Growing up, my youngest son had horrible nosebleeds.  They would be awful and hard to stop.  We'd shove tons of tissues up there, we'd put ice on it, we did everything and it just got worse.  Once, we had to go to the ER, though it had stopped by the time we got there.  But luckily we went.  Because that ER doc told us the right way to stop a nosebleed.  I had no idea!  I had never known the right way, because there are the old "tried and true" ways, which were ice and tissues and leaning your head back, and whatnot.  But none of those things actually stop a nosebleed.

You have to take the indentation above your nostrils and plug your nose for 10 minutes.  That's it.  No tilting your head back.  No ice.  No tissues shoved into your nose (that will actually dry to the vein and then rip it back open when you pull it out).  Just plug, and wait.

But even though that stopped the nosebleeds, they always came back.  Nothing ever actually stopped them from happening in the first place.

A few months ago (my son is now 15), my son's anxiety about his nosebleeds was out of control.  He just could not handle it anymore.  He wanted them to STOP and never come back.

So, we went to the ENT and said "We need it cauterized, NOW."  He said "Sure, it will won't even take five minutes."  And within those five minutes, it was done. And should stay that way forever.  It could possibly come back, but it would just need another quick cauterization.  No biggie.

My son cried when he realized it was finally, for the first time in 15 years, completely done with!  He was rid of those horrible nosebleeds!  No more waking up to blood on his face.  No more freaking out that they won't stop.  Because sometimes that 10 minutes of plugging his nose turned into 20.  And once, it turned into 30, and his fingers felt so numb from squeezing his nose shut he was crying his eyes out wondering if it would ever stop.  Then after each nosebleed, he would have crippling anxiety for days, thinking it would come back (and a lot of times it did).  He would refuse to even move his upper lip for fear of breaking that vein back open.  He was paralyzed with fear.  But no doctor even suggested this procedure until my son looked up on Google how to permanently stop them.   


At first, after the cauterization, my son was relieved.  He felt like he was walking on air!  Then he became scared again.  Wondering "Will it come back?  Will this even work?"  But now it's been around 5 months and he hasn't had one nosebleed.  And now?  His relief has turned into a state of acceptance that this was the way his life was always meant to be.  He can be free and not even think about them anymore.  One day, he'll look back at those first 15 years of his life and say "Well, yeah, back when I was a kid I used to get nosebleeds all the time.  But it feels like a lifetime ago.  I don't even think about it anymore."  

That's our goal, isn't it?  To make our lives so much better than the bad times feel like a distant memory, like a lifetime ago.   To cauterize the problem at the source.  That's what no contact is.  At first, we feel great!  Then we get scared again..."Will this even take?  What if I go back?  What if she bothers me again?  What then?"  But, just like my son's nosebleeds, another quick cauterization will take care of it.  And in the cases of our mothers, we may have to perform our procedure (going no contact) again and again, until it takes, but eventually, it will take.

And eventually, our lives will become a state of acceptance that this is how our lives were meant to feel from the start. 

Imagine what that will feel like?  Imagine how happy you will be.  Sure, it's scary at first.  Change is always scary, usually because we're afraid we will fall back into the some old habits as before.  But, if you push yourself to build new habits while you are in this state of transition, and do something to change your daily life, that will help you stay on track.   When I first went NC with my mom back in 2013, my life had to change drastically, as I was with my mother every single day.  I had to find new things to do, to keep myself busy.  And I found I was not the person who I was when she was around.  I was someone completely different.  I was happier, a billion times less anxious, and could pursue my dreams without fear of judgement.

I did end up having to go back to her in order to help my family out of the financial hole we were in, but in the past four years, I've learned so much more about narcissism and how to deal with it that this time going NC is completely different.  I know what to expect and can't be tricked into giving her any more narcissistic supply.

Going no contact with your narcissistic mother (or anyone) is same thing as cauterizing a nasty vein that keeps opening up and giving you trouble.  Cutting it off at the source is the ONLY way to get it to completely stop.  You can't just keep plugging your nose and hoping she'll just go away.  Sure, that may help in the moment, but she'll always do something bad to you again.  That is a guarantee.

"What will everyone say?" you may ask.  Who cares?  Let them say what they want.  If anyone tells you "Oh c'mon, your mother loves you, she's sorry, just give her another chance!" you should reply with:

"I am here to talk to you about your life, I am not talking to you to talk about my mother.  If you can't respect that, then we can't talk anymore."

You WILL lose other people in your life over this.  That's almost guaranteed.  And some people may be your most favorite people in the world that you'd never expect to walk away from you.  Just know, that it's okay.  Let them go.  They were never really there for you to begin with (even if they pretended to be).  Their love is obviously conditional, just like your mother's.  It's a hard pill to swallow, but conditional love isn't real love at all.  It's "how I feel in the moment" love.  And if you aren't complying to what that person expects from you (without you even realizing they are expecting something from you), then it goes away.

Real love lasts, even through the bad times.  Real love is supportive, even if they don't agree with you.  Real love just grows and changes with you, it doesn't stop just because you grow and change.  Real love isn't jealous, it doesn't seek to control you, it doesn't wish to see you fail just so they can feel better about themselves.  Real love raises you up so you can walk on mountains (thank you Josh Groban for explaining this so well 😏) and gives you wings so you can fly away to your destiny.  Because real love allows you to be better than it, in fact, it wants you to be better than it.

Keep those things in mind when you are dealing with those who would put you right back into your mother's flow of destructive behavior.  Tell them your mother is like a persistent nosebleed.  Nosebleeds aren't good for anyone and the only way to get them to completely stop wreaking havoc on your life is to cauterize them at the source.  And going no contact is the only way to do that.  They don't have to agree with you in order to accept your choice.  Tell them that only people that can accept your choice are allowed in your life.  Simple as that.

And once you do go no contact?  Go out and find yourself.

Find out who you are without her.  

Because I assure you, it's so much better than you could ever imagine 💙