Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you had to point out something or stand up for yourself or what you believe in, and then obsessively worry if you did something wrong?

Or have you found yourself in a conversation, where you don't know exactly what to say, and afterwards you can't get that conversation out of your head for hours, perhaps even days?  "Did I do something wrong?  Did I say something to make them angry?"

Or have you posted something on social media about how you feel about something, and the worry so much afterwards you end up deleting it, for fear of how you'll be treated because of it?

I think all of this obsessive worrying has to do with having a parent with NPD.

Think about it: everything you said/say in front of your mother was constantly questioned, picked-apart, berated, belittled, and made fun of, over and over again, on a daily basis.  If you stood up for yourself, you got attacked.  If you pointed out something that made you uncomfortable, you were attacked. 

So no matter what you say today, you may always feel on the offensive: "Is this person attacking me?  I don't understand their tone or reasons for saying these things to me, so I will take it as an attack."

Then we ruminate.  "Is what I said wrong?  Do I look stupid?  Do others see me as being mean or a jerk?  Is what I said idiotic?  I know it is.  I know it is.  I know it is......"

Then, if you're having a good day, you'll ask the person, "Are you angry?  Was what I said okay?"  Or if you're having a bad day, you'll just run and hide (like I normally do).  Eventually, nobody will remember the dumb thing you said, right?  So you will just hide for a bit until they forget what you said.


Recently this happened to me and I am still considering leaving the group or deleting my post in my book club group on Facebook.  I notice a lot of negative comments, so I asked the group in a nice way to, well, play nice.  Then I got berated for it.  I played it over and over in my mind, obsessively, with that familiar stomachache that accompanies these types of things, until I kept reminding myself, it was okay if they didn't agree with me.  If they want to be negative, let them.  But at the same time, I feel ashamed that others might view me as a jerk (apparently, asking people to be more positive when talking to one another grants me some sort of "high horse" to ride around on LOL) or that they view me as stupid for even posting it.

But then a member messaged me and told me she agreed with me and another member friend requested me.

That set my mind at ease.  But if they hadn't done that, would I be deleting that post right now?  Perhaps.  My brain can't let go of the constant second-guessing I feel in every area of my life at times, esp. in my interpersonal relationships, and this is 100% due to my upbringing with a narcissist mother.  She created this in me.  She made me constantly feel like everything I feel is wrong, and deserves to be attacked if expressed out loud.  So everything I say, I have to always feel like "Does this need to be said?" for fear of being attacked.

And online, you WILL be attacked, even when you're only asking for more positivity (because apparently people love to be negative....LOL).  And that's not the point.  Don't think "This is why I never post anything....", as we all do when it happens.  Instead, see it as "How will take this negativity and use it to teach me how to deal with negativity in a proper manner?"  I mean, our mothers didn't teach us how....they just told us to "shut up" and "quit overreacting and being stupid".  So, when mean people are mean to us, our mothers taught us that everyone has a right to attack us because we deserve it for being so dumb. 

NOT TRUE. 

Mean people are mean to us because of their own bullshit, it has nothing to do with us in the least.

PERIOD. 

They interject their own agenda into what we say or write....they take their own life experiences, their own ideas, their own everything and apply to OUR words.  And that is not our fault.  Remember this.  Daily.  And forever.  Never forget it either.  Print it out and hang it on your wall or bulletin board if you have to.  Print it on a business card, laminate it, and put it in your wallet or pocket:

WHAT OTHERS THINKS OF YOU IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS.  

HOW OTHERS TREAT YOU IS NOT YOUR FAULT.  

Both of those statements pretty much sums up Don Miguel Ruiz's entire message in his books and his life practice.  And nothing is more true in life, esp. for those of use who suffer from Narcissistic Victim Syndrome (which is an combination of PTSD and other issues due to narcissistic abuse).  We will ruminate, we will obsessively worry, we will beat ourselves us, will give ourselves stomachaches, headaches, and other aches and pains with all of our worrying.

Maybe GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) is caused by narcissistic abuse?  Maybe not for everyone, but for those of us who were raised by narcs, I'd bet a pretty penny on the idea that most of us have GAD or worse.


What about you?  Do you worry about what you say or post online regularly?  Do you worry about conversations and play them over and over in your mind to see if you said something inappropriate or stupid?   Let me know below and let others know they aren't alone.




In the meantime, check out Don Miguel Ruiz's Books to help you let go of what others think of you:

The Voice of Knowledge (this book changed my life, I need to re-read it!)

The Four Agreements