30 days ago I stopped speaking to my mother.  I can't believe it's been 30 days already.  You'd think I'd feel better by now.  Last time I was ecstatic for not having to be around her.  This time?  I feel numb.  I am starting to, little by little, realize I am not in a prison anymore.  That I have access to ALL the time in my life, rather than have it be controlled by her.  She was controlling me even when I wasn't having to see her, as I never knew if she was going to call and demand something of me again.  "Comply or be punished!" is the narcissist's motto.  Had she just been a normal person, I would actually enjoy doing things for her and being around her.  But she's not.  So I don't.  It became torturous and hellish having to have her in my life anymore. 


Going no contact literally means to stop all forms of abuse.  That's why you do it.  It's not like you think your mother can change yet you don't want to have a relationship with her.  No, it's the fact that she's in capable of not abusing you, so you have to stop all contact.  It's different than other forms of abuse where the abuser can admit to what they did and get help and change.  Our mothers cannot admit to what they do, so how can they get help?  They can't and they won't, and if they pretend to?  They will lie to their therapist.  So they still aren't really getting help.

I thought I'd feel better by now.  I escaped another form of abuse and I have learned to enjoy my seriously wonderful days abuse free.  I am grateful, thankful, and very aware of the fact that it no longer exists.  I can recognize where my triggers once were, that are no longer there anymore.  I can feel the freedom of not having to worry that it will happen again.  I am even to the point where something should trigger me, but I know it's not happening anymore, so I don't feel triggered in the least.  It feels wonderful.  There were a few setbacks, but that didn't mean I wasn't on my way to still healing.  I dealt with the setbacks and moved forward, and I am feeling great about it again.  There are a few complications that I need to get through but there always will be, when dealing with abuse and healing, but I'll get through them and keep on moving forward.  I thought to myself today "Why can I feel so much better about this and not about my mother?"  I realized: this didn't happen overnight.  I think it may have taken me a full year, possibly nine months or so, to get to feeling how I feel today.  Healing from any form doesn't happen overnight.

Though, four years ago, when I first went NC with my mom, I felt it immediately.  But, the circumstances were different:

1. I had just learned about NPD.  So this relief was amazing!  I could finally put answers to questions I had had all my life.  The relief wasn't just about not talking to her, it was about her and her mental illness.  So that probably added immensely to my relief.
2. I was in the thick of it all.  The abuse was hardcore back then.  Mother had no reason to depend on me so she treated me badly much more often.  A month ago, she depended on me, so she was more careful with how far she took things.
3. It felt more like a rebellion against oppressors rather than a bowing out.  While, this time, I used a catalyst to walk away from her with, the catalyst was tiny in comparison to last time.  It was a stupid stunt, rather than a real reason.  So this time, I bowed out.  Last time, it felt like an explosion of energy.  So the feeling of relief was immense and immediate.  Like a painful infection coming to the surface to break free.  Gross, but an accurate description LOL  This time, it was a milder wound that wouldn't heal for four years, and you've just gotten so used it, that when it isn't there anymore, it doesn't feel hugely different. 
4. Last time I was in shock with what had happened.  This time?  Nothing shocks me anymore.  I hear about stupid shit she says, like how she's going to let my narcissistic cousin take over her will and power of attorney, and I kind of don't give two shits.  Let her.  Then I don't have to do anything for her again, ever.  My mom thinks that's a punishment, which makes me laugh.....doesn't she realize she's doing me a favor?  She's letting me off the hook completely.  Little does she know, that's exactly what I want.

Last time was a BOOM!  This time is a "meh".  I am dealing more with the addictive qualities of our relationship, the withdrawal, rather than the energy of all of that above.  My old therapist said that if we grow up in chaos, we become addicted to chaos.  I am trying to deal with that end of things right now.  And it just feels....numb.  Uneventful.  Boring.  Annoying.  Everything has died down, and now it's bland.  This is the part that becomes hard for most people going NC.  The part where you are used to chaos and it's no longer there.  You kind of crave it.  I knew this was true when our mutual friend's conversations about my mother and the things she's saying and has done, actually lit me up.  It fed some need inside of me for the chaos my mom put out.  I knew then I was the one with the problem right now and I am the one who has to put an end to it.  It doesn't feel good.  But we have to get our brains to not thrive on that chaos anymore.  And when we can do that, this feeling of bland numbness will end.  We'll get used to a new normal.  And it will feel good again.

Right now I feel as though a piece of me is missing.  And I know it's not her.  It's her chaos.  It's someone to feel justifiably angry at.  That's what's missing.  That, and the knowledge that she will never change, and always be the same, so no matter what, as long as she's in my life, there will be abuse.  I keep feeling that we moved across the country away from her, when I imagine that life, I feel empty.  I think it's the finality of it all.  Right now, I am still in the chaos a bit, as I live a block away from her and have to deal with her flying monkey neighbors.  So we moved away, I'd have nothing left to worry about.  How can a human brain be addicted to worry?  How can we become so addicted to things that hurt us?  Why do these things make us feel good deep down inside?  I don't like that.  I don't like knowing that's just one thing I will eventually have to heal inside of me.  I feel like there's already enough.  But hey, it's healable.  That's what matters, right?

30 days of no contact.  And I am ready to stop being addicted to the chaos.  And I know it may take months to feel actually free and to enjoy it, I just wish it could happen a little faster 😉