I don't think I've ever experienced what having a true friend is like.  My most recent friendship debacle (and there's always a debacle) is on a low-key level due to the fact that she's close with my mother.  Take yesterday, for example.  I asked what's she's doing for the 4th of July, and she says "having friends over".  But never once does that include us (my family) and we only live a block away.  She's always going out with friends, doing stuff with friends, and going places with my mother.  YET, she claims to be on my side of things with my mother and never once invites me to go anywhere or do anything at all. Well, unless she needs help with something, then I am her first pick.

A "friend" a few years ago (acquaintance, not friend--just some girl I kinda knew in middle school and high school) said there was something wrong with me because I always give up on my friends and walk away.  She called me "tragically comical". So I told her to fuck off and walked away from her LOL  BUT, she does have a point: I DO walk away, from a LOT of people.

Why?

Because I REFUSE to be treated badly. I refuse to be used.  I refuse to be talked down to.  And I refuse to be manipulated by anymore narcissists.

As a child of a narc parent, I attract a LOT of narcs into my life.  Mainly because that's what I've been taught.  I am sure most of you reading this probably know exactly what I am talking about.  Not all friendships I've had have ended because of them....I've done some stupid shit.

Like, a few years ago, I used to run a woman's group and made friends with one of my admins, who turned out to be a dingbat.  I know that's mean, but she really had the IQ of a potato.  And I wrote that on my Facebook wall.  PUBLICALLY.  On accident, mind you.  I couldn't stand the woman, but I broke her heart, saying mean shit about her on my wall.  That was real shit moment in my life.  Back then I was more of a catty, gossipy asshole.  All of us in the group did it.  But I was the leader of the group and everyone got really angry with me after that (even though behind her back, they all said the same exact stuff).  But I was the bad guy, because talking behind someone's back is pretty assholey, but then to actually say something like that where they could see it?  It was pretty shitty.  And I realized then that gossiping was horrible and I was acting like my mother and I walked away from the group because it wasn't good for me to be around that many females.

I am not perfect.  I have "narc mother" residue left in me at times.  Though I take full responsibility for my own actions and do not blame my mother for how I act today.  That's all on me.  I am a grown up and can choose my own actions.  Some are easier to get rid of than others, but I am working on all of it.

Which is why I've never had a real friend.  I've always chosen what I've known: women who are moody, messy, bossy, or adventurous.  But the past few years, I've realized that those women?  Are not really cool.  And many are more than just fucked up: many are literally mentally unstable.  So when you point out "Hey, I need some respect here...." you either are met with an eye roll or downright rage.  Or they badmouth you to everyone.  (hmmm sound familiar?)

OR I find friends that are sociopathic liars.  I've actually had two of these types as close friends: both are friends from grade and middle school on up.  One was a sweet-talking criminal (I didn't know he was a criminal) who lied about having cancer.  And the other was a girl I knew from the 4th grade on up.  I stayed friends with her because she was my oldest friend, but I knew she was a pathological liar since high school.  I ended both friendships, because I realized I could no longer pretend to be invested in relationships that do not feed me in a positive way.  And I could not feed either one of them in a positive way (haha they are narcs, so yes, to them I'd be a positive addition to their friendship circles, because they'd use me for supply) because I knew exactly what they were.  Other of these types, I've ended friendships with them IMMEDIATELY because I recognize the signs.

Maybe the reason I've never found a real friend was because I have no idea HOW to be a real friend, myself?  I've never had the right tools or even realized for a long time that I was doing anything wrong (like gossiping).  I never had the chance to find out what it means to be a real friend, so I've had ZERO practice.

The other day my mother told our "mutual friend" that I had no friends so I was jealous and wanted to take away her friends.  Which is utter bullshit, except for the fact I really don't have any friends.  But is that so bad?  I am in a state of trying to figure out what that word even means.  So maybe it's a good thing I have none right now (because like I've pointed out several times....our "mutual friend" is HER friend, not mine").  I'd rather have no friends than fake friends.  And I'd rather have no friends than be my mother and pretend to be someone's friend in order to get something from them (which is what I feel like our "mutual friend" is literally doing to me: she's getting something from her talk about my mother to me and from literally having me do things for her).

So....I shall go on a quest to find out what it means to be a true friend.  Maybe I can fix myself enough in order to be able to find a few one day.  Though I will say, I have a horrible time trusting anyone due to knowing about narcissists.  But, even if I don't find one, I will better myself in the process (I hope! LOL).  And that's worth it.  Even if I find I can just be a better friend to myself and my hubby and kids.