I just remembered today about mother telling me about her friend's husband (actually it was a mutual friend, but it's a complicated story, so I'll just say her friend).  She told me with rude words that her friend was happy she married a man who couldn't have sex with her.  I am not 100% for sure on this, but it may have been due to her weight (my mom made of her weight all the time, and how she had to sit to do laundry or the dishes or how they had order extra large toilets for their new house because they were both so big) or something similar.  Not that the friend was talking about her weight...no, it would had been my mom saying she was "too fat to have sex so luckily she married a guy who couldn't".  The more I think about it, I am pretty sure that was it.  I am very sure that at one point she literally said "She's so fat, who'd want to have sex with her?"  

Anyways, that was mean enough.  But then she proceeds to tell me that the husband had been molested and raped by his mother so many times and that's why he can't have sex anymore. And it wasn't in a nice tone, she was saying how putrid that was (though it was putrid because that man's mother is a putrid person for having done that, but there was no endearing tone to show how bad she felt for the guy, just how disgusted she was that it had happened).  I know she found him putrid of what his mother did to him, which isn't fair.  But now that I realize this, I realize why my mom treats me so badly about my own molestation and rape--she thinks I am defective because of it.

But my point in posting this to show you all something---do NOT share your private shit with a narcissist.  EVER.  They will tell everyone you know about it.  Don't think that anything you say is sacred, because it isn't.

This is a horribly disgusting way to talk about someone, and she does it all the time.  Nobody is immune.  Even those who are in need of immunity.

Just a reminder.  Leave any private information private around a narcissist.

The other day our mutual friend took BM (Lisa) to the grocery store and BM looks at my friend and says "We're like her family."  Meaning her and our friend, talking about mother.  My friend doesn't have a great memory so she can't remember what they were talking about to begin with (or maybe she just doesn't want me to know....talking about me perhaps?  Possibly.)

My friend looks at her and says "We aren't her family, she has family. Girl Lost is her family.  We are her friends and neighbors, that's it."  BM shut up after that, but apparently inside of BM's warped little brain she thinks that she's my mother's daughter (she calls her mom--and somehow my mother found out that this bothers me, so she tells BM not to call her mom in front of me---WTF?  Why let her call you that at all???)  This coupled with telling BM on the phone "If you aren't here, who will take care of me?" makes me want to piss fire ants all over her face!  And when I say "her" I mean BM AND mother.

I swear to god, I am counting down the days until we get rid of her car!  I need to clean the seats (because apparently water stains the upholstery in that car) and clean it real nice and just bring it back and be done with it.  But the issue is I need a new car to buy first as my oldest son has a job and needs something to get to work.

Back when I tried to talk mother into giving the car back to the dealership, she was saying behind our backs "I can't wait to see (my oldest son) get up to take his dad to work so he can have the car for work!"  She was being snarky, like he couldn't do it.  She's such a fucking bitch, I swear.  Actually she's just a horrible person who doesn't deserve anything from me at all.  Last year or the year before she was making fun of him for not being able to get a job "because of his anxiety!" ("anxiety" was said in a sing-song childish voice to make fun of him).

But back to BM.  I am just waiting...biding my time, until I can get that crazy bitch out of our lives.  Even my friend said that it always seems like BM wants to horn her way into my family and take over.  And even though mother has a love/hate relationship with her (she's like addicted to BM), she lets her.  So I want to be done with this and just let BM be her daughter instead of me.  Because this is tiresome and I am so ready to be done with her.  With them both.

OR I am waiting until I can put mother in a home and I will never tell BM where I put her LOL  Or have mother get bad enough that I can change the locks and never let BM around ever again.

But I'd rather just walk away.  It would better for my sanity and the sanity of my family.

One day, this will be a real choice for us.  But for now, I will just put up with what I have to in order to survive without going insane. 

I have this fantasy, that I get DNA results from my heritage test and find out I am not related to my birthfamily.  That my results are from some country that my birthfamily isn't.  And that my actual blood-related family is some kind of loving couple with an amazing extended family filled with awesome aunts, uncles and cousins and I have brothers and sisters who want to know me.  And I find out that I was never supposed to be adopted.  I then tear into my mother's house and tell her exactly what I think of her and be done with her.  Since I was never supposed to be her daughter, I can just make a clean break of it and go back to my real family.  Back to where I truly belong.  My hubby and kids and I can just leave and go be with them and finally have family we can count on to love us and we can love them.

Because the families that we have right now?  Suck total ass.  Obviously you know about my family right now, but my birthfamily is no different.  Narcissism runs through their bloodlines as well.  As is my husband's family, as is my ex-husband's family.  How can that be?  How can my life, in every single incarnation of what could have been or could be, be this awful and full of narcissism?  Why?  Did I do something terrible in a past life that would end up with some really shitty karma in this one?  What?  Was I Joan Crawford in my last life?  And why punish my children?  What did they do?  They are in the same boat as me: nobody cares about us but us.  Hell, their grandma didn't even call my oldest on his 19th birthday this year (my ex's mom).  And hubby has the same issue.  We are all stuck with the four of us. And that's it.  And while I wouldn't trade my family for anything, it would be nice to have extended family (and parents) who actually love us and care about us.  If you're reading this, you more than likely know exactly what I am talking about. 

As a child, I fantasized about having a family that loved me.  About having anyone at all that loved me.  Now, I have my children and hubby that love me, but we all only have each other.  Some of you out there may have had a grandparent or an aunt or uncle or even a father that truly loved you.  You may have had a shelter from the storm.  But we have had no one.  Not one person who is capable of caring more about us than themselves.  When we used to run away from my dad who was abusing us, my grandparents would send my mother and I home.  "He's your husband, you need to go work it out with him."  But he's beating my mom, and her parents didn't give two shits.  So apparently my mother is in the same boat as me.  Too bad she treated me like shit, otherwise she'd have me to lean on.  But hell, she can't even admit he beat her.  It's like I am the only person carrying around this abuse--she's made up an entire backstory of our past life that never happened.  At least I realize my fantasies aren't real.  She lives inside hers.

And some of you have amazing in-laws.  Probably not most of you, but some of you.  I feel really happy when I hear about that.  I run a support group for adult children of narcissistic mothers and some of my members have this wonderful thing.  But most don't.  Most are in the same boat as I am and some are worse off (as they are married to narcs).  Why are we being punished?  I know that's not the truth...I know nobody is punishing us, it's the luck of the draw.  As an atheist, I don't believe in a higher power planning out our lives for us.  BUT I can totally understand why others believe...how nice it would be to blame someone else for our circumstances.  Or to think there is a reason for why we are here, enduring this bullshit.  It makes sense and it feels good to believe there is a plan.

But to me, there isn't a plan.  We're just stuck in a bad situation that we have to choose to make the best of.  WE have to be the ones in charge.  WE have to choose: walk away or stay.  WE have to put ourselves in scary situations, such as leaving a bad home life or a bad parent for something better--it's scary because we have no idea what will come next.  But that's how we grow and become better people: by choosing better, for us and our children.  I walked away from my narcissistic ex-husband for an unknown life and almost immediately found my now husband (I wasn't even looking for a new man).  We were very lucky.  WE have to put ourselves in charge of our lives.  To me, there nobody else pulling our marionette strings.  It's just us making our own choices: stay the same or brave the unknown and change and find something better.

I know my fantasy will never be a truth.  I will get my DNA results back and learn what I already know and then learn about my birthfather's heritage (as I don't know who he is).  And that will be that.  But the best part will be that it will give me some sort of anchor to who I am without my mother or her family.  I can have an identity away from being only Swedish (I know I am part Swedish, but the rest, I have no clue).  But it's fun to fantasize about this amazing family I have out there, one who loves me and my family as much as my husband and I love our own children.  To pretend for a moment that we belong to something greater than ourselves.  And I can see that's why people are drawn to religion.  But I am drawn to this earthly realm and what we can do for one another as humans.  Which is partly why I write this blog.  A large part of it is me feeling better by venting about my life, but another large part is that so you understand that you're not alone, dear reader.  That other people feel like you and are going through the same things.  Because I get it.  So many of us (TOO many of us) get it.

If you're interested in joining my support group, just leave a comment and I'll get in touch with you about it.  

And if you have your own fantasy of the perfect life, what would it be?  Tell me about it below and possibly we can create that fantasy life into a reality by creating our own destinies.  We can be those loving people to our own children or to someone else who needs a stable loving person in their world.  We may have been dealt a shit hand, but we can make the lives of others better because of what we know and understand.  Use our crappy experiences to better the world.  Even if just for one person <3

This is what she said to BM today right in front of me while on the phone with her.  I just stared at her, my mouth wide open.  I then made a loud noise and yelled "YEAH, I WONDER WHO WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU?  I WONDER WHO???"

She refused to even acknowledge what I said or even look at me.  So I went to leave and she said "Oh wait, you can't leave yet, I need you to fix my computer games!"  But then I left the room and heard her say it again to BM. "Yeah, if something happens to you, who will take care of me?"  So I yelled again "YEAH, I WONDER WHO, MA??!"  I wanted to scream.  Or punch someone in the face.  But I didn't, and she never once addressed what she said.  Tomorrow I have to take her to a doctor's appointment for a blood test, and maybe I'll push the subject "I wonder why BM can't take you?  Since she's the one who takes care of you!"  BM doesn't drive btw.  She is the neighborhood leach who only is your friend if you can give her rides or money.

Now that my mom can't do either of those things for her, she barely talks to her.  So what she said to her on the phone was her way of sucking up to her so she stays her friend.  But still, by doing so, she was giving me a HUGE slap in the face by saying in front of me, knowing I am her only caretaker. 

*sigh*  How do I not get pissed and scream at her?  I know she wants me to be angry about it....she was TRYING to make me mad and succeeded.  But letting her get away with it makes me feel horrible. 

UPDATE:  She called and left me a message and said that the reason she said that was because BM was talking about "not wanting to live anymore".  So she KNEW what she did was wrong, otherwise why call about it?  So okay, but why on earth did she say that particular thing?  There were a billion things she could have said.  When I told our mutual friend about it, she blurts out "What on EARTH does she even mean by that?  SHE takes care of BM, not the other way around!"  I agreed.  I also said that BM must have been confused by that remark because she has never once taken care of my mother.  So the only thing we both could think of was that she wanted to piss me off.  Either that or she's delusional.  Which I think I now is both LOL

Also, it's been a few days and she hasn't brought it up and I've cooled off, but I still think she's a total asshole for saying it.

But then, what else is new? 

Every single time we've gone out to eat with my mother for the past years, it's ALWAYS been when SHE has invited us.  Every year for income tax, we invite her out to eat, usually for my son's birthday.  She ALWAYS declines.

Every.  Single.  Time.

Then she'll run around and complain about we never take her out and she has to pay for us when we do go out.  Thing is: I HATE going out to eat, and she knows that.  That's why she invites us.

So today, my son asked "Can we take out grandma to the steakhouse?  Me and my brother?"  I said "Sure, I'll transfer money to your account."  We were at the store and he asked her and she said "No."  But then we carried in her groceries, he had to beg her (which is total bullshit--a real grandma would say "OMG that'd be so fun!  To go out with my two grandkids?  Let's go!") and she finally said yes. 

BUT the entire time she was bitching she had to pay for herself.  So our mutual friend came over and she kept saying "They are taking me out, but I have to pay for myself!  Isn't that crappy?!"  Supposedly joking, but she wouldn't stop saying it. 

It was getting on my last nerve.  It's like, nobody is taking you out, they are inviting you to go eat with them.  Mother ALWAYS goes out with our mutual friend to eat, and she ALWAYS pays for herself.  So why is it an issue today?  It's not, she was just being a bitch to irritate me.

And it worked. 

So then when I saw her number calling me a few minutes ago on my phone, I knew exactly why she was calling. 

"Oh yeah, I just remembered, I can't go out tonight, I am on medicine that makes me poop so I won't be able to make it home in time after eating."   Um a) then why can she go out with her friend to eat all the time?  b) the restaurant has a bathroom (though I don't like using public restrooms too much either, so I get that part) and c) she takes the meds herself, over the counter (a stool softener) so that's her choice to take them (though she probably needs them). 

My issue isn't her excuse, because I can see where this would be an issue, but what I have an issue with is that I KNEW she was going to call and cancel, period.  Had she not had issues with with her bowels, it would had been some other issue LOL  I laugh, because we are talking about mother's bowels, but in reality, it's not funny.

She made my son BEG her to go, and then she canceled anyway. 

Like always. 

And my son is upset because he really wanted to go.  But he'll get over it, but what he won't get over is realizing that you just don't ask grandma to go out, ever.  And if she invites us?  Let us say NO.  I HATE going out with her anyways, because she picks on fat people, black people, Muslims or anyone who looks different than her (though she's not a small lady, so why is she making fun of big people?).  She'll elbow you REALLY HARD and whisper (LOUDLY) "HEY!  HEY!  LOOK!!  CHECK THIS OUT!!"  *sigh* 

So in all reality, she did my son a favor by cancelling.  At least he won't have to tell her to shut up when she acts like a fool.  Because she will.  She always does....