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The term "flying monkey" comes from The Wizard of Oz, where the Wicked Witch of the West sends out her flying monkeys to do her bidding.  The narcissist in your life will have their own flying monkeys to do their bidding.  These can be family members, coworkers, friends, neighbors, or even your siblings.

There are three types of flying monkeys:

1. Overt
2. Covert
3. Unaware

We've all dealt with the first two, but until last night, I had no idea the third type even existed.

The Overt Flying Monkey

These types are the ones that are clearly doing our mother's bidding and they don't give a flying rat's ass who knows.  They are clearly on our mother's sides and will do their spying by asking you questions outright, telling you you're wrong and that your mother is clearly the victim, or they just ignore you completely.  They are most insidious type of FM because they will actually spy on you.  Not all of them, and sometimes they don't spy on purpose, but if they run into you somewhere, be sure that your mother will get a report on your whereabouts, what you were wearing, who you were with, and what you were doing.  

These guys, because of their over behavior, are the easiest to spot.  And to me, they are the most honest out of all of them.  At least you know their agenda, because they don't hide it.  Usually these types are also narcissists, but not always.  Although, remember: just because someone is an overt FM doesn't mean if they are a narc, they'd automatically be an overt narc, too.  They can easily be covert ones.  The amount of which they defend a fellow narc does not imply anything at all about their narcissism (if they even have it....a lot of them are usually just very codependent).

The Covert Flying Monkey

These are the insidious types.  These are the ones who will pretend to be your friend and then go behind your back and tell on you.  These are usually family members, siblings, or friends.  They are the ones who knowingly trick you into trusting them and then stab you in the back.  My guess is that they are either a) severely codependent and need validation from the narcissist or b) are very narcissistic themselves, and playing games with you gives them their narcissistic supply.  Or both.

These are the least honest out of all of them, as they are choosing to treat you in this way.  If this is happening to you?  Going 100% no contact is the only way to deal with these types, because no matter what they say, or how much they apologize, you can't ever actually trust them.  Because even if they do defect to your side, there will be a point when the narc will give them a chance to come back into their good graces if they give up info about you, and most of them will take it.  I don't think they can help it, as the need for validation from the narcissist is so strong that it's almost automatic for them.  So rather than let yourself be taken advantage of, just let them go.  Keep them at arm's length or go 100% no contact with them.

The Unaware Flying Monkey

Some might even argue that these don't even exist, saying that they are just good at playing dumb, but I have proof they do.  Although, I wouldn't didn't even realize it until last night.

The mutual friend I've been talking about, she's 70.  She has really bad ADHD and OCD.  And these two combined makes her accidentally blurt out information that she's not supposed to and then worry she did something horribly wrong.  And she doesn't see things the way others do, either.  She sees people's lives as something to discuss, which in the real world means gossip, but she doesn't understand that's what it is.

Like, I tell her all about my son's new job (his first full time job), so this is fair game for her to discuss with everyone else and their brother, along with my mother.  Normally this would not be a big deal, but I don't want my mother knowing anything about my life at all, but with with this woman's severe ADHD, she's utterly compulsive and tells her anyways.  She will come back and immediately apologize to me, saying she didn't meant to, but it slipped out.  Then with this woman's severe OCD, she will ruminate that I am angry with her, over and over and over, knowing she did something wrong.  Like, the first time I saw this happen, we were at our anxiety support group and I told everyone that my mother called my antidepressants my "crazy pills" because she's a fucking asshole who makes fun of people with mental health issues (yet, now my mother is on THREE of them), and my friend went back to my mom over coffee and laughed about how my mom called them my "crazy pills".


I didn't go back to anxiety group for a few months after that.  I mean, I always knew how my friend's brain worked, so it should have dawned on me before, but last night when she was politely telling me about how she told my mom about my son's new job, like it was just normal conversation and no big deal, I realized that she was an unaware flying monkey.  And no matter how much I tell her to not share my information, she eventually will.  Always. 

YET, she has private info she asks everyone not to share about her, and expects us not to.  OR she chooses not to share information she should share for someone's safety (like my mother going behind my back to get her license, which my mother told her not to tell me about). 

So, what do you do with an unaware flying monkey?  With someone who's intentions aren't malicious in the least, yet will always share your information with everyone?


You have two options:

1. Super Low-Contact
2. No Contact
3. VCCC: very carefully constructed contact

1) means to hardly ever contact them or to hardly ever answer the phone when they call.  If they ask why, you can tell them you are just super busy.  I am teaching myself to get better at being honest with how I feel about things, but these people usually are SUPER sensitive, and if you tell them the truth, you will hurt them.  So a the little white lie is to protect their feelings.  You can wean them slowly from your friendship or just go LC right away.  It just depends on your already existing relationship and who they are and how they work.

2) means to basically stop being friends with them.  You have every right to be angry, they are sharing your information without permission.  But just know, that if they are like my friend, they aren't malicious or doing it on purpose.  Compulsivity is a bitch, esp. when you have ADHD and aspergers.  And even if you aren't angry, and just know that being friends with them means you have to be so careful with your words that it's not worth it, then going NC is the way to go.  And how you do this is up to you.  But I suggest being nice about it. 

3) this means that you literally have to watch every single word you say to them.  You have to pay attention to not slip up and say something you don't want repeated.  This is pretty stressful and you have to ask yourself if this is even worth it.  Even if you go LC with them, you should still do this part anyways, but ask yourself, do you want a full relationship with someone whom you have to carefully construct your conversations with?  Believe me, it feels like a manipulation...I had to live for the past 4 years with my mother at very low contact with VCCC.  And I always slipped up.  Conversations with her were stressful, to say the least.  That's why I never answered the phone when she called me.  I'd see her number, let it go to voicemail, and then call her back later when (and if) I felt like it.  Going VCCC is stressful, time consuming, and messes with your whole day, leaving you wondering "Did I just share something I will regret later?"  Even if you know you didn't.  So, I'd never, ever suggest doing this full-time.  Ever. 

So, I am choosing to go very low contact with my friend, and only talk to her when I have to, and I will plan out a head of time what I will leave off-limits, and what is okay to share.

• Subjects okay to talk about: her dog, her husband, her health (she had cancer in the past), our old anxiety group, and possibly getting together to watch some movies together or to go garage sale-ing together (once in a great while, as keeping to only these subject will be hard in person).  
• Subjects that are off-limits: my mother (she's been sharing lately all sorts of info about my mom that I don't want to know or talk about--which I will make clear to hear that I don't want to talk about my mom--if she can't respect that, I will go no-contact with her), my life, my hubby's life, my kids' lives, or anything about our plans.  If she brings these up, I will answer quickly and then move onto an appropriate subject above. 

But I am going to stop answering her calls as much as I used to.  Unless I can get her to stop talking about my mother completely, but even then, I will make sure we are more low-contact than normal.  Like I said, going VCCC is stressful and complicated.



So yeah, my mom is manipulating this woman to get info out of her, because she knows she can.  And she's playing on her heartstrings "Oh, I need to up my antidepressants because my daughter won't talk to me!" and acting like she's missing my kids (when she didn't miss them when she had access to them and never wanted to see them).  And this woman is calling me and telling me about how much my mom misses us...it's only been two weeks.  YET she knows and believes my mom is a narcissist, but gets sucked into her pity parties and victim-playing game.  *sigh* 

I love this woman, but I have to protect myself and my family, so I have remove myself from the situation for the most part.  Let her listen to my mom and play her game, and leave me out of it.  Because I am for real this time.  When I left my ex, I was done.  There was nothing he could say or do to bring me back.  Period.  This is how I feel with my mom.  For my own sanity, and my family's sanity, this is it.  And if my friend can't respect that, she can't be my friend.  It's as simple as that, no matter what her intentions are.



(UPDATE: on the last blog, I wrote about her getting a dog...it was just game, she's not.  But I don't care if she was or wasn't....I am learning to let go...)