The problem I see with many newcomers to NPD is that they don't understand this one simple fact.  And not accepting it?  Well, that will give you crazy ideas, such as "false hope", and "I know if I can just reach her, I can convince her" syndrome.  You know, that idea that if you just write the right letter to her, or say the right words, she will come around and understand what's done wrong and apologize.  I am going to happily burst your bubble right now:

That will never, never happen.  

And I say happily, because most people say "sorry to burst your bubble", but I am not sorry.  Not one bit.  Why?  Because the title of this blog post is the ONE thing you need to realize so you can heal and move on.  THE.  ONE.  THING.  If you only understand one thing about this disease, let it be this.  Because without this understanding, you will be stuck.  Forever.

Because she just doesn't love you.  Why?  Because she is incapable of love, period.  It's not YOU she doesn't love, it's anyone, including herself.

"But my mom is different!" you scream.  No.  She isn't.  Yes, your mom may have done some amazing, and spectacular things for you in the past.  But know, it was not done out of an act of love.  It was done out of an act of self-perseverance.   Meaning: Yo mama only acts like she loves when you when it makes her look good.   It can be to you, or to a whole group of people, or your dad.  Or in front of whomever.  She does nice things to brag about them later.  She does nice things in order to say she's a good mom when you say she isn't.  She'll remind you.  "Remember when I did that for you??  You weren't call me a bad mom then!"  She stores these acts up in a bank, so she can refer to them either to herself so she can convince herself she's a good mom, or so she can refer to them to others so she can convince them she's a good mom.

"But, I know my mom loves me."  Take a deep breath in.  Now let it out slowly.  And repeat after me:
Not all moms love their kids.  And our moms do not love us.  

You might feel it in your heart and bones that she loves you.  You can yell it.  You can scream it.  You can cry it.  But this one truth is such a very hard truth to admit.  We tend to associate our need for parental love as a need for approval, and we internalize that lack of parental love as "we aren't good enough to love".  But that's simply not true.  You ARE good enough to love.  More than good enough.  You deserve love.  You deserve happiness.  But just know, your mother is not the one who's going to give it to you.

"Who will?" you ask.

"You will," I reply.

You will love yourself.  You will give yourself all that love you never got from her (and will never get).  You will be your own mother.  And you will take the place of her.  You don't a person who calls herself your mother to be your actual mother.  You can heal the damage she's caused inside of you.  You can heal all that pain, all that anger, all that BS by learning to be your own mother.  Because YOU know so much better how to be a better mother than she is.  You might not even realize that you know it, but you do.  You know what you need.

And how do you do this?  Well, first I am going to throw some blog pages at you.  Go explore them.  Google "inner mother" and the such.  Then com back, and I will write some blogs of my own that can add to what you've already learned.  I will include some exercises on how to heal that inner child of yours.  I will be using some I did myself, as some I've learned from other books.  And from there, we can move on to becoming whole.

I know my blog is my outlet for my own issues with my mother, but now I'd like to head in a new direction towards healing.  Yes, I still will rant about mother LOL  That will never end.  But who wants to read only about that?  You have your own mother to deal with without having to hear about mine all the time.  So, let's move forward.  Together.

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So, by accepting that our mothers are incapable of love, we can move forward, let go of the NEED to be good in her eyes.  It's like, if we know our goldfish can't walk, would we put a leash on it and take it to the park?  (nevermind the whole "my fish can't breathe without water thing...")  No, we accept it as truth, and keep that fish in his tank with his water, and let him be a fish.  That frees up our lives so we can concentrate on other things.

So when we accept our mothers are incapable of love, we stop trying to force them to love us.  We can put her in her space, and let her be a narcissist.  And that frees us from trying to make her do or be something she isn't.  And THAT, give us the space to heal.   And that, my friends, is why this is the one universal truth that we need to accept about NPD.



LINKS:

ReParent Your Inner Child

Inner Child Work

Healing Your Mother Wound

Learn How to Love Yourself

Getting to Know Your Core Wound

Healing the Child Within

6 Steps to Help Heal Your Inner Child