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I know what she's doing right now.  She's cooking, baking, and gathering ingredients for tomorrow's feast.  The feast she will be having with my replacement, BM.  She'll be baking pies, cooking turkey, putting together a disgusting stuffing.  My mother's cooking was well known for her blandness and poop-inducing properties (for real, after you eat a big meal of hers, you have to take a big ol' poop, sometimes with nasty side effects!), but she was also known for her massive amounts of food she would cook, even when just for two people. 

Growing up, my oldest cousin would come into the kitchen each year and yell "Damn, Aunt K, you cooked enough to feed an army!"  And he was right.  She always cooked enough food so we'd have leftover for a freaking month.  And then she'd bitch it always cost her so much money and how nobody pitched in.  But nobody ever asked her to cook that much, and nobody ever took leftovers home.  Ever.  But that's the way things are with narcs.  They create situations to bitch about.  If you notice in your own life with your mother, you'll see she does exactly that.  Practically everything they complain about is their own doing.  Not always, but a lot.  I mean, they have to keep a steady line of narcissistic supply, so they create it themselves.

And she has a strict schedule she sticks to when she cooks for holidays.  Hell, she has a strict schedule she sticks to every single day.  I personally feel that's due to her anxiety (which she denies having).  I think she NEEDS her schedule (even though she has nobody to come home to anymore) in order to feel sane.  I think she actually has pretty severe anxiety, but pretends that she doesn't (just so she can make fun of me for mine). 

Not me, when I cook, I cook and when it's done, it's done.  I don't give two shits how late it is, or what time it is.  I think part of that is due to the fact of growing up with such insane strict schedules (we literally ate dinner at 6pm every single night growing up, ON THE DOT).  I am not a schedule person.  Never have been.  So now, as a grown up, I am a little too lax on stuff when it comes to that.  But my family could care less and we ate Thanksgiving at 8pm this year.  Though my kids did a huge amount of the cooking (who would have thought THAT could happen??  They are really, really good cooks!). 

It was so nice, so relaxed, nobody yelling, nobody getting annoyed, just good food and awesome company (though we did have a mishap that we're still dealing with days later--the ham leaked it's sugar glaze on the bottom of the oven and there was smoke everywhere!  Still smells in here! haha).

I thought about her.  I thought about how she's hanging out with my replacement, and how she probably complained about us.  But it was a fleeting thought.  And for the rest of the day & night, I didn't think about her at all.  Until after dinner we all sat around talking about what we're grateful for and everyone started talking about how grateful we were to not have her in our lives anymore and then it became a conversation about how awful my mother was and all the awful things she did to us.  My kids started the conversation, and I let them talk as much as they wanted to, knowing they needed to get out how much they were hurt by her.  Even my youngest, who's 16 and was her golden child, reminisced about how she tried to pit him and his brother against each other and how she'd only buy him things to buy his obedience. 

So the holidays are here, and whereas once I thought I couldn't live without my mother, now I couldn't imagine having to live with her in our lives.  Narcissists leave a trail of hurt and pain wherever they go.  But at least when you go no contact you have control over that hurt and pain and you can choose to never have to ever have that in your life again.  When they are in our lives, we have no control over what they can do to us.  When you choose no contact, you can finally get that control back and never allow them to do anything to you again. 

I loved my Narc-Free Thanksgiving ♡  Even if the house was full of smoke, and I was sick with an ear infection, and we didn't eat until 8pm.  Some may see that as a bust.  But not me.  It was still perfect and awesome and wonderful!

All because my mother (and my narc in-laws) weren't a part of it. 

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I know, I know, you're shaking your head right now, thinking "Yeah, right."  And you're right.  But there are a TON of people out there who don't really understand NPD, and think that just because a narcissist treats them well, that they've changed.

The mutual friend I had with my mother thought this.  Her sister was one of the biggest bully narcs you'd ever meet.  But when their mother and father died, the sister all of a sudden became clingy to my friend.  She even told her once "You're all I have now."  Which, to most people, would have been a telling sign, that she's only changing her tune because she had nobody else, but for some people, like my old friend, it meant something else.  Something benign.  Loving, even. 

I tried to tell her "She didn't change.  She only changed how she treated you because it benefitted her."  To which she replied, "Maybe, but I know she really loved me.  That I don't question." 

What can you say to that?  I just replied "sure" and moved on.  When you're faced with someone who doesn't want to accept their loved one is incapable of love, my suggestion is always to leave it alone.  That there's no point in trying to convince them otherwise.  Because if you do, what will you accomplish?  Making them believe they weren't loved?  And what how is that a good thing?

Yes, I have a post called "Your Mother Doesn't Love You."  Because she doesn't.  If you want to cling to the belief that she does, I will never press it.  Nor should you with anyone else.  Forcing someone before they are ready to accept the fact that they weren't loved can have very negative consequences.  No, scratch that, WILL have very negative consequences.  And we each have our stories we tell ourselves so we can feel whole.  And if those narratives don't add up or are changed before we have learned to accept that change, we can end up feeling broken and completely lost. 

Think about someone getting hit by a bus.  My great-grandfather died this way.  He was riding his bike downtown and was hit by a bus.  I imagine my great-grandmother getting that visit from the police and how it must have broken her.  People who are not ready to accept change will not adapt to change for a lot longer, sometimes for the rest of their lives than those who are ready. 

There was a Youtuber I used to watch named Talia.  She was around 13 with an awesome makeup channel and had cancer.  She would get better, get worse, get better, get worse.  And one day, she died.  The world was heartbroken.  But her family, and her fans, all knew this was a possibility.  And while we didn't want it to happen and we held out hope she'd recover and never get cancer again, but she didn't.  It was awful, but not shocking.  We grieved, but eventually, we moved on.  Granted, her family grieved longer than her fans, but still, it was something they could accept and eventually be whole again.

But when we get news that changes the core of our beings without being ready for it?  We stay broken for a very, very long time.  To find out that something isn't true that we once thought was true, it shakes us to our core.

So why would I want my old friend to feel that?  She wouldn't believe me anyways, but if I pressed the situation, what would that make me?  Helpful or hurtful? 

Helping others see the truth about narcissism is helpful on the whole.  But, you have to ask yourself when dealing with a situation like this, do you want to be helpful or hurtful?  And if the answer is the latter, then how are your actions different than your mother's?

You may argue that the person is being hurt by the narc, so by you educating them on the truth, you are helping.  But you have to remember, they are conditioned to deal with their abuse.  I am not talking about physical abuse, that requires police involvement (or CPS if there are children).  I am talking about emotional and verbal abuse.  And while it's wrong, you can't stop it from happening if they refuse to see it.  If you can't tolerate it, then walk away.

My ex-stepsister was being abused by her husband.  Physically, verbally, emotionally.  She'd only get on Facebook to ask for sympathy about his behavior towards her.  All of her flying monkey friends would sit and say "oh poor you!".  But I stood up to her.  She didn't listen, so I walked away.  Now they are divorced. 

My hubby's cousin was also being abused her my boyfriend.  I told her "If you're going to keep going back to him, I have to walk away from you.  I can't tolerate this kind of behavior on either of your parts, so while I love you, I have to walk away from you."  She never left him and died a few years ago without us in her life (she died from complications of diabetes).

Both of their codependent behaviors warranted me to intervene, but there's only so much we can do.  We can't make people believe that their abusers won't change.  We can't press it.  We can let them know how we feel, but in the end, it's up to them.  My old friend still thinks her sister died loving her (even though she accepts she was a narcissist).  And what harm will that do?  That's her narrative she tells herself so she feels whole.  Taking that away from her, before she's ready, would only make her feel broken.  And, if her sister had been alive, would probably cause her to right back into an abuser/abusee relationship with her, just as my husband's cousin went back to her abuser over and over.  My ex-stepsister got out, but is entangled in a severely codependent relationship with her own extremely narcissist mother--so she's still being abused.

Narcissists cannot change (unless maybe they have brain trauma and their brains are damaged, which could possibly change their personality--though they don't usually get nicer if that happens).  But shoving this down someone's throat will not help them (and will, in fact, hurt them).  When they do eventually (if they do) go no contact, you want it to stick.  And it only sticks when the person realizes that they can feel whole without the narcissist in their life. 

Can you live without your mother's love?  What about your sister's?  Or brother's?  Or your spouse's?  That's what we're asking people to accept.  And that's a HUGE obstacle to overcome.  We have to be the ones to accept that some people may just never get there.  And be okay with it.  And if we can't, to walk away. 

Narcissists can't change.  But we can.  We can change our hearts, our minds, and our lives.  We are the lucky ones.  But when we want to help change the lives of others, we have to do so with understanding and come from a place of love, rather than coming from a place of being right.  Narcissists always want to come from a place of being right, even when they're wrong.  We need to strive to not be like them in every way we can.  Even if that means letting others believe something that doesn't seem right to us. 

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A funny memory I have, once that I am very proud of (and one I should concentrate on, rather than those things I can't go back and change or being ashamed of not standing up to her), was one of a doctor's appointment at the beginning of this year. 

Her doctor was running through a list of different things she's done, like smoking and drinking.  And she told the truth when it came to smoking, but then they asked her about drinking and she said "Oh yeah, I used to drink sometimes".  I snorted.  LOUDLY.

She gave me a horribly dirty look.  I laughed and said "No, she used to be an alcoholic.  She was one for my entire life.  She quit drinking back in 2010.  But yeah, she a pretty bad alcoholic." 

The look on her face was worth a million dollars to me.  She quickly started to say something, but the doctor cut her off and moved on while writing that into her medical history.  And then I realized: this was probably the first time EVER that had been put into her medical history.  And I was the one who accomplished it. 


Speaking the truth about your mother is healing (even if in the moment it's uncomfortable). Being able to break the silence of abuse is empowering.  So whenever you think about all the things you didn't do, all the things you didn't say....remember the ones you did.  Remember the times when you had the upper hand in your own life, instead of her.

Because concentrating on the things you never said or did isn't going to help anyone.  All it will do is anger you and make you angrier...at yourself, at your mother, at your life in general.  So instead, concentrate on the times you spoke your truth, the times you stood up for yourself.  Because those are the times that actually matter.  Those are the times that will heal you and make you proud of yourself and will help you move forward. 

Concentrate on the good (the good YOU did), and not the bad (the things you never said or did).  And you'll see your healing take on a new life ❤

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And help out hundreds of thousands other victims of maternal narcissistic abuse in the world? 

Right now, in the world of narcissistic parents, all we have are blogs and groups and some websites that are spaced out away from each other with their information.  And while they give amazing support to the victims of this type of abuse, they do not give you any statistical data.  Mainly, because our mothers do not seek help so there is no data to be recorded.  So, I want to go straight to the victims of this horrible, long-term style of abuse to get the data that this world needs. 

So, I am searching for 100 men and women who have narcissistic mothers to take part in a survey that will be turned into a book in 2018.  The survey will be pretty long, and you can get as detailed (or no details at all) as you'd like. 

There are three reasons for wanting to write this book:

1. I want to give those who feel silenced by their mother's behavior a place to openly (yet anonymously) state what she's done and hopefully give them some satisfaction from seeing their words in print.
2. I want to give accurate stats on how narcissistic mothers treat their children.  I want to show how similar and how different they are.
3. I want others to know they are not alone in this.  That they have a fellow tribe of others who "get it" and know what it's like to be in their shoes.  I want to give people hope, to see there is a way through it all and how to come out the other side with their sanity intact. 

The book will focus on comparing the stats of our mothers, along with side note stories from myself and those that take part in the survey. 


The survey will be long, and it will take you about a week to finish it (or more if you decide to share a lot of your stories).  Or, it could be faster if you just want to answer the survey questions and add nothing extra. 

No last names will be shared.  If you want include a name, it can be your real name, or a fake name.  If you do not include a name on your survey, I will assign your data a fake name.  You can also choose to write personal stories, but not have me include particular ones in the book.

You will get a free copy of the book if you choose to participate.  

Here are the qualifications to participate in this survey:

• You must have a narcissistic mother.  This goes without saying, as it's the basis for the survey itself.  But this also means that you cannot fill it out for someone else (unless they are physically disabled and cannot do it themselves).
• You must commit to finishing the survey.  Anyone who signs up and doesn't finish, will make our entire process take so much longer.  You can take your time in finishing the survey, but you must finish it.  If you don't think you can do this, then please don't sign up.
• You must be truthful in your answers.  No exaggerations needed: their behavior is bad enough without making it sound worse.  The same goes the other way, you must not make excuses for their behavior, either.  If you can't accept your mother is a full-blown narc, then do not participate.
• You must be over 18. I know there are loads of you out there who are under the age 18 and are suffering with a narc mom.  And if you are interested in this survey but are under 18, please message me and you may be able to participate in a future project concerning teens with narcissistic mothers.
• You have to answer every single question, no skipping. You may direct questions about a certain part of the survey to my Facebook page in a private message if you don't know how to answer something.
• You must be available for follow-up questioning.  Most returned surveys will not be questioned, but there may be something that I am confused by that I may need to ask you about after you've returned the survey.  Or something I'd like you elaborate on.  If you aren't available for a follow-up and it hurts the stats of the project, then your survey may be disqualified.

Please direct yourself to my Facebook page if you are interested in this project.  You can either comment on the Facebook post or direct message me there if you are interested in participating.  You will be messaged when the project is ready to go, and then directed the survey for you complete.  I thank you for considering this, as you will not only help me gather useful data to share with the world, but will also be helping so many other victims of maternal narcissistic abuse to understand they are not alone in this.  And we'll be helping to educate the world about narcissistic abuse as a whole (what it is, how it affects us, etc.). 

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I have lived for so long not being able to enjoy parts of my life due to the fact that my mother made everything feel like a hell.

We live in the Midwest, and have four (pretty full) seasons.  But I was convinced for so long that I hate winter because my anxiety always goes batshit insane when I have to drive in icy or snowy weather.

And when my mother was in my life, I HAD to drive in icy and snowy weather.  She demanded it.  And I always felt I'd rather comply then deal with her tantrums. 

So this year, after being no contact for six months, I realize: I may not hate winter after all. 

I know as a kid I loved winter immensely!  And as I got older, I still loved it.  But when I became stuck having to drive my mother everywhere (if you've read past posts, you'd know that my mother had me fooled into believing she couldn't drive--she even drove very recklessly with us in the car every single day in order to push this lie), my love of winter went right out the window. 

My entire household joined in this hatred of the season.  So much so, that we were planning on moving to somewhere like Arizona or New Mexico just to get away from the terrible weather that winter brings.

But for the first time in I have no idea how long, I am actually looking forward to it.  To be able to live without the constant fear of her calling me up and demanding I run her errands or to take her to doctor's appointments, it's unbelievable how much better I feel without all that pressure (and the constant foreboding I'd wake up with each morning). 

This leads me to wonder: what else has she taken away from me?  From my family?  What else have we been missing out on because of her behavior? 

The idea of leaving the Midwest and not having the gorgeous chilly Autumns is now a ridiculous thought to me.  The idea of not seeing beautiful snow (and yes, even the shoveling) and dressing in layers of comfy, warm swears and heavy-duty scarves just makes me scratch my head and wonder "What the hell was I thinking?"  Down south, I do not assume their leaves change each year.  I grew up with a golf course with trees as far as the eye could see as my front yard, and the idea of not seeing those reds, yellows, and oranges makes my mind boggle. 

My mother stole these things from me.  Rather than enjoying the moment I was in or the seasons that surround us, I was busy worrying about her (literally every moment of the day). 

As I sit here typing, the gorgeous damp, cool breeze of fall (at 55 degrees outside) is permeating the room through the open window next to me.  I have on my favorite sweater (the one I bought because it reminds me so much of the sweater my grandfather used to wear when I was young), and I am using the blanket I knitted (and am still knitting each year to make it bigger and bigger) as a lap warmer.  I couldn't imagine life without this weather.  Without the feelings it brings with it.  Being hot and sweaty in October just doesn't make sense to this Midwest girl.  I need my falls.  And I need my winters.  I just had myself convinced I needed something different to be happy.  Something away from my mother.

While I still want to move, I don't know if I'd go far (though anywhere is better than a block away from my mother, which is where I live now).  I'd like to stay in this climate to explore what else I've been missing for so long because of her.  What else I've been ignoring.  What else she's taken away from us.

I am learning to love life again.  The guilt is gone.  The anger is still there, but has definitely lessened.  I have a freedom I haven't ever known before.  There's no true words to explain what it feels like to have been trapped for so long and then let free (if there is, please share them with me, because I'd like to print them on a tshirt! ).  It's like a weight has been lifted and your mind is out of the fog.  You feel clearer.  Sharper.  Freer.  And you are able to enjoy normal things again.

It's like a second chance at life.  If that's the one thing I could say about going no contact, that would be it.  Because truly, it is.  Who wouldn't want a second chance at life?  I consider myself one of the luckiest people in the world because of this chance.  To be rid of toxicity like that?  It's utterly awe-inspiring.

So do yourself a favor: consider going NC with your mother and other toxic people in your life (remember, I went NC with my entire family first, then old friends were narcs, then my mother, and now my narc in-laws).  So while we are surrounded by less people, we are happier than we ever have been before.  We are free. 

And you can be too 💗

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She sends you a 16th birthday card and uses it as a way to further her "victimized" agenda.





Today has proved that my mother is still a huge C U Next Tuesday!!



Today I opened my mailbox to find my only piece of mail is a 16th birthday card from my mother to my son.  I gave him the option to open it, because he's 16 and I can't just make decisions for him.  It's his birthday, that would be really overstepping if I just threw it away.  So I handed him the card, he opened it, and literally read it front to back.  Then he threw it at me and said "She hand picked this card because she wants to prove a point.  She couldn't even pick a card I'd like...it's all about her.  Here, read it." 

So I did. 

I was expecting a letter, but no.  It was all just printed from the card manufacturer that read something like (paraphrasing):


"Dearest Grandson,

We may not be able to see each other as often as we like,
Things in life may keep us apart,
But I want you to know that I am thinking of you on this day,
And every day."


Now, it was a LOT longer than that...it was a few pages long.  But this is pretty much the concept. 

*sigh*  My oldest, his brother, got $150 from her on his 16th birthday.  Cash.  That's what she's known for: huge sums of money on birthdays. 

But because of being no contact, I knew this year she'd send nothing.  My son also knew this.  We expected her to send no card at all.  We hoped she wouldn't.  But instead, she sends a shitty card as if to say "I don't care enough about you to send you a card you'd like, or one that fit your personality at all, and while I normally give everyone money for their birthday, I am going to make a show out of not giving you anything all by sending you a card with nothing in it".  It was a card sent for HER, not my son.  So this goes to show that she will stoop even lower than normal (or maybe this is her normal?).  I mean, who does that to kid on their 16th birthday? 

AND he's her golden child!

If they can treat their golden child like this, imagine what she will do to the rest of us?  (well, nothing, after she gets her next piece of mail of from me...read on to find out my plan...)

Funny thing?  He's not even offended or even mad.  He was laughing when he read the card and threw in jest after reading it.  He thinks she's a toddler in a 70 year old body and he has such great self-esteem that he knows this has nothing to do with him at all.  He isn't taking it personally.

I, on other hand, am beyond pissed.  But that's what she wants, isn't it?  But seeing how my son is taking it makes me beyond happy. That he's so self-confident that it doesn't affect his self-worth to have an adult use his birthday in that way.  If that had been me at 16, I would have been beyond hurt (my 16th birthday sucked horribly....no party, nothing, just sitting home watching TV).

So rather than react irrationally and do something stupid, I have decided that she has broken my rule of absolutely no contact whatsoever.  This is something I spelled out in her "sending off" email I sent back in April.  And she's broken it more than once (driving past my house honking, another time driving past and yelling, and yesterday, she actually called me--thank goodness my phone caught it and blocked her!!). 

So, this is the last straw.  Had the card been something he liked, or even had something written by her that was nice, I would have ignored it.  But it wasn't, and the only words written by her was her signature.  This shows that the card was 100% a manipulation trying to guilt my son (or me?) into contacting her again.

I am going to send her a cease and desist letter.

This means, that the cease and desist is the last piece of correspondence I will send her before I get a restraining order on her.  This is a legal warning (usually drawn up by a lawyer, but you can send one yourself), that states "cease your behavior, or else you will face legal ramifications that are spelled out in this letter".  It's all legal jargon, no emotion, so it's perfectly fine to send one of these to your parents if they won't stop contacting you, as it won't break your choice of going no contact (meaning, it doesn't count as contact). 

She thinks I am playing a game here.  And why wouldn't she?  All she knows are games.  She thinks my not speaking to her is a ploy to....well, I have no idea.  Punish her?  But hopefully this cease and desist will show her I am 100% NOT playing any kind of game, and she cannot just do what she wants when it comes to me or my family. 

My job is to protect my family and I'll be damned if I am going to let this woman disrupt my family's 6 months (so far) of peace. 

aka C U Next Tuesday

Have you ever had to take legal action against your parents?  I hope it doesn't come to that.  I hope she reads my cease and desist and just obeys its directions.

*sigh*  Why did it take me this long?  I don't know.  I had a dream last night I forgave her.  I had the dream and I woke feeling PISSED!  I had a conversation last night with my mom's BFF (who pretends to be my friend) and all I heard about was how this "friend" betrayed my trust AGAIN, for billionth time, and told my mother everything I said the last few times I've talked to her.  AND she keeps lying that 4 years ago she only told my mother "one thing" I said, which is a lie, because she told her everything I said.  AND she was angry with me for lying to her about it all.  But, that's not an issue for me, that was 4 years ago, but she keeps saying "only one thing" over and over again, so I had to set her straight.

Another thing, yesterday my mother said to her "Why do you stay friends with me if you believe her?" (meaning me).  I didn't say anything, but I agree with my mother on that point.  Why does she stay friends with her?  I think she likes the drama and chaos. 

So, last night's dream made me realize: this isn't working anymore.  I can't do this.  And I don't want anything associated with either of them anymore. 

So I sent her a message on Facebook today that was a long time coming:

__________________________________________________________________________

Well, 17 years ago yesterday.  Although in some moments, it feels like yesterday.  And yesterday, I completely forgot, although I will cut myself some slack as I had a pretty bad migraine.  Today is 9/11, and we're supposed to think about the World Trade Center, but a year and a day before that fateful day, my father had passed away from a short battle with cancer, which was more than just shocking, as he was only sick for a month prior.

In my memoir, I call my father "the slave" and my mother "the warden".  While he really was my mother's slave (emotional slave, working slave, etc.), he was so much more.  He was my abuser, my champion, and everything in between.  He loved me, I have no doubt about that, but he also hated me with a deep seated passion that is reserved for a man's innermost demons.  What I represented to him I'll never know.  But what I do know is that he died without saying he was sorry.  He died without making anything right.  And he had his chances to.  I gave him many.  But he never did.  I was left, alone, with an insane, grieving, narcissistic, abusive, alcoholic mother and my own abusive husband.  There was nobody to turn to, nobody to talk to.  That first year I was numb, in shock.  But come the second year, I hated him with a passion that outrivaled his own hate for me.  I could have danced and spit on his grave.  I was so very happy he was dead.

It took 12 years for me to forgive him and to heal from his abuse.  Now 17 years later (though only five years from when I healed), I feel that I still have healing left to do at times.  I can remember him without anger, without hatred, but in certain moments, I can hear his words and remember the fear I had with him being around.  This is from my recent choice to go no contact with my mother, and trying to heal from her abuse. 

My father died in 2000, and in 2010, my mother remarried to another man, who also quickly died of cancer.  And her wound was reopened.  I feel that's the same thing going on here: by being forced to deal with my mother's abuse, I am reopening the wounds of my father's abuse.

Just when I thought I had completely healed from him. 

But I am okay with this.  I am ready.  Because if this means I would be free from both of their abuse, then it's worth it.  I mean, I will never be really free, it will always bet there, lurking in the corners of my psyche, ready to rear it's ugly head when I am in a position to be reminded of their cruel and awful behavior.  So it will be something I will have to be working on for my entire life.  But will be lessened by whatever work I do now: journaling, art, therapy, etc. 

My father and my mother taught me to fear success.  To fear actually doing something with my life, to fear follow through.  They did this by putting me down over and over whenever I did actually do something great, or actually followed through with something.  They told me I was worthless, that I never amount to anything.  And so I became exactly what they said.  Every single day.

And this is what I have to undo.  This is the almost 40 years of abuse I will have to fix, 40 years of bad choices due to the engrained belief that I am not worth anything good. 

I would like to believe that if my father had a consciousness after death, he would be sorry, full of regret, and would make things right if he could.  I would like to believe these things.  To believe he would regret ruining my childhood, beating his wife, beating his dog, punching his child in the face, and emotionally and mentally destroying that same child so she is left at 40 still trying to undo all that damage.  I would like to believe these things.  But the dead can't talk and there's no such thing as psychics.

So I am left with coming to the understanding that it doesn't matter if he's sorry or not.  Or if she will ever be.  I am left with realizing it's okay, that I don't need their sorrow or their apologies.  Because even if I got one, how would I believe it?  My father is dead, he cannot apologize, but my mother is a narcissist, which means she cannot tell the truth.  Ever. 

So I am left with only one thing to heal myself with: me.  And I have to start believing that is enough.

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

You know what I am talking about, those "apologies" that our narcissists give us, hidden in other words.  The ones we assume are apologies, but aren't quite sure if they are.   OR they are the ones that our narcs give us in lieu of a real apology.  The ones you've been told are apologies, but there's no "I'm sorry" or any owning up to what they did wrong. 

Both aren't real, so stop accepting them!! 

The issue here is you.  I know, that's tough to hear.  But you are allowing these people to apologize in a half-ass, roundabout way, and by accepting this (in an assumed way: just letting them say it and pretending like the situation never happened), you are saying to them "It's okay, you don't actually have to own up to your mistreatment of me, I am not worth a real apology anyways".  You are setting the stage for what you will and won't accept in your life and you are straight up telling them that you aren't worth actually apologizing to.  AND you are telling them that their mistreatment of you is not only okay, but deserved. 

Is that what you want?  Is what how you want to live?  I know this how you were raised and it's a coping mechanism you've developed in order to actually survive your parents' asshole behavior.  It then puts you out into the world, doing with every narcissist in your life.  But now it's time to get passed that shit.  Because you are worth so much more than an "assumed apology".  You deserve more and shouldn't take anything less than a real one.

Now, I know there are circumstances in which you do not want to enrage the narcissist in your life.  Because standing up for yourself will 99% of the time do exactly what.  But...if you can afford them being angry for a moment, then you need to stand up for yourself.  This will set the tone for your relationship with them, that you won't stand for not being apologized to (frankly, if you can set the tone by going completely no contact, that would be best, but I know that's not always possible). 

Say your parents do or say something nasty to you or your family.  So you let them know you are angry by avoiding them.  Typically, they will wait until enough time has passed, and then say something out of the blue, something normal and like nothing has happened.  They expect you to follow suit, just act like nothing has happened.  It's an assumed, unspoken apology and acceptance of that apology.  Or sometimes they will say something that resembles an apology (at least in your head-but in reality, it resembles nothing at all), and the same will happen.  Both parties act like nothing ever happened. 

My mother liked to badmouth people who did the same bad things as she did, which always led me to believe she was secretly apologizing, like somehow she was actually talking about herself, and not this other person.  Because why would anyone badmouth another person who did the same bad things?  That makes no sense, right?!  So obviously, she's secretly apologizing.  Duh. 

See how ridiculous that sounds?  See how we make up these stories in our heads, and believe them, even though nothing could be further from the truth?  We had to do this in order to cope, in order not to blow up or go crazy or feel desperately alone.  We truly believe these people have our best interests at heart and we make up anything to back up the lies we tell ourselves in order to keep believing that.  What we forget (or don't realize) is that these people DO NOT LOVE US.   Like, at all.  They are incapable of love.  And that scares us to no end, because we do not want to be unloved.  But we are only a means to an end for them.  That's it.  That's all anyone is to them, not just us.  I know we should be special, that we should be the ones that they actually care about, but we aren't.  We are simply pawns to be sacrificed so the royals can protect one another.  They see everyone as pawns.  Everyone. 

And while that's a hard pill to swallow, it's the truth. 

And their half-assed, pretend apologies aren't worth jack.  And you have to stop letting them think they are. 

You have every single right to expect a real apology from them.  You are owed that by them.

Now, their real apology isn't really real, because they'll do it again.  But, forcing them to own up to what they've done wrong, even if in only words (meaning they aren't actually owning up, they're just saying they are), you are setting the tone that you refuse to be abused.  That you won't just "let things go".  That they can no longer just "get away with it".  And if they do what my mother did after she physically attacked me on May 16, 2006?  Where she whole-heartedly apologized one day, but then made fun of me for calling the police and badmouthed me to everyone after?  Then you don't let them get away with that either.  Back then, I had no idea my mother had NPD, and I was stuck living with her.  But I could have stood up to her anyways, but I didn't.  I let that psycho bitch poke fun at me and try to humiliate me to our neighbors.

Because that's how I was raised.  Don't poke the bear that is my raging mother.  I mean hell, I poked her on that spring day by standing up for myself and I got hit in the face.  But I was at my breaking point. I couldn't just sit there and let her call me a pervert one more time for co-sleeping with my little boys.  I was done.  And I was prepared for whatever she said next.  I wasn't prepared for her physical violence, but I was glad it happened.  To actually see how far my mother would take things was finally happening and now I knew what I was dealing with.  I knew what to expect.  And I knew I was capable of hitting her back, which was also refreshing.  A life of built up anger, of letting her hit me with out doing one thing to protect myself was finally over.

She tried to hit me again, during our big blowup (which is what started this blog).  But I ran away before she could actually strike me.  I was prepared.  I knew what was coming next.  I saw the signs.  I hadn't known them the last time, but this time I knew exactly when it was coming and ran out the door so couldn't catch me.  I could have let her hit me and then called the police to arrest her this time.  But I don't like violence, so I wasn't about to sacrifice my body to her so I could put her where she belonged.  Physical violence leaves an imprint on my psyche.  I prefer to be around it as little of that as possible now that I am an adult and I have the control to walk away from situations that hurt me or my family. 

She never apologized for that one, though.  She never apologize ever again for anyone.  And I stopped assumed she was sorry for anything at all.  I found out about narcissism and realized: she had never been sorry for anyone in her entire life.  She only apologized to get something out of it: sympathy, control, etc.  It was never genuine.  It was never meant.  It was always a manipulation. 

So, you may ask yourself, "Why do I want to press for a real apology when they don't mean it?"  That's actually a great question.  Because on the surface, it looks futile and completely useless.  But there's one good reason to do it:

You.

It doesn't matter if they mean it or not.  Frankly, the apology itself isn't what we're going for here at all.  What we're going for is what you are telling them by forcing them to apologize.  You are saying "I will no longer accept that you hurt me and get away with it.  In order to be in my life, you must know that I am not letting you get away with it anymore.  You will own up, even if in only words, to what you've done wrong and I will not pretend it didn't happen.  I am allowed my pain.  I am allowed my history as fact, not as you pretended it happened.  And I am allowed put you in your place when you've done something wrong." 

In other words "I will stand up for myself, and you will not forget it." 

And just like with children, you must be consistent.  You must do this every single time.  Eventually they will learn.  If they don't?  They don't get you in their lives.  If they try to deny or deflect, you will remind them of what they did wrong and walk away if they won't engage.  And the moment they come crawling back to you?  You will engage again.  You will keep engaging until they back down and own up, or if they prove they will always refuse to engage, you will stop going back and go no contact. 

If you live with them?  You can't go no contact.  But, you can force them to engage as long as you don't give up.  And once they do engage and own up, don't let them backtrack (because they will!).  Keep on them, every single time they want to deflect or ignore, just force them to the truth.  Never back down. 

I am not saying get on their case constantly if they've already apologized, but apologies don't mean jack without them proving remorse.  If they apologize and act like it never happened?  Then you have the right to bring it up when it's bothering you.  But not constantly.  See a therapist if something is constantly bothering you.  Whether or not the narcissist will go with you is up in the air, but you can certainly see one alone.  And you can work through your issues without them.  Sometimes, that's what's needed, esp. if they refuse to take responsibility for their actions. 

Frankly, if you are involved with a narcissist on any level, you should be seeing a therapist.  Even if they are no longer in your lives, but you have residual issues stemming from their abuse (and they all are abusive in their own ways). 

If you don't want to wait around for an apology, or feel it's useless, then consider going completely no contact.  I knew my mother's apologies were never going to amount to a damn thing, so I walked away.  I was done.  Enough was enough. 

I stopped needing her to say she was sorry, because sorry is just a word (and it hardly ever came out of her mouth anyways).  What I needed from her was something she could never, ever give me, so I let her go.  There comes a time in your life that you have to ask yourself: when is enough enough?  How long will you let them continue to hurt you?  Because if you can ask yourself that, you may find that today is the day that you will stop letting yourself be abused and you walk away.  That day came to me as a surprise.  I didn't wake up knowing that I was done.  I didn't even think after being around her horrible self that day that I as done.  It was only when I asked myself: "What if I was done today?  What if today is the day I no longer let her hurt me anymore?"

And as it turned out, it was that day.  Apologies or not, I was done.  And here we are.

Photo by sam bloom on Unsplash

My mother only ever wanted me around when I could do something for her.  Her close friend (our old mutual friend) is the same.  There are two reasons she calls me:

1) To gossip (which is a means to an end,  for her.  It has nothing to do with me at all.  It's something she needs: a human being to gossip to, the more the merrier.  I am just thrown into that bit. 

2) Someone to do something for her.  Which again, is a means to an end, for her.  Again, nothing to do with me.  Just a person to fill that role, a human being to be bought and used and soon, discarded for the more important person: the narcissist.

She will call my mother to go shopping, to go garage sale-ing, to go anywhere.  But she only calls me for these two things.  Funny, she used to do these things with me, but from what I can tell now, it was just to make my mother jealous.  I thought she was hanging out with me because she liked me, but I am sure the moment we got back she would tell my mother "Guess who I went to the store with?"  She was always upset my mother would never go to the store with her, and would always ask me.  BUT now, my mother will go to the store with her, and I never get one invitation.  So I feel it's safe to assume these things. 

It's just annoying.  Why can't she just stop asking me for stuff or stop gossiping to me?  And just understand we don't have that kind of friendship anymore?  But it's hard for her to understand anything at all, so how can I expect her to understand that the only time I want her to call me is when something bad has happened to mother?  I could just tell her outright, but I have told her MANY things outright and she just doesn't get it.  So I don't want to be stuck telling her that several times, over and over again (which is how things usually go with her).  I'd rather just ignore her.  I could half lie and tell her I sprained my ankle and I can't help her, but that only takes care of now, not future things she'll ask me to do for her. 

Today she called to ask if I would do yardwork for her, and she'll pay me.  I really did sprain my ankle a few weeks ago (and it's still a little swollen and hurts somewhat).  And the kind of yardwork she's asking for involves feet, so I really would not be able to help her anyways.  But I don't want to contact her at all.  I want her to stop treating me badly and that will only happen if she leaves me alone. 

I know if I tell her outright why I don't want to talk to her, she will run to my mother and my mother will convince her that I am making a big deal over nothing and she's a good friend and I am just a bitch.  And this will convince her, because honestly, this woman wants to believe nothing bad about herself.  And she only befriends narcissists and treats people who care about her like shit (even if unintentionally---I know that sounds naïve, but I truly do not believe she treats me bad on purpose, she has lower functioning aspergers and just doesn't get it). 

Sidenote: if you are not familiar with the different levels of aspergers, I am painting a different picture of her to you.  Have you seen Parenthood?  There's a boy on there with aspergers who's name is Max.  He has normal aspergers, not high-functioning.  My sister-in-law has that.  You can tell.  HF aspies are more quirky, but you can't tell by their speech or actions that they have aspergers unless you understood the high-functioning level.  Aspergers is high-functioning autism.  But you have lower-functioning aspergers (like Max) and higher-functioning (like Dan Ackroyd).  It's all a scale, and scales within scales.  I have it too, but I am very high-functioning, whereas this woman is lower-functioning on the high-functioning scale.  Confusing, I know.  This just means she's closer to a typical aspie, the kind that everyone knows about. 

See though, that's my issue.  Her ability to understand things when you tell her is compromised, so you end up having to repeat the same thing to her 50x before she gets it, and even then, sometimes it doesn't stick.  I don't want to hurt her feelings, but mostly, I don't want her to not accept responsibility for her actions towards me and use my mother to tell her that I am the bad guy here.  If that will happen, then what's the point of telling her at all? 

I know I sound like a used record.  But life isn't always neatly wrapped up with a perfect bow, with neatly placed compartments that do not spill into one another.  Life is messy, unpredictable, and pretty repetitive.  The same issues will keep coming up, over and over again until you figure how best to deal with them.  And when you don't know how?  It leaves that gate wide open for things to crash into one another on a continuous basis.  So I feel like I am always having to deal with this women, whether I actually deal with her or not.  That gate is left open because my unwillingness to take action, REAL action.  My inaction is an action, but it's not REAL action.

But, as much as it bothers me to not take REAL action, I have learned recently that sometimes there's a reason for that feeling...that pulling feeling that stops you from speaking your mind when you know you should.  Sometimes there's something bigger at play and your gut tells you to just stay out of it, even when you know the right thing to do is to say what you feel and stand up for yourself.  I've been learning to accept that feeling (it's played so many times in my life) and just roll with it.  So while it feels good to explore my feelings on this blog, about how I feel about certain people who treat me badly, there's something that's holding me back from doing anything about it.  And I have to be okay with that.  Because, when the time IS right?  It won't feel that way anymore.  That much I've learned. 

So, I'll just sit here and evade her as much as I can, and only deal with her directly when I absolutely have to.  Which I hope is hardly ever. 

Photo by Jamison McAndie on Unsplash

There is really inaccurate article out there about how narcissists prey on the strong.  It's contradictory is most parts, because while it says that they see strong people as a challenge, it also states that all abusers like this (psychopaths, sociopaths, narcs) see everyone as beneath them.  So one could argue that they see everyone as weak, just varying degrees.  You can read the article here.  Anyways, it's bullshit, because seeming strong on the outside is not the same as being strong.  There is always a weakness inside of a person that allows others to abuse them.  And most people have it.

One person commented on this, agreeing by saying "Nobody wants to rob an empty house".  I commented back that narcissists do not want to rob you, they want to possess you.  And they want to possess those who they deem easy to take. 

Do some narcs want a strong-willed person to give them a challenge?  Sure!  But most are pretty damn lazy.  Look around at your mother's inner circle of codependent flying monkeys: what do you see?  What about your father?  Are these people strong, mentally-healthy, independent-minded people who are secure in themselves?

*giggle*  I thought not.

My grandfather had a 6th grade education, whereas my grandmother was college educated and brilliant.  My grandfather was easy prey.  My grandmother was cunning, brilliant, and someone who you'd think would like a challenge.  But alas, she saw him as an empty house she could easily possess and fill with her own agenda.  Most narcs, even cunning ones, are too lazy to rob and replace, they just want to fill and possess. 

I am not saying that all people who get taken for a ride by a narc are weak, not at all.  Narcs see us as weak.  They see us as easy prey.  How?  Well, we show them that we'll take their shit.  Those of us who won't take their shit walk away.  So there is something that's attracting us to these relationships, as friends or SO's/spouses (and them to us).  And what's attracting us is the fact we were trained by our own parents to take their shit.  So we're used to it. 

People who don't stand up for themselves are definitely targeted.  People who are pliable and too agreeable are also targeted.  People who wear their hearts on their sleeves are also targeted.  Men and women who send off the vibe that they are damaged are also targeted (I know, because I used to be that girl).  But strong, confident people are not really targeted....they maybe be challenged to see if they will be one of the above (because strong and confident in your job doesn't mean you are strong and confident deep down).  If the narc sees that this person pliable or too much of a "people pleaser", they may be targeted.  But mind you: they aren't targeted for their strength: they are targeted because something proved to the narc that they'd be easy enough prey.  Because those that are actually strong enough to not be interested in the narc's games will be tossed to the curb (or they will leave because they see through the narc's bullshit). 

I got suckered into a narc relationship because I was damaged.  I got pregnant really quickly and all of a sudden found myself in a marriage.  I did not bow down to his narc games and held my head high and refused to budge, but not because I was born that way.  I was made that way by being in a 2 year relationship previously with an emotionally and physically abusive narcissist.  I did gain the strength to leave that 2 year boyfriend, but immediately begged him to take me back a few days later(although he found another woman to possess, once much more pliable than I--easier prey, and he refused to take me back--LUCKILY!).  But from this situation I learned how to be stronger. 

So, what do you do when you end up in a relationship with a narc and you refuse to back down and be his or her victim?  You go through hell, that's what.  The yelling, the screaming, the breaking of items, the abuse of your children......after 6 years I had to leave.  I had to walk away, even though I had nothing.  But I am stubborn and refused to give in, so I did what I had to do to survive and go live with my narcissistic, abusive mother for a bit.  We had to endure her abuse, for almost a year.  But my stubbornness kept us safe most days (when she did eventually physically assault me, we ended up moving out) and I made sure we kept our distance.

My point: the only way we become strong when it comes to narcissists, is to endure narcissistic abuse and come out the other side with our lessons learned.  We have to build hard shells that filter out all the bullshit (whether with friends or lovers) that is only created when we've gone through the actual war of living with a narc (or having any sort of relationship with one).  Living with our parents growing up is not enough: that part actually primes us for abusive relationships in the future.  We have to actually pay attention and endure what these assholes do in order to be strong enough to repel them later. 

So despite this article claiming that narcs target strong people, the fact of the matter is that deep down, if you stay with a narc, you haven't gotten strong enough yet.  They deem us as weak--which means that they deem us as people who will put our narcs before ourselves. 

The opposite of strong, in this situation, is not being weak, even if others see us as that.  The opposite of being strong is having a weakness that our parents instilled in us.  Our weakness is to let others control us.  But if you've grown up with that, that's all you know.  So that's what you will gravitate to in friendships and lovers.  Does that make us bad or stupid or wrong?  No, it makes us human.  Being strong is something we have to learn ourselves.  It's a long, hard process, but it's doable.

I was strong-minded, strong-willed, and had ODD as a teenager.  You'd think I'd be the one dominating all my relationships, right?  Yet, I surrounded myself with narcissistic friends and dated only men who hurt me.  The ones who treated me well bored me and I quickly tired of them and soon would move onto another hurtful man (or rather, boy).  My all-time BFF who I never had one single fight with for the 2 years we were BFF's, was a raging covert narcissist.  She was evil and cruel and I always forgave her because I was like a lost puppy dog by her side.  I craved her attention, which she would give me (love bombing) and then she'd find another person to love-bomb and leave me sitting there wondering what I did wrong.  During this time she'd badmouth me, but always talk her way out of it.  Then, she'd have enough, and come back to me and love bomb me all over again.  The straw that broke the camel's back was she went around telling everyone the father of my baby (my ex-narcissist husband) wasn't the father of my baby.  No reason, just for fun. 

You see, I wasn't strong at all, even though I presented myself as strong-minded and strong-willed.  I even thought of myself that way, but I just wasn't.  I still had my weakness that made me let others control me and hurt me.  And my ex didn't target me....I went after him.  I was sick of "bad boys" and wanted a nice guy.  And because I was pregnant, I found myself trapped with a raging narcissist (he is, and was, so very covert).  And I stayed with him to protect my son (I couldn't go back to my parents' house until after my father died, as he was horribly physically abusive).  I had to pick one abuser over another, but it was still my choice (I knew I could keep my son protected from his father more than I could from my own father). 

The only time I realized my ex had broken me was after we were divorced!  Silly, right?  I had left but I so desperately believed that deep down, despite his horrible raging (and scary) temper, he was capable of being a good person.  I gave him chance after chance after chance.....in the end, he got his rights taken away and didn't see the kids for 5 years.  But during our marriage, I KNEW he was a shitty father and a shitty person.  It was only after we divorced that he lured me with "nice bombing" (showing me a side to him that I hadn't seen since before we got married).  Which then created this horrible situation for my children.  But in the end, I wised up and realized he was just playing games with me (and them). 


So as you can see, there no such thing as a "strong" person that gets with a narc.  We can be stronger than we were before, sure.  That doesn't make us "strong" as a whole.  Despite your high-powered job or life that seems to be together, you still have a weakness if you get with a narc and stay with him or her.  And having that weakness makes you human, not "weak".  It's like separating yourself from an illness: you aren't what you have.  Having a weakness doesn't make you weak.  But it does make the narcissist think you are weaker than they are.  If you let them hurt you, they think they have the right to hurt you.  I was literally told that by an old friend who was a narc:

"If people would just stand up for themselves, I would just stop bullying them.  But they don't, so they deserve it". 

That's simply not true, but that's how she saw things (which is bullshit, because when I did stand up for myself with her, I was blamed, bad-mouthed, and bullied some more).  But that's how warped their excuses are. 

This article speaks about strong people getting targeted by narcs because they like a challenge.  I think it's normal to want to give that excuse for why someone was in an abusive relationship, but if we want to accept reality, we need to realize that our weakness is why they stay.  It's harsh, but it's true.  And one day, when we can defeat that weakness, narcs won't be allowed in our lives anymore. 

Narcissistic abuse can make us stronger, wiser, and more powerful, but only if we learn from it.  Only if we decide not to take it anymore.  Only when we realize that nobody is in control of who we are except us. 

And while that goes against everything we were taught growing up, it is possible and it can be done.  You just have to find your own last straw.  Even if it's over something that's not a big deal at all.  Last straws don't have to be grand gestures, they can be just a quiet bowing out.  Both will have the same impact on your life: YOU decided that you won't let others control you anymore.  YOU.  And if that's not strength, I don't know what is.