Haha this blog is my safe place.  Even though I have come forward with my real identity and put myself out there for all to see, here, I don' get judged for how I feel or what I am going through.  I feel as though every single group I either run or join on FB, there's always at least one grumpus who spoils it.  ALWAYS.  It's like a never ending issue.  I've dealt with that enough in real life that I don't trust sharing my life with anyone anymore.

In real life, I have a very hard time with having friends.  From childhood to teenage years until my 30's, I never had issues keeping friends.  I had the same friends for years, a few for almost 20 or more.  But since learning about narcissism, I've gotten to the point where I've learned to not let destructive people into my life anymore.  And that meant getting rid of 90% of my old friends.  It's really hard when you learn about narcissism to ignore toxic people in your life.  So, thus, I am pretty much friendless.

I have one friend, but she's my mom's friend, too.  I wrote blog on about her on the "unaware flying monkey".  So if you've read that, you'd understand how hard it is to keep a friendship going with someone like that.  Though I adore this woman, she's extremely hurtful.

So my question is: how do you keep a friend who unintentionally hurts you?  She knows not what she says, but how can you tolerate it?  If I am up front with her, this will cause her to go into a spin of anxiety and freaking out that she did something wrong.  And it won't fix the problem, because it keeps happening in different ways. 

One thing she keeps saying is how she's going to joke around and tell BM who keeps asking her for a shirt that my friend owns that "Jalynn lost a bunch of weight and I gave it to her instead!"  She keeps adding this in over and over again that "Jalynn went on a diet and now she can wear my shirt!".  I know she doesn't get it's mean to say that, but fuuuuuuuck.  There is NO reason to say that, as we all know I am fucking fat and DUH I can't fit into her shirt, but neither could BM, so that was the joke.  That I wasn't asking her for the shirt, so therefore, I was going to get it.  (BM is a total user and asks to have everything she sees that you have, even if you're wearing it!)

Today I told her I found these cool friendship necklaces for adults that say "Bonnie and Clyde" on them I was in the middle of saying happily "I was going to buy them for us!" and she interrupted me before I even got far and said "Too bad they don't say Kathy and Clyde!"   Kathy is my mother.  And Clyde is the name of the friend I was talking to.  Which  bothered me because I really was working out how I was going to buy those necklaces for us, because a) I thought they were cute and b) we seem to be really good friends and she thinks my mom is a liar and a game player.  

But in that moment, accompanied by the fact that she threw my mom a birthday party and didn't even call me on my birthday or get me a card (my mother's birthday and my birthday are one week apart), it really cemented in my brain that she's really my mom's friend, not mine.  Despite knowing my mom plays game with her and lies to her daily.  Which confuses the shit out of me.  Why does being a good friend mean I get no respect?

Does aspergers give you a pass on being nice and thoughtful?  Not really, as I have it and I don't think anyone would ever think "Oh, Jalynn is an aspie, she doesn't mean to be a jerk!"  No, I am sure every single time I've been a jerk, I've been called out on it or treated accordingly as if I were normal.  And I know I deserve it.

How far can someone make exceptions for a person just because "they can't help it"?  I could correct her all day long on things she says (she's insulted me plenty of times before) and it just won't stop.

I just don't want to lose my only friend.  I already feel alone enough as it is.  But she kind of makes me feel like shit about myself regularly (and more often lately), so it's not mentally healthy for me to keep talking to her.  I just need to take a break I guess. 

I was going to make a video today for my youtube channel, I even got all ready, but I feel like such shit because of all this, I can't do anything but want to curl up and go to sleep.  I just want today to be over.  I even had something amazing happen today and now I can't even enjoy it.  But that's on me, not her.  I am not blaming anyone for my mental state...only myself.  I think everything bothers me more right now than usual, due to the ick feelings about my mother, among other issues I am having with people in my life.  But I don't need my life added to with insults from my so-called friend.

Ugggh.  I wish people could just be nice.  😩