I don't want revenge on her.  She fucked up with me, and will never get me back.  Since I realized she was a narcissist, I've ceased to be her daughter.  I've pretended, but I am not really.  And she's ceased to be my mother.  She just doesn't know it yet. 

But even with all of that, I've been on a path to healing, trying to understand my life and hers, and how they relate to one another and how this whole thing could have even happened.  The more research I do, the more I realize that my entire family has it, and it goes way back along the family lines for as far back as we can see. 

But even so, that doesn't mean it's okay.  And even though it's not okay, that doesn't mean I have wish harm on those that have abused me. 

My mom is sick.  She has dementia that will eventually take her sanity and instead replace it with hallucinations & paranoia.  So pretty much dementia AND schizophrenia.  Whoo hoo.

I can't imagine any person having to go through that at all.  Especially not someone I know. 

So, as she ages and gets sicker, I have to think about the inevitable end of things.  And what I DO want her for, is when it's her time to go, to go peacefully.  I do not wish a long, drawn out disease for her.  I do not wish her to have any strokes.  I do not want her to suffer.  She doesn't deserve that.

Granted, she abused me.  She still abuses me.  She's not a very nice person, nor is she kind (and when she is, it's self-serving).  Everything she says is a fabrication, an act, a lie.  Nothing in her life is real.  Which makes sense she will start having hallucinations eventually, as she's already living in a fantasy world.

But I am not her.  I do not wish ill things on other people.  I do not like to hurt others for sport or for my own agenda or amusement.  So I wish her kind, and loving thoughts.  I wish her to live out her last days she has left happily, and not suffering in her own piss and shit.  Not being wheelchair bound unable to speak.  Not

Granted, that may happen.  It did with my grandparents.  Dementia is an evil disease.  It not only steals your memories, but it also steals your body's ability to function (because of the failing memory).  And if it happens, that's the way it's meant to be.  But I do not wish it on her.  No matter how angry I am at her.  No matter how much she hurt me in the past.  I can't be that person who's heart is so filled with hate I would want my mother to suffer just to pay back her bad deeds.

Now, there is still time for her to really fuck up and for me to change my mind on this LOL  I am not saying she's not capable of such great evil that I would want her to burn in hell (and I am an atheist!!).  I am just saying, if everything stayed the same, the way it is now, this is how I feel. 

And that's healing for me.  She makes me angry, but I am really working not taking her words personally anymore.  She's on her way down the rabbit hole of sickness, so I don't know how much more she's capable of (but never underestimate a narc).  And watching her deteriorate makes me see her as a human being, rather than a monster anymore. 

Let's just hope she can hold out her behavior until her mind eventually goes.  Then I know healing from her abuse will be easier for me, and my family.  Which is all I can ask for.