Different Levels of No Contact
0 Comments
We hear the term "no contact" and it ultimately means the literal meaning of no....contact. But, does that mean you aren't no contact if you aren't 100% staying away from your narcissistic parent? Technically yes, but did you know there are different levels of no contact?
Recently, I was shamed about my choice to send my mother an anniversary card for our 11 year anniversary (which fell smack dab between her birthday, mother's day, and my birthday) of her slapping me in the face with my kids there and her calling me a pervert because I chose to sleep next to them. I was in shock at the arrogance of the woman who thought she knew better than me how to live my life. I was hurt, because that was my choice for my life, so what was it to her what I chose to do? I was also in shock at her elitist attitude towards anyone who's no contact with their parents.
I call these types subject purists. There are subject purists of every single subject out there: homeschooling, vegetarianism, parenting, gaming, sports, religion, photography, art, music, fandoms, books, movies, etc. etc. If you go into ANY group for ANY subject, you will find a subject purist.
Recently, I was shamed about my choice to send my mother an anniversary card for our 11 year anniversary (which fell smack dab between her birthday, mother's day, and my birthday) of her slapping me in the face with my kids there and her calling me a pervert because I chose to sleep next to them. I was in shock at the arrogance of the woman who thought she knew better than me how to live my life. I was hurt, because that was my choice for my life, so what was it to her what I chose to do? I was also in shock at her elitist attitude towards anyone who's no contact with their parents.
I call these types subject purists. There are subject purists of every single subject out there: homeschooling, vegetarianism, parenting, gaming, sports, religion, photography, art, music, fandoms, books, movies, etc. etc. If you go into ANY group for ANY subject, you will find a subject purist.
subject purist (noun):Subject purists can be juvenile, and possibly narcissists themselves, or at the least, they are adopting a narcissistic attitude. They have hard time seeing outside of their own situation and think that their way is the "only way". When in reality, anyone can be anything, as long as they are following the basic rules of what they are trying to be (e.g. in order to be called a "gamer", you must play video games; in order to go "no contact", your main state of being is to not engage your narcissist in contact, etc.) That doesn't mean you have to be exactly 100% following the rules in order to be considered whatever term you're identifying with.
1. a person who thinks you should follow the subject matter of a title to the "t" in order to be considered to use said title (e.g. in order to be considered a gamer, you must play certain games)
2. a person who claims they know everything about a given subject, even if they are wrong (e.g. a person gives you a lecture on how to be a proper homeschooler, when you've already been homeschooling for many years)
Here are the different levels of going no contact:
- 1-Beginning Level: Another name for this level is the "Shedding" stage.This level starts from the time you go NC. It can last days, weeks, months, or even up to a year (and some people skip this level all together due to their circumstances). There is no shame in this level, though others will try to shame you. You are shedding your prison of abuse, and this level is the hardest level to not only stay committed, but to feel like you're doing things right. You will have horrible feelings: sometimes of guilt, grief, remorse, and feeling like you're doing something inherently wrong. You will feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster: one moment you will hate her, the next moment you'll wonder if she can change.
This is also the level where you'll want to lash out to your mother. You will want to demand answers. You will want to make her understand how much you hurt. And there's nothing wrong with any of these things. There are some things you need to understand first: if you lash out: your mother will use it against you. If you try to demand answers: she will use it against you. If you want to make her understand how much you hurt: she will use it against you. You have to understand this first, because if you don't, you will be 100% broken down when she shows you this side of her. And I don't want you to brake down. I want you to be strong and not care if she uses it against you. I want you to feel strong and ignore it. If you need closure? Then get it. But know the only closure you will get will come from YOU, not her. It will come from the satisfaction you have said your peace. It will come from you not needing a response from her (because if you get one, it will only be fake, condescending, and hurtful).
But in order to get to this point? You need to build your education about narcissism first. You need to read everything you can, and join support groups and learn to deal with your loss before you can actually get any closure. So my suggestion during this time is to rent every book you can from the library. Buy some more books. Read articles online. Watch youtube channels on maternal narcissism. Join support groups. Just immerse yourself in it. Learn everything you can. This will make you feel stronger and better than you trying to figure this out alone, without any help. - 2-Intermediate Level: This is also called the "Acceptance" stage. This level means you've moved beyond the need for answers. You've accepted the fact that your mother doesn't love you (nor can she love anyone, not even herself). You've stopped wanting answers to your questions from her (now you can seek the answers in books and on maternal narcissism websites). You seek healing rather than revenge. Your triggers are coming up less and less.
- 3-Expert Level: This is also known as the "Autopilot" stage. You've dealt with this for years and your triggers are minimal. You are comfortable. You are happy. You are safe. You don't have to think about much in this stage.
- 4-Sustaining Level: After being on autopilot for so many years, you may forget a little about why you left in the first place. Your abuse is in the past, and has been for some time, but now? You're not feeling as bad anymore. You may want to see if you can reach out and see if anything has changed. I will assure you, it hasn't. Unless your parent has a sort of dementia, but even then, YOU will start to feel those old feelings come back up. If you break your no contact now, you may end up at the beginning level again. Which is okay. Because every path is different. If you need closure to remind yourself of why you left, then by all means, get it. I am not the type of person who thinks that someone is doing something wrong by carving their own path in life, even if that path sometimes backtracks to the beginning. We all need different things in life, different ways to heal and deal with our trauma. There should be no judgment from your support persons in this. But if you make this mistake continuously, you should really figure out why you want to torture yourself. I suggest finding a therapist and checking out