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10 Things I've Learned From Dealing With Narcissists

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Growing up with narcs, befriending narcs with their entire family as narcs, having narcs as parents, as cousins, as aunts and uncles, as grandparents, marrying a narc, having a mother and father-in-law narcs, sister-in-law narc, brother-in-law narc, and then remarrying someone who's entire family is steeped in narcissism. 

I kind of know a thing or two about narcs *wink* :)

And here's 10 random things I've learned:

  1. If someone is ALWAYS talking shit about someone with you, know they are also talking about you, too.  You are not immune to their gossip.  Don't think "But we are such good friends, she'd never do that!"  *giggle* Oh yes she would.  And she is.  Probably right now as you're reading this.  A gossip is a gossip, and nobody is immune to a gossip's gossip.  Not even you (nor me).
  2. Do not engage in gossip with a narc.  If a gossiping narc is luring you into engaging into gossip with her, don't do it.  Because she will go and tell the person you two are gossiping about that YOU are gossiping about them.  She will neglect to say she had a part in it.  And since she got to that person first, they won't believe you when you say you both were gossiping, not just you.  Sounds childish, I know, but most women connect to each other through gossip.  Petty, but effective.  Because with some friendships, you take away the gossip, and there's nothing left.
  3. A narcissist's smear campaign knows no boundaries.   Normal people have lines they won't cross.  Narcs do not.  A smear campaign from a narc can be so bad that you'll wonder if they even have a heart.  Answer: they do not, so stop expecting them to.  A narc's smear campaign can be so bad, and stoop so low, they can do some very bad damage to your life.  They could get you fired from your job, get you arrested, get the child services at your house or even get custody of your children with their lies.  So while we all want to be able to be free to say what we want to about the narcs in our lives, you have to know how to work them instead.  And going no-contact won't always resolve your smear campaign issues, because:
  4. A smear campaign can happen even if you did nothing wrong.  Your relationship with your narc can be going just fine and then all of sudden you get their friend calling you and saying "You'll never guess what your mom just said about you!  AND your kids!"  And then they'll relay the horrible lies or mean words and you'll be left feeling like you were just hit by a tornado of doom.  What happened?  Well, the basic answer is: your narc was bored and wanted to do something to cause some friction and you were her choice of target today.  Usually a smear campaign happens when you're angry at one another or if you did something perceived as wrong by the narc.  But sometimes, you don't have to do a damn thing. 
  5. If you're in emotional pain, DO NOT go to your narc for comfort.  EVER.  Because while they may act all "mommy loves you!" bullshit while it's happening, five minutes later they'll be a) making fun of you or b) gossiping about your business to anyone who'll listen.  And they will bring it up for years to come to shame you with it.  
  6. Never underestimate a narc's ability to be violent.  Some are more violent then others, but they all have the capability to physically attack you.  Then again, I guess you could say this about anyone, but the difference with a narc is that you should expect it, esp. if you do something first, like hit a wall or throw something on the floor or slam a door real hard.  For some reason, this sets off something in their heads that tells them to hit you.  So be careful around a narc.  And always be prepared for violence. 
  7. If your mom says it didn't happen, don't try to argue with her.  Just treat her like she has Alzheimer's and doesn't remember.  Say "Oh really, maybe not" and then smirk and walk away.  Arguing with a narc about the validity of past situations will get you nowhere.  Remember: She's not winning if you agree with her.  She's winning if you don't agree with her.  Because that's exactly what she wants from you.  Her denying your past gives her narcissistic supply.  You disagreeing about it gives her even more.  Don't let her win.  Don't engage with her, ever.  Just treat her like she's mentally disabled (because she truly is) or like a 3 year old child (because she truly is stuck in that mindset).  You don't combat a 3 year old, do you?  So don't combat her either.  You bet the adult and stop caring what she thinks.  She wants to say your dad never hit you?  Let her.  Let her live in her pathetic pretend world.  You don't need to join her there by arguing with her.
  8. Never trust her flying monkeys.  The wicked witch always has flying monkeys and if those people are cozying up to you?  Do not fall for it.  Know there is an agenda.  If they sound like they are on your side, it's a ploy.  RUN!  Be nice, just tell them you're not available anytime soon for a conversation and you'll talk to them when you can.  Her monkeys can be your siblings, your dad, YOUR children, anyone at all.  But you'll know who they are beforehand, most of them won't surprise you, but some will.  I am not saying don't trust your kids, I am just saying that sometimes a narc will go to any length to get a flock of monkeys and sometimes they'll go after our own children.  It's a sad thing, but it happens.
  9. They never change.  I don't care how old they get, how senile they get, or how sick they get, they might be nice to you for a very long time and you might think to yourself "Hey! They must have come to their senses!"  It's not true.  Because the moment something better comes along, or you piss them off, you're done.  You're on their shit list.  But stand firm.  Know you're better than that, and just move on without them if you have to.  Their behavior is only changing because you are giving them something they can't get from anywhere else for the moment.  It won't last. 
  10. And the last one (on the list, not in reality) is: We are stronger than we think we are.  We have two lives: the before and the after.  In the before, we think we can't live without them.  We think we might be the reason they treat us badly.  We think "How is this even possible?"  We are constantly vying for their love "Please love me!  Why can't you love me?  Am I unlovable?"  We might not say these things out loud, but our actions and our thoughts are always transmitting this on all frequencies.  But then.....then comes the after.  The after is amazing.  Three trillion tons of bullshit is now lifted from our shoulders and all of a sudden we become lighter and happier.  We get it.  Now we can transmit more healthy lines of thinking on all frequencies instead.  "I don't need your love.  You can't love me because you can't love anyone, least of all yourself.  I am lovable.  It's you that causes the chaos, not me.  It was never me.  It was always you."

And remember that last line: It was never me.  It was always you (mom). 


About Post Author

Living life with with a narcissistic parent is one of the hardest things a child can do. Because narcissism doesn't stop with mom and dad, it usually bleeds through the entire extended family dymanic. And the abuse travels with us into adulthood, usually either until the narcissist dies or we go no contact. And usually, our abuse is never talked about, for fear of retaliation or judgment. So I am breaking my silence and showing the world what my mother's abuse looks like so maybe others will feel strong enough to do the same.

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Welcome to Girl Lost.


I am a daughter of a narcissistic mother, one of way too many in this world. If you're here, then you have one too. I hope by reading my words someone out there will realize they aren't alone.

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