Today she sends an email to me and my husband, explaining things?  I guess that's what it was supposed to be.  I don't know.  She tells me in the first part that "You don't give a fuck about me" but later acts like everything is hunky-dory (what does that even literally mean?) and that we're all good.  *sigh*

 So, I responded.  And it was quite mean.  And sweary.  And I didn't really go into much about what's been going on lately (other than calling her a psycho for pounding on my house and screaming my name through my windows) and just told her that she is a horrible mother and she lies all the time.  And I called her a narcissist throughout the email.  I wanted to pound that fact in really good.

But of course she did her typical thing where she left my letter in the middle of her table so all her friends could read it (the one I posted yesterday with her keys).

But if she still thinks there is anything left between us after what I wrote to her in my email?  Then really is more stupid than I had ever imagined.  Because I pulled no punches.  For once in my life: I got to tell my mom EXACTLY what I think.  I've lived for the past four years (since this blog started in 2013) in HELL because I had to put up with her, with me knowing what she IS.  Before that, I only lived in hell when she was mean.  When she was nice, I ate it up like candy.  But since finding out about narcissism, I've had to sit with knowing she doesn't love me, knowing she won't get better, knowing that every word she says is a lie....it's torture when you have to pretend to like someone.

I cared about her...sure, but as a fellow human, not as my mother.  So I took care of her: brought her to her doctor's appointments, did what needed to be done at all times for her.  But I dreaded every single moment I had to spend with her....hating her for her lies, hating her for her denial of my abuse, hating her for not giving two shits that I was raped (she ignored me when I told her about it).

FREEDOM.  That's what I want to feel, and I know I will.  But it's still so fresh, I feel angry, sick, and hurt. 

I need to move, get away from this neighborhood where everyone knows us and they are all her flying monkeys.  We need a place of our own, with neighbors that don't know her or us.  We need our own life.  I feel we can't have that here.  But for now, we'll just deal and see what we can do to protect ourselves (privacy fencing anyone?).  I did threaten the police on her if she comes into my yard one more time (she actually tried to get into my house yesterday).  But who knows if she'll obey?  Restraining order anyone?  I hope it doesn't come to that, I just want to be left alone.  And I am afraid I will lose my mutual friend over this, knowing she's an (unintentional) flying monkey for my mom.

*sigh*  Day two.  Gonna eat some pizza and play Catan Histories, hopefully watch some good movies or TV and just relax 💕