Healing From Her: June 2017

For two days in a row, I've dealt with people who have been telling me that they believe that narcissism can be cured with "therapy, introspection, and healing".

......

Yes, you heard me right.

Just let that sink in for a moment. Though, I do realize that people don't really understand this disorder or how narcissists truly work (for if they did, they'd realize that those three things are the LAST things the world that a narc would be caught dead doing). But at the same time, if you're going to talk about something, I would rather people do some studying up first before they decide to even have a conversation about it. I get being ignorant. I've been ignorant on LOTS of things in my life and I've talked about them publicly without knowing one damn thing I was talking about. And, because of this, I believe that most people saw me as an idiot (and rightly so). While I do not believe ignorant people are idiots, I do feel they are being idiotic if they are going to argue with you, when they are so very, very wrong (and back in my day, on a myriad of subjects, I was that same fool).

So instead of freaking out on them and calling them names (as most wont to do in the internets), I will tell them politely that they are so very, very wrong. And that I can empathize with them, wanting the narcs in our lives to change for the better, but deep down, they just can't. Normal people can. But narcs? They ain't really normal....

If you are in this position, suggest some really great books on narcissism for them to read, so they can become more educated. If you fight with them, they may fight back. Instead, handle them with kid gloves, but right now? They are pretty vulnerable and want to hold onto their fantasies that one day, their narc will become a normal person like us, if they they'd only try hard enough gosh darnit!! And if they don't give up? Then politely bow out of the convo, because there is NO changing their mind until they want their mind to be changed.

Don't fight them. Leave them to their own devices and give them some tools to educate themselves, and let them be. We all came to the conclusion that our mothers are narcissists on our own. Then we found out the truth that narcs are incapable of love and that our mothers really don't love us, on our own. And now we are either no contact or on our way to no contact in the future, which we also came to on our own. They will, too. Eventually. We all have our own timetables for acceptance of this terrible disorder that has robbed us our mothers (and usually fathers, too). We have to let everyone around us also come to that same conclusion.

If the person is talking about YOUR mother? Then like literally walk away from them. They aren't healthy for your mental health or emotional wellbeing. Until people can understand that our mothers simply cannot love anyone or anything? We don't need to subject ourselves to explaining it to them a billion times.

You can't change everyone's minds on narcissism. But you can educate them as much as possible. Spread the word by blogging, reading books about narcissism in public, taking part on social media discussions about narcissism, and maybe even wearing a stylish anti-narcissistic abuse tshirt! 😜

In case you didn't know, we make tshirts to empower survivors of narcissistic abuse 😁 Here is our latest:

You can get yours by clicking here (and you can check out the other shirts we have available as well!!)

I really thought I could do this. I really thought that after our conversation the other day she "got it" and understood why I won't speak to my mother. *sigh* Turns out, I was so very, very wrong.

So, the other day she tells me that my mother asked if I was going to come down and fix her computer. I have no idea why my mother would think this, other than she's batshit crazy. But apparently, she did. My friend asked me to go do it. I said "No, I am not going to help her do anything at all. She can go have her computer fixed." So she goes back to my mother's house and she asked my friend if I was going to come down. My friend said "no". So my mother said "I guess she's mad at me." (????? I haven't spoken to her in two months...what a strange thing to say...). My friend replied "No, she's not mad at you, she just thinks your toxic and she can't be around you anymore."

I thought to myself, oh my goodness, she finally gets it!! Hooray! Then we talked about how my mother would never change and how she's a bad friend to her (our mutual friend). So I thought, phew! No more explaining!

I was so wrong. Because last night that same mutual friend calls me and says "I think she wants to make up." I said "Why?" "Because I feel that she does." I said "So? I don't want to have anything to do with her, you know that." "But what if she apologizes? What if she admits to everything?" Here we go again.

Last night was like starting over from day one. And today, I have to set her straight. Today, I have to do something I positively hate: confront her. I thought I could get by not saying anything, that she'd just forget about it, but apparently I that's not the case. And I have to basically tell her that it's none of her business. And I have to tell her to stop talking about me, my past, my present, my kids, my hubby, everyone in my household to my mother. And she has to stop talking about my mother to me. I have to tell her that I DO NOT CARE to know one damn thing about what's going on my mother's life. And I am freaked out about having to do this.

And I am also scared of still being her friend. I am scared she will secretly tell my mother everything I say.

*sigh* She's my only friend. I thought I could trust her. But again, I am seeing something that isn't there....she throws my mother a birthday party, yet doesn't even get me a card or call me on mine (we're a week a part, and she knew it was my 40th this year). She goes garage sale-ing with my mother, but never asks me. She goes out to eat with my mother, but never asks me. She goes shopping at stores with my mother, but never asks me. Actually, she only ever wants to see me when she needs something done. Which is exactly what my mother did.

I hate always feeling like the person good enough to use for help with something (like my old friend, the only other friend I've had in years--she'd call me to go do sneaky stuff, but then would drop me off at home to go out with her REAL friends) but never good enough to actually want something do with. And she only ever calls me to gossip about my mother. I use that time to try to make her see why I can't be around my mother anymore, but that's not a real friendship.

So, I have to walk away from my only friend. My last friend. Because she's stressing me out just as much as my mom was. I think that's why I've held onto her for so long. Even though she's doing damage to my life.

The flying monkey who didn't know she was one........now I realize she does know, on some level. She's making it her complete and total business to interfere with my mother and me. It's none of her business. Yet she's making it ALL her business. I can't do this anymore. And I can't trust her in the least to not share my life with my mother. I thought I made this decision before, to walk away from her, but I thought if she could just "get it", we'd be okay. I can clearly see now she can't "get it" and never will.

Uggghh.

I just so tired of narcissists, flying monkeys, and their agendas. So, very, very tired of it.

She doesn't get to use my name and my driving record to help her insurance rates. So forgive me if I get a little kick when I find out that her insurance rates almost doubled due to removing me 😜😝

Oops.

She already got a couple months out of it, but that was it. I refuse to her use me like that. So far she's not shown one iota of remorse (which DUH, she's a narcissist) so why should she get to use me as a way to save money?

Here is a little song that sums up my answer to that one:

Let's add in the fact that she's not only not showing remorse, but also badmouthing me, lying about me, making me out to be a liar, and being an all around horrible person about this whole thing. So no, I do not feel bad for a second for taking my name off her car insurance. I mean, what the hell? I am not driving her car ever again, so why am I even on there? She sure pulled my son off really fast when this all happened (which made her rates go up), so why not me? Oh yeah, because she thought she could use me to help her out.

HA! Nope! She's going to be pissed when she finds out they removed me, so I made sure to block her number on my new phone 😉

An extinction event is the narcissist's one last hoorah, the final blow they inflict on their victim when their victim humiliates them (usually from us walking away from them, but it can be for any reason).

In high school, I had a narc boyfriend who was physically abusive. And when I dumped him for good, he freaked out and punched me in the stomach in the middle of the lunchroom. And then he continued to stalk me for three days until I threatened to call the call the cops on him.

So the idea behind an extinction event with a narc is:

Go big, or go home.

So be prepared in your life for this to happen. But I will say, if you do it quietly...just sneak off into the night, they won't have much of a chance to go as big as they could go had they prompted you into a HUGE fight. The smaller you make your exit, the small the extinction event.

My ex punched me in the stomach because I dumped him in the middle of art class, where everyone could see. Then, when at lunch, I didn't give into his crying and then his threats, he punched me where everyone could see. Eye for eye? That's how they see it.

Have you suffered an extinction event from an action you took against a narc? Or maybe from going no contact? Share me with me below.

So today I learned that my batshit crazy (funny thing: I wrote catshit instead of batshit, though both do work) cousin was going to sue me because she thought that her job would find my old blog (somehow magically??) and figure out I was talking about her (somehow magically??) and fire her for endangering children.

The joke on my old blog was "I almost cut your son's finger off, and you tried to drown me when I was a kid, so we're square, right?"

😆😃😄😜😝

Oh giggle! *eyeroll* Someone would get fired over that? Really? C'mon. But for real, let's break down this narcissistic threat and see it for what it is:

First of all, she's pretending that anyone would know who's blog it was. My full name was never attached to my blog. Nobody can tell who you are by a first name. And nobody that knew me was interested in my blog. My blog was mainly about my homeschooling journey (though this was back when I used to use my blog as a personal diary of sorts didn't keep it about just one thing). And my ONLY readers were those who also homeschooled. These readers did not know me, they just knew what I wrote. My own friends had no interest in reading my blog because all I mainly wrote about was homeschooling, and they did not homeschool their kids.
Second, she pretended that people would figure out who she was. That's a little arrogant, don't you think? Why would anyone on earth care who my stupid cousin was? Since above, you can see that nobody who actually knew me in real life read my blog, why would anyone know (or even care for one second) who my family is? It's stupid to even think that. Does she think so much of herself that she would be so interesting that they'd have to do some research to figure out who she is? I mean, that'd be PRETTY hard, don't you think? I mean, it's easy to find out info on who you're talking to online, but a cousin who doesn't have Facebook or any social media? That'd be LITERALLY private detective work. Someone would have to hire a PRIVATE DETECTIVE to figure out who she was. Who in the hell would do that? LMAO *sigh*
Thirdly, she said that a joke SHE SAID TO ME FIRST would be taken literally and people would assume she's a child murderer. First off, when you read that joke above, what does that conjure up in your mind? A child murderer? Or an exaggeration of real circumstances? I would think the latter because doesn't everyone have a story in their family about a brother or a sister "trying to kill a sibling" or some other exaggerated joke? I hear this all the time. I have even had TWO friends who have said their sisters chased them around with a butcher knife while washing dishes. TWO!!! One is my mutual friend with my mother. And nobody thinks of them as child murderers! LMAO I was babysitting my cousin's son (he was my little buddy) and he ran down a dark hallway to get into my room (I was a teenager). I chased after him, ran in front of him and closed my door. What I did not realize was that I shut the door on his finger! And he needed stitches to have it fixed. There's the joke about me cutting his fingers off. And when I was little, my cousin was holding me in a lake and accidentally dropped me. It was murky, so she could not see me and had to scramble to find me. When she did, I was fine. And she made the joke that she tried to drown me. Thing is, she knows it was joke, since she's the one who said it to me, yet she's acting as if I am a liar and this whole incident never happened. Can anyone say GASLIGHTING?
And lastly, she did what every person with narcissistic personality disorder does when things come out about them that doesn't paint them in a pretty light: threaten to sue. Because all good narcs think that they can bully their way in life. They think that your truth is a lie or should be kept hidden. What if she HAD tried to drown me and her school found out about it and she got fired? She still could not sue because it would had been the truth. And what kind of school would fire a teacher with seniority over a blog that nobody did any investigation into first? That's ridiculous. It's just an empty threat from a empty-headed and empty-hearted narcissist. That's not how the world works.

Now, had she been fired over it? Had exactly happened what she assumed might happen and her school just BAM! fired her over my blog? She'd have NO reason to sue me, and every reason to sue for her job back (and I would had testified on her behalf, because DUH, a) I am not a liar and b) I am not an evil, vindictive person who would have just let that just go--though she is, and isn't that the way of the narc? To assume everyone would act just like them?). Narcs all threaten things when they get scared that they can't quiet us. And here is the reason why it can normally scare the shit out of us:

They are capable of anything.

But when dealing with being open about my family's abuse, I come prepared. I do my research first and make sure that what I say and how I say it is legally okay. Now granted, it's not always perfect. There are some things I may have to one day take down or not outrightly declare (like my memoir that I'm working on), but for the most part, I am fine. And if she wanted to sue me, I'd be fine with that. She'd be the one publicly declaring all what I've written about her was about her. She'd be the reason anyone would know who she is, not me. And that? I'd giggle at that. Because, what would that accomplish? Silencing me? HA. This blog right here is proof that that won't happen. It's been going four years strong. The reason my cousin even found out about my old blog is because I stupidly shared a post I wrote and her daughter went snooping on it and found my blogs I wrote about my family.

And if they found out about this blog, and I had to close it? I'd open another. And another. And another. And my memoir would come out and they'd have NO idea because my name won't be on it. My family can try as they might to get me to quit telling my stories, but no matter how much they try, it won't work.

I will never be bullied into silence. Never.

When I was 17, I had a miscarriage. I remember that night very well. I knew something was wrong but I was so conditioned by my parents to just ignore my own pain, that that's what I did: ignore it.

Ovulation, back then, was painful for me. Like, really, really painful. Once it hurt so much I ended up collapsing onto the floor on the way to the phone to call my parents, who were at my grandparents' house. I didn't make it, I just laid on the floor, grasping my side. It was just the one asshole ovary that was the culprit, so every other month was pretty horrid. And I did eventually get my mother to take me to the doctor about it. They basically said the same thing I heard all my life: nothing we can do, just live with it.

Story of my life.

So that night, I lay in bed (it was s strange convertible couch bed that we used to have at our lake house, but my grandparents sold our lake house and I got this strange, scratchy couch/bed), in horrible pain. Crying. Holding my stomach. I hadn't had a bad ovulation in over a year and I had my period, so I knew it wasn't that. But it never dawned me that I was pregnant and losing a potential baby.

Now, I am 40, and I am glad it happened. At 17, I was a complete mess. It honestly was the worst year of my life. The abuse at home was at an all time high. Things were just horrible. But truth be told, I was so blinded by "young love", at the time, that I actually tried to get pregnant. Now, I cannot remember if my miscarriage coincided with those attempts or if it was a different long-term boyfriend (both were condescending assholes), but it doesn't matter. What matters is that while I wasn't even aware I had had a miscarriage until a long time later, that losing it was the right thing to have happened with that pregnancy.

My mother had a miscarriage in her early 20's. Though she called it that my whole life and to find out later it wasn't a miscarriage at all. She actually had to birth a stillborn baby boy at 4 months pregnant. She always said that that's she could not have children after that and that's why they adopted me. I highly doubt that was true, I just think she didn't want to go through that again. I don't blame her, though. I would not had wanted to go through that again either.

At age 24 I had my second child and almost lost him at 4 months pregnant. That was scary as fuck. So I get it. I stopped having kids after that because of that reason. The feeling of almost losing an unnamed child (though I would have named him...I remember crying in the hospital bed saying "We have to name him!) was unbearable. I always wonder if my parents mourned that baby boy silently and maybe that's a part of the reason they treated me so badly? I wasn't a replacement for the boy they lost. I was an imposter.

Though I do not feel that with my own children, though I did give birth to both of them. I didn't adopt them, but then again, I don't think I could feel that way with any child, ever. But I also never gave birth to a child that didn't make it, either.

Everyone is made up of a sum of their experiences. My experiences shaped me into who I am today. And my mother's, hers. But I don't feel experiences make someone a narcissist. You have to have something there to begin with. Something that makes you YOU. Experiences just shape those parts of you, hones them, defines them. At my core is love. My experiences, both good and bad, shaped that love into empathy and the like. My mother's core is filled with...what? What do narcissists have at their cores?

Oh yeah. Themselves. Every experience is experienced from their point of view only. And the more experiences they have, they more they think about themselves. Never mind the daughter you adopted, you lost a son. So therefore the lost son comes first. Never mind he's gone, his loss will take front and center over the child that is actually there.

Honestly, I have no idea if she even thinks about her lost son (it's strange to even type that) at all. She probably blocked that out as she does every thing negative in her life. But it feels like my dad was always wanting something different than me. I was always a disappointment to him, but now I realize it was his own disappointment in himself that caused him to treat me that way. And he would had treated his son the same way (or made him the golden child so he could live vicariously through him). And my mom just wanted obedience (she always bragged on my dad being such a perfectly obedient child, which was what his mother used to cherish in him). I think maybe she thought that their son would take after my dad. Though my dad was a raging, abusive alcoholic, so I really hope that's not the truth (my mom being the queen of denial probably didn't think about that part).

Well, I have no idea if my lost potential child was a girl or a boy. I was only, at most, at month pregnant. If even that. And I don't really think about it most days, as I am very glad I never had a child at 17 (now THAT would had been a horrible mess). I do mourn the loss of a potential child, but in a strange way. In my own way. But I feel if I had lost an actual child, I would not have taken it out on my actual children. I would have hugged them tighter, loved them just as much as I do now, but with the knowing that nothing is permanent. Taking out the loss of another child on them makes no sense.

Again, I am speculating here. I really have no idea if he (the baby) was part of the reason for their abuse (the main parts were narcissism and alcoholism--on both my mother and my father). But I am smart enough to know that no matter how much one blocks out something, it still shapes who they are and how they act. I can't imagine he wasn't part of the reason they treated me the way they did. Because that's what narcs do: they use their traumas as excuses to be assholes. "I had something bad happen to ME so I get a free pass to do what I want!"

I don't know. Do any of you know of any traumas your mothers had that fueled their narcissistic abuse? I am just wondering if there is a slight bit of correlation.

I've realized that the number one thing we all need to learn to be happy in life is to release ourselves from the attachment to other people's choices.

How many times have you cruised the narcissist(s) in your life's Facebook page and see all the things they are doing without us and thought "They never invite us to do all this fun stuff, they must hate us" or heard about something they did without and thought the same thing? On the radio, a local DJ's parents had their 50th wedding anniversary party and never even told him. A friend of mine's brother got married and nobody told him about it. My own old BFF got married and never told me about it (even though she was maid of honor at my wedding). My cousins went to Wisconsin Dells with my other cousins and never even told me about it to go with. And that same cousin as an adult invited me to Great America as a kid, and then went without me (I found out later because of something she bought there was up on her wall). And when I was married to my ex, his sister went to the zoo constantly with her mother and they never invited our kids (though when we went to the zoo, we always invited them).

These things are done to hurt us. On purpose. The narcissists in our lives are always doing things to us, usually by exclusion, in order to send us a message: we are not worthy of inclusion. Their choices hurt us, and we internalize that as that we are not good enough to be included. So, what can we do to stop feeling this way?

Well, I've made the decision to stop being attached to their choices. My mother constantly (to this exact moment) refuses to "remember" that any abuse ever took place in my childhood. This has hurt me for so long and it made me feel that I was not worthy enough to stand up for, or remember how horrible my life was as child. But recently, I've come to realize, that she's not hurting me. I am. I am attached to her choice to "forget". I need to let go of that attachment, and let her make whatever choice she wants to make. Because HER choice doesn't mean jack shit about me. Just like my old BFF's choice, or my cousin's choices. It simply doesn't matter. Their choices do not reflect on me, unless I make them reflect on me. And I can't do that anymore. I need to stop making their choices be about me, and put them squarely where they belong: ON THEM. Period.

YOU choose to exclude me? Well, that makes YOU look bad, not me. I don't need your approval in order to feel good about myself. What I need to do instead is make choices of my own that are best for my life and my family's lives. Because that's all that matters. And my choices are to go full no contact with anyone who's toxic to mine and my family's lives.

That's it. I know it sounds easier said than done, but every single time you're presented with a situation like this? Remember this mantra:

I release my attachment of your choice.

Don't internalize someone else's choices as there is something wrong with you, and that's why they made that choice. Their choice has nothing to do with you at all. NOTHING. Even if they were doing it on purpose to hurt you.

I suggest you read this AMAZING book by Don Miguel Ruiz "The Voice of Knowledge". It will change your thinking, and in turn, change your life.

Today my mother told our mutual friend that I will regret not having her in my life before she dies. That I will be sad and regret not making up. Well, here's what I have to say about that!

Having a mutual friend with my mother is annoying at times, but at other times, it serves as a great reminder of why I will not go back to having contact with her.

Hearing things through the grapevine is still not 100% no contact if you don't tell your friend to stop telling you things. And just when I wonder for a moment if she is missing me? I find out not only is she not missing me, but she's also blaming me for things that aren't my fault.

I told my friend "It's been 45 days since I've spoken to her, you'd think for as much as she's telling people that she misses me, she sure shouldn't be saying things like this." My friend agreed.

So while I do eventually want to be 100% no contact, meaning I do not want to even hear about her, right now? It's helping me realize she's a total douche who will never, ever, change. That she will talk shit about me until the day she dies. And that? Is enough for me to stop caring even if she does decide to make my cousin executor of her will and all that.

Well, for one, I am not getting anything as the government will take all she has anyways.

So what is she blaming me for now? Well, back in the day, our mutual friend and I and my hubby were in an anxiety support group for four years and the leader of that group stole everyone's stories and put them in a book, without our permission, and published it. So I got a lawyer to send a cease and desist letter to get our stories removed and that broke up the anxiety group. So my mother told our mutual friend that it was my fault the group broke up. Of course my friend told her she was full of shit, but my mother insisted.

I am just happy to know that she's still the bitch I know she is. I know that sounds mean, but when we go NC with our parents, it helps to know they are still showing their true colors when we aren't around.

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