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There is really inaccurate article out there about how narcissists prey on the strong.  It's contradictory is most parts, because while it says that they see strong people as a challenge, it also states that all abusers like this (psychopaths, sociopaths, narcs) see everyone as beneath them.  So one could argue that they see everyone as weak, just varying degrees.  You can read the article here.  Anyways, it's bullshit, because seeming strong on the outside is not the same as being strong.  There is always a weakness inside of a person that allows others to abuse them.  And most people have it.

One person commented on this, agreeing by saying "Nobody wants to rob an empty house".  I commented back that narcissists do not want to rob you, they want to possess you.  And they want to possess those who they deem easy to take. 

Do some narcs want a strong-willed person to give them a challenge?  Sure!  But most are pretty damn lazy.  Look around at your mother's inner circle of codependent flying monkeys: what do you see?  What about your father?  Are these people strong, mentally-healthy, independent-minded people who are secure in themselves?

*giggle*  I thought not.

My grandfather had a 6th grade education, whereas my grandmother was college educated and brilliant.  My grandfather was easy prey.  My grandmother was cunning, brilliant, and someone who you'd think would like a challenge.  But alas, she saw him as an empty house she could easily possess and fill with her own agenda.  Most narcs, even cunning ones, are too lazy to rob and replace, they just want to fill and possess. 

I am not saying that all people who get taken for a ride by a narc are weak, not at all.  Narcs see us as weak.  They see us as easy prey.  How?  Well, we show them that we'll take their shit.  Those of us who won't take their shit walk away.  So there is something that's attracting us to these relationships, as friends or SO's/spouses (and them to us).  And what's attracting us is the fact we were trained by our own parents to take their shit.  So we're used to it. 

People who don't stand up for themselves are definitely targeted.  People who are pliable and too agreeable are also targeted.  People who wear their hearts on their sleeves are also targeted.  Men and women who send off the vibe that they are damaged are also targeted (I know, because I used to be that girl).  But strong, confident people are not really targeted....they maybe be challenged to see if they will be one of the above (because strong and confident in your job doesn't mean you are strong and confident deep down).  If the narc sees that this person pliable or too much of a "people pleaser", they may be targeted.  But mind you: they aren't targeted for their strength: they are targeted because something proved to the narc that they'd be easy enough prey.  Because those that are actually strong enough to not be interested in the narc's games will be tossed to the curb (or they will leave because they see through the narc's bullshit). 

I got suckered into a narc relationship because I was damaged.  I got pregnant really quickly and all of a sudden found myself in a marriage.  I did not bow down to his narc games and held my head high and refused to budge, but not because I was born that way.  I was made that way by being in a 2 year relationship previously with an emotionally and physically abusive narcissist.  I did gain the strength to leave that 2 year boyfriend, but immediately begged him to take me back a few days later(although he found another woman to possess, once much more pliable than I--easier prey, and he refused to take me back--LUCKILY!).  But from this situation I learned how to be stronger. 

So, what do you do when you end up in a relationship with a narc and you refuse to back down and be his or her victim?  You go through hell, that's what.  The yelling, the screaming, the breaking of items, the abuse of your children......after 6 years I had to leave.  I had to walk away, even though I had nothing.  But I am stubborn and refused to give in, so I did what I had to do to survive and go live with my narcissistic, abusive mother for a bit.  We had to endure her abuse, for almost a year.  But my stubbornness kept us safe most days (when she did eventually physically assault me, we ended up moving out) and I made sure we kept our distance.

My point: the only way we become strong when it comes to narcissists, is to endure narcissistic abuse and come out the other side with our lessons learned.  We have to build hard shells that filter out all the bullshit (whether with friends or lovers) that is only created when we've gone through the actual war of living with a narc (or having any sort of relationship with one).  Living with our parents growing up is not enough: that part actually primes us for abusive relationships in the future.  We have to actually pay attention and endure what these assholes do in order to be strong enough to repel them later. 

So despite this article claiming that narcs target strong people, the fact of the matter is that deep down, if you stay with a narc, you haven't gotten strong enough yet.  They deem us as weak--which means that they deem us as people who will put our narcs before ourselves. 

The opposite of strong, in this situation, is not being weak, even if others see us as that.  The opposite of being strong is having a weakness that our parents instilled in us.  Our weakness is to let others control us.  But if you've grown up with that, that's all you know.  So that's what you will gravitate to in friendships and lovers.  Does that make us bad or stupid or wrong?  No, it makes us human.  Being strong is something we have to learn ourselves.  It's a long, hard process, but it's doable.

I was strong-minded, strong-willed, and had ODD as a teenager.  You'd think I'd be the one dominating all my relationships, right?  Yet, I surrounded myself with narcissistic friends and dated only men who hurt me.  The ones who treated me well bored me and I quickly tired of them and soon would move onto another hurtful man (or rather, boy).  My all-time BFF who I never had one single fight with for the 2 years we were BFF's, was a raging covert narcissist.  She was evil and cruel and I always forgave her because I was like a lost puppy dog by her side.  I craved her attention, which she would give me (love bombing) and then she'd find another person to love-bomb and leave me sitting there wondering what I did wrong.  During this time she'd badmouth me, but always talk her way out of it.  Then, she'd have enough, and come back to me and love bomb me all over again.  The straw that broke the camel's back was she went around telling everyone the father of my baby (my ex-narcissist husband) wasn't the father of my baby.  No reason, just for fun. 

You see, I wasn't strong at all, even though I presented myself as strong-minded and strong-willed.  I even thought of myself that way, but I just wasn't.  I still had my weakness that made me let others control me and hurt me.  And my ex didn't target me....I went after him.  I was sick of "bad boys" and wanted a nice guy.  And because I was pregnant, I found myself trapped with a raging narcissist (he is, and was, so very covert).  And I stayed with him to protect my son (I couldn't go back to my parents' house until after my father died, as he was horribly physically abusive).  I had to pick one abuser over another, but it was still my choice (I knew I could keep my son protected from his father more than I could from my own father). 

The only time I realized my ex had broken me was after we were divorced!  Silly, right?  I had left but I so desperately believed that deep down, despite his horrible raging (and scary) temper, he was capable of being a good person.  I gave him chance after chance after chance.....in the end, he got his rights taken away and didn't see the kids for 5 years.  But during our marriage, I KNEW he was a shitty father and a shitty person.  It was only after we divorced that he lured me with "nice bombing" (showing me a side to him that I hadn't seen since before we got married).  Which then created this horrible situation for my children.  But in the end, I wised up and realized he was just playing games with me (and them). 


So as you can see, there no such thing as a "strong" person that gets with a narc.  We can be stronger than we were before, sure.  That doesn't make us "strong" as a whole.  Despite your high-powered job or life that seems to be together, you still have a weakness if you get with a narc and stay with him or her.  And having that weakness makes you human, not "weak".  It's like separating yourself from an illness: you aren't what you have.  Having a weakness doesn't make you weak.  But it does make the narcissist think you are weaker than they are.  If you let them hurt you, they think they have the right to hurt you.  I was literally told that by an old friend who was a narc:

"If people would just stand up for themselves, I would just stop bullying them.  But they don't, so they deserve it". 

That's simply not true, but that's how she saw things (which is bullshit, because when I did stand up for myself with her, I was blamed, bad-mouthed, and bullied some more).  But that's how warped their excuses are. 

This article speaks about strong people getting targeted by narcs because they like a challenge.  I think it's normal to want to give that excuse for why someone was in an abusive relationship, but if we want to accept reality, we need to realize that our weakness is why they stay.  It's harsh, but it's true.  And one day, when we can defeat that weakness, narcs won't be allowed in our lives anymore. 

Narcissistic abuse can make us stronger, wiser, and more powerful, but only if we learn from it.  Only if we decide not to take it anymore.  Only when we realize that nobody is in control of who we are except us. 

And while that goes against everything we were taught growing up, it is possible and it can be done.  You just have to find your own last straw.  Even if it's over something that's not a big deal at all.  Last straws don't have to be grand gestures, they can be just a quiet bowing out.  Both will have the same impact on your life: YOU decided that you won't let others control you anymore.  YOU.  And if that's not strength, I don't know what is.