When you have a narc parent, you know all about paranoia. I wish we didn't have to deal with this nasty side effect, but when you're dealing with narcissistic people, it's inevitable. 

Because everywhere you look, there's a boogyman (or a flying monkey).  The flying monkey/boogymen in my family are my nasty cousins.  They are grown women, almost 50 years old, yet act like quite the children.  Narcissism knows no bounds, and there is absolutely no age limit. 

So when I check the stats on my blog, and I see someone who's read it from in an area where my cousins live, I get completely paranoid.  And if you've been a reader since day one, you've known what I've had to deal with when it comes to them.  They are the entire reason I started this blog in the first place---because they are the reason I found out my mom is a narc. 

To give you a little refresher: I had another blog in which I wrote a post about how I was dealing with the pain and hurt from being abandoned by my one cousin when I was a kid.  She used to live with us and knew my father was abusing us, and didn't do anything to help.  She just up and left, leaving me behind to continue being abused.  So, she read that blog (because her narc daughter got a hold of it and showed her) and showed it to her sister, and then went to my mother, showed it to her, AND then went to my in-laws (whom she never met before) and told them what I did and what a horrible (and insane) person I was.  My mom blew her lid and we had an all out war that lasted a few months. 

Fun.

What my cousin didn't know was that the post was prompted by my therapist and there was no way to know who I was, or who my cousin was.  Instead of apologizing for abandoned me (or talking to me about it), she called me a "crazy bitch" while she was working in her 3rd grade classroom as a teacher.  I could have called her boss and told them she was using the time in her classroom to harass me with nasty text messages instead of teaching, but I am not like her.  I could care less what the hell she does in her life, as long as she leaves me alone. 

So anyways, back to the paranoia, so I get really paranoid when I see people who live near me finding my blog on their own or from my FB page.  Today I found a reader who I thought lived in my exact city, which freaked me out a little because a) they found me through Facebook and I only just made my corresponding Facebook page, so nobody I know would know about my FB page and b) out of everywhere in the world (Slovenia is one *waves to my Slovenia reader!!*) how are people finding my blog who live so close to me?  I mean, I am not complaining, not at all.  But being that I have "family" all around my state, it gets me paranoid sometimes.  But then I did some research and found that this particular person could live anywhere in my state.  And I found out that when you google certain things, it will show those in your city first because that's where you live.  But, being internet illiterate at times, I saw my city's name and got freaked out.  So, it's my own fault. 

So it was a fluke.....a total coincidence, just me being over reactive and silly.  But if you have a narc mom, you totally get where I am coming from.  I go out of my way to hide my identity so I can share my stories with the world---because I don't want others to think they're alone in this--and somehow I have a nice little group of readers from my area who don't even know they're in my area :)

*waves to you all who live near me!!* 

Sometimes I wish my crazy family would find my blog (and get it over with!).  Only so I can smile and say "you can bully me all you want, but I am not backing down".  Because my family does bully me when I piss them off...like sending me unmarked letters in the mail and other crazy shit.  But I know deep down inside I would not like them find out about this blog, because if they did, they'd be harassing me about it and I know my mother would know about it immediately and attack me.  My family is very typically narcissistic.  And they follow their certain typical narcissistic rules that they never deviate from. 

I am called crazy because I refuse to stay silent about my abuse.  I am punished for "outing my family online" when nobody ever knew who I was talking about or who I even was (on my old blog).  I never had my name attached to anything, but that didn't matter, all that mattered was that I was exposing their abusive nature to the public (they only knew because they were on my FB and I didn't think they ever read my blog, so I posted a link once.....just so happens, my one cousin's daughter decided to click on it....OOPS!  Lesson learned...)  And we can't have that, can we?  No way.  Someone might see them for who they really are, even if they don't know who they actually are.  And that's sacrilege! 

I also know better.  I am not about publicly shaming my idiot family.  Not in a way that would tell you all their names, addresses, where they work, or otherwise.  I am not a jerk.  1) That's illegal.  2) Only total douchebag narcs would do something like that.  And 3) How would that help my cause?  I am here to help other victims of maternal narcissistic abuse know they aren't alone and to help educate them on what maternal narcissistic abuse really is.  So how would outing my family do that?  No, that would be revenge, which is something I am not seeking.  Granted, yes, it feels good to talk about what they've done to me and my family.  It's cathartic.  But it's not revenge.  It's being open about what's happened to me.  It's being honest.  And if they ever stumble upon this blog and figure out it's me?  Well, what can I say?  If my honesty humiliates them online, then what will happen when my memoir comes out? LOL  *shudder*  Better keep my fake name on that, too!






But I am glad to know that my paranoia was for nothing.  Well, at least I hope so...LOL  And who cares if they see this?  I don't think they ever could find this blog, but if they do? 

*blows kiss*

Hope you like what you see, because you can't silence me anymore with your bullying :)