So I kept thinking last night and realized that even though mother doesn't have a printer, she could still share my email to her in many ways.  And not only that, we all know that when we get something bad sent to us, we'll read it a million times.  My email was pretty hurtful (though well deserved) and I decided I didn't want either to happen.  So I accessed her email and deleted it.  I did see she already read it, and I still have a copy of it in my own email box, should I need to resend it for any reason.

Here I am, thinking I may have hurt her feelings badly (again, well deserved) and she probably just rolled her eyes at it and assumed I was being over-dramatic.  You never know with her and frankly, I don't care.  The other issue still stands: she'll use it against me.  So now it's gone, she didn't send it to anyone else, so she has NO access to it at all (unless she figured out how to copy and paste it to a file---not something she knows how to do).  And if she brought someone else over to do it for her, well, now it's gone.  She read it.  She knows how I feel.  And we can be done with it.

And btw, mother is driving around places with all her friends, because  my warnings of her bad driving weren't believable enough and apparently mother is "driving fine".  So my kids and I thought yesterday....what if she's gaslighting me?  What is she's driving badly only when I am in the car?  On purpose???  Just to cause a huge issue like this?  That would be diabolical, but then again, we're talking about someone with narcissistic personality disorder.  So I can't put it past her.

Well, now she has her freedom back.  We'll see how long that lasts.  And then she'll cry to me for help, and if I don't give it to her, I'll be the bad guy.  Oh well.  She can go ask BM for help, since she told her "If something happens to you, who will take care of me?" right in front of me (twice), with their sick little dysfunctional relationship with BM calling her "Ma" all the time (which happened again yesterday).  Weirdos.  They both deserve each other as BM is the biggest user I've ever known in my life (for real, she uses everyone for rides, for money, etc.) and mother wants a little suck up around her at all times.  BAM!  She can suck up to mother and then use her for whatever she'll give her.  Perfect relationship!

I swear, I am so glad to be out of that situation, but it's only day three, and I don't feel like it's real yet.  But I'll get there.  Last night, I was confused.  I didn't know what to expect.  I didn't know why she was ignoring me.  I didn't understand.  But now I know exactly what's going on and it's my choice.  This feels so much better.  I just need to find my groove...figure out who I am when I am not worrying about my mother's behavior (which was pretty much constantly).    It feels like when I left my first husband (the narcissist) and while it felt great, it also felt stressful.  Just getting used to who I am without abusive people in my life...when that's all you've ever known?  It's really strange.

Any of you out there going no contact, just know, this feeling of limbo goes away.  It does get better.  You just have to wait.  And one day you'll know what it's like to be a survivor or narcissistic abuse, rather than being a victim of narcissistic abuse.  💗  You'll go through some of the stages of grief, just like with any relationship (though only to a point).  Right now, I am just still really angry.  But it will pass.  Someone just put mail in my mailbox, I need to go check.  Bye for now :)