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I know the holidays bring all sorts of drama when we have narcissistic family members.  Especially when those narcs are our parents.  Last year we spent it completely narc free.  This year we limited it to only my mother (we didn't see his parents yet, if we will at all).  If you haven't been following my story, I will fill you in: I was no contact for a year and a half, we became homeless, and had to come back into her life again.  At first, it was really, really hard, and up until a few weeks ago, it was still really, really hard.  Then I yelled at her and she'd been nice ever since.  Although now she's going back to taking digs at us behind our backs.  But still, she's being nicer to my face, so that's something.  And of course, she bought a ham for Christmas.  And she knows I can't eat it.  I was going to make my own meal to bring down, but I felt like crap Xmas eve, so instead I just took the tiniest bit of ham.  She doesn't care about my health and bought it because she loves ham.  Which is fine, she bought it and cooked it, so what can I say about it?  *sigh*

But then we have the Xmas cookies.  She made like 50 dozen cookies at Thanksgiving (I am not exaggerating here) and then proceeded to bag them up and deliver them to Buttknuckle the Pervert, her BFF (our mutual "friend"), Goosey the Peeper (her next door neighbor who peeps on us), BM's trashy ghetto daughter, and Homeless Hillbilly (our other neeeeiiiiggghhhbor--like a horse?  get it? ha!)

We didn't get a single bag.  She had leftovers at her house and told us to eat them at her house only.  It was a way to control us, but whatever.  I don't eat cookies, so I didn't give two shits, except for the fact she made almond bars, my son's FAVORITE, promised him a tray, then never gave him any, until last night, over a MONTH after she made them.  They were hard as a rock and disgusting.  We threw them all in the trash.

Yeah.  Tell me THAT was not purpose. 

I even mentioned it several times "Hey Ma, those bars will NOT be good anymore, they do not last that long!"  "Psssh" she'd reply.  And then she tried to cut them last night and almost needed the electric knife to do so.  What did she expect?  They are like a cake!!  Cake doesn't last a month, you fucking idiot!

Then, she had her BFF over, along with Buttknuckle the Pervert two days ago, and I was doing laundry, and the Pervert says "Is that your sex shirt?" to me as I walked by.  She's so fucking stupid and I just wanted to take my laundry basket and hit her in the face with it, but I just said "No, it's a peasant shirt, you dirty hobo" and kept on walking by.  Just kidding.  But I did say the peasant shirt part.  So then I leave and the Pervert asks my mom (and I call her the pervert, because she's 75 and all she talks about is sex...so freaking gross) for some cookies.  So my moms goes and gets two entire gallon bags of cookies and hands them to her.  Leaving her BFF to ask "Um, do I get any?"  She says "No, I don't have enough." 

Um, yeah, so I guess me and her BFF are on her shit list again.  She told the old Pervert and her BFF that she had to hide the cookies because my kids would come and take them by the handful.  Which isn't fully true: she would TELL THEM TO.  Typical narcissist.  Creating a situation, encouraging it, just so they can complain about it later.  *sigh* 

Then last night she had me take the rest of the cookies home.  They are old, stale and nasty.  And then she told me to give half to her BFF.  So I bagged up more than half, because her BFF won't stop bitching about it to me and we don't really need the cookies, and dropped them off at her house last night, along with the gifts I bought her. 

But then her BFF started talking about how I got angry with her online last year and told her I didn't want to be friends anymore due to her always telling my mom what I said.  I called my mom a piece of shit in that letter.  And she said she had to show it to my mother.  I was like but that's why I stopped talking to you, and then you go and do it again??  *sigh*  Why do I even try with this woman?  She's not smart enough to even realize she's being disruptive and messing up my life.  So why do I even act like she's my friend?  It's so hard, because she's sweet and nice, but she's also so severely, severely toxic.  I have hard time seeing that part of her until it's too late and the damage has been done.  BOTH times I've had the worst issues with my mother was all her fault.  Both times she went and told my mom everything I said.  But she expects me to not tell my mother that my mother was going around telling people I was bipolar. 

One day that will come out, though.  Not because I am a petty asshole (though sometimes I can be), but because it needs to be addressed.  And she will have no right to be angry, because she tells my mom everything I say (which I am very careful about today).  But she will be angry.  And she won't get why she shouldn't be. 

Like I said: she's toxic.  Perhaps more than my own mother at times.  Because she sits there and acts sweet and innocent and nice, lulls you into a false sense of security, and then BAM!  Ruins your life in one fell swoop!  She's done that twice now, and I am never confiding in her again.  Esp. not after last night, hearing tell me how my mom had a right to see what I said about her. 

So, all this time I've been feeling good.  My mom hasn't cycled back to her meanness yet and has been uber nice to me for a month or so, but then her BFF tells me all shit she's been talking behind my back again, and I've been cycling on obsessing over it.  I can't sleep.  I can't be happy.  I am angry all day and night.  I feel crazy again, like I did before. 

I know, as I write this, I can clearly see the answer: stop talking to her BFF.  Who cares what my mother says behind my back?  Who freaking cares?  She's on her last leg and I'd rather spend the time she has left being happy with her, and not hating her again.  And if her friends are stupid enough to believe what she says about me, then that's on them.  Why should I care? 

It does bug me that we have four dogs, and we pick up our own dog poop, and my mom went outside, out of boredom and cleaned some up.  There wasn't very much, we had just done it the day before.  But then she tells all her friends that she the only person who cleans it up.  *sigh* 

But again, why is her BFF telling me this?  I think she gets off on making me feel bad.  I think she LOVES being in the middle of the drama.  I think it makes her feel important.  When my mother passes away or her dementia gets bad enough?  I am going to tell this idiot (our old mutual friend, my mom's BFF) exactly what I think.  To her face.  And she can go tell the world I am a crazy bitch.  Because when you deal with people like this in your life, what else do you have a choice in being???


UPDATE 2021: I held to my word.  I never confided in her again.  I don't even talk to her anymore unless I have to.  She's as dumb as a brick full of dog shit, so I have no reason to need to speak to her.  I know that's mean, but look at the chaos she's pulled in my life?  I know, it's my fault for trusting her back then.  But I was desperate for a friend.  I am smarter now.  Wiser.  I know better.  Who needs enemies with friends like her?



Mindfulness is the Buddhist practice of staying in the present moment.  When you're in the present moment, you are not concentrating on the future or the past.  You are only thinking about the here and now.  This means you aren't worried about what your mother has said in the past, or how she will treat you in the future.  For those of us who are anxiety ridden due to her abuse, this can be a lifesaver.

Now, I've been learning about mindfulness for probably around fifteen years or so.  And it wasn't until recently that I've really come to understand it in its entirety.  I mean, I could sit in silence, be aware of everything around me, and it still didn't click.  I was lost in this idea of "being present" and had no idea how to sustain it for longer than a moment.  That is, until I came upon the Netflix documentary called "Walk With Me" which is about Thich Nhat Hanh's monastary in France called Plum Village.

I've had a spiritual crush on Thich Nhat Hanh ever since I read the book "Peace is Every Step".  I was enthralled at how a human being could be so peaceful and I longed to be the same.  But nothing I've ever done has worked, especially since having my mother in my life makes my life very chaotic at times.  But now that I've seen the documentary, and watched how mindfulness is practiced by actual people and not just in the written word, a light went on in my brain and I finally get it.

Mindfulness is not just a practice.  It's a way of life.  It's a spiritual path without being religious.  And beyond those things, it's a beacon of light in the darkness of abuse.  It's a way out.  And if you have to be in your mother's life for any reason whatsoever, it's a way to stay calm and serene in the face of her behavior.

If you don't have a Netflix account, you can see if your local library has it or you can buy or rent it here on Amazon.  The movie itself feels like a meditation while watching it.  And if you're into this sort of thing, I guarantee you'll walk away after watching it with a sense of peace and reverence that you didn't have going into it.  And when that feeling wears off, watch the movie again.  And then watch it again as many times as you need to in order to keep that feeling in your life.  It's so easy to learn something new, or start a new practice (like exercise) and then the "newness" wears off and we just go back to our old habits.  But in order to combat this drop-off, we can bring ourselves right back to what excited us about it to begin with.  In this case, it can be this movie, a particular book on mindfulness (Thich has written a lot of them!), or anything that gets us in the right mindset and speaks our language.

What does staying in the present moment really mean when it comes to narcissistic abuse?


It means seeing everything in life with new eyes.  It means seeing the world through the lens of kindness and understanding, whether it's your mother's behavior, or the clerk at the grocery store who's having bad a day, or the person staring back at you in the mirror.  It means being fully present for conversations, whereas usually you'd only be half-listening, thinking about your grocery list for later, or what someone said last week, or what you'll make for dinner later.  It means you'll be fully present for your life instead of living in your head elsewhere.

When it comes to dealing with narcissists, it means seeing further than your own pain and hurt, rather than letting them put you in a tailspin of emotions.  You can't have an overly emotional reaction when you're staying in the present.  While you can feel anger rising, you can bring your awareness back to your breathing rather than giving into your mind wandering to past hurts which then makes your anger even bigger, until it's so out of control that you say or do something that creates chaos, rather than peace.  Your breathing is the only thing that matters.  Not what your mother is saying.  Or what others around you are doing.  Just your breathing.  Just calm.  Just peaceful. 

Buddhists believe that the path to non-suffering includes both mindfulness and the practice of non-attachment.  Using both can help us not only let go of how our mother's treat us, but also how they've treated us in the past.

Does this mean forgiving them?


No.  Instead it almost means the opposite.  Rather than forgiving our mothers, we can just not care anymore about what they do or say or how they act.  Why?  Because what matters is the present moment.  If they are treating us badly, we can bring our attention back to our breathing (which is the basis for mindfulness to begin with), and on our in breaths, we recognize our anger, and on our out breaths, we can let that anger go.  Then we can react calmly or leave, if necessary.

If you're like me, then your mother's behavior can spark a negative reaction in you (like anger), but with mindful breathing, which leads to "right thinking" (meaning thoughts of detachment, kindness, and helpfulness), which then leads to a sense of peacefulness, even in the face of someone screaming at you (although if you're in danger, you should leave).  Think of a small child throwing a temper tantrum. They are ranting, raving, and screaming like a lunatic, and you're just standing there thinking "Awww, you poor thing, you must feel so bad inside, but I am not going to give in to give you what you want just because you're having a tantrum," then you can understand what I mean.  If you can just breathe into your anger and detach from their behavior (meaning you don't take it personally--think of Don Miguel Ruiz's first agreement), then you can find peace in the chaos.

Non-attachment/detachment in the terms of narcissistic abuse, means to let go of your need to take things personally.  It's perfectly normal to take a narc's behavior inward, especially when it's directed at you, personally.  But just because it's normal doesn't mean it's healthy or right.  Changing from an attachment mindset to a non-attachment mindset is NOT easy.  I know, because I still haven't mastered this.  I can do it sometimes, but others?  Not so much.  And when it's piled on you, there's a definite breaking point.  But, if you can work towards detaching from their behavior a majority of the time, then you're definitely doing better than most of us.

How do I detach?


You first realize that how others treat you has nothing to do with you at all.  It never has, it never will.  If you want to become well-versed on this idea, then check out the books "The Voice of Knowledge" and "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz.  Both are great, but I prefer the first one.  It literally changed my life.  Well, for a period of time...like I said earlier, in order to stay in the mindset you want to change to, you have to reread or rewatch what changed your mind to begin with.  That book changed my life AND changed the life of those around me (because I treated them better after reading it).  I learned to stop getting angry when someone offends me.  I learned that how other people act has to do with how they feel, what their past experiences are that they are applying to the particular situation, and how other people have treated them.  They are the stars of their movies, and we are the supporting actors.

Just remember this:

Hurt people hurt people.  And healed people use kindness.  

If someone is hurting you, they are hurting inside.  That doesn't make it okay to hurt you.  But it does make it not about you anymore and all about them.

Here is a great Buddhist story I read once (I can't find where it was printed):

A Buddhist monk started hanging around this guy.  And the guy found the monk so peaceful and light and happy, that he became a monk, too.  The guy's cousin was baffled by his choice to be a monk and got super angry and upset.  He came to the monk and screamed at him, called him names and used profanity at him.  The monk just smiled.  This made him even angrier and screamed at the monk "Why are you smiling?!"  The monk, as peaceful as ever said "I refuse to accept your gift of anger.  And that means you have to take it back."  

 If you refuse to take on your abuser's suffering (you do this by not letting them make you suffer), then they have to take it back.  And you refuse to take on their suffering by remembering that their behavior has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them.  Even if they are screaming profanities at you, calling you names, or saying hurtful things, it still has nothing to do with you.  Narcissists project their own suffering onto others.  So just know what they say about you, they actually feel about themselves.  In actuality, everyone does this.  We don't inflict pain on other unless we, ourselves, are feeling pain.  We are trying to ease our pain by giving it someone else.  And if they refuse to take it, we end up feeling worse, because we have to take it back.  Not that we want people to feel worse about themselves by giving them back their gifts of anger, abuse or suffering, but we do not need to accept those gifts if we want to stop our own suffering.  Eventually, our abusers (like the bullies that they are), will learn we are not easy targets anymore and may possibly leave us alone.

Or they may not.  They may get worse.  But if you learn to become mindful in your daily life, then you can eventually escape the abuse, even if you're still in the middle of it.

Here are some great books on the subject (that I suggest looking at after you watch the documentary):


  • Good Citizens by Thich Nhat Hanh (a wonderful primer on Buddhist philosophies)
  • Peace is Every Step (same author)
  • Pebbles on the Road and Reflections on the River by Stephen Cassettari
  • Buddhism for Dummies

If you have any suggestions for movies or books to read on this subject, please share them below :)  I am always on the lookout for excellent material to read and watch 😊


This is a tale of narcissistic abuse by someone I just met (who I happened to be blood related to) and how I should have listened to my gut before I let myself get involved with them.

And this is the tale of the fastest anyone has ever shown me their true colors that I've ever met.  Usually we humans have this setting that keeps us from being "real" with people we just meet, knowing that being on our best behavior is the best way to make an impression.  Not only that, we just don't feel comfortable "letting loose" all our issues on people we've just met.  Deep down we realize that new people do not deserve for us to be our assholiest selves.  We reserve those parts of ourselves for those we do not fear losing.  It's how human relationships work and why they work.  If we pull back the curtain the moment we meet, everyone would walk away from us immediately.

Unfortunately, for us, we had to stay involved with this person in real life for three weeks.  Not because we wanted to stay for three weeks, it was because we had nowhere else to go.  Had we felt we had a choice, we never would have went in the first place.

Let's start at the beginning.

I got a DNA test from Ancestry.com back in 2017.  I am adopted, so I thought this would be a great way to discover my heritage.  I was in no way looking for my birthfather (I already know my birthmother).  But as soon as I did the test, out pops all these family members who were not related to my birthmother.  And lo and behold, I found my half-sister (also adopted, also searching for her birthfather), my half-brother, some second cousins and the like.  So through all of these people's family trees and some sleuthing, I found his name.  So I searched his name online and found a list of other family members.  So I googled them, and found them on Facebook.  I contacted one, Yonne, found out she's my first cousin, who then put me in touch with another first cousin, Mindy.

So we all three were talking and I shit you not, within the first week of talking to both of them, I said "These two are both fucking narcissistic!!"  One more than the other, but I started to ignore them both because I could tell they weren't going do anything but bring misery into my life.

But then I wanted to talk to them about my birthfather's behavior.  He was erratic, paranoid, delusional, and constantly changed his stories.  I couldn't tell if it was dementia, narcissism, or some other mental illness.  So I started talking to one of them about him.  My half-sister was delusional herself, believing all of his tall tales and didn't want to hear me have issues about him.  My cousin was somewhat the same.  But then she started to see I was right (mostly because he was triangulating with me, my half-sister, and my cousin and always told us three different stories of the same things...it was awful!).

So eventually, I had to stop talking to my birthfather, as he was getting very possessive over my time and was very paranoid about what I was doing when I wasn't talking to him (accusing me of all sorts of things).  Our entire relationship lasted around two months.  But my cousin's and I's relationship went on.  It was fine as long as we were online (for the most part).  On the phone it was another thing.  I could never get a word in edgewise.  She rambled on the phone for 2-3 hours straight and never let me talk.  EVER.  Just like my birthfather (who's a paranoid delusional narcissist).  It's funny, she complained her uncle (my birthfather) did that, but she's just as bad, if not worse, and she has no idea she does it at all (so aggravating!).

She called herself an artist, which I was happy to see maybe it ran in that side of my family too.  But then I found out she was just saying that to relate to me and all she did was buy old lamps and hot glue fabric to the shades.  Not that that's not art, it was the way she presented herself as this HUGE artsty person, who loved to create things all the time.  She didn't.  She literally just did it a couple times and that was it.  I found that odd, but ignored it.  We even created an art group for the both of us to share our art in, but all her posts were of FB Marketplace items she wanted to buy.  That was it.  I would share art links to projects I'd want to try and pics of my own art, and she didn't understand any of it (or ignored it).  Or she'd make stupid comments about what I posted.  She even had all her family believing art was her thing, because they'd talk to me and say "Mindy loves art so much!  I see why her daughter is an amazing artist!"  Yet they never really saw any of her art.  Her five year old was an amazing artist, and Mindy loved to take credit for it.  She NEVER draws with her daughter, NEVER.  She just plays on her phone and ignores her kids all day long.  But she'll have everyone believing she's responsible for why her kid is so good at art (sound familiar?? total narc move!).

She also loves to hype you up about shit and then never speak of it again or if you do bring it up, she pretends to not know what you're talking about.  Or she changes her mind 50x a week.  "I want to run a single mother commune!"  "Now I want to be a daycare provider!"  "Now I want to illustrate a series of children's books and have you write them!"  I wrote a children's book, sent it to her illustrate, and she pretended to not know what I was talking about.  Now she's settled on being a travelling poker dealer.  This is her new scheme.  She always has a new scheme.  But once she decided on becoming a poker dealer, she ended any scheme that once involved me (and pretended like those ones never happened).

So then comes my birthday, she makes a huge promise to send me a big 'ol box of stuff.  She keeps saying she's making me stuff and putting it into the box.  I get excited.  I should not have gotten existed.  Because I get the box.  I open the box.  And LITERALLY it's full of stinky garbage.  For real, it smelled like she dumped her cigarettes in it, shut it, reopened it to put something that's molding into it, shut it again, and then filled it with broken garbage.  Like literal shit she should have thrown away but forgot the box was for my birthday and used it as a garbage can.  Then she sealed it.  She brought it to work (at UPS), and spent GOOD MONEY on sending it. 

Let me say this again: SHE SPENT HER HARD EARNED MONEY AS A SINGLE MOTHER (something she never lets you forget about her...she's a "single mom doing it all"--lies, as she has TONS of help, even more than I did as a married mother) TO SEND ME A BOX OF GARBAGE IN THE MAIL FOR MY BIRTHDAY.

 What in the actual fuck? 

I had people telling me "Just give her a chance, maybe she didn't realize it?"  So I gave her benefit of the doubt, to a point...and let it go.  But why?  Why didn't I see it in that moment?  Because I ended up putting my family in the pit of hell by not doing so.  I ruined all of our lives.  Had I just listened to my instincts, had I realized that it was as bad I thought it was, none of this would have happened.

So she was always complaining about how her life sucked and she doesn't want to pay the bills she's paying anymore, and she doesn't want to work a stupid job for low pay and pay $700 in rent for a dinky apartment, blah blah blah.  

 So she comes up with the mother of all ideas: 

She wants to move in with her dad in Willow Springs, Missouri, in the Ozarks, on 20 acres of land, and we should come with.  We live 500 miles away.  And we are supposed to quit our jobs, pack up our house and move in to the house next door to her father on his land.

The only issue is that the house next door to her dad is occupied.  She was in the middle of evicting the woman and she would be gone soon.  So as soon as they can get her out, we can all move down there: no rent to pay, just some water and electricity bills.

My husband had recently lost his job.  He had found a new one, at significantly less pay, and we were drowning in debt and could not afford where we lived anymore.  But we were getting by.  She saw our desperation and latched on, and decided to exploit our situation to her benefit.  At first, I didn't realize that's what she was doing.  At first I thought she wanted to live by us and we'd have all our family together (which is literally what she said tons of times...like "I can't wait for Thanksgiving!  I'll be able to spend it with family!" etc.).  But then, as time went on, she changed her mind about coming (first it was the winter, then next summer, etc.).  Then I found out that the place we were moving to needed a whole new water line put in for us to live there.  A total of $3,000 of money we didn't have.  I've always wondered if she didn't tell us about that to begin with so we could pay for it, then she'd kick us out.  And then she kept moving the time back for her to move in, until it became "never".  Then I found out she was telling her sisters that we were moving in to take care of her father.  Something I never agreed to nor was asked to do.  (I found this out after it was all over.)

While we were waiting to move, Mindy kept coming up with ideas about the "businesses we were going to start together" once we got there.  NONE of which were my ideas.  Any of my ideas were ignored.  All of her ideas were insane (her craziest one was a strip club called "Daddy Issues").  Most of her ideas would start out normal and fine, and then she'd add more and more and more until the idea became 100% undoable, and I'd be the one left telling her how insane the idea had become.  She'd never figure it out herself.  It became quite uncomfortable always having to say "That's just too much, Mindy".  She seemed to be the poster girl for self-sabotage.

Then came the one sentence that I should have heard loud and clear and stopped this whole process.  But were desperate, and she knew that, so we ignored it and kept moving forward.  She said:

 "I KNEW if I were to have another me around, I'd be UNSTOPPABLE!"  

She meant me.  I said to my husband "She sees me as an extension of herself, not someone with her own ideas and dreams."  But, we were still desperate to get out of our wretched financial difficulties, so we continued with the plan.

Every single red light flashed in our faces.  Every single one.  But we played the denial game, desperate to just get there, and fix it from there.  We had hopes and dreams for living in the woods.  It was everything we'd ever wanted, for shit's sake!  We could deal with her once we got there!  Right?

Wrong.  So very, very wrong.

Finally, the woman on her dad's property was evicted.  We packed up our house.  Rented a uhaul.  And off we went.  After almost 10 hours, we get there after midnight.  And we pull up, get out of the car, get into the house, only to see that the house was completely destroyed.  And when I mean destroyed, I mean someone took a bat or a sledgehammer, and bashed everything in.   They broke the floors, the windows, the walls, the cabinets, and everything else.  There's garbage everywhere.  Cockroaches farther than the eye can see.  Every single electrical wire has been ripped out of the walls.  It wasn't salvageable, it needed to be demolished.

And the thing is, Mindy had just bragged about how it was "spic and span", and how the girl who lived there cleaned the shit out of it.  And how it looked "so perfect!".

Come to find out, Mindy hadn't set foot in there in a year.  And her father was the one who said it was so clean, and he was completely lying.  Actually, I doubt he was lying, I think he told Mindy the truth and Mindy lied about it, so we would still come.

It feels humiliating to be duped like this.  It feels like a huge betrayal.  A slap in the face.  A kick in the stomach.  A stab in the back.  That night was horrible, trying to make sense of the entire thing, not able to sleep a wink.  But that's not even the worst part.  We could have turned around and went back home and we'd all still have a place to live, a car, and so much more.  But when we finally got a hold of her the next day, she convinced us to come live with her.  Something she'd been bugging me about doing for months.  Something I kept telling her no to, because she has 2 kids, 2 pets, and live in a 2 bedroom apt.  How would she fit a family of four, with four dogs and four cats?

But she begged us and we listened.

Another very, very wrong move.

Now, I am not religious person, but I am convinced the devil is a woman and her name is Mindy (not her real name, but close enough).   We went from being homeless to living in the pit of hell.


I now look back at pictures of those times and feelings of panic arise in my stomach and head.  I shake a little and get a tad dizzy.  My stomach starts to get knots in it.  I've tried hard to remember that I am not going back there and I will never have to go back there again.  But just like with any trauma, when you first leave, you're always looking over your shoulder, feeling like one wrong move will send you back there.  I know logically there will never be a reason to go back, but still, the fear is there, creeping around the deep parts of my mind.

Living with my mother for so much of my life has put me in the position to know what it's like to not want to do anything on a daily basis.  To be a lump, in fear of making the wrong choice and to have her get on my case about it.  My mother loves to brag that I never did anything with my life (is that really bragging?  she acts like it is...), but she made it that way: I have a fear of succeeding and a fear of failure, because nothing I do is good enough for her, so I do nothing.  Easiest way to not get judged, picked on, tore down, or hurt if you don't do anything for people to talk about, right?  But then they talk about how you don't do anything.  But living with my mother is as easy as taking a nap in church compared to living with my cousin.  And that's why we're back here.  Because I'd rather live with the woman I went no contact with for over a year than live anywhere near that psychopath I'd like to forget that is my blood-related first cousin.

So we moved in with Mindy, and I again, became a lump.  Why?  Because every choice I made: from what I wore: "Oh, you're wearing that shirt? Okay...", to what kind of milk I bought or what kind of tortilla chips I bought to every other choice I made.  Imagine someone walking behind and you and making comments on every little thing you did, said, watched, or bought.  Imagine this person then would go to work, text you all day to get on your case about stuff, and then get home from work and go straight to her room, leaving you to walk her dog, feed her cat, and watch her kids until you went to bed many of those days (a nice break from the constant nagging---is nagging even the word for what she did? I feel that's much too nice of a word, it was more like nit-picking, hypercritical, griping, whining, belittling, disparaging, derogatory bullshit).  She never says thank you, never asks if it's okay, and never once says she's sorry about the entire situation, that SHE caused to have happen in the first place (well, minus our part in trusting her).

Then our car breaks down beyond repair.  And now we're stuck HAVING to put up with her nagging and her using us.  We had no way to get anywhere, and while we tried to apply for jobs along the bus lines, nobody was hiring.  And we were stuck having to use her car, in which she constantly bitched about that, too.

Living like that was hell.  And let's add in the fact that she gags.  Constantly.  Over everything (like brushing her teeth).  Like hardcore gagging.  I have a phobia of vomit, so this made me horribly sick the entire time I was there.  Not to mention we all got a severe adenovirus, which made us all actually sick for four entire weeks, three of which were with her).  We were also bleeding money living with her, as she paid for nothing.  I had to buy all the groceries and cook every single night (on top of being very sick) minus two nights she was manic and cooked all the food I bought, so I'd have to go shopping again.

I have horrible anxiety, due to narcissistic abuse, and I was right back in Satan's lair, dealing with a constant barrage of daily abuse, so every single moment I was stuck in this second guessing of every little thing I did or would say, until I did and said nothing.  I, once again, became a lump.  A neurotic, anxious lump.

Then we were evicted from her apartment, with her telling her landlord that we just showed up and took over everything.  So he yelled at us and evicted us.  We tried to set him straight, but he had a thing for my nasty cousin, so he wouldn't listen.  We had no car.  Nowhere to live.  I was happy to leave, but with no place to live, I was freaking the hell out.  She refused to stand up for us and move somewhere else with us (which is what she kept promising to do, which is what I would have done if the situation were reversed) and we were left on our own.  We found a way to rent a car, and went back to our hometown, having to break down and contact my mother's landlord to let us move in above her.  And luckily, he said yes.  We ONLY have a place to live due to the kindness of that man.  Otherwise we'd be stuck in Missouri, living in a box with our eight pets, and four humans.

I was distraught and completely freaking out.  The idea of losing all our beloved animals made me like I was going to literally lose my fucking mind.  We used to live a house that could fit us all.  It wasn't like we had too many pets.  And we were planning on moving to a place with 20 acres of land, which was more than enough space for them.  But now?  We didn't even have a car to live out of.  We had no way to protect them or house them.

So to have a place to live, while it's not idea living an apartment with four dogs, it's better than what we were faced with.  And our apartment is beautiful and the perfect size for us at the moment.

While everything is turning out better than we thought it was going to, we still aren't exactly where I'd like to be.  But then again, we are out of the grips of my cousin's control, so even though we still have no car, we aren't worse off.  And that's an amazing thing in my book.  And no matter how much we don't have right now, how the clothes we did bring with us have started falling apart, and how we still don't have the money for certain things, the one thing that brings me up again after feeling down about everything is "At least we do not live with Mindy anymore." 

And at least we don't have hear these wonderful little tidbits out of her mouth anymore, either:

"Oh, everyone loves me. I am just so nice!"
"I'm like the best at my job, even though I just started there. I mean, I figured out how to open the store without anyone telling me how to do it!  I am so good everything I do!"

"I am the smartest person I know. I mean, besides you, but we're related, so it just runs in our family!"

"What do you mean you're surprised I still talk to her? (referring to her stepmother who used to starve her when she was a child for not calling her "mommy") I would do anything for anyone and I'm the nicest person I know. Of course I still talk to her!"
"Chorky (her sidepiece that's a lawyer) said that my life should be a book. He said he'd pay me an entire year's worth of living expenses for me to take the time to write an autobiography. For real, it needs to be written, I should totally do it. My life is so interesting!"
"I don't see color. When a black woman came into work I was describing her to a coworker and I said 'Oh that tall woman, who was wearing that purple shirt' and my coworker said 'Oh, the black woman?' I replied 'Yeah, I guess she was black.' I don't even notice these things! Nobody better ever call me racist because I would laugh so hard because I am least racist person I know!"
"Get away from me, you big black asshole!" (she said to my black lab when he was trying to give her kisses, right after HER dog was giving her kisses)
"I am so giving. I would do anything for anyone!" (she said this quite regularly, as if she was trying to convince herself more than us)
"I am the least judgmental person in the universe. I mean, I hate people who judge others. If you notice, those people have the most things you can judge about them." (and yet she judged every single person she saw, especially fat people, whom she freaked out about and says they all smell like cheese....and she LOVES to judge other people's children, calling them stupid and retarded and assholes)

I should haven known it would have ended this way.  I should have not believed her when she said the place we were moving to was habitable, or that it was nice and gorgeous, or anything good (the land looked like a bunch of meth heads lived there).  I should have seen the signs (we did, but we ignored them for promise of a better life).  I should have listened to that little voice that was screaming inside of me that yelled "NO!  DON'T DO IT!  SHE'S FULL OF SHIT!  THIS WON'T END WELL!"  I thought I was in control of my own destiny.  We all felt that way.  We thought we were finally taking a leap towards the life we wanted.  And instead, we became homeless, lost our car, and everything we owned (did I mention we had to rent a car to come back and leave everything we owned behind 500 miles away?  It's still there....).

We came back to our hometown with nothing but the clothes on our backs, a couple of items of clothes that fit into a bag, and our pets...minus two.  We had to leave two of our cats behind, because we had nowhere to put them in the teeny car we rented.  And renting the car was a clusterfuck of an experience, because our credit cards were maxed out, so we had to get my cousin to use her debit card (they wouldn't let us use ours since our licenses weren't from Missouri) and we had to put all the money in her bank and it wouldn't go through, blah blah blah.  Nervewracking was not the word for it...more like terrified of being stuck in a city that was trying desperately to strip of our entire lives.  And with a person who was trying to put me in the mental ward.

We came from a spacious four bedroom house with a fenced in yard, with a garage and a driveway and a screened in front porch, in which I had a HUGE art studio next to my bedroom.  We had space for our pets and ourselves with room to spare.  We gave that up for a supposed better life on a gorgeous 20-acre wooded lot in the Ozarks.  This is how it was described to us.  We walked away from everything we knew and didn't realize we loved.  All on one woman's promise that it was a habitable space with a gorgeous view.  All because we chose to trust a family member (which we all know doesn't mean jack shit).  All because we thought we were doing the right thing.

I am definitely learned a lesson after all of this.  I refuse to ever trust anyone ever again just on their word.  I need proof.  I need visual confirmation of whatever a person is telling me, or else I refuse to believe it.  There are too many lying narcissists in this world to believe anyone anymore.  It would had been different had she apologized, or taken some responsibility, but when I told her I was upset she hadn't done so yet, she called me names and said I was ungrateful.  She only housed us (and took advantage of us while she did) because she was cleaning up a mess she made.  She literally did the least amount possible any human being could do.  Fuck family.  I am done looking for family.  Let people search me out instead.  I am just so tired of this.  Being adopted and coming from a toxic abusive narcissistic adoptive family, I have searched for so long for blood relatives that would be like actual family.  And while I've found a few who are good people, I wouldn't say we are close.  But I am done with that.  I am done reaching out.  I am done searching.  I found what I needed.  It wasn't what I wanted to find, but I found it nonetheless.  And I am grateful for the experience I suppose.  It's always better to know than to not know.

What I learned from this whole ordeal is that all I need is what I already have.  And this goes for all of 2018, not just The Mindy Experience.  This is it.  And it's enough.  I am working to become whole without the desperate search for what I'll never get.  And I need to be okay with that. 

I think the worst part was that I let myself believe she had our best interests at heart.  That she really cared about me and my family.  That her and I did somewhat connect on some level, and that deep down inside she was just messy, not a narcissist.  That somehow I was overreacting.  It wasn't until I met her, that I realized she was one of the worst ones I've ever met.  It hurt lose someone, yet again, that you thought may have been real. 

It's funny, you think you're over something, that you've moved on and past certain needs or issues, and then people come along and BAM!  You're right in the thick of it again.  Well, enough lessons were learned this year that I think I'm good now.  I am ready for 2019 to be the year of wholeness instead of letting all these hungry wolves try and rip me apart.  My eye doctor once told me that the parts of our eye where a laser has fixed rips and tears are now the strongest parts.  Well, if we can apply that to the rest of our lives, once these wounds heal, I'm going to be stronger than I ever have been.  My whole family will be.

And as long as I never have to see that particular Devil again, I will be very, very happy 😊




(I will say, I also know what it's like to live with people who are scarier than her...I've lived with physical abuse and horrendous emotional abuse before, so I do know what it's like to have it worse.  So while what we went through isn't the worst abuse one can go through, what I am talking about here is the fact that the "pit of hell" for me, at this time, looked like this.  A pit of hell for you may be completely different.  Could it have been worse?  Oh hell yes.  But it was bad enough and I never want anything like that to happen to me or my family again.  It was horrifying and we were mere minutes away from living on a box on the street.  Something I never ever want to experience ever again.)



Let me be your cautionary tale, ladies and gents.  Let me be the example by which you don't make the same mistakes as me.

Because breaking no contact after over a year has passed, is NOT the way to go.  THEY DO NOT CHANGE.

Let me repeat that:

THEY DO NOT CHANGE.

A month ago my family and I became homeless and needed a place to live.  And I had to break down and call my mother to see if the flat above her was rentable and to find the number of the landlord.  She gave me the number and he said yes.  Right before all this, our only car also broke down.  So we had to rent a car to get from a different state to get back home (yes, we moved out of state...mostly get away from her and this neighborhood) and so we moved in, without a car to use.  We had to find jobs, as well, and now my mother lets my husband use her car to get to work.

*sigh*

THIS IS NOT WHAT WE WANTED FOR OUR LIVES.

I was finally healing from all of her abuse.  I was finally getting to the point of maybe being able to forgive her.  I was ready to move on.  But then all this happened.

No, our situation didn't happen 100% by accident...we chose to move away.  That was our choice.  It was a good choice at the time, as we were drowning in debt and could not afford the place we were living in anymore.  My husband lost his job and had to take a new one at substantially less pay.  And we were down to one car, which was on its way out (we were sinking serious $$ into it).  So we were offered a chance to move to a place in the middle of the Ozarks, on 20 acres of wooded land.  It sounded like a dream!!  Then we got there, and the place we were moving into turned out to be destroyed.  We had NOWHERE to live.  Nowhere to go.  We should have turned right around and came back.  But, we were promised by my cousin (who turned out to be a bigger narcissist than my mother!) that she'd take care of it.  So we stayed.  Wrong choice to my trust into a family member (a family known for its high amounts of narcissism).  We were then ejected from her apt. because it was against her lease to have us there (which she should have realized, but we were promised it was fine).  So we became homeless, with four dogs and four people and a couple cats.  No car.  Nothing.  So it ended up that our only choice was to call my mother.

Believe me, we tried EVERYTHING to find somewhere to live before having to do that.  But if I hadn't have done it, we'd be stuck down south with no home, no car, no jobs, nothing.  What would we have done??  There was literally no other choice.

After we moved in, my mother asked me "If you hadn't had lost your home, would you have talked to me again?"  My answer was "yes, eventually".  But in reality, I probably would not have.  I finally let all of this go.  After going no contact, I was leaving all my hurt and pain behind with her and working towards the goal of detachment and healing.  And then this happened.  But I had to lie.  What else could I say?

But now since she has control of us again, she's always complaining, always bitching (to me and about me to others, I can hear every word she says down in her flat...she's loud af), and lying to me.  And now, I've found out, she's telling everyone I'm bipolar, because her therapist diagnosed me as that, because of the letters I've written to her.  Which I find wholly irresponsible on her therapist's part, but then again, different therapists of mine in the past have said things about my mother, too, so I guess it's a normal thing to do.

Let me be honest here: I am pretty mean when I write my mother letters.  But there's a reason why.  See, like most of you, I am unable to express my discomfort, anger, sadness, hurt, or anything to my mother.  If I do, I will be punished, reprimanded, ignored, or insulted.  So I keep my mouth shut.  Until I explode.

It's not healthy.  I know this.  I need to work on this, but how can I with her, when I am never in a position to be free of her control??  How can I stand up for myself when if I do, she will take away something from my family that will hurt us beyond anything (which is my hubby getting rides to work)?  How can I hurt my own family for the sake my own feelings?  That's not what parents do.  I know my mother has lived her life that way, letting whatever she feels in the moment dictate everyone else's lives.  But I am not her.  I can't choose to live like that.

Living here, by her, is not healthy for me at all.  But it's a warm house, with somewhere to cook our food, and a place to sleep (a place to call home, for now), so I can endure her bullshit for a little bit longer until we have our own car.

I am so mixed up and confused.  And angry.  And hurt.  And sad.  Why?  I thought I was past all this.  I thought it was over.  I thought I was healing.  Apparently being thrown right back into the same chaos you were fighting to run away from doesn't really do anything for healing and will bring you right back into the mindset you were before you left.

Which is why I say, that if you have a choice to stay no contact?  DO IT.  Because this?  Is not a healthy thing to endure.  For anyone.  So do not go back unless you absolutely have to.

My mother is spreading lies about me every single day, telling all the neighbors that I never take my dogs out (which I do several times a day) and making them suffer to wait until my husband gets home (total bullshit), that her therapist says I am bipolar and I need to get mental help and on meds so I can fix my behavior (I don't even know what to say to this one....but whatever), that I refuse to apologize to her about my absence from her life (she even told her therapist this, which is bullshit, because a-I apologized the day after getting here, I said "I am sorry I handled things the way I did", and b-why should I apologize for walking away from my abuser? but that's a narcissist for ya!), and other various things that she's taking from my life and warping it to fit her narrative that I am the bad guy here.

Not to mention the constant being rude to me, yelling at me and then acting like it was a joke, the manipulations and an incessant need for control with everything we do ("Your children HAVE to take the garbage out on Sundays!" yet the garbage doesn't pick up until Tuesdays....), these are the types of things you'd have to deal with by going back, and probably even worse, depending on your mother.

So if you can help it, do not break no contact.  Just don't do it, no matter how much you may want to.  Because you'll soon learn that they never change.  Ever.  And if they do, it's all for show.  Because a narcissist doesn't do anything without a motive.

If you are finding being no contact is causing you guilt or sadness, just stick with it, and I promise, it gets sooooo much better.  And eventually, you may even be able to heal from her abuse.  But if you go back, it will start all over again, and you'll have to add on all of that to heal from, too.  It's not worth it.

Right now, what's making me the most sad?  Is that my mother can't just be my mother.  I just want her to love me like a mother should, but I do not have that and never will.  When you're away from it, you don't need it as much.  But when you're looking her in the face, you're subconsciously (or consciously) thinking "Why can't you just love me?"  I am reminded once again that I do not have an actual mother.  I am reminded once again she doesn't love me or care about me.  I am just another pawn in her game.  So much pain in this world is caused by a child not being loved properly (and by properly, I mean pretty much at all) by their parents.  And I have to work hard every single moment of the day to make sure that pain doesn't cause me to cause any more pain in this world.  I sometimes fail at this, but I keep trying.  I just wish I wasn't as broken because of her.  I wish she would have loved me the way a mother is supposed to love a child.  I am just glad I do not treat my kids the way she treats me, the way your mothers out there treat you all.  I can't even fathom doing or saying the things she does.

But deep down inside, her behavior still insanely hurts, because I just want her to love me.

And she just doesn't.






This is based on the table in the book "The Child Within" by Charles L. Whitfield, MD, with some extra items listed.  It's a list of all the different types of abuse a child and/or an adult can suffer at the hands of a narcissist. 


Table of Narcissistic Abuse: 


  • Shaming
  • Physical
  • Sexual
  • Financial (controlling you with money)
  • Abandonment
  • Neglect
  • Humiliation
  • Degrading you (alone or in front of others)
  • Ignoring your needs (denying you food, or access to medical attention, not allowing you to have blankets when cold, or menstrual products when needed, allowing you to be bullied or abused by someone else, etc.)
  • Inflicting Guilt
  • Criticizing
  • Disgracing
  • Joking about
  • Laughing at
  • Teasing
  • Manipulation
  • Deceiving
  • Tricking
  • Betraying
  • Blaming
  • Isolating
  • Being cruel
  • Belittling
  • Intimidating
  • Patronizing
  • Threatening
  • Inflicting fear
  • Overpowering
  • Bullying
  • Controlling
  • Gaslighting (rewriting history to make you feel crazy or stupid)
  • Spying on you (keeping tabs)
  • Stalking (which is more than spying, but includes spying)
  • Doesn't let you have privacy
  • Limiting
  • Withdrawing
  • Withholding love
  • Not taking seriously
  • Discrediting
  • Invalidating
  • Disapproving
  • Lies about you to others (telling them you're crazy, or other negative things)
  • Minimizing feelings, wants, or needs
  • Breaking promises
  • Starts rumors about you
  • Tells others your business, sometimes in front of you, but usually behind your back
  • Raising hopes falsely
  • Being inconsistent in responding
  • Making vague demands
  • Stifling
  • Denying your pain, anger, sadness, etc.
  • Saying "If only you were more/less....."
  • "You should be better/difference/etc."
  • Rigidity
  • Chaotic (either sometimes, or all the time)
  • Getting angry if you spill family secrets (like her abusive behavior, etc.)

Is there anything on this list that you recognize?  Anything that jogs your memory?  Anything to add to this list?  If so, feel free to share it below.  


Here are some good links to check out that talk more about different types of abuse:








When you are in an abusive situation and you want to walk away, you're always waiting for that “one big blowout”. The thing that will justify you leaving. The one thing you can look back on and not question your choice down the line. And that way your abuser can't question your choice to leave either. It's blatant. A+B=C. A is your abuser. B is the the Big Blowout which brings you to C, your leaving. It's a simple formula. Right?

The thing is, we get so accustomed to the abuse, whether it be verbal, physical, or otherwise, that the little stuff that normal people on the outside would see as pretty bad, we see as no big deal. And eventually the bigger stuff becomes no big deal either. And then, the one thing that should be B, comes and goes and we just don't even realize it's happened or we make excuses as though B wasn't something they meant to do...they were just tired, hungry, stressed, etc.

I am here to tell you that B isn't coming. Despite how much you want B to happen, it's just not going to. Whether it be fate messing with us to see if we're strong enough to walk away without B or if B did happen, and we just ignored it (or made excuses for it, etc.). Either way, B? Isn't a real ideal. It's something we made up in our heads so feel like we have a plan. It makes us feel less helpless.

The formula should be this:

A=C

Abuse = Leaving

You don't need a grand exit. No matter how much you think you do. You can leave at any time. Sometimes B is just you packing a bag and leaving quietly in the middle of the night for no reason whatsoever (well, no BIG blowout reason—abuse is always a reason, even if the abuse isn't happening right now).

I did this with both my abusive ex-husband and my mother. I left over several B's happening during the course of my last marriage. But I always went back. When I did finally leave, it wasn't over anything. I just left. He called me and asked when I was coming come. I said, with horrible amounts of anxiety, I wasn't. He freaked out. I said I was done and nothing could change my mind. He tried to woo me by being a wonderful father to our children for the period of one month. But when that didn't work, he stopped cold turkey. All of a sudden, his children didn't exist. And if I wasn't coming back, there was no reason to be nice to either me or the kids anymore. I didn't question my choice, unlike the million times before when I'd leave (although he never knew I tried to leave him so many times), this time I was secure in my choice and even though there was no B, I knew I didn't love him and he was toxic to both me and my children.

Coming to this conclusion wasn't easy for me.  We'd been together for seven years and being with him felt comfortable, even if it was usually uncomfortable (you eventually become comfortable in your uncomfortableness).  But over and over again, his abuse eventually wore me down to the point I just couldn't do it anymore.  So when I did finally leave him, I was resolved in my choice, no matter how how hard living without him became. 

When I went no contact with my mother, I did question my choice, over and over again. I felt guilty, horrible even. I felt like I was a kid doing something bad and I was going to be punished for it. I kept thinking “If I go back to her now, she may forgive me". But I reminded myself of her abuse and that kept me strong. I'd say what the catalyst was for going NC with her was trivial compared to her other stunts. Outsiders may see what she did as insane, standing on a busy street, screaming into my house, pounding on all my windows, all because she wanted a ride to the grocery store. It was a childish act of control desperation (she desperately wanted control of her own life). But she's done worse, way worse, and to me, that was just her usual temper tantrum. That wasn't the reason I went NC, it was the catalyst. She, being who she is, thought that I stopped talking to her because she did that. She doesn't have the capability to see it was so much more than that. Mainly, because narcissists don't see their own flaws or their own misdeeds. That's why I chose that catalyst. Because had she done something horrible (like physically assault me, like she has in the past), it wouldn't have made a difference with her. Hitting me, to her, isn't a big deal. Neither is pounding on my windows. So why wait until she hit me again? Why go through that?

Your catalyst can be something a small as a side remark or a put down. Or, maybe it's nothing at all. To the narcissist, they do nothing wrong anyways, so leaving over nothing is no different than leaving over them smacking you or threatening you. Yes, they may apologize when they do something they think in the moment they need to apologize for, but later on? They will say you were making a big deal out of things and it was nothing. In their minds, they are perfect, and you are the scumbag in every single situation. So why wait until B happens? That big blowout? The thing that will prove to everyone, and yourself, and to them, that they deserve to be left?  They already deserve to be left behind. They don't need to do B in order for your leaving to be validated. It's been validated over and over and over again already.

I know you're waiting for B, because then you don't need to muster up much courage to walk away. You need B to get your adrenaline pumping, to turn your pain into rage to replace the courage you don't feel you have. Because leaving is scary. Rage quitting isn't. With rage quitting, all you need is your rage to get you by. There is no confusion with it: you are angry, and your anger is justified, and you've known for a long time you needed to leave and now your rage has seen you through to the other side.

What people don't tell you is that when the rage subsides, you are left in the same exact situation had you left without B happening in the first place. You will be left picking up the broken pieces of your life and figuring out a way to move forward without A in your life anymore.

A large amount of abused people go back to their abusers even after B happens. When the rage subsides, they become fearful they made a mistake. They like how comfortable their lives were with A. Humans are creatures of habit, and we know what to expect from A. We are comfortable there. So we sometimes go back.

My ex-boyfriend in high school, we'll call him Oregano, abused me for two years, from grade 10-12. He did every kind of abuse imaginable to me. And I left him over him calling me names, once again, in art class. So he spent our entire lunch crying and begging me to come back, when I said no, he started berating me, calling me more names and verbally attacking me. I got up and walked away, he jumped up and punched me in the stomach. My rage was justified. While I broke up with him before B happened, B happened anyways. But rather than let my rage over his abuse fuel me to stay away from him, what did I do? Two days later, I was calling him and begging him to take me back. Except, he had already found another girlfriend (they're married now with kids).

Had he said yes, we may be married now. Scary thought.

Rage quitting doesn't work. B doesn't matter. And nothing can make us leave our abusers except us. We have to be strong and remind ourselves over and over again of their abuse so we don't lapse into nostalgic thinking of “how good it was...sometimes” or “how good it could be if we just did things differently this time” or whatever else lies we tell ourselves to cover up the fact that we just crave what we know.

Just remember: I was weak a million times before I was strong.

Having a weak moment and staying with our abuser or going back doesn't mean we're broken or that we're weak people as a whole. It means we crave what we know. Which means we're human. But there will be a point when we realize we are worth so much more than their abuse, and that moment doesn't have to be a B moment. It can be just a quiet revolution that takes place in a moment or a series of moments, that goes unheard and unseen and unnoticed, until we're gone. It's a choice we make, the ultimate choice in self-care and self-love that says “I am worth more than this. I deserve more than this.” You may not even believe those words when you make this choice, but you don't have to. Because by getting away, you will eventually learn those words are true. You just have to make the choice and be willing to tough out the hard parts until the understanding of how much more you're worth than what you've been getting from your abuser comes. It may come immediately, it may take years, but it will happen. And will have all been worth it.

So don't wait for the big blowout. Don't wait for the right moment. It's always the right moment. You just have to make the choice.  It's not an easy choice.  But it's the right choice, and it's worth the hard parts.  You just have be willing to start your own personal revolution which starts with throwing out the trash.  

So ask yourself, is it garbage day yet?  

 


 

We watched this movie today on Amazon Prime.  And wow.  That was on of the best movies I've seen in a long time!  And we watch loads of movies at our house.  Even my kids loved it.  I own her book, but never have read it.  I like watching movies before I read the book so that way nothing ever ruins the book (or the movie) that way.  It was powerful, kind, and everything we children of abusive parents wish for: good times and some very heavy closure.  

Now, I realize, that the book and the movie are not telling us the whole story.  There may be details she didn't want to share or possibly details forgotten throughout the years.  So I am not comparing my own story to hers in a way that is saying she had it better.  Of course she didn't have it better.  She lived her life and had to deal with starving for days at a time and other horrible atrocities, which is something I never had to deal with.  My life was pretty secure when it came to getting our bills paid (sort of), always having food on the table, living in one place for my entire childhood, and having clean clothes and a bed to sleep on.

Her father, like mine, was a very good man deep down inside.  Hers was the opposite of mine when it came to speaking: mine was silent and hardly ever praised me.  Both of our fathers had dealt with childhood trauma (possibly being molested) which they covered up with alcohol.   Her father definitely seemed to be bipolar, whereas mine had major depressive disorder.  Her father was educationally brilliant, mine was musically brilliant.  We both had nicknames they bestowed upon us we carried from childhood to adulthood: hers was Mountain Goat and mine was Bucky.  Both of our fathers physically abused our mothers when inebriated.  Yet her father sounded exactly like my mother when she confronted him about her childhood, almost word for word (which was gaslighting, a narcissistic trait--something her father didn't seem to be), and my father was always so readily able to admit when he did something wrong and apologize.  Although, my father sounded just like hers in that sense, but instead of saying "This is the last time, it will be different from now on" about moving, my father would say it about his violent outbursts when he drank.  And for both us, while our fathers meant it in the moment, they never held to their words.  I don't fault either for this, as our fathers were both good, yet so very flawed, humans, who were both incapable of keeping promises due to their mental illnesses.

We both sat with our fathers as they lay dying.  Her father readily admitted how much he fucked up, whereas mine barely spoke to me.  I watched the movie, with Jeanette's father's deathbed closure and I started really crying, because I wish I would have had the same experience.  But not only that, I cried for her father, because I knew that if he could have done better, he would have.  The way he's portrayed in the movie, you could tell, despite all of his flaws, he really did love his children.  Like, truly and honestly loved them.  He was broken, and didn't know how to fix himself.  He regretted so much because he knew he wouldn't get a do dover and that was it.  It was a fucked up way to have to live.  And this made me think of my own father.  Despite his silence on his deathbed, I knew he regretted it all.  He just wasn't a talker or a person who would open up to anyone.  But his heartfelt notes he left me after every single outburst told me that he knew was regret felt like.  My dad could admit his faults and his love in letters.  He used to write my mother poetry and hundreds of letters when he was in the Airforce.  But she burned them all after he died, as if erasing proof of his love would ease her grief (which didn't work, but the massive amounts of beer she ingested sort of helped).

Her mother was similar to my mother in some ways.  Both were codependent on their alcoholic abusive husbands.  Both were neglectful (in different ways).  Neither one worked.  But beyond that, the similarities stopped.  My mother was very verbally and emotionally abusive.  She wasn't creative in the least (the author's mother is an artist, the type that HAS to create or else they can't function).  And my mother wasn't just codependent, she has NPD, which made my father codependent on her (although he wasn't a narc, just an addict).  The author's mother doesn't seem to have NPD, but again, like I said, many details may have been left out, especially because her mother is still living (or at least was when the movie came out).

Anyone who's grown up in a dysfunctional family should watch this movie (and even people who haven't).  Even if you're not wanting to forgive either or one of your parents, this movie will help you understand mental illness a little bit better. While this story doesn't touch on narcissism, it does help one to see just how much mental damage is caused by a combination of severe mental illness and abuse trauma.  No amount of abuse constitutes them abusing us, obviously, but we can possibly get a clear view of how they eventually got to such a destructive place (esp. if one of your parents doesn't have NPD).

This movie really hit home with my own father, and even though I've already worked through healing from his abuse and completely forgiven him (though, not let him off the hook), this movie helped me heal a little bit more.  I am so glad the author got the closure she did, because not having it can lead to what I went through: not healing for 12 years after his death (year one: shock, year two: pure unadulterated hatred, year three-twelve: numbness).  I know with my mother I will not get closure, (but I don't feel I need it, which I hope will help me in the long run). 

I highly recommend this movie, even if it wasn't completely true to the author's real life (most are not). 

 









One way you can tell if someone is narcissistic (or a narcissist or has NPD), is that they always need an audience.  You don't actually matter to them, only they matter to them.  And you are supposed to be their audience 24/7.  You can tell these people by the fact they rarely ask you about yourself, but will continually make everything be about them.  Or if you do get to talk about yourself, the conversation will veer into how what you're talking about applies to them, or they will just instead talk about themselves on some random idea that's popped into their head, interrupting you.

Usually these types (not all narcs act like this, but people who act like this are narcissists) also are the type that have to be the sickest, the poorest, the best, the worst, the whatever extreme they're going for, just so they can either be the victor, or always the victim.  No matter what is wrong with you, they've had it worse.  Or no matter what someone else has done, they have done it better.  Every single conversation revolves around them in some way, shape, or form.  They are the best parent in the universe who has had it the worst.  Or they are the best child of their parents, yet treated the worst.  They are the smartest person at work, yet the one who gets shat on the most.  They are the nicest person in the world, yet all people treat them like shit.  Not all narcs swing both ways, usually they have a preference for playing the martyr/victim or the victor, but sometimes they jump to the other side if it suits them.

And then they use you like toilet paper.  They will stick with you for a period of time, using up all their supply on you until they tire of your responses, and move on to someone else.  Eventually they can come back to you, but again, after they tire, you won't hear from them for a period of time (can range from a day, to days, to a month or more).  To you it looks like their mood is waxing and waning...being silent for a period of time only to come back to you raring to go...but in reality, they are raring to go with someone else when they're absent from you, and when they're with you, they're absent from that other person (or people).  They always, always need an audience.  Don't forget that, even though they may be leading you to believe you're their only supply.  Most narcs have a stream of suppliers, because they tire so easily of one particular person (though some will continuously use just one person because that one person is their perfect supply, but that's based on the personality of the narc, not the supplier).  You don't even have to do anything wrong, most narcissists just bore easily (could be due to some having ADHD?).


The need for an audience is so strong with some narcs that they do not let you get a word in edgewise.  These types love the sound of their own voice and will talk for as long as you will let them.  This can mean they can talk at you for upwards to three hours or more on the phone, or even more in person.  My mother's cousin once talked for two days straight, with every single person at my mother's house captivated by her stories.  It wasn't literally 48 hours, but two days of visiting for around 8+ hours each.  I don't think anyone else spoke!

If you've met someone who's a "storyteller" who can talk like this, they are most likely a narcissist.  Now, a person with aspergers can talk without stopping, but the difference is those people will talk about stuff nobody understands but them.  You'll have to stop them and say "Hey, sorry, but I have no idea what you're talking about..." (we have to do this with my SIL regularly).  So there's a difference between a storytelling narcissist and an aspie.  The first will fill the air with stories about their own pain, or life experiences, or tales of woe, or anything else about themselves.  An aspie will talk incessantly about obscure things that they only care (or know) about.

Now, someone could be both a storytelling narcissist and an aspie...which I have found to happen quite regularly.  These types may tell incessant stories, but again, they only pertain to themselves, and sometimes they will talk as if you should know exactly what they're talking about (or who they're talking about), but mixed with tales of woe and how they have the hardest life ever or how they are the smartest people ever.  It gets quite exhausting.  I've known a few storytelling narcs who's stories are entertaining and fun to listen to.  But most I've known are the type to just complain or brag.

And they love to talk shit about other people.  Like, a LOT of shit.  Venting is one thing.  That's normal.  But always venting (and about many people) is a sign that you're dealing with a narc.  Just remember, someone who talks shit about others, is most likely talking shit about you to others.  Some narcs keep this very hidden and can be good at making you believe that it's you and them against the world.  But if their favorite pastime is talking shit about others?  Know that they are 100% talking about you.  I found this out too many times the hard way.

If you are dealing with a narc in your life that you need to keep in your life for whatever reason (or they are your coworker/boss/etc.), then just know, if you challenge them on these things or bring them up to them?  It will not be met with a nice response.  They can lash out with their words or actions (to punish you) or they may give you the silent treatment for a bit, only to come back and pretend like nothing happened.  So the trick here is not confront them at all, but to work them properly.

It may sound narcissistic to "work" a person, but that's only if you have malicious intent.  When you work a person in order to build boundaries or to keep their abuse at bay (yes, stealing your time and treating you like you don't matter is a form of abuse), is a completely understandable action and should be used to keep you and your family safe.

I once confronted a "time sucker" narcissist (the kind who have a crisis all the time and spend all their time sucking up your time to make you deal with their constant state of crisis) and she still hasn't spoken to me in 3 years (and she refused to let our kids hang out together, even though they were BFFs).  We've recently reconnected with her son, as he's over 18 and works at the grocery store we shop at, but she's still very angry with me LOL  All because I told her I wanted to be neighbors, not friends, as I don't have time to spend on her issues (I wasn't even mean about it).

So you can't confront these bastards, otherwise they will punish you AND your family (if they can) or they'll give you the silent treatment (which is still a form of punishment to them).  So no matter what, they will be punishing you.  Instead, you have to learn how to work them (only if needed, if you do not have to deal with them, then don't!).  Here's how I've learned to deal with those I've needed to keep in my life:

  1. Go Grey Rock:  This is perhaps the #1 thing that will help you deal with a narcissist.   Although some narcs (esp. the audience style narcs as we're talking about here) may not even want to know anything about you at all, so going "grey rock" may not even seem like a change, but there are still instances you will need to do this.  So, going "grey rock" means that you become a lump of boring old bullshit to a narc.  This means that you will not be offering them anything they can use against you later, nor will be you sharing anything with them.  Only the minimal amount is needed in conversations.  So if the narc asks you about your own life, you will offer them the minimal amount and then reroute the conversation back to them.  Like if they ask "How are your kids doing?" you say "Great!  How are yours?/How is your business venture going?/insert tidbit of data about their own life here/etc.".  You never give details more than you have to.  If they press for info, just keep it light and surface.  Never go deep and never give out pertinent info they don't need to know.  Even if they only ask you about your life in small amounts: do not engage.  Just keep it on surface.  A narcissist either doesn't really care about your life OR they are fishing for information to tell others.  That's it.  Remember that. 
  2. Clap and Cheer:  If they need an audience and you need to keep them at bay and keep them happy?  Then sometimes, you need to be their cheerleader.  Always ignoring them will just piss them off.  So while sometimes you have to keep your distance in order to keep your sanity, at other times you need to go all in and be the audience they need.  If they are your boss or are in charge of you (or your life) in any way whatsoever?  You need to remember this very important part.  They thrive on supply and you have to give it to them at times.  Otherwise you risk what we talked about in #1: they will punish you.  If they tire of you and move on, that could be either good or bad, depending on the situation.  While it's great for your mental health for them to move on, it may not be great for your job or life.  A narc that's moved on may treat you like shit when you're not on their supply list.  In business, there's a law of supply and demand, but in narcissism, there's a law of supply demand.  Narcissists demand narcissistic supply, and if you're not giving it to them, they will find someone who will.  And if your narc is the type to hurt you when you aren't supplying them, then you need to keep them interested, and sometimes that means seeking them out to give them a little cheer.  If you notice your narc's interest waning, then you interact with them by asking them about themselves or their life.  Get them talking about themselves, and that can revive their interest in you (just don't agree to do things you're not comfortable with).  Not that this is a healthy thing to do for you, quite the contrary.  But sometimes it's necessary in order to protect ourselves or our family.  
  3. Don't take their shit:  This seems counter-intuitive, but I assure you, you'll feel better about it if you stand up for yourself when you can.  You need to do this before you let it build up and then explode.  So confront them regularly if they saying rude or mean things to you.  But not so regularly it pisses them off.  Recently, I connected with a sister I didn't know I had (half sister) and she's just as much of a narc as our father is.  I confronted her regularly, which she didn't like and ended up ignoring me (after totally using me to find our father).  She wasn't someone I needed in my life, nor needed to take shit from.  So I was okay with that.  But other narcs (as in my mother), I had to put up with, so I had to learn to take her shit.  To a point.  Eventually I learned to stop taking her shit and rather than letting it build up until I punched her in the face (which was something I wanted to do daily LOL).  I had to let my anger out in bits, as though I was a bottle of boiling water ready to spill...so I had to let the steam seep out instead of pop!  So instead of letting her lie and say rude things, I'd quickly correct her and change the subject back to her again.  If she said something rude about the neighbor's lawn, I'd say "Well, it's a good thing you don't live there then, isn't it?" and then change the subject back to her.  Just because you have to deal with particular narcs doesn't mean you have to listen to their constant bullshit and ignore it.  That's a recipe for disaster!  
  4. Take Lots of Breaks:  Don't subject yourself to their constant attention.  Make sure you're getting in lots of time for yourself and your family away from them.  If they catch you and want to join, just make up a quick reason why they can't and quickly leave.  Or if they find out later you did something without them, deflect.  Deflecting is a wonderful way to stop a situation before it starts.  Be a mirror and let their words bounce off you onto them.  "I heard you went fishing last night.  I would have liked to come!"  Respond with "Yeah, but it was terrible! So many mosquitos and hardly any bites!  Do you like fishing?  What kind of lures do you use?  What kind of fish do you like to catch?" or whatever questions you can think of to deflect their accusations back onto them.  First you tell them how much it sucked, then you ask them about their own experiences or likes/dislikes.  Keep going until they are comfortable and excited talking about themselves again.  Taking breaks from the narcs in your life is one way to keep yourself sane.  Never give them details about your breaks, just keep it on surface.  Or, better yet, as much as you can, keep it secret 😉  And this brings us to: 
  5. Keep Your Life Separate:  Try to keep your personal life separate from them as much as you can, even if they are in your family.  Don't share your ideas with them, or what your plans are for your life.  Let them share their ideas and plans with you (and you be their cheerleader), but don't do the same back (because they will never be your cheerleader--or if they are, they are pretending).  Instead, create a life that's totally separate from them.  Use your breaks to work on your life, away from them.  When I used to do this with my mother (back in the day, my mother was my life), she didn't like it at all.  This led to a total breakdown temper tantrum of epic proportions that led to me going no contact with her (among other reasons).  BUT, that's because I wasn't venting as much to her as I wanted to be.  I was distancing myself instead.  If you aren't planning on going no contact anytime soon, make sure this separation is getting done in a way that doesn't peak their abandonment issues, which will anger them beyond belief.  If this person is your boss or coworker, this means not attending functions in which they will be at (or any functions at all, if you don't want them to think you're not going to something just because of them).  This means keeping work and life completely separate.  If they are family, this means attending less functions at holidays (if possible) with a great excuse as to why.  My mother was alone on all holidays, so we had to spend every single one with her.  This wasn't good.  But it was necessary to keep the peace.  Although we did get away with spending birthdays without her.  She was very controlling as to how we'd celebrate--so if I invited her to birthday celebration, she'd decline, because it had to be her in charge or nothing.  If you have a friend who wants to start a business with you (I had this happen to me) and they are being bossy and controlling, then feel free to work on your own stuff on the side (without their knowledge).  So many situations this applies to, but just to remember that keeping your life separate is key in these relationships, otherwise you'll get burnt out and may even fall into a depression (as I did with my mother). 
  6. Question the Relationship:  This is a biggie.  We sometimes feel trapped in relationships with people, thinking there is no way out.  We feel that this person holds something over us: money, a place to live, a job, information, etc., which causes us to stay in these abusive relationships (and yes, it's abusive).  We may have to make conscious choices to stay in order to keep the peace or keep our families safe.  I did this with my own mother.  I found out she was a narcissist and then went back to her after a short period of no contact because we were starving with no money for food.  So I went back...but unlike Corrine Dollanger from Flowers in the Attic, I did not feed my children to the wolves.  I stayed aware of her narcissism, and protected my children as much as possible (with a few failures).  I didn't get sucked back into her world, except for the times she was buying us groceries and did not permit me to speak to my own children (she required all attention to be put on her and her alone).  I would always bring both children so they could talk to each other and I would dote on her, begrudgingly, while my children were told exactly what was going on.  They always told me they understood, but I hated myself for having to do such a thing just so we could have groceries to put on our table each night.  It was sick.  And that lasted for four years.  So, if you find yourself doing sick things, as I did, in order to keep whatever hold they have on you, you have to ask yourself: would it bet better to starve (or whatever their hold is) or to create a horrible situation for your children (or whatever the consequences are)?  I eventually came to the conclusion, it was better to starve.  If the person will kick you out if you don't obey them, you have to ask yourself, would living in your car with your family for a short while be worth your sanity (or whatever you could find to live in) if you didn't have to sell your soul to that devil?  (I am not religious, so I don't mean this literally...just figuratively).  The devil in my life wasn't worth jack shit.  But some are.  So that's a personal choice you'll have to make for yourself.  So when I went NC with my mother, yes, we were fucked for a long period of time, and some would say we still are, almost a year and a half later.  BUT, it was soooooooooooooo fucking worth it.  




So if you've gone no contact (which is a deliberate choice to stay out of a narcissist's life) with your mother and your family members (because narcissism is a systemic issue, not just one person), you may feel like you're done with all of this narcissism stuff (like I did).  But the fact of the matter is, as long as you associate with anyone outside of your home, you will run into more narcissists.  There is no getting around that.  Or, maybe you're married to one (but if so, that's a whole other blog post!).  But these tactics with work with any narc in your life, as long as you fully realize some things: there is no cure for narcissism, every single word or action from them is a manipulation of some sort (no exceptions), and as long as you know how to "work" them, you may be able to tolerate them.  But you need to ask yourself, should you have to?  Weigh the pros and cons regularly.  And if you can find a way to make your life work without whatever they are giving you?  Do it.  Because nothing beats being able to be free of a narcissist and to have control of your own life.  Depending on someone who manipulates you is so very psychologically damaging.  So you better make sure it's worth it. 💗




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Welcome to Girl Lost.


I am a daughter of a narcissistic mother, one of way too many in this world. If you're here, then you have one too. I hope by reading my words someone out there will realize they aren't alone.

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