Unlike my mother, I have a soul.  And because of this, I am having a huge issue right now:

Guilt.

On my journey with my mother's narcissism, that's one thing I've never really felt much before.  I always feel justified in any action I take, pretty much no matter what.  I will say that I am very used to making big decisions based upon big events.  And usually I don't even stick to those big decisions.  When I make small decisions, they are done gradually and much easier than going cold turkey, as I have done now with no contact.

And another thing I realized, when I went NC with my mom four years ago, she started it, not me. She decided to not talk to me for however long, I just continued it.  So it was easy.  And, not to mention, she did something horribly, horribly wrong, which made it even easier to be angry at her.

But this time?  I feel strange.  I feel guilty.  This time it was all my choice, and it wasn't over anything huge, and certainly nothing I feel justified in not speaking to her anymore for.

But then I remember: it's not just about her knocking on my windows and screaming my name like a crazy person, it's about every other little and big thing my family has endured throughout this past four years to get me to this point.  And when I went NC, it was because I could not fathom even one more second of having to deal with her bullshit.  I made a promise to myself, if she got to drive again, I would be done with her.  Because the only way our relationship even remotely worked was when she had no control over us.  But that wasn't working either.

I had tried to get every single one of her doctors to listen to me about her mental state, to take her driver's license away from her.  But not one would.  And to find out the only person who can report bad driving to the DMV in my state are police officers who witness her bad driving.  So we were fucked.  Getting an elderly person's license taken away is SO hard, which NEEDS TO CHANGE in this country (or my state, not sure how hard it is anywhere else).  "You're taking away their freedom..."  Do you realize how many people's "freedoms" are taken away each and every day due to having an illness that prevents them from driving and they are WAY younger?  Get over it, elderly people.  Old age happens and if you aren't fit to drive?  Then find another way to get transportation, like the rest of us do.  I couldn't drive for four years, plus I still don't drive without a licensed driver to take over for me when I can't anymore.  I adapted.  I took what I had to do and made the best of it.  And I am not even 40 yet.  And I am a very independent person, too.  And yet I don't complain about it.  I accept what my reality is. 

So, I had to listen to her make plans about how she was going to "get into my house to get the keys" or how I was stealing her car away from her, and blah blah blah.  Or I'd have to dealing with her calling every single day, even on the weekends, about how she wanted to go somewhere.  I kept telling her "Pick a few days and we'll go to all the places those days, you can't take over my life by asking me every single day."  Or she'd tell a friend to go with, and make me late on purpose for an appointment by telling whatever friend "Oh, go ahead and just browse, we aren't on any schedule" and I'd have to pipe in "Yes we are!  I have an appointment!"  It was constant, she'd always try to think of new ways to drive me utterly insane.  Or she'd call screaming at me that we haven't left yet, when we never had a time planned to go.  My stress levels were through the roof.

Then the depression set in last winter.  I saw no way of getting away from her.  I saw no way out.  So I gained like 30 or 40 more pounds (more than just last winter--I think the depression started way before).  Didn't want to cook (and I LOVE cooking).  I lost interest in everything.  I stopped taking showers as much.  I stopped even putting on clothes and would stay in my PJ's most days.  My anxiety was reaching all new highs.  My BP went up, when I have never had high BP my entire life (I blame it on the weight gain...I didn't start getting high BP until I started gaining weight).  My health (and mental health) just could not take her anymore.

And when I start feeling guilty, I need to remember this.  That previous paragraph?  Is enough to stop talking to her.  But then you add in all this:

• What she recently said to Lisa (BM)
•  How she cared less if we were hurt in a car accident
• Her growing racism and constant arguing
• How she goes behind my back and tries to start shit
• How she tries to control where my family goes and who my family sees
• How she tried to control my life by NEVER wanting to babysit her grandchildren (and I hardly ever asked her to anyways, but she'd always say no or make a huge deal out of it)
• Her constant fluctuations of mood of "Oh em gee! You're the best thing ever!!" and then "I hate you more than garbage!"
• How she plays favorites with my kids (and with me and my husband).
•  All the rude things she said to me back when I was first on my own as an adult.
• When she was being an asshole about my kids not seeing their bio-dad.

Oh god, this list could go on forever.  But you get the picture.  And so do I.  There is no guilt to be had.  I need to remember that I don't need a huge BANG to exit her life with.  Just a billion little things that add up to something greater than any big thing she could ever do.

And no, my guilt was never driving me to go back to her...when I left my ex, it was the same thing.  I didn't leave over a huge fight and felt justified.  I left over nothing....just a huge billion things that added up to something huge.  And I felt guilt then, too.  But eventually, I got over that guilt, and began to realize it was the best choice I ever made.  This will be, too.  For my entire family.

*sigh*  I just wish I could be more happy about it.  Dancing in the streets happy.  But I am just not there yet.  I will be though.  Eventually.  💖