house, I said I was an atheist.  Today she said "I believe there is SOMETHING.  I mean, you'd have to be pretty imaginative to believe in NOTHING."  And she repeated herself over and over, trying to irk me LOL 

Didn't work.  I always bring knitting over when I visit, so I just sat there and knitted and ignored her completely, while my hubby debated with her (who is also atheist, too).  But she just kept saying it over and over again, seeing if I would take the bait, which I never did.

Then she said "I believe a Christmas tree should evolve with your family.  I don't get those people who decorate it every year with a new 'theme'". 

I looked right at her said "That's what we do" and went back to knitting LOL  *sigh*  Keep trying to incite me to argue with you, it's not working, lady! haha 


Two Christmases ago she waited until everyone left the room except me and my son and said "Aren't you cold with your hair that short?"  I replied "I have a hat."  She then said "Well, it's a little boy's haircut."  I said "It's dirty right now, and looks stupid."  She said, again, "It's a little boys' haircut.  I mean, it's not horrible, but it's for little boys." 

Says the woman who who has the haircut of the little Dutch Boy.

So that rude conversation led to use not seeing them or talking to them (because his father defended her and said "If your wife doesn't want people saying shit about her hair, maybe she should stop cutting it so short" and other things were said by both of them, but never once an apology) for many months on end.  We've only recently begun to see them with any regularity (and that's even saying a lot). 

But the point is: I don't care anymore.  If she wants to try to get me to argue with her, it won't work.  If she wants to be rude to me, so be it.  I've always been NOTHING BUT NICE to her, always. 

She's always had an issue with me, but now I know it's not me.  When I found out my mom was a narc, my hubby realized his mom was one too (a while later).  Both his mom and dad come from narc families, too.   TWO years in a row, his mother didn't call him on his birthday.  Actually, I don't know if she called this year, either...hmmmm... I will have to find out.  The first year she was angry.  The second year was for no reason.  They have never, not once, come to any holiday we've invited them to.  They've only stepped foot in any house we've ever been in a whole accumulation of like 4 times and no more than 5 minutes.  They used to invite my husband for holidays and not me.  Just a whole SLEW of bullshit.  We remedied that years ago, when he found out his mom was a narc, by stopping going to their house for holidays, forever.  That way, nobody is butthurt about it.  "Oh you came but you didn't stay long enough!"  "Oh you were supposed to be here hours ago!" (which was never true, she just made this up several times so she could be mad at us)  "Oh you blah blah blah blah"......it was ALWAYS something with them.  Once, his father told him "If you won't come over, forget you are my son." 

And that, my friend, was the straw that broke the camel's back.  That was when it all ended.  My hubby went through a huge crisis over that, it made him physically ill.  But it was so worth it, and now he's happier, healthier, and doesn't give two shits at all what they have to say if they are mad (which doesn't happen anymore, because we are low-contact with them). 


Do they still talk shit about us?  I am sure of it.  But we don't hear a word of it.  And that's the way we like it.  So if my MIL wants to bait me into arguments? I won't give her the satisfaction.  If she's rude to me?  I won't say a word.  I won't let her know I even cared what she said.  Not for a moment.  Because I refuse to give her narcissistic supply anymore.  I won't be her target, even if she tries to make me one. 

I have enough to think about my life.  I don't need to add her drama on top of my happiness.  She can't help her illness and my hubby sees her for what she is.  And that's all that matters.  We can't be hurt by what we don't care about being hurt by.  We care about her, as a person, but not her opinion.  Because there is no place in this universe where her opinion matters, other than in her own mind. 


And let it stay there!  LOL

 

 

My grandmother was a narcissist.  My grandfather was codependent.  Who had two narcissistic children and one codependent one. 

Here is a graphic of my NPD Family Tree, so you can understand how this generational narcissism works:

After you look at this family tree, I bet you'd easily be able to make one of your own that looks eerily similar. 

And that's because this is how narcissism always looks.  It follows a pattern.  The only time it deviates is because the narc wants it look like it is.  Like, doing something super nice for you on your birthday when she normally doesn't do anything.  There is always an agenda for everything they do.

If you're just beginning your journey on this narcissistic roller coaster (meaning you just figured out your mom's a narc) or you've been on it for awhile, make your own NPD Family Tree.  It will help you to see who's who and who to avoid and who to seek out.  If you don't know if they have NPD or or not, put a question mark under their name so you can come back to them later after investigating.  Learn everything you can about narcissism and how narcs work, so you an apply what you know to your family so you can find the patterns.  All narc families have patterns, you just have to find them. 

And once you find them, you'll be better off, so you can stop trusting the wrong people. 

Growing up with narcs, befriending narcs with their entire family as narcs, having narcs as parents, as cousins, as aunts and uncles, as grandparents, marrying a narc, having a mother and father-in-law narcs, sister-in-law narc, brother-in-law narc, and then remarrying someone who's entire family is steeped in narcissism. 

I kind of know a thing or two about narcs *wink* :)

And here's 10 random things I've learned:

1. If someone is ALWAYS talking shit about someone with you, know they are also talking about you, too.  You are not immune to their gossip.  Don't think "But we are such good friends, she'd never do that!"  *giggle* Oh yes she would.  And she is.  Probably right now as you're reading this.  A gossip is a gossip, and nobody is immune to a gossip's gossip.  Not even you (nor me).
2. Do not engage in gossip with a narc.  If a gossiping narc is luring you into engaging into gossip with her, don't do it.  Because she will go and tell the person you two are gossiping about that YOU are gossiping about them.  She will neglect to say she had a part in it.  And since she got to that person first, they won't believe you when you say you both were gossiping, not just you.  Sounds childish, I know, but most women connect to each other through gossip.  Petty, but effective.  Because with some friendships, you take away the gossip, and there's nothing left.
3. A narcissist's smear campaign knows no boundaries.   Normal people have lines they won't cross.  Narcs do not.  A smear campaign from a narc can be so bad that you'll wonder if they even have a heart.  Answer: they do not, so stop expecting them to.  A narc's smear campaign can be so bad, and stoop so low, they can do some very bad damage to your life.  They could get you fired from your job, get you arrested, get the child services at your house or even get custody of your children with their lies.  So while we all want to be able to be free to say what we want to about the narcs in our lives, you have to know how to work them instead.  And going no-contact won't always resolve your smear campaign issues, because:
4. A smear campaign can happen even if you did nothing wrong.  Your relationship with your narc can be going just fine and then all of sudden you get their friend calling you and saying "You'll never guess what your mom just said about you!  AND your kids!"  And then they'll relay the horrible lies or mean words and you'll be left feeling like you were just hit by a tornado of doom.  What happened?  Well, the basic answer is: your narc was bored and wanted to do something to cause some friction and you were her choice of target today.  Usually a smear campaign happens when you're angry at one another or if you did something perceived as wrong by the narc.  But sometimes, you don't have to do a damn thing. 
5. If you're in emotional pain, DO NOT go to your narc for comfort.  EVER.  Because while they may act all "mommy loves you!" bullshit while it's happening, five minutes later they'll be a) making fun of you or b) gossiping about your business to anyone who'll listen.  And they will bring it up for years to come to shame you with it.  
6. Never underestimate a narc's ability to be violent.  Some are more violent then others, but they all have the capability to physically attack you.  Then again, I guess you could say this about anyone, but the difference with a narc is that you should expect it, esp. if you do something first, like hit a wall or throw something on the floor or slam a door real hard.  For some reason, this sets off something in their heads that tells them to hit you.  So be careful around a narc.  And always be prepared for violence. 
7. If your mom says it didn't happen, don't try to argue with her.  Just treat her like she has Alzheimer's and doesn't remember.  Say "Oh really, maybe not" and then smirk and walk away.  Arguing with a narc about the validity of past situations will get you nowhere.  Remember: She's not winning if you agree with her.  She's winning if you don't agree with her.  Because that's exactly what she wants from you.  Her denying your past gives her narcissistic supply.  You disagreeing about it gives her even more.  Don't let her win.  Don't engage with her, ever.  Just treat her like she's mentally disabled (because she truly is) or like a 3 year old child (because she truly is stuck in that mindset).  You don't combat a 3 year old, do you?  So don't combat her either.  You bet the adult and stop caring what she thinks.  She wants to say your dad never hit you?  Let her.  Let her live in her pathetic pretend world.  You don't need to join her there by arguing with her.
8. Never trust her flying monkeys.  The wicked witch always has flying monkeys and if those people are cozying up to you?  Do not fall for it.  Know there is an agenda.  If they sound like they are on your side, it's a ploy.  RUN!  Be nice, just tell them you're not available anytime soon for a conversation and you'll talk to them when you can.  Her monkeys can be your siblings, your dad, YOUR children, anyone at all.  But you'll know who they are beforehand, most of them won't surprise you, but some will.  I am not saying don't trust your kids, I am just saying that sometimes a narc will go to any length to get a flock of monkeys and sometimes they'll go after our own children.  It's a sad thing, but it happens.
9. They never change.  I don't care how old they get, how senile they get, or how sick they get, they might be nice to you for a very long time and you might think to yourself "Hey! They must have come to their senses!"  It's not true.  Because the moment something better comes along, or you piss them off, you're done.  You're on their shit list.  But stand firm.  Know you're better than that, and just move on without them if you have to.  Their behavior is only changing because you are giving them something they can't get from anywhere else for the moment.  It won't last. 
10. And the last one (on the list, not in reality) is: We are stronger than we think we are.  We have two lives: the before and the after.  In the before, we think we can't live without them.  We think we might be the reason they treat us badly.  We think "How is this even possible?"  We are constantly vying for their love "Please love me!  Why can't you love me?  Am I unlovable?"  We might not say these things out loud, but our actions and our thoughts are always transmitting this on all frequencies.  But then.....then comes the after.  The after is amazing.  Three trillion tons of bullshit is now lifted from our shoulders and all of a sudden we become lighter and happier.  We get it.  Now we can transmit more healthy lines of thinking on all frequencies instead.  "I don't need your love.  You can't love me because you can't love anyone, least of all yourself.  I am lovable.  It's you that causes the chaos, not me.  It was never me.  It was always you."

And remember that last line: It was never me.  It was always you (mom).