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You know what I am talking about, those "apologies" that our narcissists give us, hidden in other words.  The ones we assume are apologies, but aren't quite sure if they are.   OR they are the ones that our narcs give us in lieu of a real apology.  The ones you've been told are apologies, but there's no "I'm sorry" or any owning up to what they did wrong. 

Both aren't real, so stop accepting them!! 

The issue here is you.  I know, that's tough to hear.  But you are allowing these people to apologize in a half-ass, roundabout way, and by accepting this (in an assumed way: just letting them say it and pretending like the situation never happened), you are saying to them "It's okay, you don't actually have to own up to your mistreatment of me, I am not worth a real apology anyways".  You are setting the stage for what you will and won't accept in your life and you are straight up telling them that you aren't worth actually apologizing to.  AND you are telling them that their mistreatment of you is not only okay, but deserved. 

Is that what you want?  Is what how you want to live?  I know this how you were raised and it's a coping mechanism you've developed in order to actually survive your parents' asshole behavior.  It then puts you out into the world, doing with every narcissist in your life.  But now it's time to get passed that shit.  Because you are worth so much more than an "assumed apology".  You deserve more and shouldn't take anything less than a real one.

Now, I know there are circumstances in which you do not want to enrage the narcissist in your life.  Because standing up for yourself will 99% of the time do exactly what.  But...if you can afford them being angry for a moment, then you need to stand up for yourself.  This will set the tone for your relationship with them, that you won't stand for not being apologized to (frankly, if you can set the tone by going completely no contact, that would be best, but I know that's not always possible). 

Say your parents do or say something nasty to you or your family.  So you let them know you are angry by avoiding them.  Typically, they will wait until enough time has passed, and then say something out of the blue, something normal and like nothing has happened.  They expect you to follow suit, just act like nothing has happened.  It's an assumed, unspoken apology and acceptance of that apology.  Or sometimes they will say something that resembles an apology (at least in your head-but in reality, it resembles nothing at all), and the same will happen.  Both parties act like nothing ever happened. 

My mother liked to badmouth people who did the same bad things as she did, which always led me to believe she was secretly apologizing, like somehow she was actually talking about herself, and not this other person.  Because why would anyone badmouth another person who did the same bad things?  That makes no sense, right?!  So obviously, she's secretly apologizing.  Duh. 

See how ridiculous that sounds?  See how we make up these stories in our heads, and believe them, even though nothing could be further from the truth?  We had to do this in order to cope, in order not to blow up or go crazy or feel desperately alone.  We truly believe these people have our best interests at heart and we make up anything to back up the lies we tell ourselves in order to keep believing that.  What we forget (or don't realize) is that these people DO NOT LOVE US.   Like, at all.  They are incapable of love.  And that scares us to no end, because we do not want to be unloved.  But we are only a means to an end for them.  That's it.  That's all anyone is to them, not just us.  I know we should be special, that we should be the ones that they actually care about, but we aren't.  We are simply pawns to be sacrificed so the royals can protect one another.  They see everyone as pawns.  Everyone. 

And while that's a hard pill to swallow, it's the truth. 

And their half-assed, pretend apologies aren't worth jack.  And you have to stop letting them think they are. 

You have every single right to expect a real apology from them.  You are owed that by them.

Now, their real apology isn't really real, because they'll do it again.  But, forcing them to own up to what they've done wrong, even if in only words (meaning they aren't actually owning up, they're just saying they are), you are setting the tone that you refuse to be abused.  That you won't just "let things go".  That they can no longer just "get away with it".  And if they do what my mother did after she physically attacked me on May 16, 2006?  Where she whole-heartedly apologized one day, but then made fun of me for calling the police and badmouthed me to everyone after?  Then you don't let them get away with that either.  Back then, I had no idea my mother had NPD, and I was stuck living with her.  But I could have stood up to her anyways, but I didn't.  I let that psycho bitch poke fun at me and try to humiliate me to our neighbors.

Because that's how I was raised.  Don't poke the bear that is my raging mother.  I mean hell, I poked her on that spring day by standing up for myself and I got hit in the face.  But I was at my breaking point. I couldn't just sit there and let her call me a pervert one more time for co-sleeping with my little boys.  I was done.  And I was prepared for whatever she said next.  I wasn't prepared for her physical violence, but I was glad it happened.  To actually see how far my mother would take things was finally happening and now I knew what I was dealing with.  I knew what to expect.  And I knew I was capable of hitting her back, which was also refreshing.  A life of built up anger, of letting her hit me with out doing one thing to protect myself was finally over.

She tried to hit me again, during our big blowup (which is what started this blog).  But I ran away before she could actually strike me.  I was prepared.  I knew what was coming next.  I saw the signs.  I hadn't known them the last time, but this time I knew exactly when it was coming and ran out the door so couldn't catch me.  I could have let her hit me and then called the police to arrest her this time.  But I don't like violence, so I wasn't about to sacrifice my body to her so I could put her where she belonged.  Physical violence leaves an imprint on my psyche.  I prefer to be around it as little of that as possible now that I am an adult and I have the control to walk away from situations that hurt me or my family. 

She never apologized for that one, though.  She never apologize ever again for anyone.  And I stopped assumed she was sorry for anything at all.  I found out about narcissism and realized: she had never been sorry for anyone in her entire life.  She only apologized to get something out of it: sympathy, control, etc.  It was never genuine.  It was never meant.  It was always a manipulation. 

So, you may ask yourself, "Why do I want to press for a real apology when they don't mean it?"  That's actually a great question.  Because on the surface, it looks futile and completely useless.  But there's one good reason to do it:

You.

It doesn't matter if they mean it or not.  Frankly, the apology itself isn't what we're going for here at all.  What we're going for is what you are telling them by forcing them to apologize.  You are saying "I will no longer accept that you hurt me and get away with it.  In order to be in my life, you must know that I am not letting you get away with it anymore.  You will own up, even if in only words, to what you've done wrong and I will not pretend it didn't happen.  I am allowed my pain.  I am allowed my history as fact, not as you pretended it happened.  And I am allowed put you in your place when you've done something wrong." 

In other words "I will stand up for myself, and you will not forget it." 

And just like with children, you must be consistent.  You must do this every single time.  Eventually they will learn.  If they don't?  They don't get you in their lives.  If they try to deny or deflect, you will remind them of what they did wrong and walk away if they won't engage.  And the moment they come crawling back to you?  You will engage again.  You will keep engaging until they back down and own up, or if they prove they will always refuse to engage, you will stop going back and go no contact. 

If you live with them?  You can't go no contact.  But, you can force them to engage as long as you don't give up.  And once they do engage and own up, don't let them backtrack (because they will!).  Keep on them, every single time they want to deflect or ignore, just force them to the truth.  Never back down. 

I am not saying get on their case constantly if they've already apologized, but apologies don't mean jack without them proving remorse.  If they apologize and act like it never happened?  Then you have the right to bring it up when it's bothering you.  But not constantly.  See a therapist if something is constantly bothering you.  Whether or not the narcissist will go with you is up in the air, but you can certainly see one alone.  And you can work through your issues without them.  Sometimes, that's what's needed, esp. if they refuse to take responsibility for their actions. 

Frankly, if you are involved with a narcissist on any level, you should be seeing a therapist.  Even if they are no longer in your lives, but you have residual issues stemming from their abuse (and they all are abusive in their own ways). 

If you don't want to wait around for an apology, or feel it's useless, then consider going completely no contact.  I knew my mother's apologies were never going to amount to a damn thing, so I walked away.  I was done.  Enough was enough. 

I stopped needing her to say she was sorry, because sorry is just a word (and it hardly ever came out of her mouth anyways).  What I needed from her was something she could never, ever give me, so I let her go.  There comes a time in your life that you have to ask yourself: when is enough enough?  How long will you let them continue to hurt you?  Because if you can ask yourself that, you may find that today is the day that you will stop letting yourself be abused and you walk away.  That day came to me as a surprise.  I didn't wake up knowing that I was done.  I didn't even think after being around her horrible self that day that I as done.  It was only when I asked myself: "What if I was done today?  What if today is the day I no longer let her hurt me anymore?"

And as it turned out, it was that day.  Apologies or not, I was done.  And here we are.