Photo by Jason Blackeye on Unsplash

Despite feeling like I've lived a hundred lifetimes in my 40 years, I really only split those years into the "before" and the "after".  I think you know what I am referring to, as being the type of blog this is.  The before I knew my mother was a narcissist and went no contact and the after.

The before:

I did everything mother asked of me.  Sometimes begrudgingly, but usually willfully.  I thought the world revolved around her.  I took her abuse because by making excuses for her behavior.  I didn't want to believe she was doing things on purpose to harm me or my children.  I cooked like her.  I fed my cats the same way she fed hers.  I was a carbon copy of my mother.  I thought her way was not only the right way, but the only way.  She made comments that I assumed were secret apologies for the way I grew up.  I thought she honestly loved me.  And I believed if she died, I would die too.  That I literally could not live without her.  I am so very ashamed to admit that I ignored my children in her presence.  I let her have her way, always.  I was as codependent as they came.  And fucking miserable.

The after:

The world that was once black and white, had now become colorized.  Things made total sense.  Everything made sense.  I was now capable of not only seeing the truth in her, but everyone around me.  I saw that I had surrounded myself with narcissists as friends.  And I realized I no longer desired to take their shit anymore.  I am a little more jaded now...a little more angry, seeing narcissism everywhere, but I feel more open, too...wiser and more whole.  Knowing about narcissism has allowed me to heal on so many levels it's not even funny.  I know this anger will eventually fade...I am only 3 months no contact with my mother.  And I know it mainly stems from her.  I look forward to the day I no longer think about her most days.  And I am learning to be my own person, away from whatever my mother's plan to mold me into was.  This type of healing only comes from going no contact.  I don't see how anyone can be who they are meant to be in life while they are still in contact with their narcissistic parents.  It's just not possible.  It's hard road...so much anger and resentment (and fantasies of punching her in the face!), but it's worth it.  It's so very much worth it.