Photo by Nine Köpfer on Unsplash

Today I had to do something menial, something small, but something that will have impact on my mother in a great way.  I feel terrible about it...which is stupid, because she would not think twice about doing the same to me in the blink of an eye.  She's ruthless and doesn't care about anyone's feelings.  But I do.  And I know this will hurt her. 

My mother and I shared a game account.  She recently changed her email and is moving all of her accounts to that new email.  This means that soon, I will lose all my games (most of which I paid myself for).  So, I did something to save my games: I changed the account to my own email and changed the password and took off all her financial information and made sure mine was the only one it could pull from.  I want to be as considerate as I can with this, even though I am essentially screwing her.  Meaning: she will lose access to ALL her games. 

And I really feel like shit about it.  Her life consists of her cats and her stupid computer games (and gossiping and shopping).  I know that if I were let her have control over our account (which was what was going to happen next) I'd be the one with games that don't work.  So how do I choose, me over her?  Games aren't as important to me as they are to her.  But at the same time, she's running around accusing me of using her bank account (she had things pull from her account accidentally that I never turned off, so they were 2 very small things that were totally on accident--which she knew about but still acted like I was stealing from her), and changing all of her accounts and emails as a big deal to make a show out of trying to "protect herself" from me to all her friends and our family.  Last time I went no contact with her (four years ago) she turned off my Netflix account, called and had my Link card shut off, and a few other things to mess with my life for NO reason.  At least with this game account I have a reason.  I wouldn't fuck with her life for nothing (and wouldn't fuck with her life just to fuck with it, even if I had a reason).  I am just trying not be the one fucked by her, yet again.

But I still feel bad about this.  I don't want to mess with her life.  I don't want her to get up tomorrow and not have access to her games.  I don't want her to freak out (partly because she will blame me and tell everyone I did this on purpose to hurt her).  It won't matter that I own 50% of the games on our account.  It won't matter that she was planning on doing the same thing to me (I know this for a fact, because I said before that I still had access to her email and saw her changing all of her accounts to her new email).  It won't matter that there wasn't a malicious reason, or that I heavily weighed the outcome of both scenarios before making this choice.  All that will matter is that it happened to HER.   And that I did it.  Those will be the only facts that will matter (partly because that will be the only thing she will ever know, because I am not going to explain myself when the inevitable call comes from her friend---I no longer call her our mutual friend, as she's my mother's friend, not mine). 

I still feel bad though.  Even though she'll badmouth me.  Even though she was going to do the same thing to me.  Even though she's done worse to me in the past.  I feel bad because I have no reason to punish her.  Because I have a conscience, and I know she paid for 50% of the games that are hers.  Because it was down to me or her and in the end, I picked me....which feels selfish and assholey. 

But unlike her, I am capable of feeling bad when I make decisions that effect other people in a negative way (she feels gratified when she makes decisions that effect others negatively, like the world owes her something).  Unlike her, I don't want to hurt her just to hurt her (sometimes I have felt that way in the past, but I always had a reason---she never has a reason, she just gets bored and wants to hurt people).  Unlike her, I let my decisions bother me long after I've made them, pondering if I did the right thing or not (she just forgets she made the decision at all and runs around like nothing ever happened--must be nice to have that luxury). 

I feel like a total asshole for doing it.  But at the same time, for once, I didn't let her screw me over.  Yet, that doesn't really make me feel any better.  I don't like screwing other people over just to save myself.  And for something that wasn't as important to me as it was to her.  But it's done and over with and I can't really do anything about it now.  I'll just have to live with my choice.  And the consequences that will most definitely come with that choice. 

Well, I better go play some of my games so it wasn't all for nothing.  *sigh*