Those of us who have been abused all have trigger words.

I have a few.  Some aren't words that are said regularly, but when I think of them they give me a stomachache or make me feel gross inside.  Or angry.

The first one is:

HEY

Simple word, right?  Not when mother says it.  "HEY!" means "I am scolding you, you better stop what you're saying before I get really pissed!"  I am thirty-fucking-nine years old.  Nobody gets to talk to me like a child.  But this term?  It sends me into an automatic internal rage.  It's a word that when mother doesn't want to hear your shit anymore, she yells this at you.  It's a verbal spanking.  It's like saying "Hey!  Knock it off!" with a finger in their face.  Like your kid is acting like a brat in public and you need them to stop.  But with mother, you could just be talking about something she doesn't want to deal with, or someone she doesn't want you bad mouthing (usually BM.....if you don't know who she is, scroll back through the posts, you'll see who I am talking about).  If I start saying BM did something wrong or that she embarrassed me, she will get all huffy and yell this word at me.  BUT if she's on a BM downslope (meaning BM is on her shitlist), she's more than fine with anyone saying anything.  She also uses this if you swear in front  of her.  I swear.  A LOT.  Not nasty swearing, just descriptive words used to convey my feelings and the such, and she will think she can make me stop by saying this word.  YET mother swears.  This is just like everything else: non-consistent.  One day she's sweary, the next she's freaking out over her creepy ass neighbor, who's a pastor, thinking if we swear, he'll send us all to hell.

I am trying to get over my gut reaction when she says this word.  I feel like I've been punched in the gut.  I need to come up with a new comeback, so when she says it, I can just laugh instead.  And eventually she'll just stop.  I think I'll say it back to her and laugh.  Like a hyena.  I'll just repeat it until it holds no anger or rage for me anymore.  I'll just wear it out like how little kids do.  They hear something and they repeat it until it doesn't hold their interest.  I want to repeat it until it doesn't hold HER interest anymore to say it.



MY NAME

The sound of my name makes me uncomfortable.  I have wanted to change it for years.  But every time I try out a new name, I get sick of it and go back to just being my original name.  I don't go around and make people call me a new name, or anything, but maybe that's why they're not sticking?  I just try it out online...like on a blog.  I will change my name on the blog and use that name for a few months.  But they are like sticks of Juicy Fruit gum: tasty at first, but quickly lose their appeal after a few minutes of chewing.  Though the name I picked for my memoir (based on stuff that's written here) has stuck for years.  But it's completely silly LOL  I think I get annoyed because:

-My first and middle name was given to me by birth mom.  I also carried her last name.
-When I was in foster homes, I would have their last names.
-When I was adopted, my mom liked my name so much she kept it, but then I had a new last name.
-When I got married, I had to change my last name again.
-Then I got remarried, and I had to change my last name, YET AGAIN.

I like(d) my two married names---the first one because my children had that last name, and my new hubby's last name, because we all have the same last name now, and my husband is the first man who truly cares about me.

But my first and middle name? I don't know.  I hate hearing my mom say it.  Though, maybe I will wait until after she's gone to assess it again.  Maybe I will feel better about it?


THE SOUND OF HER CLEARING HER THROAT

This isn't a word.  It's a sound.  But the sound of it sends panic through me like nothing else.  And she's always doing this as of lately, as she has untreated allergies.  But as a kid, this meant she's caught you doing something she disapproves of.  It didn't matter what you were doing, she just wants to LET YOU KNOW that she is not okay with it.  As a kid, I hated that sound.  So very, very much.  She does this to my kids now, too.  I need to catch her the next time and tell her to stop.  But then she'll probably scream "HEY!" at them instead.  *sigh* 


I know I have more, and I will add them as I think of them.  But for now, those are my triggers with her.


Do you have any trigger words?  Any words that make you feel uncomfortable or sad?  Share your stories below.